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TTC after 35
jennh75b
member
Another newbie intro
jennh75b
member
in TTC after 35
Hello, I just turned 40 and was just married last year - we've been together for 6 years at this point. We decided to TTC just before we got married last fall. Well, I had some back issues and the treatments required me not to be pregnant, so there have been several months in our year or so of trying when we didn't try. In addition to that, you can count out the week of ovulation that my husband had the flu, then at some point had a bad cold, etc., you get the point. So I could probably count on one hand as to how many months were legit months of trying. Plus, what I'm facing now is the fact that my husband seems to want to try less and less, yet talks about our future with a kid/kids as if it's a guarantee. I've tried to tell him in the beginning we need to do it a few times every other day during my prime week of ovulation. I took my BBT for several months in a row and have a good idea of when I ovulate. I tried to use the ovulation tests but they test positive any and every time during the month that I try them, so they are of no help to me. I'm getting resentful of my husband not wanting to have sex. We've never been a sexual couple, so going for a while without sex is not out of the realm of possibility. I get angry when I know it's my week to ovulate, and sometimes don't want to tell him it's our week to try, because many times he has not acted upon it. I'm tired of initiating, I'm tired of caring to be honest. I've already started preparing myself for not having a child and I know I will be ok. My husband does not focus on that so much and just thinks it's going to happen. We've had our arguments about me being negative about it, but at this point, his non-action is all I see. I don't want to become a nag. I don't want to be the one who has to do everything, initiate everything. I'm at a point where I just want to either decide to not have a kid so I can do some other things I want to do career-wise...my plan B if I don't become a mother. I have not been to the OBGYN about this. I have talked to my PCP a few times and she's advised me on tips of getting pregnant and prescribed me prenatal vitamins. I invited my husband to attend an OBGYN appointment with me and he said he would, but I have yet to make the appointment. I thought that if he hears it from someone else that you have to have sex more than once a month, or more than once every few months, maybe it would actually get through!
Me: 41
Husband: 40
TTC#1 since 9/2014
Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
Husband: 40
TTC#1 since 9/2014
Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
Re: Another newbie intro
And yes, you are right about the communication. He knows I have a problem coming to him to discuss issues mainly because he has a lot of moments where he says it's not the right time for him to talk about things...could be any topic...and it bothers me, because it happens a lot, even when he's just sitting there watching TV. The only time he's more willing to talk is when it just comes up on it's own. He said to me during a conflict that he was hurt that I don't come to him to talk about things because he is such an open and caring person (agreed) but that I need to respect that he just might not be in the right frame of mind and that's why he says it's the wrong time to talk about serious things, but to me it's rejection. I've never told someone "honey, it's not the right time for me to talk" when they come to me about a problem or a feeling. I've always been open and available to my partners to listen.
Husband: 40
TTC#1 since 9/2014
Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
Have you thought about getting checked out by a RE instead of an ob-gyn? Ob/gyns can only do so much, and they aren't actually experts in fertility. REs are where it's at. If you go to a RE, you can get a really clear idea about what tools you have-- ovarian reserve, the status of your tubes, etc. You can also find out how strong his swimmers are.
I bring this up because first, there's a possibility that your strongest chances of getting pregnant don't even involve sex. Hopefully, that's not the case, but it's important to know. Second, maybe what he needs is a wake-up call-- if the prospect of expensive and difficult fertility treatments is looming, then maybe he'll step up! Maybe if you just have a plan, like 6 months of focused, intentional DIY fertility work at home, and then start fertility treatments, maybe that will get him in the game. Even if he doesn't have a strong sex drive, it's still more pleasant at home than jerking off into a cup in that awkward room at the doctor's office.
And I don't mean to push you to go to a RE just because of age. There are a lot of fully fertile women in their early 40s who are needlessly discouraged by some misinformation about loss of fertility after 35. I'm just suggesting it to make this more *real* to him.
7 IUIs, 7 BFNs.
2 IVF attempts, both cancelled and converted to IUI, both BFNs.
Decided that my tired old ovaries are ready to retire.
Next step- reciprocal IVF, using my wife's eggs, my uterus!
fresh 5 day transfer (2 embryos) 4/17/17- BFP!
Identical twins "due" 1/2/17 (but anticipated arrival sometime December)
To me, since our attempts have not been often or to me "sufficient", I feel like going to a fertility specialist is premature (also because I suspect I'd have to pay out of pocket for such a doctor). If I thought we had enough true, whole-hearted attempts with multiple times per ovulation window, I would say, hey, something is not working, let's check into it. I envision a doctor asking us what are our attempts consist of, and them laughing at our poor attempts. That's why I figured I would go to the OB so they can at least clue my husband in that we do need to have sex more than once a month on a consistent, monthly basis. I've tried searching the internet for articles written for a male audience about TTC so my husband could read for himself (can't find one)...he just doesn't seem to buy that we need to try several times within the window...and not only that, but he should be "practicing" in between those monthly windows to ensure "fresh" sperm.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not going to pay out-of-pocket to see a specialist so they can tell us we are not having sex enough. I figured let the insurance pay for that visit with my OB. If they say there are more concerns than that to consider, then a fertility specialist could be the next step.
I never envisioned this process being such an absolute stressor and pain to me...it is almost unenjoyable at this point. Can anyone else relate to that statement? I know it sounds harsh, and yes I know the reward of a child would be the payoff, but it also is sucking the life out of me and driving a mental wedge between myself and my husband.
Husband: 40
TTC#1 since 9/2014
Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
My wife and I do not have the goods to TTC at home, so inviting a fertility specialist and his practice into what - for a lot of people, is private and natural - is our reality. The financial stress and unconventional way that my wife and I are trying to have a family certainly takes the fun out of it.
As for communication with your husband, is this the first time you've experienced difficulty being on the same page with each other? Or, do you often find yourself in this pattern of communication on important marital issues? I'm asking because once you've had your beautiful baby, there will be a nonstop need for important discussion about all things related to raising a child.
I wish you all the best luck in quickly and easily getting pregnant once he realizes he needs to be a more active participant in this journey with you!
The communication - other than me not approaching him/him not being in the mood to discuss things - is actually decent and we rarely conflict on where we stand on important decisions. We bought a house together this year, got a puppy together, and we've been on the same page throughout, even if having little disagreements. Nothing has ever lingered this much after discussing the issue. After our last serious conversation about TTC, my age, etc. I thought we were on the same page, but after a few months of again no action on his part, it has me wondering if he is really that delusional about what it will take to conceive, or maybe there is something deeper, like maybe he's not as serious as I thought he was about having a child. I am more hesitant at this point to have a child than he is, so it's definitely not a matter of me wanting it more than him - it's never been that way, actually. He seems nonchalant that he is having a child, talks about his future child/children, talks about plans for them, etc. So something isn't quite making sense.
My plan is to have a nice, light-hearted, relaxing holiday and then have a serious discussion about it again. I don't plan on TTC indefinitely due to me being 40, so some serious plan needs to take shape about expectations going forward.
Husband: 40
TTC#1 since 9/2014
Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
Husband: 40
TTC#1 since 9/2014
Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
Husband: 40
TTC#1 since 9/2014
Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
Either way welcome to this board! It really is a great and supportive place.
TTC#1 since November 2015
9/16/2016 IUI#1 - BFN
10/12/2016 IUI#2 - BFN
1/21/2017 Clomid/IUI#3 - BFN
March 2017 IVF: BFP! (beta#1 191, beta#2 378!) - it's a boy! DS born 12/6/2017
TTC #2 since July 2018
May 2019 IVF #2: BFP! (beta#1 346, beta#2 646) - vanishing twin at 8 weeks. Baby B still going strong - due 2/8/20!
The other day I told DH how I wasn't feeling well and let it slip that I hoped it was pregnancy and he said we'll see. Right after that he was saying (in the car @Sporty1216....lol) that we should have a "f**k fest" soon/next time. I told him I was going to hold him to it (but didn't feel it was the right time to get into a serious convo about it, as he was being lighthearted and I didn't want to knock him down). He's said this before, and his proposed "f" fest has consisted of doing it one time. This is why I'm still so clueless as to why he's not actually doing what he says. I do think he is out of shape which is partly to explain why he has no energy to follow through. He claims he's going to the gym in the new year...we joined two months ago and neither of us has gone once. Sad but true.
AF is easing her way in today, so I guess that's the real reason I wasn't feeling well. Cue the Debbie Downer Wah wah wah music.
Husband: 40
TTC#1 since 9/2014
Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally