scared, feeling alone. I don't want to do this anymore — The Bump
2nd Trimester

scared, feeling alone. I don't want to do this anymore

I am 17 weeks as of yesterday and last week my bump popped out. I thought I was going to be happy and excited about it because I wouldn't just be bloated and feel like my pregnancy was invisible anymore.  However, the last week has been extremely emotional between work problems and feeling alone in my relationship.  Im not enjoying being pregnant and I know I should be grateful because I've been so scared about a miscarriage but this is a lot.  

My husband has repeatedly told me he misses going out for drinks together, he doesn't want to have sex anymore because of my belly, and he's been acting weird the last week.  Also, I am a nanny and the family I work for is terrible. I feel like it's taking so much effort to keep my emotions in a good place and understand that it's all going to be okay but its overwhelming.  When I say overwhelming I mean that I don't want to do this anymore. I know i don't really mean that and i would be devastated if I lost the baby so that's not really what i mean.  I mean that I don't want to do all of this stuff. I don't want to go to work, come home and have conflict or feel distant from my husband. I don't want to be ignored all day while he watches football. I don't want to feel alone and NOT sexy at all. I don't want to feel like this is going to be the end of things. I feel like "Is this just how it's going to be?" is our relationship going to change into this and having a baby is going to mean the end of feeling close to my husband.  Am i just going to be an unattractive mom? I've always been in great shape and in a generally chipper mood but right now I'm trending water. I don't recognize myself or what is going on in my life. I want to cry but my husbands so tired of me crying. He called me a debby downer. I don't want to beg for his attention. I don't want to feel these feelings anymore. I want to feel close to my husband and go out like we use too. 

Re: scared, feeling alone. I don't want to do this anymore

  • Y'all can still go out together. Just because you can't have a drink doesn't mean you can't leave the house. My husband and I still go out (to not crazy places obviously). We meet friends and family for dinner or whatever. You can't let your entire life stop just because you're pregnant. If you focus 100% on the baby your marriage will ultimately suffer.

    I personally haven't had the issue with my husband not wanting to have sex but I know lots of women do and it is a very normal issue during pregnancy. While I can't give you any personal advice, just know you aren't alone.

    I'm also a nanny and it is VERY stressful and hard. I don't know what your situation is with the family you work for but I agreed with mine that I wouldn't be returning after I have the baby. We set a day for me to be done working so I could have some R&R time before baby is born.
    kynbar5CecilB93
  • I am 17 weeks as of yesterday and last week my bump popped out. I thought I was going to be happy and excited about it because I wouldn't just be bloated and feel like my pregnancy was invisible anymore.  However, the last week has been extremely emotional between work problems and feeling alone in my relationship.  Im not enjoying being pregnant and I know I should be grateful because I've been so scared about a miscarriage but this is a lot.  


    My husband has repeatedly told me he misses going out for drinks together, he doesn't want to have sex anymore because of my belly, and he's been acting weird the last week.  Also, I am a nanny and the family I work for is terrible. I feel like it's taking so much effort to keep my emotions in a good place and understand that it's all going to be okay but its overwhelming.  When I say overwhelming I mean that I don't want to do this anymore. I know i don't really mean that and i would be devastated if I lost the baby so that's not really what i mean.  I mean that I don't want to do all of this stuff. I don't want to go to work, come home and have conflict or feel distant from my husband. I don't want to be ignored all day while he watches football. I don't want to feel alone and NOT sexy at all. I don't want to feel like this is going to be the end of things. I feel like "Is this just how it's going to be?" is our relationship going to change into this and having a baby is going to mean the end of feeling close to my husband.  Am i just going to be an unattractive mom? I've always been in great shape and in a generally chipper mood but right now I'm trending water. I don't recognize myself or what is going on in my life. I want to cry but my husbands so tired of me crying. He called me a debby downer. I don't want to beg for his attention. I don't want to feel these feelings anymore. I want to feel close to my husband and go out like we use too. 

    Woah.
    It could be that while DH is excited for the baby, he's feeling nostalgic for the 'old days' and having a hard time adjusting. Were you and DH trying for long? It happened quickly for us, and I know, while my DH was thrilled, he had an oh-sh*t moment when I told him.

    I'd recommend talking to your doctor, too.. Your hormones are raging and it might be a good idea to discuss it with someone.
    CecilB93
  • Sorry you feel this way. I lm going to have to agree with taking to your doctor. Also talk to your husband.
  • Ante partum depression is real-mention to your OB or midwife how you are feeling. I have a fantastic OB and he got me in to see a therapist ASAP and sees me more often because of how I'm feeling. My DH also had a hard time for a little bit-though he went the other way and became smothering. He too tells me to stop crying, but I think he's finally starting to understand that sometimes we have no control over it. 

    With someone you can start to piece together a plan to feeling okay. I went over with my therapist with my schedule-we cut down my work hours, as I'm still in school. We agreed I'm stopping at the end of this term so I have a bit more breathing room. Have you talked with your DH or your employer about when you will be leaving or if you will be going back? Having a timeline will help as it can give you little goals to watch for.

    Maybe you and DH can plan for a dinner out, either the two of you or with friends? He may be missing couple time-make a pact not to talk about the baby or pregnancy for a few hours. Go see a movie together. Do something you both can enjoy-DH and I have been taking turns playing Fallout 4-it's something we both are into which isn't just solely focused on me and baby. We also play League of Legends together and a few other games. It's something we both like to do to relax and it helps us connect without really having to leave the house (as I don't really feel up to it most nights when I get home).

    I started to show early and just essentially felt gross until I started to feel my baby really begin to move a lot. Some days she's really lazy and doesn't move much, but now I can feel she's in there I don't feel as gross. 
    DD: Beatrix Louise aka BeeBop. April 2 2016. H.I.E Warrior <3
    CecilB93SisterMaryNapalm
  • I'm so sorry your going through this. I echo what PPs have said, please tell your doctor or midwife how you are feeling so they can help you. I've been in weekly therapy for years and even though I was afraid to go at first I can't imagine life without it now. Having that time to focus and work on myself with a professional that I trust is really important for my happiness, sanity, and health. Please do not try to deal with these intense emotions alone, asking for help can be scary but it is so worth it if you can find the strength.

    CecilB93
  • I'm sorry you're going through this. Pregnancy is definitely an adjustment on both sides. There's always more to it, but it sounds like your husband seriously needs to grow up and, you know, be a husband. If talking to him doesn't help I'd be demanding couples counseling, or at the very least counseling for yourself (though IMO a partner that refuses to go to counseling is a big red flag). Don't put it off, even if things do even out you will probably still resent each other. It's better to hash things out now. Good luck. 
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    CecilB93peregrinefalconx
  • I'm really sorry you are feeling so down about this particular stage of your life. That sounds so tough, and I hope you are able to ride it out.

    Pregnancy and babies change relationships, but they shouldn't change them THIS much. Have y'all thought about couple's counseling? You definitely could use some personal therapy just so that you can have a trained professional to help you work through these big changes. There is plenty that goes into a mom that does not involve your looks. You need to look past the body changes for the moment. Your body WILL change and it won't be the same even after you lose the weight. Your body carried life. Not everyone gets the opportunity to do that.

    Its ok not to love pregnancy. Its ok to feel frumpy and ugly and not like the changes. HOWEVER-- all of it is temporary and if you are really concerned post baby you can start working out once you are cleared to do so. I'm not sure your should think you are doomed to be ugly as a mom because you feel that way now. That is not reasonable.

    Look into therapy for your marriage and yourself. It can be a great outlet for yourself and help you tread water.


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    CecilB93oceanchildSynnovus
  • There are a few red flags in this post in terms of symptoms of depression. I'm not saying you are depressed or have depression but some of what you are saying could be the start of unhealthy feelings that need some assistance to manage. If you're feeling like you're starting not to cope then you need to talk to a doctor sooner rather than later. See if you can see a therapist and discuss strategies for when you feel those feelings and recognise situations that trigger them.

    In relation to your husband, his behaviour is understandably upsetting. PPs have mentioned talking which is very important. Perhaps you could also plan a date night and ask for his input on what you'd like to do. You may also need to tell your husband that sex is important to you to bond with him as well as bonding through talking and spending time with him etc. If he's willing to share, perhaps ask him about his concerns with parenthood as he may be feeling the same as you (eg. Not feeling connected, struggling with your experiences with pregnancy and "losing" his current life). All of which are totally normal. Some men's books on pregnancy address this. One my husband loves is "Dude, you're gonna be a dad" which seems accessible and aimed really well at men
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    FiancB
  • Definitely talk to your doctor about how you are feeling. Like PPs have said, you are describing some symptoms of depression and it is probably a good idea for you to talk to someone about them! As someone currently dealing with PPD, I promise you that these feelings are real and valid, but this too shall pass. You are strong and you can get through this. I dealt with how I was feeling for nearly 4 months before I realized how I was feeling and sought help...please don't wait that long if you are struggling.

    Second, talk to your husband. Let him know how you are feeling and how the way he treats you is making you feel. Sometimes men are completely clueless. DH became detached for a little while and showed no interest in sex or in doing anything, and when I talked to him about it, it was because he was afraid that something was going to happen to the baby if I did anything other than work, sleep, and sit on the couch. I brought him to my next OB appointment so he could hear from the doctor that things were going to be okay, and that calmed him down a lot. It's harder for the men to adjust to pregnancy; just talk to him about it! If he continues to be slightly jerkish then I would look into therapy for the both of you...sometimes having a mediator to help you both talk through your feelings can make all the difference.

    Third, be kind to yourself. You are growing a human. Like you, I was very active and fit (though not particularly thin) pre-pregnancy. I had just run (and PRed!) a half marathon before I got pregnant! I had a lot of first trimester bleeding, so I was barred from all workouts except for walking pretty early on. I felt disgusting...I lost so much muscle tone in my legs, was so incredibly bloated (I didn't show until I was almost 30 weeks), and I couldn't do anything about it! Even now, 4 months PP, I am still struggling with my body and how it looks and works. It gets easier. Yesterday I ran 2 miles with the jogging stroller (and pushing ~50 pounds of baby, carseat, and stroller while running is no joke!) and I thought I was going to die the entire time but I made it. It's another step on my way to becoming my old self again.

    You're not alone. I hated being pregnant. I was sick for months, had several complications, and was just a downright miserable hormonal mess. But it does get better, and things get easier. Hang in there, mama.
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    Bluejay3030
  • Just to echo everyone above, go speak with somebody you will feel better for just getting it out there and getting a plan as folks have said

    And just to say, though this sounds soppy, why don't you ask hubby for other affection. Again this sounds soppy but I def need more hugs now other sides of relationship may have cooled due to sexiness of vomiting!!! Doesn't have to be the fireworks to stay close -

    Look after yourself and good luck
  • I'm sorry, but if your husband is truly acting as you say he is, he sounds incredibly insensitive.  
    The best thing I can say to you is just to push through.  I know it's easier said than done, but you have yourself and a beautiful baby to think about.
    Talk kindly to your husband.  It may be an uncomfortable conversation, but it needs to be done.  If you can both understand each other, you can be more effective in your relationship.
    I know for me, personally, my sex drive has gone down the toilet, so I have to purposely make sure to make sure my husband is satisfied every now and then.  Pregnancy isn't forever.  Nor are hormones.  As they say, this too shall pass.
    And, before you know it, you'll have a baby to bond over.
    Good luck to you ....just stay strong and remember the amazing thing you're growing right now. 
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  • Start with this book: I swear it'll help you feel closer to each other than ever. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_oBQswb10E8CNK
  • It's not uncommon to have depression during pregnancy.  Could you find a new job even a temporary one until the baby is here?  Maybe talk to your husband.  You could also talk to your doctor. They are here to help.  If you were in good shape before pregnancy, it will be easy for you to get back into shape after.  
  • Get yourself feeling better and confident about your pregnancy. Then work on issues between you and hubby. My husband has made comments about how he misses going out grabbing drinks after a long day in the beginning but we've replaced those nights with other things.... I'll grab him his favorite apa beer and we make a dinner together or we go out to our favorite.... buffalo wild wings watch a game he has a few drinks i pig out (it's really his favorite place i pretend i like it since 90% of the time i choose what we eat).... Even wandering around babies r us, bed bath and beyond, and target(on a friday night) and we will buy 1 thing from each store for the nursery or baby .....
    when we do ...but it keeps us excited for baby and brings us together as a couple.
  • There are going to be weeks like this...try to do something you enjoy and foucus on the good 
  • Posting here is a great start! OF COURSE you don't want to feel these feelings.  None of us do, but it's out of our control.  All you have to do is read up on it online with names varying from the more common "baby blues" to the more clinical sounding antepartum depression to know that it's real!  Perhaps your husband wouldn't be so tired of supporting if he understood how important his role was and what you are going through.  Maybe he could read up a bit.  It wouldn't hurt for him to take you out either.  
    Also, find other support networks. Find things you can do to give your poor husband a break because even if he would like to be, he can't be your entire support system.
  • Op definitely talk to somebody about depression but this doesn't sound like chemical depression. This sounds like a kind of depression that I like to refer to as "being surrounded by assholes". Of course you're depressed, sheesh.. People are being jerks to you.

    I don't agree your husband is hard done by. He's acting as if this pregnacy is inconveniencing him when YOU'RE THE ONE WHO IS PREGNANT. My entire pregnancy was spent making sure everybody else was happy and comfortable and taking care of their moods and whims. I didn't get to justify a single mood swing because my role in most people's lives is to manage their mood swings. So I remained fairly even tempered and stoic throughout my pregnancy with the exception of a period during 2T (and the end of 1T) where I had a small bout of anxiety which everybody blamed on pregnancy but which was, in fact, caused primarlily by the demands and tantrums of people around me. Being pregnant just made it harder for me to swallow it.
    salbbm8881
  • Awe, I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. My husband and I used to hit happy hour together a lot and drink on weekends. He always tells me he misses his "drinking buddy." I let him do his thing and sometimes I will even order a non alcoholic beer when we're out so he feels like I'm partaking lol. It's a lot of change for them too- were experiencing everything and they're not really getting to experience anything but is changing. I'm terrified too- of things that can go wrong, about losing the baby, about the entire both process, about issues after having the baby but we have to remember how incredibly lucky we are to be carrying the miracle in us. It will all work itself out. Hang in there!

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