No Control (trigger warning)

paigeyferd · December 2015

FTM so I worry about everything... But today, I found out that an old classmate from high school lost her baby to SIDS on Christmas Day. Then, a mother I follow on Facebook committed suicide. Her son was born at 22 weeks and lived only a month. Her due date was around Christmas. Even though I am not close to these women, my heart is so sad. But also I am internalizing all this sadness and suffering. It feels selfish but I can't help it, I can't stop freaking out thinking about if something like that happens to me. STMs (or anyone really) how do you not totally lose it over things you have no control over? Especially when it comes to your children?

Emott13 · December 2015

Honestly I never really learned how. I worried about SIDS from the moment I found out I was pregnant until DD passed the 1 year mark (when they say the risk drops to near 0%). I constantly watch her like a hawk when she eats because I'm terrified of choking. I refuse to move more than a foot away from the tub when she's bathing because of my fear of her drowning. I don't think you ever really get over the fear, you just kind of learn to internalize it and do everything you can to prevent it.

I think we're all largely in the clear for baby making it after birth (we're all pretty far along) and following ALL of the SIDS guidelines makes the chances of it very, very slim. But mostly I think you just live with the fear. That's why when you become a mother you get grey hair and wrinkles overnight.

That being said, I think it just naturally over time becomes less debilitating fear and more just the kind of fear that makes you google to make sure sure doing things right a million times in the first year.

If it doesn't ease up a little or get better in the first few weeks or months after birth, talk to your doc. It may be that you have a bit of post partum depression that is manifesting itself as anxiety. But I'm pretty sure as soon as baby gets here you'll find you're having so much fun and are so much in awe of this little creature that your fear abates a bit.

Hipshaker · December 2015

Things that made me feel grief and sadness before I was a mother gained a whole new dimension after I became a mother. Instead of heart felt honest sympathy you feel a terrible aching empathy and understanding. The scary part is you can take precautions and follow every recommendation but, you are never actually in control. It's also what makes the gift of little ones so precious. You have to be brave to be a mother. It is not a common task. This baby will be my rainbow baby, I'm due 1/5. I did not wait after my loss to grieve, maybe I should have. This has been an emotional year. I lost my middle babe at 12wks and become pregnant on my next cycle. I prayed, a lot, then al little, then not all and back and forth. I don't know if that's your thing, but it helps me. Know that you will always have this feeling worry and heart sick from now on, to some degree or another. It's just the flip side of loving someone so much. It will a be worth it!

mamakculb · December 2015

I have complete sympathy for how you're feeling. Anxiety loves to be my best friend, and what better to be anxious about than everything you can't control. Part of it is normal FTM and pregnancy hormones. Part of it can escalate into PPD or normal depression. I was diagnosed with PPD when my DS was 13 months. I didn't know what it was for so long because it always showed itself as anxiety.

One method my therapist did teach me to cope was to have willing hands. When I would pray(or if that's not your thing, then when you think or talk about things) I would practice having my hands open and facing up. Her ideology behind it was that if I have my hands clenched so tight trying to hold onto (keep control of) everything I have, how can I possibly have my hands open to receiving other good things? Obviously this was just an exercise, but it was something that helped take the focus off of my crippling fear and refocus on enjoying life. If you're so terrified of dying in a car wreck that you never leave your house, how can you ever go anywhere? If you're so terrified of having your heart broken that you never open it up, how can you ever experience love and friendship? If you're so terrified of everything that could possibly harm your baby, how can you enjoy the time you have with them?

Try to focus on enjoying what you have instead of being fearful of losing it. When you're having trouble, talk to someone, whether husband, family, friend, therapist. Don't suffer in your anxiety alone. Best of luck Mama.

Leah6120 · December 2015

I had really come to a chill place about things like sids and then a family I know lost their 6 month old to an unknown cause. I would be lying if I said I didn't go straight out and buy a movement monitor. Whatever you have to do to feel secure and keep some grip on sanity I say do it. I lost my ability to hear sad stories like that pretty much the second I got pregnant. It's because we know that the love they felt for their babies on such a deep level. Hang in there mama and keep people close who help you stay centered.

cammiedeeann · December 2015

I have this irrational fear lately of sometning happening to my husband. He has a dangerous job and works nights, so I'm not sure if it's just his job or the fact that DD is coming so soon or what... But it drives me crazy since I'm normally one of those people who tries not to worry about the things I can't control.

Monkeybutt80 · December 2015

cammiedeeann said:
I have this irrational fear lately of sometning happening to my husband. He has a dangerous job and works nights, so I'm not sure if it's just his job or the fact that DD is coming so soon or what... But it drives me crazy since I'm normally one of those people who tries not to worry about the things I can't control.

Lurker from feb. I know exactly what you are talking about. When I had my first, I started having irrational fears about something happening to my husband, not my baby. He doesn't even have a dangerous job; corporate desk job and is not even a risk taker. But it continued and now that I'm pregnant with our second, it's getting worse. I plan to talk to someone about it after the birth of my second. I keep thinking something terrible is going to happen ( accident, health issue... Etc) and I'm going to be left alone to take care of our children. It's not even a financial worry; I make enough that even though we'd have to change our life style, we can live on it just fine. But I have this irrational fear of being left alone to be responsible for two kids.

ambercakes92 · December 2015

I can relate to your fears

occasionally I'll look on the late term loss board (because I'm an idiot) and it leaves me so fearful that I'll lose my baby for some unexpected reason. Even reading about what you posted makes me so sad and afraid! I guess I'm more sensitive since becoming pregnant, especially since my pregnancy went undetected for so long. I keep worrying that something is wrong and it just hasn't been detected...the way I help myself to feel better is just to tell myself that whatever happens is in God's hands. I'm not sure if you're religious, but it helps me immensely when I think of it in that respect.

mamakculb · December 2015

cammiedeeann said:
I have this irrational fear lately of sometning happening to my husband. He has a dangerous job and works nights, so I'm not sure if it's just his job or the fact that DD is coming so soon or what... But it drives me crazy since I'm normally one of those people who tries not to worry about the things I can't control.

This was my problem! My husband is a trucker that drives overnight and I was having panic attacks that he was gonna get in a wreck and die. The worst part about it? I would get the panic attacks when he was home safe, happy and content with me and DS. It's like the happy moment would make me realize what I could lose and it totally robbed me of enjoying those moments with him. This is what made me seek out a therapist to get help with coping with my anxiety.

I cannot praise my therapist enough for helping me deal with these issues. I can't say they're gone for good, but I do know what triggers them and how to cope and it doesn't cripple my enjoyment of life anymore.

Chansmommy · December 2015

I can agree 100% with what you are feeling. A woman on my fb just lost her 2 year old daughter in December 26th due to bacterial meningitis.. She took her to the ER days before with a fever she couldn't get down and they sent her home .. I could just never imagine my baby being sick or something else that I couldn't fix. After my son was born I had a serious case of PPD, but it showed itself through anxiety. I already battle with anxiety, but I knew it was 10x worse. I refused to take anything for it... Looking back maybe I should have, but honestly it made me so much more cautious about everything. My husband says it drives him crazy because I let it drive me crazy sometimes, but then again I wouldn't be the cautious person thinking every single situation through.. People say you can't control anything and I agree 110% but I can choose to not leave my baby in the tub alone, or to take a few extra minutes slicing the grapes very small to avoid choking .. My son is now 4. When he was born I did not sleep for more than 2-4 hours a night. I constantly woke up to check on him every 20 minutes, especially during the first year. It became a way of life and I coped with it in my own way. I wouldn't leave him alone with anyone except his dad and my mom. Like I said, he is 4 now .. I'm still the same way. I sleep a little more but I still get up and check on him at least twice during the night. I check to make sure the house is locked up every time I check on him. I know I sound crazy, but it seriously is just a way of life now. I know I have anxiety and probably do more than I should sometimes.. but the moment I became a mom my life changed. I had anxiety before I ever had him but I was a party girl and very careless .. Now I'm the exact opposite thanks to one little boy. My husband is afraid that I will be extreme again after my daughter & I might be .. but I'm okay with it. My husband is pretty much the exact opposite of me. He cares, but not like I do. He will put my son in the tub and go grab a towel instead of already taking a towel in there. He would put him to bed buddled up in blankets when he was very small and I'd let him do it then sneak in the room right after him and take the blankets out of his bed .. I never made him feel like he wasn't doing a good job just because I'm more cautious and do everything different. You will learn to deal with your anxiety if you still have t when the baby is born. You can choose to talk to someone or figure it out on your own as long as you are dealing with it and know it's there. I only refused to be medicated because i was always in medication before I was ever pregnant the first time and tried different kinds m, but never liked how they made me feel. Instead I switched to smoking and drinking & thinking that would help me .. And for a while I really thought I was okay.. Until I got pregnant with my son at 19 & now my world is different, but in the best possible way. Mind over matter. If all you're doing is worrying about your baby .. That is normal (in my opinion).. Being a mom is the scariest, yet most rewarding job in the entire world. You have to do what you can the rest of your life to provide, support, love, & cherish this baby... Good luck to you !!!

ChrissyD1203 · December 2015

@Chansmommy I think/act (ie check on things) similar to how you do. I was diagnosed with OCD and my behaviors were OCD compulsions. At first, I just lived with them, but slowly over time they began to eat away at my life and I didn't even realize what I was missing out on. I ended up doing behavioral therapy specifically for OCD and it helped me so much - and I didn't even realize how much I needed it. I still do some things but know it will only get worse when baby gets here so I re-enrolled in therapy last month to help prevent me from sliding back down that slope. I can tell from your post that you are obviously an amazing parent - but reading it made me think of myself and how much of life I was missing out on (and didn't realize), by worrying and checking all the time ---- and how much my behavior upset my husband (even when he didn't say it), so I just wanted to say that you don't need to be okay with your extreme anxiety and accept it, because there are ways to lessen it.

Chansmommy · December 2015

@ChrissyD1203 I agree completely ... but I am honestly so okay with it. I'm still very cautious about everything I do or say and I know it's because I worry about the effect it will have on my son .. but I don't feel like I am missing out on things. My husband and I have been together for 7 years now, just recently married this past May, but he knows me.. & I know him, & when it bothers him most is when it's in front of people... but it's how I've always been. I've talked to therapist and have tried medication, but I like me better when I'm able to just be myself & I'm lucky enough to have a husband that accepts me & even when my paranoia is bothering him he says "it's just who she is" & at the end of the day he still loves me and knows I only mean well. He has seen me on medication & it does change me. I gain weight or lose weight, I become quiet (which is not like me at all), I become distant, I become sad or angry ... Same thing when I'm on birth control .. I've tried numerous medications and they just all make me different & my husband and I both hate it.. He usually points it out then I try something new. So I decided after my son to try therapy and it helped some I guess, but not enough. The therapist wasn't telling me anything I didn't know about myself. She was giving me ways to cope with certain situations but after almos a year I was still doing the same things even if I had a different outlook... So I eventually came to just accept it & I have honestly never been happier. My husband says the same thing. We are both just happier and him seeing me happy and "my normal" makes him happy. it's definitely not the choice for everyone, but I found peace with my anxiety, if that even makes sense.. I'm okay with worrying and maybe missing out on things. My husband is crazy and we kind of even each other out. He does things with our son that scare the crap out of me, but I let him because for one they are boys and boys are crazy.. But he loves him like I do and would never put him in harms way .. when they start wrestling or jumping in the deep end of the pool or racing on their skateboards down the street, I lose my breath a little bit .. I feel my heart go into my stomach .. But I can't always be there and keep him in a bubble and I know that .. He's a kid and I have to let him live .. this is where I just live with the anxiety because after a minute when he comes back to me and is in one piece and smiling the anxiety is gone.. It's just how I've learned to manage it myself and I'm hoping when the baby gets here I'm not as extreme as I was when he was first born since I know what to expect .. But every pregnancy is different, every baby is different .. & all I can do is pray on it until she gets here and I see how I am feeling

Kellycrazymomma · December 2015

I'm not sure why I don't worry more about something happening to our kids... Maybe because SS (now 15 healthy, and bigger than his dad) has already barely survived cancer 10 years ago, and DS is now huge and healthy after hubby nearly lost us both in delivery at 34 weeks, and he had apnea, etc. It's like I feel that they already won their battles. Maybe I'm just hardened by the stories lately of don't let them sleep in a car seat, etc. Really? Am I going to never leave my house again, because the first thing he'll do when I start that car is sleep. I do my best to be sure everything that is within my control, is done to keep them safe, but maybe because I've already lived through what was beyond my ability to change, I don't let it linger, and try not to let it get to me when they eat a little dirt, or bonk their head learning to walk.

cammiedeeann · December 2015

@Monkeybutt80 I totally understand! It's not a financial worry here either, as I'm the primary earner in the house... He's just seriously the most amazing person I've ever known, so the thought of raising kids without him here to help me or influence their lives just reduces me to an irrational pile of hormonal emotion. Lol.

I'm hoping it subsides after delivery (darn hormones), but if it doesn't, I may see a therapist or something.

PedsIsHardcore · December 2015

I do want to throw some info in here. A lot of cases assumed to be SIDS have been SMA. Spinal Muscular Atrophy. I take care of kiddos with it. I have taken care for a few with type 1. They don't usually live to see the age of 2 years old. A lot of past cases that were thought to be SIDS were actually SMA. It's a very progressive disease and I just want people to know. These are kiddos that need to be on vents and they have multiple issues. I'm high risk so I see a MFM and I was tested because SMA is usually genetic. So it's something worth discussing with your OB if you are worried about SIDS.
I'm a pediatric nurse and I worry about it. I worry about little stupid things, which is why I see a therapist weekly. I have OCD so I tend to micromanage, but I can't always do that. It's super hard to give up anything even when you know you have no control, but you think you should.

cammiedeeann · December 2015

@PedsIsHardcore are there any obvious symptoms to watch for? Normally I would google the heck out of this on my own, but that will inevitably lead to my neurotic worrying (coupled with a flood of hormones) over the next few weeks so I should probably hold off on that. Ha!

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