Am I a bad mom? — The Bump
Babies: 0 - 3 Months

Am I a bad mom?

My husbands mom and sister have kept my 4 month old overnight once before. They want to again. am I a bad mom for letting her spend the night away from me so young? She is bottle fed, and she did a really good job the first time. I cried a lot, but I am so exhausted I can barely see straight. I have no help at home from my husband. He was raised in a family where the men do not help with babies at all.. It is really stressful for me and I feel bad for needing a break. I love my baby so much, but it is really taking its toll on me.

Re: Am I a bad mom?

  • ^^^what she said.
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  • Also, my FIL changed one diaper. Ever. (4 kids). My husband is a totally hands-on dad. Sit down with him and explain what you need and why it's not ok for him not to help.
    Bigboobsmcgeetracij12Synnovus
  • tracij12 said:
    As long as LO is in the care of someone who loves them, I don't think you are a bad mom! It's not like you've left the baby with someone else more than you've had her. Definitely don't beat yourself up! As for your husband, that is just sad. I certainly hope that is something that was discussed before you made the decision to have a baby. I know plenty of men who "came from" that type of family that are very active/hands on Dads. I can't even imagine my husband telling me he isn't going to help, but I guess every family is different.
    This. I would laugh at my husband if he said this to me, and then I'd hand him the baby and say "please change this diaper".

     

    millereliz13SynnovusgroovylocksCecilB93
  • She wasn't planned. But not a mistake. We are young too. I am just 20 years old. He works so he says that is enough and right now I am staying at home with her and taking care of the house. I don't mind. But he is like a child too obviously. It doesnt help that when we do talk about it BC he says his job exhausts him and he doesn't see how I am so exhausted. It sucks. I love him to death, but its hard when he doesn't see why I am so tired.
  • Thank you! You all have made me feel a lot better.
    BigboobsmcgeeSquirtgun
  • When we got the call to take our current foster child we had just lost a baby to a relative and were grieving. I couldn't say no but needed DH approval. He said he wasn't going to help but it was up to me. He fell in love with baby before I did. ;) (I wouldn't have said yes if I thought he wasn't really going to help)

    You're an AWESOME mom. Ours have done overnights earlier than 4 mos!
  • She wasn't planned. But not a mistake. We are young too. I am just 20 years old. He works so he says that is enough and right now I am staying at home with her and taking care of the house. I don't mind. But he is like a child too obviously. It doesnt help that when we do talk about it BC he says his job exhausts him and he doesn't see how I am so exhausted. It sucks. I love him to death, but its hard when he doesn't see why I am so tired.

    You need to set expectations that you need help too. I'm a stay at home mom too, bUT my husband comes home after his day where he works a very stressful job and helps. That is no excuse not to help. If my husband said he was raised to not help, I'd laugh and explain that if he wants to have a say in anything, he'd help.

    And my little guy spent the night with my parents at 7 weeks and will be again here at 14 weeks. You are a good mom.
    tracij12SynnovusCecilB93
  • She wasn't planned. But not a mistake. We are young too. I am just 20 years old. He works so he says that is enough and right now I am staying at home with her and taking care of the house. I don't mind. But he is like a child too obviously. It doesnt help that when we do talk about it BC he says his job exhausts him and he doesn't see how I am so exhausted. It sucks. I love him to death, but its hard when he doesn't see why I am so tired.


    I don't feel bad for him one bit. Being a SAHM is a full time job and it's really freaking hard. I work out of the house full time and so does my husband but neither of us have the option to do NOTHING when we get home from work because we are tired.

    He needs to grow up and you need to make sure he does! Unfortunately you are raising 2 kids.

     

    millereliz13Synnovusgroovylocks
  • Certainly not a bad mom! I have to travel for work 12 weeks after my due date, so, I'll be leaving my LO without me much sooner than 4 months 
    ~~Signature Trigger Warning~~

    Me: 32; Him: 36
    Married: Oct 20, 2013
    BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
    EDD 1: May 12, 2016
    DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
    An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)

    BFP 2: October 07, 2019
    EDD 2: June 20, 2020


  • Maybe you should take a night he is off and leave the baby with him and go sleep at you MIL or sisters house instead of the other way around.
    Then he may wake up to how much you really do for your family.
    I can imagine going through all of this so young is taxing on the both of you and your relationship, you should take a night to ask him if he has any fears/anxieties that are keeping him from being a good dad.
    Don't get me wrong I completely agree with pp in laughing if their husbands said that but their husbands may be able to handle that more than a younger man would. Laughter and hostility may breed more distance, and it sounds like you need all the support you can get right now!
  • My husband helps me a little bit, and I completely understand wanting a break!  I want one so badly.  You need to take care of yourself, too. 
  • My mom was visiting and took DD overnight in her room at 2.5 weeks. I still had to get up and pump every 2-3 hrs, but it was nice not listening for cries for one night.
    groovylocks
  • amm0512 said:

    My mom was visiting and took DD overnight in her room at 2.5 weeks. I still had to get up and pump every 2-3 hrs, but it was nice not listening for cries for one night.

    This, my mother took baby overnight in her room at 10 days. I also had to get up to pump but I got a lot more sleep and felt great after.
  • No way! My friend leaves her almost 4 month old with her in laws for the weekend. You're leaving her with people who are begging for her! They like new people too. I take care of my daughter, too, my husband doesn't do much and I can tell that she gets a little tired of me sometimes. It'll be good for her and your in laws will really appreciate it.
  • No way in hell are you a bad mom! I live with my parents right now but once when I hadn't
    Slept more than an hour in three days my mom took LO in her room
    For the night so I could sleep, it helped and honestly I was a better mom after that than I was before I got the sleep. She's offered to do it again I just haven't needed it. Take the sleep you'll feel better if you get some.
  • So your husband works for like 8 hours a day and you are taking care of a child and home 24/7. Talk to his mother, she should explain things to him and he may listen more. If nothing changes - ask his mother for more help.
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