Bi-racial issues?

JonesBaby0624 · January 2016

Is anyone else dealing with bi-racial issues? I am SO tired of people! When we were dating it was fine but now we are having a baby and it's like people have word vomit. People think it is ok to make comments now, since I'm pregnant. Seriously?!?

Yes, I know he is black! Yes, I know I am white! Yes, I know my baby will be "swirlie", "mulatto", "caramellato" or whatever other funny or cutesy names you think you have the right to use. Actual HE is biracial so He is all those names you said, so she is going to be...???? Cue the even "cuter" racially offensive terms. I don't need you to back track with how beautiful she is going to be once you see you have offended me. I know she is going to be beautiful, she's going to be f*#!ing GORGEOUS! Come on people its 2016...seriously?!?

Drops mic... exits stage right!

Whew...I feel better!!

ahernandez16 · January 2016

Not necessarily the same thing but my husband and I are both half 'white' and half Hispanic but we both have very light complexions. Everyone keeps telling us we better pray we're lucky and our kid doesn't come out "dark as hell like your (cue weird random Hispanic relative)." So what if he does!?

I'm sorry you have to deal with ignorant comments from people you probably care a good deal about. People need to learn to just zip it. I don't know what it is about a woman being pregnant that makes them think they have the right to say whatever they're thinking!

Edited because it's too early to spell apparently.

NicknShan · January 2016

Glad you have a place to vent!! We are here for you!! I am so sorry that people are being so rude to you. I swear, there is something about pregnant women that screams out, "You can say anything you want to me and I can't be offended!" because people have no filter, and just don't seem to think straight when talking to pregnant women.

I sure hope as our generation continues to raise kids, and our kids kids, that these "ideas" come to an end. Some people say they are afraid for the future for our kids, but hopefully all the stereotyping (racial/religious/sexist, etc) starts to fade with every generation as well.

Hugs to you.

PressLove · January 2016

Ditto to the PPs. People are crazy! Please take this insanity and use it to prepare the three of you will face after he is born. I'm sorry you're going through this.

mkemommy · January 2016

Oh yeah, I hear you. I'm very Danish (blondish hair, blue eyes and really fair skinned) and H is very Indian (he is North Indian so not dark, dark but still very clearly Indian). We get the cute comments more than we get the negative comments... at least to our face. Honestly, the worst of it we get is from Indians we know...they keep saying they hope the baby takes after me complexion-wise. It makes me sad.

We also get the stereotypical comments about height from people who know me but not my H. I'm shorter (5'4"-5'5") but H is 6'3"....people who don't know that are always commenting how cute and short our kid will be...I'm always like "Short??! Our kid will be way taller than me more than likely." Cue the shock...Indians can be tall too.

alysemci · January 2016

People say things like that?! Wtf. Also, one of the most beautiful little girls I have ever seen in my life has a white mom and black dad. Like this child is a show stopper, I can't even explain how gorgeous she is. She has medium skin tone, beautiful wavy hair with brown and caramel streaks and the brightest blue eyes I've ever seen. I wish she was my daughter haha

candicek15 · January 2016

It's nuts that this stuff still goes on these days. I have a friend who is biracial (black/white) and someone we worked with actually told her she needed to "choose because you can't be both." And we were like WTF?! She also told her that the reason why her mother had trouble finding a job is because she is black, and my friend was like, "Um, my mom is white..." Racism works in mysterious ways, I suppose!

PressLove · January 2016

candicek15 said:

It's nuts that this stuff still goes on these days. I have a friend who is biracial (black/white) and someone we worked with actually told her she needed to "choose because you can't be both." And we were like WTF?! She also told her that the reason why her mother had trouble finding a job is because she is black, and my friend was like, "Um, my mom is white..." Racism works in mysterious ways, I suppose!

Unbelievable. Ignorance never ceases to amaze me.

kaitielynnrichardson · January 2016

I am not in your exact situation, however I am 1/2 black and 1/2 white.. I was adopted into an all white family, so I certainly can understand the concerns and harsh comments that come along with being bi-racial. what I do want to say, is that because I am 1/2 white and my husband is black, clearly, the baby may come out light skinned with light eyes.. the comment I love most is "well you may need a paternity test if the baby comes out light". SMH people are just mean!!!

JonesBaby0624 · January 2016

@mkemommy we get the height thing as well. I am 5'5" and he is 6'5". Incidentally, my niece is married to an Indian who is 6'5" as well.

Thanks for the support ladies. It really is just very confusing. My SO is bi-racial so he is used to to dealing with it, as used to it as you can get I guess, and he tells me I need to get a thicker skin. Oddly it is mostly strangers that feel they the right to talk to us like that. Which is odd to me given SO's size he is 6'5" and fairly muscular. He is a football coach and stays very active and fit. I wouldn't approach someone who could squash you and say something ugly.

mrsb8244 · January 2016

People are very disrespectful and quite frankly can be extremely ignorant. I'm biracial and actually just like your daughter will be: my dad is white and my mom is biracial (she was adopted but heard her mom was Italian and dad was black). It amazes me how people can be so rude. I'm sorry you're going through this!!

sb588 · January 2016

Wow! I am white and my hubby is half black and the most I've gotten is good luck with her hair! Lol its true my hubs has very difficult hair to deal with he usually cuts it completely off but I'm excited to see her hair seeing as I have dark hair anyways. I still can't believe people have the audacity to say things like that. I mean I have a daughter from a previous relationship and my hubby treats and raises her like his own. What more could you ask for? People just have nothing better to do!! Haha
#venting

JonesBaby0624 · January 2016

@sb588 what area are you from? That may have a impact on it?

eta: I have gotten the hair comment as well. SO's hair is difficult but my hair is fine and super soft like baby hair. We have heard a lot of "her hair is going to be amazing" mostly from his family.

meggyme · January 2016

I would suggest you call people on their racist bull shit! People will never learn that casual racism like this is not ok if in the moment you never say "that's really offensive." I understand it can be difficult and awkward, but these people have no right to make you and your daughter feel this way and pointing out the inappropriateness of such comments will only make the world a better place for her.

Just my thoughts... I feel the same about sexist comments.

crdo · January 2016

I'm sorry you, your family, and so many PPs are dealing with this. Simply put, people can be remarkably stupid. I'd say call those fools on their racist idiocy, vent here anytime you need to, and keep on keepin' on.

TheFlannagans92014 · January 2016

It kills me how much random strangers think it's okay to say things like that. My husband and I are both white but we are foster parents in our city and the 2 children we have had for short periods have both been from different races. We have actually had people ask us in the grocery store/mall which one of us the child belonged to and imply that I cheated on my husband to create this child! You should have seen the looks on their faces when I told them that the kids belonged to both of us!

fishwife799 · January 2016

It blows my mind that people actually say stuff to you about it! I can't even imagine. Why people feel the need to make comments like that I will never understand. And FWIW one of my best friends is black and her husband is white. Her kids are some of the most becutiful children I have even seen.

little_bren · January 2016

I'm white and DH is Polynesian and we've gotten comments. When I was pregnant with DD, I would get comments that "mixed babies are the cutest" and they couldn't wait to see how she "turned out". A lady at the pool called DD a half breed like she's a dog and when DD was at the park with my husband, a lady said my DD who was about 1.5 at that time was "bad" because her skin was too light and told her kids not to play with her. Those things make me feel like crying. DD couldn't go a full year before she got a nasty comments (avout 8 mos when called half breed). I never get any weird looks or comments but DH has been stopped 3-4 times BY COPS accusing him of kidnapping her!!! Wtf? Concerned citizens calling in. The cops ask him for proof. Hmmm like what? People totes kidnap children and stroll at a leisurely pace with a stroller around the neighborhood. At work my (black) boss found out I had a biracial child and she exclaimed LOUDLY "YOU HAVE JUNGLE FEVER?!?!?" Ummmm sure... Or I happen to love a man who is not my race.
Someone asked about region. We live in a city (suburbs) in the Midwest.

JonesBaby0624 · January 2016

@little-bren I'm the op and I was the one who mentioned region. We are South Central in the suburbs. People are absurd...they actually called the police on you husband? Jungle fever?!? I would have lost it! Crazy people!!!!!! When I told my son I was dating a black man he said "oh" and then stared at me like I was going to say something else. I told him that was all and he said "is that not ok?" I told him it was perfectly fine but his grandparents were going to have an issue with it he told me "you can love who you love it doesn't matter what color they are". He was 8 at the time. I thought an 8 year old can get it but adults cannot. I have to agree with @NicknShan hopefully all the stereotyping with end with each generation.

UseTheTriforce94 · January 2016

Being biracial, I grew up hearing it all lol

"Why do you like rock music if you're black?"

"You know you're not REALLY black right?"

"Your dad's a sell-out."

I'm absolutely terrified to have my child grow up with that because I don't really look black (more Asian-Indian/Latina/Persian) and my BF is whiter than white but I don't want them to feel they have to deny their heritage based on the ignorance of those around them. And I'm still going to teach them about all different sides of their culture and if anyone has anything to say, they can suck ass.

goldie987 · January 2016

It's crazy the things that are still embedded in our culture. Supposedly in the movie Hitch (w/Will Smith) they initially wanted to cast Cameron Diaz as his female counterpart. They ended up going with someone else (who was hispanic) because they didn't know how audiences would respond to a white female/black male romantic combo.

In the end people are dumb. Loss of filter surrounding pregnancy combined with weird societal issues that people may or may not even be aware of is a recipe for disaster.

little_bren · January 2016

We have a couple books that address this in a way appropriate for children that I happen to find at a used book sale if you mamas are interested. I hope that DD doesn't face more mean comments. Sometimes kids are more accepting than adults. We mostly get comments on her being cute. Seems like people are super nasty or super fascinated with biracial kiddos.

MynaBird · January 2016

People are the worst.

Image: https://www.awesomelyluvvie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Worst.gif

hellomommas · January 2016

That is so shocking! Who are these people? How old are they? Are they aware of the times in which we live? I am so glad to have been raised in a family that loved people-no matter the color. We had all kinds of friends from all different backgrounds and it should be obvious---at least to ME---that people are PEOPLE! What's with the categories and the name-calling and weirdness of "mixing" "types"??? I could use a little color to my SUPER white skin or some curl to my SUPER straight hair---but hey, I didn't get it. I LOVE seeing those characteristics in other people---it's just gorgeous to see variety, is it not!?

I used to have a huge crush on Usher...I really thought we could have cute babies... too bad it didn't work out for us. My husband 1/4 Armenian so at least we have that.

hellomommas · January 2016

@little_bren ---a "half-breed"!!???? that is AWFUL! How shameful of them!

little_bren · January 2016

Here are the books I was referring to:

little_bren · January 2016

babyweber3 said:
@little_bren ---a "half-breed"!!???? that is AWFUL! How shameful of them!

Agreed. But I would be racist if I didn't marry someone I loved because of his color but people aren't racist because a brown man with a fair skinned child (she has dark hair and brown eyes, not that it matters...) is CLEARLY a case of kidnapping. I know a pasty white blonde couple who adopted a baby who happens to be black. Why wouldn't someone at least assume that my husband adopted a child if nothing else?! I mean, she looks just like him but regardless. Sheesh.

ETA for a typo

june2016baby · January 2016

I am white and my husband is Asian (but adopted by a white family.) We have gotten a few comments, but only when we lived in the south. My kids haven't gotten many comments that I've actually heard, besides people saying that they must be smart because they're Asian.

Do you by chance live in the south? I swear, every crime that was featured on the news was suspected to be a result of race-related motivations. Where we live now, (the north,) I never hear that... ever.

mkemommy · January 2016

@little_bren - I wonder about this sometime too....if people will think my son/daughter is not mine if he/she is darker than me (which isn't hard to accomplish given how pasty I am) or if they will think he/she is not my husband's because of any fair skin. I would be so completely offended if this happened to my husband.

JonesBaby0624 · January 2016

@little_bren Thanks for the book ideas. I am sorry your daughter has had to face such horrible comments and attitudes. I know this LO is going to face similar attitudes. I hope I will have the strength and wisdom to handle it properly.

ahernandez16 · January 2016

@little_bren when my brother (blonde hair, blue eyes) was little my parents had him in Walmart and separated to shop and my dad (fairly dark Hispanic) kept my brother. Someone called security on him and my mom had to meet them and tell them that they both belonged to her. My dad was in law enforcement and showing his badge didn't even deter them. That was probably in like '96. Crazy to think that crap still happens!

little_bren · January 2016

mkemommy said:
@little_bren - I wonder about this sometime too....if people will think my son/daughter is not mine if he/she is darker than me (which isn't hard to accomplish given how pasty I am) or if they will think he/she is not my husband's because of any fair skin. I would be so completely offended if this happened to my husband.

Here is an article I thought was interesting especially because it was written by a non-white person and by a dad.

https://www.scarymommy.com/biracial-children-self-identify/?utm_source=FB

I have been sad in the past like his wife: "What if my child doesn't look like me?" She looks like a blend of us both now as a 2 y/o but for a long time, everyone said she looked just like dad which made me sad. And made me think that that was a lot of work for her to not even look like me (kidding). We have chosen to give our children "American" for lack of a better word FN and MN (DH is American) because our LN is very... culture rich. Ha. (Long, exotic and hard to say) so that he and I are both represented because each of our children is both of us. Every family is different though.

little_bren · January 2016

I know I'm inputting a lot but clearly it bothers me. My FIL (who admittedly is a terrible person) actually said before DD was born that she'd be his most beautiful grandchild bc she'd be the most white (his others are 1/4). That's incredibly insulting to his own race. Sigh...

mkemommy · January 2016

little_bren said:

@little_bren - I wonder about this sometime too....if people will think my son/daughter is not mine if he/she is darker than me (which isn't hard to accomplish given how pasty I am) or if they will think he/she is not my husband's because of any fair skin. I would be so completely offended if this happened to my husband.
Here is an article I thought was interesting especially because it was written by a non-white person and by a dad. https://www.scarymommy.com/biracial-children-self-identify/?utm_source=FB I have been sad in the past like his wife: "What if my child doesn't look like me?" She looks like a blend of us both now as a 2 y/o but for a long time, everyone said she looked just like dad which made me sad. And made me think that that was a lot of work for her to not even look like me (kidding). We have chosen to give our children "American" for lack of a better word FN and MN (DH is American) because our LN is very... culture rich. Ha. (Long, exotic and hard to say) so that he and I are both represented because each of our children is both of us. Every family is different though.

Thank you for sharing the article as well as your experience. I have wondered, like the mother in the article, if anyone would think I was my kid's babysitter or that our child was adopted. This is our first child and honestly this is all new to us.

The shortlist H and I have for first name options mostly contain Indian names (other than 1 or 2 Danish girl names I love) or at the very least very international names. My Danish heritage is very important to me but I often wonder if our child will end up associating himself or herself more with his/her Indian culture than my Danish-American culture....especially considering the fact that H was not raised here in the U.S., we will make trips often to India to visit my MIL and BIL and we plan on teaching our little one Hindi in addition to English.

Like the father in that article, however, I just hope that our kid has a chance to self-define himself/herself.

little_bren · January 2016

mkemommy said:

little_bren said:

@little_bren - I wonder about this sometime too....if people will think my son/daughter is not mine if he/she is darker than me (which isn't hard to accomplish given how pasty I am) or if they will think he/she is not my husband's because of any fair skin. I would be so completely offended if this happened to my husband.
Here is an article I thought was interesting especially because it was written by a non-white person and by a dad.

https://www.scarymommy.com/biracial-children-self-identify/?utm_source=FB

I have been sad in the past like his wife: "What if my child doesn't look like me?" She looks like a blend of us both now as a 2 y/o but for a long time, everyone said she looked just like dad which made me sad. And made me think that that was a lot of work for her to not even look like me (kidding). We have chosen to give our children "American" for lack of a better word FN and MN (DH is American) because our LN is very... culture rich. Ha. (Long, exotic and hard to say) so that he and I are both represented because each of our children is both of us. Every family is different though.

Thank you for sharing the article as well as your experience. I have wondered, like the mother in the article, if anyone would think I was my kid's babysitter or that our child was adopted. This is our first child and honestly this is all new to us.

The shortlist H and I have for first name options mostly contain Indian names (other than 1 or 2 Danish girl names I love) or at the very least very international names. My Danish heritage is very important to me but I often wonder if our child will end up associating himself or herself more with his/her Indian culture than my Danish-American culture....especially considering the fact that H was not raised here in the U.S., we will make trips often to India to visit my MIL and BIL and we plan on teaching our little one Hindi in addition to English.

Like the father in that article, however, I just hope that our kid has a chance to self-define himself/herself.
----------------------QUOTE FAIL--------------
Sometimes, I feel like being Caucasian is just the lack of being something else. I hope my children consider themselves biracial because they are. I know some multiracial children feel that they don't fit in with any of their races and I hope that's not the case for my kiddos. I had friends of multiple races in school but I never really thought about it much. Then again, I'm white and easily classified. So many people are multiracial that maybe there won't be so much focus on pigeonholing and more focus on insides.

Cdub686 · January 2016

I come from a family where my lil brother is biracial so the father that raised me (since I was 1) is very dark skin. I've dealt with ignorance my whole life but have luckily grown to surround myself with only open minded ppl. My child will also be biracial and while nobody in my family has ever made a comment or any of my friends for that matter, there have been comments on the daddy's side. Comments have not been made in front of me yet but I'm fully prepared for it. He happens to be the lightest complected in his family so when he told his sister her immediate response was "your kid will be a ghost." Ummmmm excuse me? Of course DH defended her which blew my mind. I don't understand why racial comments r acceptable to some ppl. It is never ok. Skin tone should never be something that is noticed as it doesn't define a person. I prefer to be the change. End rant.

sb588 · January 2016

JonesBaby0624 said:
@sb588 what area are you from? That may have a impact on it?

eta: I have gotten the hair comment as well. SO's hair is difficult but my hair is fine and super soft like baby hair. We have heard a lot of "her hair is going to be amazing" mostly from his family.

@JonesBaby0624 im from north western Indiana from a very small conservative white town. My hubby was raised here after being adopted out of Oklahoma. I wish his real parents would have sent more family line with him I'd like to see what characteristics the baby will have but either way I'm sure their hair will be different but adorable none the less!

lm45678 · January 2016

I'm not creative so I have the same response as I did about people who feel bad for moms with all boys.

People are assholes. Ignore them.

Congrats on what I'm sure will be a gorgeous baby girl!

june2016baby · January 2016

I forgot to add that I have been asked at least a half a dozen times if my kids are adopted. They don't look anything like me at all. But they do all look like each other.