TTC after 35

Another newbie intro

Hello, I just turned 40 and was just married last year - we've been together for 6 years at this point.  We decided to TTC just before we got married last fall.  Well, I had some back issues and the treatments required me not to be pregnant, so there have been several months in our year or so of trying when we didn't try.  In addition to that, you can count out the week of ovulation that my husband had the flu, then at some point had a bad cold, etc., you get the point.  So I could probably count on one hand as to how many months were legit months of trying.  Plus, what I'm facing now is the fact that my husband seems to want to try less and less, yet talks about our future with a kid/kids as if it's a guarantee.  I've tried to tell him in the beginning we need to do it a few times every other day during my prime week of ovulation.  I took my BBT for several months in a row and have a good idea of when I ovulate.  I tried to use the ovulation tests but they test positive any and every time during the month that I try them, so they are of no help to me.  I'm getting resentful of my husband not wanting to have sex.  We've never been a sexual couple, so going for a while without sex is not out of the realm of possibility.  I get angry when I know it's my week to ovulate, and sometimes don't want to tell him it's our week to try, because many times he has not acted upon it.  I'm tired of initiating, I'm tired of caring to be honest.  I've already started preparing myself for not having a child and I know I will be ok.  My husband does not focus on that so much and just thinks it's going to happen.  We've had our arguments about me being negative about it, but at this point, his non-action is all I see.  I don't want to become a nag.  I don't want to be the one who has to do everything, initiate everything.  I'm at a point where I just want to either decide to not have a kid so I can do some other things I want to do career-wise...my plan B if I don't become a mother.  I have not been to the OBGYN about this.  I have talked to my PCP a few times and she's advised me on tips of getting pregnant and prescribed me prenatal vitamins.  I invited my husband to attend an OBGYN appointment with me and he said he would, but I have yet to make the appointment.  I thought that if he hears it from someone else that you have to have sex more than once a month, or more than once every few months, maybe it would actually get through!
Me: 41
Husband: 40
TTC#1 since 9/2014
Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally

Re: Another newbie intro

  • Welcome! I'm so sorry you are going through this rough patch with your DH. Hopefully he can get on the same page as you so your efforts have a better chance at succeeding. In regards to your mention of getting positives with the OPKs all month.... This sounds suspicious to me in the sense that if you are having and extended LH surge  you may want to consult your doctor. I'm not sure how it effects ovulation but Id get a Dr's opinion on it for sure so you can be informed. Good Luck!
  • lickasticklickastick member
    edited December 2015
    Welcome! Thats a very tough spot to be in, you must be frustrated! Have you ever had a heart to heart with him about how you are feeling. A lot of times heated topics like can turn rather quickly to arguments :/ I had to learn how to communicate with my DH without blaming him, not an easy thing to do! I learned how to use "I" statements and get very clear on my emotions and my side of the issue so I know what I am actually upset about. ha! It was very hard for me, but life is so much better when we are on the same page. Good luck and I hope it gets easier for you,
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  • Thank you ladies for the warm welcome.  As far as the positives for the LH - I did read up that as you get closer to menopause your LH goes up, so I am assuming that is the case for me...not that I'm that close to menopause - my periods are like clockwork - but I am 40 so I am getting closer.  I know that's not the only way to go by judging these things, but I honestly forgot to mention the issue with the ovulation tests the last time I saw my PCP for her input, as she is the person who recommended using them.  I need to get to the doctor and discuss where we are at and bring my husband.  I'm hoping this could help open up the conversation.  I've just had some anger and was putting it off.  

    And yes, you are right about the communication.  He knows I have a problem coming to him to discuss issues mainly because he has a lot of moments where he says it's not the right time for him to talk about things...could be any topic...and it bothers me, because it happens a lot, even when he's just sitting there watching TV.  The only time he's more willing to talk is when it just comes up on it's own.  He said to me during a conflict that he was hurt that I don't come to him to talk about things because he is such an open and caring person (agreed) but that I need to respect that he just might not be in the right frame of mind and that's why he says it's the wrong time to talk about serious things, but to me it's rejection.  I've never told someone "honey, it's not the right time for me to talk" when they come to me about a problem or a feeling.  I've always been open and available to my partners to listen.  


    Me: 41
    Husband: 40
    TTC#1 since 9/2014
    Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
  • Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear that your husband isn't stepping up to the plate.

    Have you thought about getting checked out by a RE instead of an ob-gyn?  Ob/gyns can only do so much, and they aren't actually experts in fertility.  REs are where it's at.  If you go to a RE, you can get a really clear idea about what tools you have-- ovarian reserve, the status of your tubes, etc.  You can also find out how strong his swimmers are.

    I bring this up because first, there's a possibility that your strongest chances of getting pregnant don't even involve sex.  Hopefully, that's not the case, but it's important to know.  Second, maybe what he needs is a wake-up call-- if the prospect of expensive and difficult fertility treatments is looming, then maybe he'll step up!  Maybe if you just have a plan, like 6 months of focused, intentional DIY fertility work at home, and then start fertility treatments, maybe that will get him in the game.  Even if he doesn't have a strong sex drive, it's still more pleasant at home than jerking off into a cup in that awkward room at the doctor's office. 

    And I don't mean to push you to go to a RE just because of age.  There are a lot of fully fertile women in their early 40s who are needlessly discouraged by some misinformation about loss of fertility after 35.  I'm just suggesting it to make this more *real* to him. 
    Me- 39 (turning 40 in April), TTC for the first time ever (since Jan 2015), low ovarian reserve
    Married 3/14/14 to my wonderful wife, but her sperm count is rather low
    TTC with frozen donor sperm and science

    7 IUIs, 7 BFNs.
    2 IVF attempts, both cancelled and converted to IUI, both BFNs.
    Decided that my tired old ovaries are ready to retire.
    Next step- reciprocal IVF, using my wife's eggs, my uterus!  
    fresh 5 day transfer (2 embryos) 4/17/17- BFP! 
    Identical twins "due" 1/2/17 (but anticipated arrival sometime December)

  • jennh75bjennh75b member
    edited December 2015
    Thanks for your suggestion and I accept any and all suggestions!  Since I'm new here and just catching on, what is an RE?  A fertility specialist?  I'm guessing maybe insurances do not traditionally pay for these?  

    To me, since our attempts have not been often or to me "sufficient", I feel like going to a fertility specialist is premature (also because I suspect I'd have to pay out of pocket for such a doctor).  If I thought we had enough true, whole-hearted attempts with multiple times per ovulation window, I would say, hey, something is not working, let's check into it.  I envision a doctor asking us what are our attempts consist of, and them laughing at our poor attempts.  That's why I figured I would go to the OB so they can at least clue my husband in that we do need to have sex more than once a month on a consistent, monthly basis.  I've tried searching the internet for articles written for a male audience about TTC so my husband could read for himself (can't find one)...he just doesn't seem to buy that we need to try several times within the window...and not only that, but he should be "practicing" in between those monthly windows to ensure "fresh" sperm.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not going to pay out-of-pocket to see a specialist so they can tell us we are not having sex enough.  I figured let the insurance pay for that visit with my OB.  If they say there are more concerns than that to consider, then a fertility specialist could be the next step.

    I never envisioned this process being such an absolute stressor and pain to me...it is almost unenjoyable at this point.  Can anyone else relate to that statement?  I know it sounds harsh, and yes I know the reward of a child would be the payoff, but it also is sucking the life out of me and driving a mental wedge between myself and my husband.  
    Me: 41
    Husband: 40
    TTC#1 since 9/2014
    Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
  • While I'm not in your shoes exactly, I can understand the stressful and unenjoyable nature of TTC.

    My wife and I do not have the goods to TTC at home, so inviting a fertility specialist and his practice into what - for a lot of people, is private and natural - is our reality. The financial stress and unconventional way that my wife and I are trying to have a family certainly takes the fun out of it.

    As for communication with your husband, is this the first time you've experienced difficulty being on the same page with each other? Or, do you often find yourself in this pattern of communication on important marital issues? I'm asking because once you've had your beautiful baby, there will be a nonstop need for important discussion about all things related to raising a child.

    I wish you all the best luck in quickly and easily getting pregnant once he realizes he needs to be a more active participant in this journey with you!
  • I'm late to the game, but wanted to say welcome. And I think you're already seeing what a great and supportive board this is. I'm so sorry you and your DH aren't on the same page about what it takes to TTC. I think that is really hard. I've been there with my DH on occasion, but I have found that the more he knows, the more willing he is. Also, we sometimes have the "now isn't a good time" thing happen too when it comes to talking. One place I have found is almost always good for conversations is on car rides somewhere. As long as the traffic isn't crazy, a good stretch on open highway can be a great place to get a good talk in. :)
  • Well, I'm glad you understand on some level about the not so enjoyable aspect of this journey and I'm sorry that yours has to be so challenging from the start and thank you for your well wishes.  It must be very difficult to have this private thing be so "public"/intrusive.  I wish you the same success!

    The communication - other than me not approaching him/him not being in the mood to discuss things - is actually decent and we rarely conflict on where we stand on important decisions.  We bought a house together this year, got a puppy together, and we've been on the same page throughout, even if having little disagreements.  Nothing has ever lingered this much after discussing the issue.  After our last serious conversation about TTC, my age, etc. I thought we were on the same page, but after a few months of again no action on his part, it has me wondering if he is really that delusional about what it will take to conceive, or maybe there is something deeper, like maybe he's not as serious as I thought he was about having a child.  I am more hesitant at this point to have a child than he is, so it's definitely not a matter of me wanting it more than him - it's never been that way, actually.  He seems nonchalant that he is having a child, talks about his future child/children, talks about plans for them, etc.  So something isn't quite making sense.  

    My plan is to have a nice, light-hearted, relaxing holiday and then have a serious discussion about it again.  I don't plan on TTC indefinitely due to me being 40, so some serious plan needs to take shape about expectations going forward.  
    Me: 41
    Husband: 40
    TTC#1 since 9/2014
    Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
  • @Sporty1216 - Thanks!  And yes, definitely car rides!  I guess it's something about being a captive audience?
    Me: 41
    Husband: 40
    TTC#1 since 9/2014
    Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
  • Captive audience--and being parallel to one another. We went to a marriage class one time that talked about how--for some reason--many men are more comfortable opening up without eye contact. I don't get it, but it seems to be true. At least for some men.
  • Thanks for the tip @Sporty1216, next time I'll just blindfold him and force him to talk.  :smile: 
    Me: 41
    Husband: 40
    TTC#1 since 9/2014
    Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
  • Welcome! I am sorry you and your h are struggling with getting on the same page. Hope your post holiday talk goes well.
    Me (42) w/ partner for 16+ years
    TTC #1: 11/2012 - 9/2013; 6/2014 - present
    Follistim + TI (3x): All BFNs
    Follistim + IUI (1x): BFN 
    IVF #1: 17 retrieved,15 fertilized, Day 3: 15, Day 5/6: 3 biopsied
    Result; 1 frozen blast (inconclusive PGS results)
    IVF #2; ER: 6/22 16 retrieved, 6/25: 5 transferred (CP), 2 frozen
    FET 9/17: BFN
    Current FET -- Transferred 2 day-3 embryos - BFN

  • Car rides are ideal times for conversation - no escape! :wink:
  • Welcome and congrats on getting married! I'm sorry to hear that your having issues with what's supposed to be the fun part of TTC. I can sympathize with your irritation at being the one who has to initiate and then getting push back from your DH. I would like to echo what others have said about sitting down with your husband and telling him how you feel. The "I" statements are a great idea! TTC is a big deal, it's ok to have strong feelings about it (maybe your DH is having some and not able talk about his feelings?). I'm always surprised at how little men know about the female reproductive cycle....maybe he just needs some info about it so he knows it's not as easy to get pregnant as some people think :)

    Either way welcome to this board! It really is a great and supportive place.
    Me: 39 SO: 36

    Dx: low progesterone, possible DOR - officially "unexplained"

    TTC#1 since November 2015
    9/16/2016 IUI#1 - BFN
    10/12/2016 IUI#2 - BFN
    1/21/2017 Clomid/IUI#3 - BFN
    March 2017 IVF: BFP! (beta#1 191, beta#2 378!) - it's a boy! DS born 12/6/2017

    TTC #2 since July 2018
    May 2019 IVF #2: BFP! (beta#1 346, beta#2 646) - vanishing twin at 8 weeks. Baby B still going strong - due 2/8/20!
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • jennh75bjennh75b member
    edited December 2015
    Thank you!  I appreciate the welcome and already the support I get from just reading others' experiences and fellow BSC behaviors has helped ease my mind.  

    The other day I told DH how I wasn't feeling well and let it slip that I hoped it was pregnancy and he said we'll see.  Right after that he was saying (in the car @Sporty1216....lol) that we should have a "f**k fest" soon/next time.  I told him I was going to hold him to it (but didn't feel it was the right time to get into a serious convo about it, as he was being lighthearted and I didn't want to knock him down).    He's said this before, and his proposed "f" fest has consisted of doing it one time.  This is why I'm still so clueless as to why he's not actually doing what he says.  I do think he is out of shape which is partly to explain why he has no energy to follow through.  He claims he's going to the gym in the new year...we joined two months ago and neither of us has gone once.  Sad but true.  
    AF is easing her way in today, so I guess that's the real reason I wasn't feeling well. Cue the Debbie Downer Wah wah wah music.
    Me: 41
    Husband: 40
    TTC#1 since 9/2014
    Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
  • Sorry about AF it sucks each and every time!
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