NBR: SIL Wedding Rant

amandazap · January 2016

Sooo, my SIL is getting married in August. All family is in the wedding except me and DS. At first, I wasn't hurt by not being in the wedding, but now I'm getting aggravated because she is talking about it more and more. Normally I brush things off but this I am taking personal mainly because I am being made to feel like an outsider. Honestly, I am debating even going to the shower and just sending a gift with my MIL. I am also hoping LO comes right before the wedding so I don't have to be humiliated there. Word from the MOH (my husband's other sister) is that the bride wants DH to be an usher...which DH has told me he is declining ("I'm not working at my little sister's wedding!" blah blah.) Anyways, I am not sure how to approach this because I have a feeling my MIL or the MOH are going to ask my feelings on it soon. I know it's about the bride and it's her decision, but I feel totally excluded from the family. Any advice?

DressageDarling · January 2016

Honestly, I would let it go. If you aren't close, they may have been the reason she didn't ask. I didn't ask either of my SILs to stand up in my wedding. I do think your husband should usher if his sister asks. It takes like 15 minutes and it probably would mean a lot. I had my brother usher at our wedding since he wasn't standing up.

I completely understand feeling like an outsider with your in laws. My in laws never congratulated me on our pregnancy and really don't seem to care about getting to know me regardless of the effort I put forward. I just go along at this point. It's my husband's family and I'd rather go with the flow than hurt his feelings. Go to the shower, even if it's just for your husband's sake and to show you are trying. It doesn't sound like SIL has said anything to you that would make it uncomfortable for you to be there.

amandazap · January 2016

Yeah I think that's the most awkward part-she never said anything to me about it. Knowing her, she most likely will not. Also knowing me, I'll just sit in quiet fury and go with the flow lol

ZedPM3 · January 2016

Is it possible she didn't ask you because she knows you're due around then and didn't want you to have to stress over whether you can make or not or whether you'll be too uncomfortable if baby doesn't arrive before then? Or, like PP said, if you're not close that could be why. I didn't ask my SIL to be a bridesmaid because I wasn't close to her.

Also, a lot of times ushers just hand out programs and tell people what side to sit on (unless it's a very formal wedding where they seat the single women). Either way, they're still a part of the wedding party and I wouldn't consider it "working" anymore than being a groomsman is (less so, even).

amandazap · January 2016

Bridesmaids were picked well before I announced the pregnancy. I'm sure it's just because we aren't close. DH and his siblings have a very odd relationship so I think his issue with being an usher is a direct reflection of not being in the actual wedding party (it's all about them in that family). I told him being an usher is cake but for some reason he feels it is below him.

NicknShan · January 2016

** Lurking from June 2016, with my SILs wedding shortly after my due date **

You are not her blood relative. You are an inlaw. Why would you expect to be in her wedding? It sounds like you and your husband feel entitled for some reason, but this is her wedding. You have to let it go. If your DH turns down being an usher because it feels "below him" I would eye roll him if that were my brother.

Bookhousegirl · January 2016

I agree with PP's in that she may not have asked because you aren't that close. And along those same lines she may not even realize that her talking about the wedding is upsetting to you because she wouldn't expect you to want to be in the wedding in the first place. Honestly, I've been in weddings where I'm not super close to the bride or bridesmaids and it ends up being uncomfortable and awkward because it feels like you're there out of obligation. I say go to the shower and since you're not a bridesmaid you can actually sit and eat rather than helping unwrap gifts the whole time! Feeling like an outsider sucks, especially when it comes to in-laws, but since they are your husbands family you probably just have to suck it up

amandazap · January 2016

NicknShan said:

** Lurking from June 2016, with my SILs wedding shortly after my due date **

You are not her blood relative. You are an inlaw. Why would you expect to be in her wedding? It sounds like you and your husband feel entitled for some reason, but this is her wedding. You have to let it go. If your DH turns down being an usher because it feels "below him" I would eye roll him if that were my brother.

No sense of entitlement on my end. Just because I understand her reasoning doesn't mean my feelings still aren't a little hurt. It's a natural feeling. I also am the only in-law, so I'm also the only one not in the wedding. I think anyone in that position would feel left out-especially since it isn't your family. In the end, I'm going to sit back and enjoy 0 responsibility. I definitely don't agree with DH and I am working on getting him to not be stupid about it.

lalalorelai · January 2016

I get feeling hurt, but I agree with PPs that you should just let it go. Doing anything to spite her (like not attending her shower, or your H turning down being an usher) is just going to make it worse and make you guys look like the ones throwing a fit. Also, you say that you're the only family member not involved, but your H isn't a groomsman, right? And your SIL hasn't asked him to be an usher yet? So both you and him aren't in the wedding party, not just you.

Weddings cause a lot of drama for everyone involved. Don't make this into a bigger deal than it is.

NicknShan · January 2016

amandazap Good to hear that you are going to sit back and enjoy the lack of responsibility!!

I would do the same. Being in your shoes with my SILs wedding right after my due date, I can relate, and do not feel left out. Squeezing a PP body into a bridesmaid dress is not my favorite activity anyway!

Any chance your DS will get brought in as a ring bearer?

Also, if you want to be involved, you could offer to be her day-of-event-fire-putter-outter. Every wedding seems to need someone to save the day!

MrsWeh · January 2016

Try not to take it personally. I understand feeling left out but it can be very hard picking a bridal party. I didn't get to include everyone that I would have liked and it was very hard choosing. I felt terrible knowing that I had to leave some people out. But as you know, as a bride sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

MrsWeh · January 2016

andplusalso- if she talks to you about the wedding try to be happy and excited for her. That will go a long way and she will remember that you were supportive. ( I am assuming you have a good relationship)

1faceinacrowd · January 2016

I'm the only in-law in my husband's family (he's the middle of five but the only one who's married) and I'm trying to decide how I would feel if one of his siblings got married and didn't include me... I think it'd depend on the sibling. His older brother has a long-time girlfriend who I'm pretty close with, so I think I'd be hurt if they didn't have me involved in some way. But his older sister and I have never really connected; I get the feeling that she doesn't like me but DH insists that she's just super quiet and shy. I wouldn't be hurt at all if she didn't ask me; I think I'd actually be shocked if she did lol.
Just remember that brides have a lot of choices and difficult decisions to make when it comes to selecting their bridal party. I had a courthouse wedding with my DH so I had it easy, but if I had to choose just a few close friends and family members (I have 3 step-siblings, a brother, several VERY close friends of 10+ years, etc.) then it would be really difficult to narrow it down, and I don't think a SIL who I'm not too close with would even come close to making the cut. Not because I don't like that person, or that I don't want to get to know them or include them, but because my close friends would be much more hurt if I chose her over them, and sometimes you have to pick and choose.

cbpalagi · January 2016

Take Elsa's advice and "let it go" both my husband and I weren't in my SIL wedding and stressing over it made it worse

bearsandbeets7 · January 2016

Consider yourself lucky not to be in the wedding! Just show up, watch them get married, and eat! You don't have to worry about any added stress on top of either about to have or just having a baby! Not worth it.

Mrsrundell · January 2016

I'm always relieved when I just attend a wedding and don't have to do all the busy /expensive aspects. I could see it as a dig but ehh that's her character not yours ... I wasn't even technically invited to my sil wedding our invite had my hubby's name and guest lol

DressageDarling · January 2016

@amandazap I'm right with you on the silent fury. Sometimes it just better to vent to someone outside of the family. My husband just gets upset about the situation. I do tell him if something is crazy out of line, but most of the time I just rant to my mother about it.

amandam925 · January 2016

Okay, so, I'm going to offer a different perspective: I have a lot of sisters, and I didn't ask a single one of them to be bridesmaids when my husband and I got married. (I was a bridesmaid in three of my sisters' weddings and a flower girl in a fourth sister's wedding.) It wasn't meant as a statement about closeness or whether I wanted them involved in our wedding -- it was a numbers thing. We wanted to keep things small and I didn't want to ask some of my sisters but not others. My sisters were still a part of our wedding, I included them in other ways, and the only difference was that they didn't have to stand up throughout the ceremony or buy ugly, matching dresses.

That's my *actual* sisters. I like my brother's wife and all, but it would have never crossed my mind to include her in my wedding party, and that's pretty normal (from what I've seen in the many, many weddings I've attended). People include their siblings and their future spouses' siblings -- even when their siblings have been married for many years, it is extremely rare for them to be included in the wedding party. There's no reason to feel humiliated or excluded here.

This reminds me of the saying "expectations are resentments waiting to happen." I know you say that you didn't feel entitled to this, but if you had assumed that you wouldn't be asked to be in the wedding party, you would have been pleasantly surprised if you were asked and not at all disappointment that you weren't asked. It will probably be easier for you in the future to lower your expectations with your husband's family.

All that said, I will say this: when my now ex-husband's brother got married, his wife did not include me in the wedding party. It did not occur to me that she would, and I did not feel at all offended/humiliated/excluded by not being asked to be in her wedding party. The wedding was beautiful, and I had a wonderful, relaxing time. Go, relax, enjoy, and appreciate not having to wear an ugly, matching dress.

tinkerbell11210 · January 2016

I agree with most of the responses above that you shouldn't my take this personally. My husband's youngest brother got married a few years ago. Both my husband and daughter were in the wedding and I was not. My sister-in law and I were both in the same boat since her husband and son were in the wedding as well. Neither of us even had a second thought about being upset about not being in the wedding party. We are family through marriage. I was not friends with her prior to her joining the family. So why would I expect to be in the wedding.
What would have upset me is if my daughter and nephew were not asked to be the ring barrer and flower girl.

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