Insecurity: opinions welcome please!

lpinion13 · January 2016

So, Iv posted before about the lack of sex with my boyfriend since I have gotten pregnant. I have told him time and time again that he is not going to hurt the baby and I really don't think this is why he doesn't want to. He hasn't been sleeping in bed with me for months now, he always says that he is uncomfortable but it never bothered him to sleep in it before. I'm very insecure and now with ask the pregnancy hormones and gaining weight is even worse. So he added this girl on Facebook and I got a gut feeling something wasn't quite right. I asked who she was and he said just a friend. I knew in my heart she wasn't for some reason. So I asked just a friend? He said yes several times then said that he used to have sex with her. When I asked when he said like 3 or 4 years ago. So of course me being me I got upset. Why If she was just a "sometimes we would drink and have sex" kind of friend and you haven't spoken in 3 or 4 years would he all of a sudden add her on Facebook? And also why add her while your in a serious relationship (with someone you never have sex with anymore or even sleep in bed with) and about to have a kid? Very confused and hurt.

kwrightnb · January 2016

I'm so sorry .. That's awful. I don't have a hell of a lot of advice but that's not fair to you and I wouldn't put up with that. UGH I hate Facebook, as soon as my SO and I got in a relationship we both deleted 95% of our Facebook friends and now only have people we actually talk to.
I get that it's a scary time for your SO but that's not acceptable ..

lpinion13 · January 2016

I tried to explain to him how I felt about it and that I didn't think it was acceptable. All I get is I'm crazy and controlling. Thanks for your input. I definitely needed to hear that I wasnt overreacting. I hate Facebook!

TXmamatobe · January 2016

lpinion13 said:
I tried to explain to him how I felt about it and that I didn't think it was acceptable. All I get is I'm crazy and controlling. Thanks for your input. I definitely needed to hear that I wasnt overreacting. I hate Facebook!

Sometimes men (or women) who are faced with hard questions such as these try to turn it around by saying the woman is "crazy" and "controlling". I've experienced this in a past relationship years ago. I grew suspicious and confronted him and it was always turned around on me - I could never get a straight answer. When I found out the truth, it wasn't good.

This is not to say he is cheating on you but don't be roped into guilt or insecurity because he calls you crazy or controlling. Seems like an attempt to push off a real discussion about some serious issues. So sorry you are dealing with this.

lionstigersbears · January 2016

I don't think it's acceptable or kind. I also don't believe the only option is that he's going to do something shady or at least isn't currently intending to. People can be their own worst enemy sometimes and do stupid things that open doors that should remain shut. At a potentially stressful/confusing/emotional time he could be doing this without bad intentions but that doesn't get him off the hook. I'd try to have a real conversation with him when it cools down, not based on jealousy, but on the insecurities that have you worrying. Boundaries and cutting some ties sounds likes it needed too, but might be a conversation of its own. I'm sorry you're dealing with this

lpinion13 · January 2016

lionstigersbears said:
I don't think it's acceptable or kind. I also don't believe the only option is that he's going to do something shady or at least isn't currently intending to. People can be their own worst enemy sometimes and do stupid things that open doors that should remain shut. At a potentially stressful/confusing/emotional time he could be doing this without bad intentions but that doesn't get him off the hook. I'd try to have a real conversation with him when it cools down, not based on jealousy, but on the insecurities that have you worrying. Boundaries and cutting some ties sounds likes it needed too, but might be a conversation of its own. I'm sorry you're dealing with this

Thanks so much for this. It makes me feel a little better and im really hoping that this is the case.

mello13 · January 2016

Here's the thing, even if you were being crazy (which I don't think you are) the fact that it is important and/or upsetting to you should make it important to him. He's clearly been distancing himself from you for a while, and staying silent while hoping that will change won't work. I think, as difficult as it is, it's time for a serious conversation about everything. Him belittling your concerns and deflecting blame isn't acceptable. You need to be honest with yourself about what you want, and prepared for him to do the same.

*Hugs for you * Know that regardless you can and will get through this.

LadySamLady · January 2016

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with what PPs have said. It seems like trust is the real issue here, do you think you'll ever be able to trust him? If not it is going to be very difficult to find happiness and fulfillment in the relationship.

It sounds like you could benefit from couples counseling to help with effective and productive communication, if he is willing I would definitely try to get some help before the LO is born.

Keep your chin up, it will get better!

dshannah · January 2016

Forget the girl: your SO has been being dishonest with you for a long time. He can't talk with you honestly about what is bothering him, and he is distancing himself from you. DTMFA, because he has already checked out of the relationship, and if he's gotten to the point where he has dared to question your mental stability, there is no salvaging it.

Kick him to the curb and do not let him gaslight you!!!!!!!!!

You are better without him.

vinerie · January 2016

I agree with PP--it's not fair if he tries to reframe the issue as you being controlling. My suggestion would be to focus on what you absolutely know: if he's not even sleeping in your bed, and you don't feel okay with that/don't understand why, then you should address it. And he should be forthcoming about why he's making that choice. My husband is reading a fatherhood book, and there is a whole section on sex while pregnant. It's not uncommon for some men to feel uncomfortable having sex. Give him some reading to help calm his fears. But the not sleeping in your bed thing--that might go beyond fears of hurting the baby. Hugs to you...

kp90 · January 2016

So sorry you're dealing with this and especially while pregnant. I wish I had good advice but Facebook ruined my first marriage. It was the start of our trust issues and got my then husband into trouble because he couldn't stop talking to other women. Eventually that led to other things and forms of communication. We tried therapy and deleted our face books and the lies, etc never stopped. My advice to you is if you're already having trust issues now, chances are they will only get worse. When you're in a happy committed relationship I see no reason why either party needs to be friends with or keep in contact with old flames/sexual partners. If he is not willing to delete her or his Facebook entirely then he is not committed to you. When you love someone you should be willing to move mountains for that person to save your relationship. If he is not willing to move mountains for you, I would say you're better off without him. I know that may seem very scary given your situation and pregnancy but keep your LO in mind and what's best for you and the baby. You don't want to bring a child into this world in an unstable, unhappy relationship. I wish you the best and hope things work out the way you want them to. Just remember to put LO and yourself first. Period.

doozer1345 · January 2016

The long and short of it is no matter if anything is going on you are uncomfortable. Period. Being in a relationship commands respect. That means respecting each others feelings about a variety of subjects that the other one may not agree with. It does make it harder for you being pg and your hormones going everywhere but don't let yourself or him use that as an excuse. You should command respect in your relationship as you should freely give it to him as well. GL I hope things work out.

TheThornBird · January 2016

Ugh, I always hated when guys use the "you're just crazy/insecure/controlling" excuse. 99% of the time they were up to something shady and were just trying to shut me up (true story: a guy I was dating once slept in a hotel room with 2 girls after taking them both to a wedding instead of me, claimed nothing happened, and said I was just insecure. Uhhhh......at least one of them stole all his cash, yay for karma!). It works, too, since there's a lot of cultural pressure to be the "cool girl", and society mocks the so-called jealous woman. But I digress......

Trust your gut. People in healthy relationships don't put random facebook friends above their partner's comfort. Or sleep in separate rooms for stupid reasons. If he's willing to go to counseling, go. This kind of issue can be tough to handle on your own, especially while pregnant. If you plan on getting married in the future, you can try framing it as pre-marital counseling, which may make him more willing. Or pre-baby counseling. If he won't go, go on your own. A good counselor can really help you work through this issue on your own.

Also- start preparing for the worst. What is just a facebook friend now can easily turn into much more down the road, and if he's sleeping on his own, my guess is he's already up to some pretty sketchy stuff and is using your pregnancy as an excuse to cover it up. Get all your legal ducks in a row. Do you have family and a good support system where you currently live? Whatever state the baby is born in is legally the state it has to stay in. So if you moved out-of-state to be with him, now might be a good time to think about moving back, or else you'll be stuck there even if you break up. Check out the child support and custody laws in your state. Many lawyers and mediators offer free consultations, so take advantage of that. Mediators can be a good lower-cost alternative to a lawyer, and if they are knowledgeable on family law they can help you figure out what to do.

Also, check out the website www.chumplady.com. It's for people who have been cheated on, and while that isn't exactly your case, it has a ton of good information on how to protect yourself legally, financially, and emotionally. There's a forum you can post on for some advice. I know that sounds extreme, but you don't want to be blindsided if you discover your bf is doing more behind your back.

Good luck with everything, and please keep us posted!

lpinion13 · January 2016

Thank you all so much! It's hard for me to talk about this with my sisters or friends. I don't want them to think less of my SO if he really was just innocently adding her, which after a few days of discussion I believe is the case. I reallt appreciate all you ladies taking time to give me your thoughts and input! Good luck to you all and thanks again! ! ♡♡♡

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