Infertility In A Blended Family

kh87 · December 2015

So I debated writing this for the simple fact that it may make me come off as heartless or unkind, but if there is anyone out there who can relate to me I am going to find them here.

Yesterday we got the call that our first IUI was not successful. Part of me knew it was coming because I feel so incredibly defeated that I don't anticipate ever hearing a positive at this point. I know that you all know the feeling too.

My biggest struggle at this point is how I feel DH reacts to these things. I know that we all feel at times that our husbands just don't understand how we feel, but I find that especially true. My DH already has an 8 year old from his first marriage. I feel like he genuinely will not ever know the hole that I have. He's already gotten his positive and been through it with someone else. He has told me that he would like another child but that if he didn't that he would be okay with that too. I wish he hadn't ever said it. Because the truth is I'm not EVER going to be happy if I don't have a child. My SD does not fill that role for me, never has and never will. I feel alone in my absolute despair over this. My DH may find it upsetting but he will not ever know the absolute despair. Because of this a part of me always gets angry at him every time I get a negative. I just can't help it.

I really hope that someone out there has been through this and can talk to me about it, because this situation takes feeling alone to a whole new level!

riveridgional · December 2015

I haven't been through this situation exactly. Of course, there are times I wished I could see a reaction from DH, but I don't having the SD component to add to the emotions like you do. I've seen a few ladies on here mention infertility counseling with their DHs and it really seems to have helped a few of them. There are counselors that specialize in infertility and many times your RE can give you a recommendation. Perhaps this is something you and DH would be willing to try.

mtpbadger · December 2015

I don't think this comes off as heartless or unkind. Men are wired differently than females and sometimes just don't get it. I don't have any stepchildren but I can imagine that even if you love them with all your heart, it isn't the same as being pregnant and having that instant bond with a child of your own. I agree with @riveridgional that maybe counseling would help, at least for both of you to really express your feelings and have a game plan as to how far each of you is willing to go. Looking at it from another side, as much as it hurts, your DH is being honest with you and hopefully the two of you can continue to communicate and he can see how important this is to you.

ColeM91 · December 2015

I can relate. My DH and I have been together for 7 years. He has 2 daughters from a previous relationship. They were 9 & 12,now 19 & 16. I love them dearly. We have a great relationship it took me a while to find my place and how to be a Mom to them. They now say I'm the Mom they never had. They still see the Bio mom but our relationship is very different. I do feel my DH will never know the empty hole I have at wanting my own child, one who calls me mom. We are in our first round of IUI. He gets lost on how to console me or what I need from him. He does give his best. I do belive that God gives us step children to help us. It has helped me know I am a good mom and can't wait to be a bio mother myself. I believe DH say it's OK if you both don't have another because they don't want us to feel like if we can't produce that it's a done deal. My DH said the same. I try looking at it in a positive. If we can't conceive I said we can adopt. That was hard as I want to have a child but I don't want to close off options. Sometimes being a mom doesn't mean you have to give birth. Believe me it kills me to say it, but we have so much love to give why throw it away if we can't produce? I hope we don't have to go down that route. Try to stay positive. Love that little girl like she is your own. Your relationship with her will flourish. She will love you more for it. Try not to get caught up in the words. I pray you will get a BFP and expand your blended family. FX for you.

thejessicanicol · December 2015

I have the opposite situation. I have a daughter and DH doesn't have kids. She was only a year and a half when we met so he kind of got to do the baby stages with me. He considers her "his" and she sees him as dad even though she occasionally sees her bio dad. I have told DH that if we can't have our own kids that I would be fine even though secretly it would hurt because I've always dreamed of a big family. I considered us lucky to have my daughter because before meeting him I didn't know what infertility issues were like. But it hurts DH. Not that he might not be able to have his own, he has known that since he was a child going through chemo. What hurts him is that I am capable of having kids without medical help but I'm choosing to go through IVF for him. I don't mind at all because I can't imagine not being by his side but he still thinks these things. The money we have both put into it and all of the medications. My body gets to deal with the hardships and he just has to give a few samples. In his mind it isn't fair and is something that should make me love him less. It's really tough for him.

I think, man or woman, we all go through hardships dealing with IF and sometimes don't think clearly.

Knottie43408147 · December 2015

I can relate. We each have 1 child from our first marriages. My husband is very much in the "I'd like to try and maybe we'd have a girl, but I'm ok if we don't have one too" camp. So I get mad sometimes and accuse him of not caring that I can't get pregnant without dropping 25k plus. When I say "I always wanted 2 kids" he says "we have 2 kids". No. No I do not. I have a son and a step son who is a very difficult child. We have him 50% of the time. He has his mom in his life, I will never fill that role for him. I haven't been able to find a way to explain it; that yes his son is part of my family but I don't consider him my 2nd child and likely never will. Will I care for and about him and help raise him and celebrate him and teach him things and hold him to things? Absolutely. But he will never fill the hole of my missing 2nd pregnancy, birth, baby, toddler and so on.

My son's father isn't involved at all, so my son DOES see and NEED my husband to be more of a father figure. It's strange because it's 2 totally different dynamics and situations within the same family. I don't have any strong advice as I just found out 3 weeks ago that we are unlikely to get pregnant. But I want to tell you that I get what you're struggling with and I'm so sorry As if blended families didn't have enough challenges!!

ecb3588 · December 2015

I can relate. DH has 2 sons (21yo and 12 yo) and I have no children. I know he feels pain with this, too, but not in the same way I do. He has a child he will be with on Christmas. That is a void that is not filled for me by his children. They have their mom and I'm not her and never will be. One time he got upset when I told him he doesn't understand because he has a child. He said that wasn't fair, and it probably wasn't, but I do feel like that makes a difference. I am in the same boat as you, DH has admitted if he hadn't remarried someone 10 years his junior who didn't have kids, he would never have tried fr more. But the fact that he is willing to do this all again is very special to me. I know words can be hurtful, boy do I know this, but just remember that your DH is willing to go through this for you. And although you feel like you're upset with him when you get a BFN, it's probably not really him. You have a right to be angry and it's just easier to direct anger at someone! So just hang in there and know you are not alone in these feelings!

junicek · December 2015

I also completely agree. My DH has a 13 and 11year old and I know he does not understand the burning pain in my heart that I feel. It is a little easier when they aren't around, we can pretend we are just a childless couple but they came back last night. My SD was talking lots about her mom and I just know it's normal but it's painful to think ill never be that number one figure to anyone. I sometimes think it's more painful to be involved in their lives, that infertility hurts more when you are parenting somebody else's kids but have none of your own.

kh87 · December 2015

I'm so glad to read some of these responses. Someone understands me!! DH and I had a long talk about this and here is basically the run down.

My perspective: DH isn't sad when I get a BFN bc he already has done this with someone else and already has a kid. He has told me he's fine with either having a kid or not having one. So I feel like he's only doing it to please me. Therefore I feel unsupported and am developing resentful feelings toward my SD8 bc I feel like it's her fault that he doesn't have the same burning hole that I do. I try to combat these feelings however that's the honest truth. I feel like when she is with her BM that it's nice to just have that alone time with my DH and I feel more relaxed and optimistic about having a baby. Then she comes back and so do all the feelings.

His perspective: he isn't sad when I get a BFN bc he is so sure that it's going to happen. He agrees he doesn't have the empty hole that I have bc of SD (which I have a huge issue with). He also claims that he won't worry or get upset until RE tells us that we need to do IVF and we can't afford it. He claims that even if he were to be sad that he wouldn't let me know bc he wouldn't want to make me feel worse than I already do.

We have drastically different perspectives. I'm glad we talked about it but I do still feel resentful towards SD right now and def enjoy when she's at her moms. Infertility adds so many layers of baggage and feelings to an already complex family dynamic. I'm trying not to take it out on DH or SD but it's VERY hard bc I feel like I'm the only person in this house who cares about having a baby.

I always wanted to have two kids and DH doesn't want more than two. He won't have more than one baby if we ever do get pregnant bc he will have two. He doesn't understand that I won't. I will only have one. My SD has never and will never fill that role for me. I bend over backwards to care and provide for her but she is NOT my kid and I don't want her to be. She's got her own mother.

ecb3588 · December 2015

@kh87 I'm glad you were able to discuss it with DH. Blended families can definitely complicate things. I don't think the spouse with a child can really understand the spouse without a child's view, and vice versa. The spouse with a child loves their child so much and they don't understand how everyone can't love their child as much as they do. The spouse without a child may feel a bit left out and even jealous of the parent child relationship and they crave that for themself. It is definitely tough. I know I really don't feel I can be that open about some of my feelings with DH because it's his child and he will get defensive. But try to keep communication open as much as possible and hopefully you will get your own bfp very soon!

kh87 · December 2015

@erinscaren fortunately I don't have any hesitations about telling DH exactly how I'm feeling at the time. He may not like it, but I don't like everything that he does/says all the time either. These are my honest feelings so he has to know I feel. He can get defensive at times also but I'm always sure to point out to him when he is and he tries to stop and be open minded.

ChrisH22 · December 2015

Hi ladies, newbie here. I definitely know how you feel. My DH, has 2 sons from a previous relationship. I cant help but think he's already been through all the milestones I'm struggling for. Sometimes when he tries to comfort me by saying how it'll be okay if we're not able to have kids, I'm just livid, because it's not HIS reality. I try to remember when in this struggle together but I think we're allowed our selfish moments.

kh87 · December 2015

@ChrisH22 the "I would be fine if we didn't have kids" makes me livid too. I know that all too well! Welcome to the group!

ecb3588 · January 2016

I need this thread back. I don't know there is any advice to be given, but need to vent. DH has 3 sons, but he very clearly favors his youngest. Before we had our ER in November he told me he basically told me he wasn't worried about our cycle being successful, he was sure it would work. He was just worried how our baby would affect his (coddled) 12 year olds world and was afraid it would make him be "forgotten." Well low and behold, our cycle was not successful. So now I can't help but think, are you relieved your son hasn't been impacted yet? To make matters worse, last week he sat down and was telling me how much he just loves his son and what a connection he has with him. It's like hello, remember me? Your wife with no child? DH is so great most of the time and would never do anything to intentionally hurt my feelings, but he cannot understand that I just do not and will never have that kind of connection with his son, I want and need my own baby to love and connect with. Ahhhh *rant concluded.*

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