When I was a FTM, I said I would just have the bassinet and not co sleep. And only for a couple months.
Never say what you are going to do before he baby arrives. :-)
We co slept a bit. He stayed in our room for almost 9 months. We had a crappy sleeper. And this is what worked for us. We co slept some. We didn't use any special co sleeper when he was in bed with us. But the way you begin to "become one" with your child is something that is indescribable until it happens. I was never worried.
My husband did like night caps. I would not allow my DS to sleep in our bed if any alcohol was involved.
Edit to add: if you bed share, do your research. There are ways to reduce ther risks associated with beds sharing (mainly suffocation). No pillows. I didn't pull a blanket up past my waist. We were in a king size bed. No loose clothing. Etc. and like I mentioned above, no drinking.
We used a co-sleeper mini with DS next to our bed for about 6 months and it worked out perfectly. We will do the same with this baby. All of the other bedrooms are on the second floor so that not fun during MOTN nursing sessions I liked not having to get out of bed.
I am a first time mother. I work as a social worker and we preach to parents not to cosleep. Based on what people have said, bedsharing is my major concern. I attended a funeral for a 6 month old this week who passed prior to christmas due to co-sleeping. I cant see myself co-sleeping, it makes me too nervous.
This. I am a volunteer photographer for Now I lay me down to Sleep and have done sessions for infants who died while bed sharing. Not from SIDS...from being suffocated, tangled in blankets, or literally crushed by a sleeping parent. Sorry to be the voice of doom and gloom. I have done enough work with grieving families from these tragedies, that my heart practically slams into my chest when I see discussions about co sleeping.
We room shared for the first seven months after my son was born because of the reduced risk of SIDS and for ease of breastfeeding. My husband and I both are heavy sleepers, so I did not feel comfortable bed sharing. Even in my most sleep deprived state when I would nurse while side laying, I never felt comfortable enough and tired enough to fall asleep until after he was back in his pack n play. Once he was sleeping through the night at seven months, we transitioned him into his crib in his room with a video monitor. It went very smoothly.
However, I have many mommy friends that safely bed share with their children for as long as works for their family, and I think that's fine because it's what works for them.
Bedsharing saved my sleep and sanity. We are a safely (following all guidelines) bedsharing family. It's what works for us, and it's absolutely safe when no risk factors are involved. Families have to decide what works for them of course, but it shouldn't be based on fear and inaccurate assertions.
Were getting a co-sleeper/bassinet that sort of attaches to the side of the bed. But im not against possibly leading that into co-sleeping if we need it to. I have a chronic illness and we will ultimately just need to do whatever works for us because getting up and walking into another room multiple times a night is not going to be an option for me unless my illness is seriously in check. Were also moving a mini fridge into the bedroom and setting it up so i dont need to leave the bed/room unless absolutely necessary.
Bedsharing saved my sleep and sanity. We are a safely (following all guidelines) bedsharing family. It's what works for us, and it's absolutely safe when no risk factors are involved. Families have to decide what works for them of course, but it shouldn't be based on fear and inaccurate assertions.
Choosing not to bed share with your child because you are afraid of killing them seems like a pretty solid reason, even if it is based in fear. For that matter, we do a lot of things based on fears (ie. I will hold my child's hand while walking down the street because I fear them running and being hit by a car).
There is no inaccuracy in the fact that babies do die from suffocation when bedsharing, there's studies to show it, and pretending that if you do everything right, you eliminate all risks isnt a reasonable decision (to me).
You're more than within your right to bedshare, it isn't illegal and you have to do what's right for your family, but pushing it as a safe alternative to a co-sleeper or a crib in the same room isn't a responsible thing to be doing.
Before DD1 was born, I SWORE that I would never bedshare. Room-sharing, I was okay with, but I was never going to have the baby in bed with us. I have since learned to never say never about anything involving parenting.
DD1 would not sleep anywhere else. We tried the crib, a cradle, a PnP, a swing, you name it. She literally would not sleep more than 15-20 minutes in any of those, and after a couple of weeks of not getting any sleep, I was dangerously exhausted and she cried all.the.time because she was extremely overtired as well. I did a lot of research on safe ways to bedshare, spoke with our pediatrician, and followed all of the rules. She bedshared with me until she turned 6 months old, and transitioned easily to the crib after that. I followed the same rules with DD2, although she slept with me a little longer, around 9 months old. They both slept great in their crib post-transition. Neither DH or I smoke or drink alcohol, we remove all pillows and bedding, use a firm mattress, etc. Bedsharing can actually reduce the risk of SIDS, as well, when done properly, as the baby will unconsciously match their breathing to their mother when sleeping next to them, according to our pediatrician.
I plan on splurging on the $200 Halo bassinest so the baby is right there but not in the bed. Unfortunately with the layout of our room, there's not enough space on my side of the bed for a PnP, and there's really not another way to arrange the room to get more space. My concern is... I would like to have some sexytime with DH at SOME point after the baby is here. I would feel weird about it with the baby in the room
Thank you ladies for your input. I do plan on bf which is part of the reason I wanted to co-sleep. I have done research on the pros and cons of co-sleeping/bedsharing. I am aware of the risks involved with bedsharing which is why I wanted a co-sleeper you put in your bed. We upgraded from a queen to a king 6 months ago. My husband's reasons why he doesn't want to co-sleep are that he needs his sleep for work, doesn't want to give up space in the bed (the dog currently takes half and he's being kicked out of the bed), and he doesn't want the baby to be "coddled". I offered to go sleep in the guest bed with the baby and he wasn't happy with that response.
37 y/o Married 9/1/13 Off OCP 3/1/14 TTC 6/1/14 DX Endometriosis in 2002 Laparoscopy 2002 and 2007 HSG 8/2014, right tube partially blocked 1st BFP 1/5/15 EDD 9/12/15- miscarried 1/8/15
Every human needs sleep for life/sanity, work not withstanding. That logic always makes me smile. Newborns are exhausting for all parents whether they work or not. Your spouse may have an adjustment period if his expectations are to maintain sleep and space regardless of where the LO sleeps. GL!
I fell asleep with DS on my chest a few times during his first week when I was so exhausted, but after that I actually couldn't sleep unless I knew he was safe in his bassinet. That's what we plan to do with this one, and eventually a crib in our room until he's 6-9 months.
@cmac827 please tell your H that it's not possible to "coddle" or spoil newborn babies. I can understand not wanting a toddler to get in the habit of sleeping with you, but the infancy stage is completely different. It sounds like he might need some info about babies and newborn care, maybe a prenatal class offered through the hospital?
Like I stated earlier, I didn't bed share and don't plan to but have friends that do. Their response to the claim that bed sharing may ruin their marital intimacy is that their sex lives get creative. Your bed isn't the only place you can get intimate, and having children, in general, forces you to get creative with your choice of time and/or place.
DS was in his crib from night one home from the hospital. Doing a 6 hour stretch every night by 5 weeks and 10 hours by 12 weeks. I'm hoping this LO loves to sleep just as much! But, if that doesn't work out and I want LO closer I'll have them in a pack and play in our room. I breastfed until he was 14 months. It just really wasn't a big deal (for me) going across the hall and placing him in his crib after any MOTN feedings.
Before I had kids I said mine would never sleep in my bed. The first night I had DD home I laid her in the pack and play and instantly started crying. I'm still not sure why but I did. I pulled her in bed with us and she slept there for about 6 months. I am an incredibly light sleeper and would wake of she even made a sound. It really did affect our sleeping habits though and DH began sleeping on the couch which was no fun. I had no intentions of co sleeping but that is how things worked out for us. With DS I had a rock n play next to the bed. He was a good sleeper form the get go though and only woke 1-2 times a night. So I would pull him into bed, nurse him and put him back in. Then at 6 months he went to his crib. I plan to do the same with this one too.
I would just say "never say never". I was dead against bed sharing before becoming a mom? but my son had severe reflux and would gag and choke when lying flat on his back. We used rock 'n play a bit but I also was hesitant to leave him there overnight. I was scared to let him sleep on his stomach. Incline in his crib made him roll off to the bottom. Our choices were to literally have someone hold him in an incline for 30 minutes after each time he fed (so the milk would be digested enough and not come back up), have a night nurse so we could get some sleep and not endlessly worry he would gag, or have a in-bed co-sleeper with a closer bottom, incline it a bit, and let him back sleep while I kind of rested in between feeding him. Again we had to duvet, nothing that can smother him, and honestly the in-bed co-sleeper had hard enough edges (walls around) that I don't see how one can roll over it and not feel it underneath them. It would be like rolling over a brick.
Bedsharing saved my sleep and sanity. We are a safely (following all guidelines) bedsharing family. It's what works for us, and it's absolutely safe when no risk factors are involved. Families have to decide what works for them of course, but it shouldn't be based on fear and inaccurate assertions.
Choosing not to bed share with your child because you are afraid of killing them seems like a pretty solid reason, even if it is based in fear. For that matter, we do a lot of things based on fears (ie. I will hold my child's hand while walking down the street because I fear them running and being hit by a car).
There is no inaccuracy in the fact that babies do die from suffocation when bedsharing, there's studies to show it, and pretending that if you do everything right, you eliminate all risks isnt a reasonable decision (to me).
You're more than within your right to bedshare, it isn't illegal and you have to do what's right for your family, but pushing it as a safe alternative to a co-sleeper or a crib in the same room isn't a responsible thing to be doing.
My point is not to dismiss fear as a reality, fear is a normal part of parenting. It's inescapable of course. But making decisions based on fear and not fact is not wise. Of course if something truly makes you uncomfortable don't do it! But taking time to examine why, and whether you are right or wrong in that fear is never a bad thing.
I would encourage new parents to really look at the evidence on bedsharing. Some reports make it seems very terrifying, however they almost all fail to account for unsafe practices and the true rates of death in infants when SAFELY bedsharing are not statistically significant (meaning the difference in crib/bedsharing is not significant).
Personally, I get nervous in months 0-3 as well. They are tiny and it's a bit scary...I am side carring the crib and hope to have baby mostly in there at that time. After 3/4 months there is NO evidence of increased risk whatsoever in any credible study.
The thing that upsets me with this discussion is that the MOST dangerous situation for an infant is accidental bedsharing or couch sleeping. When a parent has not researched safe practices and falls asleep with an infant out of exhaustion and desperation. This happens so often. I can't tell you how many mom's I have heard say "i don't want to bedshare so I'm sleeping with the baby on the couch"!!!! This is so much more dangerous.
It's like abstinence education to me. Telling people it's always dangerous, never do it, prevents them from being informed and knowing how it is possible to safely sleep with their babies. It leads to much more dangerous situations.
Sorry for the rant, I feel strongly about this clearly
Bedsharing saved my sleep and sanity. We are a safely (following all guidelines) bedsharing family. It's what works for us, and it's absolutely safe when no risk factors are involved. Families have to decide what works for them of course, but it shouldn't be based on fear and inaccurate assertions.
Choosing not to bed share with your child because you are afraid of killing them seems like a pretty solid reason, even if it is based in fear. For that matter, we do a lot of things based on fears (ie. I will hold my child's hand while walking down the street because I fear them running and being hit by a car).
There is no inaccuracy in the fact that babies do die from suffocation when bedsharing, there's studies to show it, and pretending that if you do everything right, you eliminate all risks isnt a reasonable decision (to me).
You're more than within your right to bedshare, it isn't illegal and you have to do what's right for your family, but pushing it as a safe alternative to a co-sleeper or a crib in the same room isn't a responsible thing to be doing.
Amen... the first post made me angry and scared that people actually see no issue with bed sharing.
After 2 months of sleeping for 2 hours in every 24 hour period after my first was born, I went to a guest room with a big bed and we bed shared. I warmed the room so I didn't need anything other than a light blanket and removed extra pillows. I nursed him and would sleep at the same time. DS1 was a difficult baby.
DS2 was a 180 of my first and was an easy sleeper from the start. I tried one time to bring him into bed with me to get a little extra sleep. He was mad! But he also gave me two 6 hour stretches every night starting week 4.
I believe that bed sharing should be a last resort for sanity. I was coming apart and was on the verge of a break down before I bed shared with my first, but given the choice I won't do it again.
I am a super super light sleeper so if the baby was in the bed with us I would never ever sleep. So I decided to opt for a reach in style bassinet for my side of the bed. And eventually will transition him to the crib in the nursery.
I'm a FTM so I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing or what to expect. Thinking about what I want right now, I would prefer to go straight to having baby sleep in a crib in his/her own room (directly next to our bedroom). However, I know things don't always go as planned, so I can't say that will for sure be what we do.
I absolutely do NOT feel comfortable with bed sharing though. I would be way too paranoid of one of us rolling over baby. I still don't know how I feel about room sharing, as I would like to keep our bedroom a private place for DH and I, but I would be open to it for the first few months I think.
Ultimately, I think we're just going to have to wing it and play it by ear to see what works best for our family.
I hope I doing this quoting thing right, in a complete newbie!
But I second everything you've just said @mrsschmity! I honestly hadn't really thought about it until this thread!
Re: Co-Sleeping
Never say what you are going to do before he baby arrives. :-)
We co slept a bit. He stayed in our room for almost 9 months. We had a crappy sleeper. And this is what worked for us. We co slept some. We didn't use any special co sleeper when he was in bed with us. But the way you begin to "become one" with your child is something that is indescribable until it happens. I was never worried.
My husband did like night caps. I would not allow my DS to sleep in our bed if any alcohol was involved.
Edit to add: if you bed share, do your research. There are ways to reduce ther risks associated with beds sharing (mainly suffocation). No pillows. I didn't pull a blanket up past my waist. We were in a king size bed. No loose clothing. Etc. and like I mentioned above, no drinking.
DST T4L
However, I have many mommy friends that safely bed share with their children for as long as works for their family, and I think that's fine because it's what works for them.
There is no inaccuracy in the fact that babies do die from suffocation when bedsharing, there's studies to show it, and pretending that if you do everything right, you eliminate all risks isnt a reasonable decision (to me).
You're more than within your right to bedshare, it isn't illegal and you have to do what's right for your family, but pushing it as a safe alternative to a co-sleeper or a crib in the same room isn't a responsible thing to be doing.
DD1 would not sleep anywhere else. We tried the crib, a cradle, a PnP, a swing, you name it. She literally would not sleep more than 15-20 minutes in any of those, and after a couple of weeks of not getting any sleep, I was dangerously exhausted and she cried all.the.time because she was extremely overtired as well. I did a lot of research on safe ways to bedshare, spoke with our pediatrician, and followed all of the rules. She bedshared with me until she turned 6 months old, and transitioned easily to the crib after that. I followed the same rules with DD2, although she slept with me a little longer, around 9 months old. They both slept great in their crib post-transition. Neither DH or I smoke or drink alcohol, we remove all pillows and bedding, use a firm mattress, etc. Bedsharing can actually reduce the risk of SIDS, as well, when done properly, as the baby will unconsciously match their breathing to their mother when sleeping next to them, according to our pediatrician.
My concern is... I would like to have some sexytime with DH at SOME point after the baby is here. I would feel weird about it with the baby in the room
Married 9/1/13
Off OCP 3/1/14
TTC 6/1/14
DX Endometriosis in 2002
Laparoscopy 2002 and 2007
HSG 8/2014, right tube partially blocked
1st BFP 1/5/15 EDD 9/12/15- miscarried 1/8/15
BFP 8/4/16 EDD 3/2/18- trisomy 18 girl- no heartbeat 8/25/17 at 13 weeks d&c 8/28/17
BFP 12/4/17 EDD 8/19/18
@cmac827 please tell your H that it's not possible to "coddle" or spoil newborn babies. I can understand not wanting a toddler to get in the habit of sleeping with you, but the infancy stage is completely different. It sounds like he might need some info about babies and newborn care, maybe a prenatal class offered through the hospital?
I would encourage new parents to really look at the evidence on bedsharing. Some reports make it seems very terrifying, however they almost all fail to account for unsafe practices and the true rates of death in infants when SAFELY bedsharing are not statistically significant (meaning the difference in crib/bedsharing is not significant).
Personally, I get nervous in months 0-3 as well. They are tiny and it's a bit scary...I am side carring the crib and hope to have baby mostly in there at that time. After 3/4 months there is NO evidence of increased risk whatsoever in any credible study.
The thing that upsets me with this discussion is that the MOST dangerous situation for an infant is accidental bedsharing or couch sleeping. When a parent has not researched safe practices and falls asleep with an infant out of exhaustion and desperation. This happens so often. I can't tell you how many mom's I have heard say "i don't want to bedshare so I'm sleeping with the baby on the couch"!!!! This is so much more dangerous.
It's like abstinence education to me. Telling people it's always dangerous, never do it, prevents them from being informed and knowing how it is possible to safely sleep with their babies. It leads to much more dangerous situations.
Sorry for the rant, I feel strongly about this clearly
Amen... the first post made me angry and scared that people actually see no issue with bed sharing.
After 2 months of sleeping for 2 hours in every 24 hour period after my first was born, I went to a guest room with a big bed and we bed shared. I warmed the room so I didn't need anything other than a light blanket and removed extra pillows. I nursed him and would sleep at the same time. DS1 was a difficult baby.
DS2 was a 180 of my first and was an easy sleeper from the start. I tried one time to bring him into bed with me to get a little extra sleep. He was mad! But he also gave me two 6 hour stretches every night starting week 4.
I believe that bed sharing should be a last resort for sanity. I was coming apart and was on the verge of a break down before I bed shared with my first, but given the choice I won't do it again.
But I second everything you've just said @mrsschmity! I honestly hadn't really thought about it until this thread!