@smnewby oh my god! I wish I could have pulled that off while I was pregnant! Too bad the modem sits right beside his xbox
I was thinking the exact same thing. It's right next to it, so it's impossible to have a "strange Internet outage."
Now, I will say that now that my son is holding his own head up and interested in interacting my husband is stepping back up. But I still get annoyed with the video game thing. Like, for example I'll be cooking dinner while the baby naps in his rock and play in the living room by my husband. But if he wakes up I have to run in and tend to him because my husband is in the middle of a game on call of duty. Because his ruining a game is apparently worse than me possibly burning dinner.
This is our first and DH keeps talking about wanting another in a couple of years. Finally I'd had enough of it and told him that unless he starts helping when he's home then there is no way we can have another. I'm overwhelmed as it is... This morning he actually told me to go back to bed because he knows how tired I am and he took care of the baby. The only other time he's offered to do that he brought a screaming baby in the room after a few minutes and just gave her back.
It's such a turnaround because he recently told me I get more sleep than he does, and he actually meant it! He had no idea that LO wakes up every 2-4 hours.
My fiancé watches our boys at night on his nights off (he works 7pm-7am) so I can sleep. But yesterday I turned 21 & he slept all freaking day! I was so mad. So when he finally woke up & after buying me dinner I was doing laundry & I hear the baby crying. I keep doing laundry because I knew he was right there but them after a bit I still heard crying. Went to go check why he was still crying & my fiancé is laying in bed on his phone!! I snapped and was like "wtf do these kids only have 1 parent!!?" After that when I went to do laundry I heard crying & he sure did get his ass up & took care of him. LO was cluster feeding that's y I was so frustrated he was up for 4 hours straight non stop eating. Also it was 2am. Yes I was doing laundry at 2am. Ugh.
DH really tries to be helpful and supportive, but I'm still frustrated because he doesn't get it. Breastfeeding so hard the first month! Well now it's much easier and I can feed little one in twenty minutes. However, bottle feeding is hard still. I left LO with DH for 6 hours one day in hopes he would "get it". You know what conclusion he came to? I have it easier because I have boobs to provide for LO and can feed him faster...
After our talk, I got some improvement. For a few days. Now we're back to square one. I wouldn't mind so much if he just didn't help but let me do my own thing, but he's the biggest back seat driver in the world when it comes to baby care, and if I disagree with how he thinks something should be handled, we have a massive fight. We've fought so much since she came home, I'm too tired to keep it up so I just deal with what he wants anymore. I'm not allowed to drive alone with her unless its absolutely necessary, not allowed to use a monitor, not allowed to leave her alone longer than a pee break, not allowed to leave her awake but content in her bassinet (if she stirs even a little, he walks over to check on her, and if she's awake he wakes me up and makes me take her. Kid is never going to learn to self soothe), not allowed to swaddle her arms in so she doesn't bonk herself in the head and wake herself up (making the pick her up as soon as she wakes thing worse). Sometimes I wonder if he's trying to send me to the nut house, bc I'm barely sleeping, eating crap bc i cant cook or go food shopping so he gets us takeout all the time, and I don't leave the house except for doctors visits. It was livable the first few weeks but after almost 2 months? I feel like a prisoner.
@AmoLovesAud that sounds abusive! If I were you I'd make some changes asap. Why is he waking you up when she stirs if she's content, why is he not taking her if he's so adamant that she not be left alone? Seriously unless you have some sort of health issue that precludes you from going out alone with her, that is just way too controlling. Will he go to the doctor with you so you can ask then what they think about his parenting and he can hear from the horse's mouth that his ideas are completely ridiculous? Not sure if he was like this before the baby, but if he's unable to compromise and also help you out with the baby he helped make I'd be outta there so fast...
@AmoLovesAud if I were you, the next time your husband runs over to the bassinet and wakes you up saying the baby is awake I'd be like, "You better pick her up then." and roll over and go back to sleep
@AmoLovesAud This is crazy concerning as the can't list is so large that you're set up that even the can list won't work. I understand not wanting to fight but you've hit a point where, not just how you parent, but how you exist is being dictated and your quality of life is major suffering. Not cook for yourself? Not leave the house? Have a minute to yourself or break from the baby? These are all important things to do to help remind you of being an individual and not just 'mom'. If not for yourself, do something for your LO who right now isn't given the space to developmentally develop and later on will be in the exact same controlling environment you're in now. This is not healthy nor okay. If at any point you're saying "I feel like s prisoner in my own home." (Which you did) then you need to adjust something. Home is meant to be safe,comforting, and a place of peace. Reach out to a counselor,your doctors, local women support centers -Anything - to see your different options for broaching and fixing this. Hang in there.
@AmoLovesAud you may not want to believe it but your husband is abusive. There are other types of abuse asides from physical and they are just as bad. I know you may not see it that way, I've been in your shoes. My highschool boyfriend was abusive, cops had to be involved for me to leave him (I didn't have a baby with him so I understand it is different for you). I had to move across the country to stop being harassed by him. It is not a safe or healthy situation to be in. Ask yourself this: would you want your baby to one day grow up and end up with someone like your dh? If you said no, you know you shouldn't be either.
@nmwheel1@Lolo427@doodleoodle@bellie1223 thanks all. I do know its extreme, and I know he's not trying to be abusive, its just that his preferences for how she's raised are really, really restricting on me, and we've tried to come to compromises but he feels so strongly about these things, and he's been too busy with work/I'm too sleep deprived for us to sit down and talk about it rationally like adults.... and, he doesn't think about it rationally. He has major anxiety problems, and they've never effected me much (well except for that summer that he constantly thought he was having a stroke or heart attack and we went to the ER practically every week) until now, since its about how he wants his daughter handled and I'm her main caretaker. He wants all these restrictions because of SIDS, he never wants her out of sight of an adult, ever. In his perfect world, we could take shifts so there'd always be an AWAKE adult watching her, but unfortunately he needs to sleep to function for work and I insist on sleeping, so no dice on that. He walked out on me, though, tonight, because we were talking about eventual use of the video monitor (I never cared b/c she's so small now, but eventually when she's taking consistent naps, I'd like to be able to put her down somewhere quiet and dark and go take care of the house, at least), and he'd rather I never use it, or only use it for brief (less than 20 minute, we never talked about how much less than that, just that 20 minutes is unacceptable) periods, and when I pointed out that I'll go crazy never having my own space, he proposed that he would take care of her for every minute he's not at work so I can do housework/have a life/whatever. He thinks using a video monitor is endangering her life (so I'm endangering her life by suggesting using them, for something so selfish as taking care of the house or having me time when I could totally put all those things off until he gets home), b/c she could stop breathing and we wouldn't notice, and the motion detector alarm monitors are too new technology and he doesn't trust them. I'm not necessarily opposed to it (hey, its his life), but I think its unhealthy, and will result in him, me, LO, or all 3 of us being unhealthy by the end (he wants to do this until she's out of SIDS risk age, so practically all year). He was so offended that I think its unhealthy that he's staying in a hotel tonight. I'm just... I don't know what to do. I don't think its healthy, I do think he needs to talk to someone about it, but I don't want to get a divorce or leave him.
@AmoLovesAud anxiety is a major problem. Everyone in my family suffers from it except me. Is he seeing someone or on meds? Maybe you could start there.
@cdepperschmidt he's offended and upset bc I suggested he talk to someone. He doesn't think its a problem at all, he says its just a difference of opinion and that I'm saying any opinion different than mine is a mental disorder.
@nmwheel1@Lolo427@doodleoodle@bellie1223 thanks all. I do know its extreme, and I know he's not trying to be abusive, its just that his preferences for how she's raised are really, really restricting on me, and we've tried to come to compromises but he feels so strongly about these things, and he's been too busy with work/I'm too sleep deprived for us to sit down and talk about it rationally like adults.... and, he doesn't think about it rationally. He has major anxiety problems, and they've never effected me much (well except for that summer that he constantly thought he was having a stroke or heart attack and we went to the ER practically every week) until now, since its about how he wants his daughter handled and I'm her main caretaker. He wants all these restrictions because of SIDS, he never wants her out of sight of an adult, ever. In his perfect world, we could take shifts so there'd always be an AWAKE adult watching her, but unfortunately he needs to sleep to function for work and I insist on sleeping, so no dice on that. He walked out on me, though, tonight, because we were talking about eventual use of the video monitor (I never cared b/c she's so small now, but eventually when she's taking consistent naps, I'd like to be able to put her down somewhere quiet and dark and go take care of the house, at least), and he'd rather I never use it, or only use it for brief (less than 20 minute, we never talked about how much less than that, just that 20 minutes is unacceptable) periods, and when I pointed out that I'll go crazy never having my own space, he proposed that he would take care of her for every minute he's not at work so I can do housework/have a life/whatever. He thinks using a video monitor is endangering her life (so I'm endangering her life by suggesting using them, for something so selfish as taking care of the house or having me time when I could totally put all those things off until he gets home), b/c she could stop breathing and we wouldn't notice, and the motion detector alarm monitors are too new technology and he doesn't trust them. I'm not necessarily opposed to it (hey, its his life), but I think its unhealthy, and will result in him, me, LO, or all 3 of us being unhealthy by the end (he wants to do this until she's out of SIDS risk age, so practically all year). He was so offended that I think its unhealthy that he's staying in a hotel tonight. I'm just... I don't know what to do. I don't think its healthy, I do think he needs to talk to someone about it, but I don't want to get a divorce or leave him.
It sounds like he needs some serious mental help. None of that is healthy for any of you. You need to get him help for the sake of your own health and your child.
@cdepperschmidt he's offended and upset bc I suggested he talk to someone. He doesn't think its a problem at all, he says its just a difference of opinion and that I'm saying any opinion different than mine is a mental disorder.
Would he be able to go to thr pediatrician with you to discuss all his demands. Once thr pediatrician tells him he is absolutely not necessary, then you can discuss his anxiety. Honestly you cannot live this way, and you certainly can't raise a child in this environment. Can you imagine how your child will feel in a few years when he starts placing demands on them as well. I understand you want to support your husband but you need to take care of yourself and your LO, especially if he does not believe he needs treatment. He needs to realize that the way he is treating you is not acceptable. You can't be a prisoner in your own home just because he is in denial about his anxiety.
@nmwheel1@Lolo427@doodleoodle@bellie1223 thanks all. I do know its extreme, and I know he's not trying to be abusive, its just that his preferences for how she's raised are really, really restricting on me, and we've tried to come to compromises but he feels so strongly about these things, and he's been too busy with work/I'm too sleep deprived for us to sit down and talk about it rationally like adults.... and, he doesn't think about it rationally. He has major anxiety problems, and they've never effected me much (well except for that summer that he constantly thought he was having a stroke or heart attack and we went to the ER practically every week) until now, since its about how he wants his daughter handled and I'm her main caretaker. He wants all these restrictions because of SIDS, he never wants her out of sight of an adult, ever. In his perfect world, we could take shifts so there'd always be an AWAKE adult watching her, but unfortunately he needs to sleep to function for work and I insist on sleeping, so no dice on that. He walked out on me, though, tonight, because we were talking about eventual use of the video monitor (I never cared b/c she's so small now, but eventually when she's taking consistent naps, I'd like to be able to put her down somewhere quiet and dark and go take care of the house, at least), and he'd rather I never use it, or only use it for brief (less than 20 minute, we never talked about how much less than that, just that 20 minutes is unacceptable) periods, and when I pointed out that I'll go crazy never having my own space, he proposed that he would take care of her for every minute he's not at work so I can do housework/have a life/whatever. He thinks using a video monitor is endangering her life (so I'm endangering her life by suggesting using them, for something so selfish as taking care of the house or having me time when I could totally put all those things off until he gets home), b/c she could stop breathing and we wouldn't notice, and the motion detector alarm monitors are too new technology and he doesn't trust them. I'm not necessarily opposed to it (hey, its his life), but I think its unhealthy, and will result in him, me, LO, or all 3 of us being unhealthy by the end (he wants to do this until she's out of SIDS risk age, so practically all year). He was so offended that I think its unhealthy that he's staying in a hotel tonight. I'm just... I don't know what to do. I don't think its healthy, I do think he needs to talk to someone about it, but I don't want to get a divorce or leave him.
At the end of the day- you are not living the life of your husband- you are the only one living your life and the only one you need to answer to. You're number one priority is always to yourself and your LO and by no means should someone else's mental stability ruin that. I understand that anxiety is crippling- but your husbands anxiety shouldn't be crippling you as well. Unfortunately with these things there tends to be a crossroads where either boundaries are set and compromises discussed and made, or not. Since there is a new factor of your LO, old ways of helping him coping with (and you coping with him having) his anxiety may not work anymore. I think it's awesome you stood your ground on the monitor; Honestly I feel as though standing your ground also about him getting help is your best (and one of the only) routes to make sure you're not enabling his behaviors or that his behaviors don't continue to affect your quality of life.
@AmoLovesAud is there anyway you could show him the facts/prevention techniques for SIDS to make him realize he's going overboard? And if you're sleep deprived or just burnt out due to never having space then you may not catch that the baby isn't just sleeping anyway. This may be wrong, but honestly, if I were you then I'd just parent how you want to and continue to talk to him about it. If he comes home to a clean house etc. and he gets upset then so be it. His opinion shouldn't ultimately win out by default. Do what you want to do when you have the baby and let him do what he wants to do when he has the baby.
@AmoLovesAud Can you recruit a friend or family member who is a parent to talk to him? He needs to understand that his anxieties are irrational and they are negatively affecting you and your ability to take care of your baby. Having another voice besides yours, maybe even his mother or a close friend, could help him see that it is a problem.
Anxiety can be normal, but it becomes a disorder when it gets in the way of you or those you love living a normal, happy life. There are lots of treatments, and not all are medication. Cognitive behavioral therapy may help him recognize when he is being irrational.
@AmoLovesAud my husband is main provider and I turn to him before making and big decision in that'll I effect the household but I by no means will let him dictate how I care for my baby. He can care for her how he pleases but I am home all day every day taking care of her I am tired and taking care of a household plus a demanding baby(and my little is VERY low maintence) yoy should have the freedom to do the same
DH usually is good about helping as long as i ask.. But tonight I mentioned him sleeping on my side of the bed...he laughed and asked why...I told him in case the baby wakes up, you can take care of her since you don't have to work in the morning. Now, if he would have entertained the idea I would have dropped it and taken care of things as usual... However he laughed...again. I asked what we were going to do in two weeks when I'm back at work, and he said well I'll help then... Ok, but not now? And again he laughed and said no, I said why, he said he didn't know...so... He fell asleep and i left the baby next to the bed in her rock n play and I am on the couch. I am so mad right now, and I don't even want to be away from her, but I can't believe the idea of him helping is so comical! And she even sleeps for six hours at night!
Re: Am I the only one whose husband is no longer stepping up?
Now, I will say that now that my son is holding his own head up and interested in interacting my husband is stepping back up. But I still get annoyed with the video game thing. Like, for example I'll be cooking dinner while the baby naps in his rock and play in the living room by my husband. But if he wakes up I have to run in and tend to him because my husband is in the middle of a game on call of duty. Because his ruining a game is apparently worse than me possibly burning dinner.
It's such a turnaround because he recently told me I get more sleep than he does, and he actually meant it! He had no idea that LO wakes up every 2-4 hours.
Also, the PS4 needs to go like yesterday...
Ask yourself this: would you want your baby to one day grow up and end up with someone like your dh? If you said no, you know you shouldn't be either.
@nmwheel1 @Lolo427 @doodleoodle @bellie1223 thanks all. I do know its extreme, and I know he's not trying to be abusive, its just that his preferences for how she's raised are really, really restricting on me, and we've tried to come to compromises but he feels so strongly about these things, and he's been too busy with work/I'm too sleep deprived for us to sit down and talk about it rationally like adults.... and, he doesn't think about it rationally. He has major anxiety problems, and they've never effected me much (well except for that summer that he constantly thought he was having a stroke or heart attack and we went to the ER practically every week) until now, since its about how he wants his daughter handled and I'm her main caretaker. He wants all these restrictions because of SIDS, he never wants her out of sight of an adult, ever. In his perfect world, we could take shifts so there'd always be an AWAKE adult watching her, but unfortunately he needs to sleep to function for work and I insist on sleeping, so no dice on that. He walked out on me, though, tonight, because we were talking about eventual use of the video monitor (I never cared b/c she's so small now, but eventually when she's taking consistent naps, I'd like to be able to put her down somewhere quiet and dark and go take care of the house, at least), and he'd rather I never use it, or only use it for brief (less than 20 minute, we never talked about how much less than that, just that 20 minutes is unacceptable) periods, and when I pointed out that I'll go crazy never having my own space, he proposed that he would take care of her for every minute he's not at work so I can do housework/have a life/whatever. He thinks using a video monitor is endangering her life (so I'm endangering her life by suggesting using them, for something so selfish as taking care of the house or having me time when I could totally put all those things off until he gets home), b/c she could stop breathing and we wouldn't notice, and the motion detector alarm monitors are too new technology and he doesn't trust them. I'm not necessarily opposed to it (hey, its his life), but I think its unhealthy, and will result in him, me, LO, or all 3 of us being unhealthy by the end (he wants to do this until she's out of SIDS risk age, so practically all year). He was so offended that I think its unhealthy that he's staying in a hotel tonight. I'm just... I don't know what to do. I don't think its healthy, I do think he needs to talk to someone about it, but I don't want to get a divorce or leave him.
You need to get him help for the sake of your own health and your child.
Honestly you cannot live this way, and you certainly can't raise a child in this environment. Can you imagine how your child will feel in a few years when he starts placing demands on them as well. I understand you want to support your husband but you need to take care of yourself and your LO, especially if he does not believe he needs treatment. He needs to realize that the way he is treating you is not acceptable. You can't be a prisoner in your own home just because he is in denial about his anxiety.
Anxiety can be normal, but it becomes a disorder when it gets in the way of you or those you love living a normal, happy life. There are lots of treatments, and not all are medication. Cognitive behavioral therapy may help him recognize when he is being irrational.