So we are going to the funeral tomorrow. We called PIL to give them a heads up. They told us "no, we don't want you there." We are going to go anyways. I guess we have to practice the saying "this is not the time nor place for this" if anything is said to us. Otherwise we are going to give our respects and leave.
Say a prayer for me
Praying for you and your family. Keep your cool. Hopefully they allow you guys to grieve and they stick to grieving on their own.
@PinkLady2015@Lindsayleigh1989@TattoosandLace I'm starting to get cold feet. Part of me wants to stay home as to not upset the older family members, if we go that will only cause up roar with my MIL and she will make everybody's life more meserable. My DH and I want to go so we can grieve, we never got to say goodbye. Even if I get there an hour early and say our goodbyes MIL will most likely be there. MIL is punishing us for calling her out on her narcissistic manipulating ways, and telling her we are no longer tolerating it by putting her on timeout over a year ago. I don't know what to do anymore. I need advice
@Y0urm0m I agree with @jlgriff11 you don't want to look back and wished you had gone. You could go early or honestly just ignore them you don't even need to talk to them. Your issues with the in laws is not an issue DH had with great grandfather and he has every right to be there. You told them they have time to process and if they want to be vindictive that reflects poorly on them. Just don't engage ignore ignore ignore and go and grieve and make peace.
My Monday complaint is so minimal but I need to complain. I just want to feel like a human again. I had glimpses over the weekend as seen by my sass I had some energy and wit. But this barely can keep food down if I'm lucky constant headache makes it so hard to function. I just want to lay and cry all day long but I'm trying to push through sessions and paperwork and it's so freaking hard! I feel like garbage... Starving but no appetite nothing sounds good and lately when I do eat or feel hungry 10-20 minutes later it's gone.. Unisom knocks me out so I can only take it in the evenings.
@Y0urm0m I'm sorry you are in such a shitty situation. I agree with PP that you should go. It's unfortunate that your MIL is the way she is and will cause drama, but your DH and you have every right to be there and no one should try to take that away. Maybe everyone seeing you be the better person will make the family see the MIL for who she really is. Sending positive thoughts your way.
@Y0urm0m I am going to take a different point of view. I think you guys should probably wait until after the funeral and then go to the grave and say your goodbyes privately. Of course, you have to do what is right for you, but I'm sure that the last thing that he (great grandpa) would want would be for a fight to occur during his funeral. I'm not saying that's a fair position for you guys to be in, but in the end of the day, the funeral is about remembering and honoring him. Having a strong potentiality for an argument would detract from that and would be a shame.
Of course, you guys need to make the decision about what is right for you. I can't tell you what to do. Just wanted to offer a different viewpoint. And I am extremely sorry for your loss.
1. My school gave me an incomplete bc MS, got an email today saying they are dropping me next semester. I've already gone through weeks of administrative hell to get myself (legally) excused due to MS, and now I'm peeved they sent me this stupid email at 10pm the week of Xmas! I have a plan with my instructors to finish via email by the time next semester starts (or when the nausea/puke fest goes away) so I'm pretty annoyed that they can't keep track of their own paperwork. Happy holidays, add fear of failing to the list of crap you have to deal with! 2. My mom decided to text me about how my step dad is upset that I want to name boy (if we have) after my fathers middle name, insisting he's my real dad. (I still keep in touch with my dad and she moved me away from him when I was 10 and I love him dearly he's a great support for me.) I'm so pissed she could be selfish enough to tell me that. It's just not something you tell your child. Like, you're all ducking adults, just talk to me about it if you're upset. But my step dad won't call me, doesn't take me out for lunches, disapproves of my marriage. We never had a close relationship, although yes he technically raised me. I'm currently in therapy for the lack of interpersonal skills my mother and step dad couldn't teach me. (Obviously, as you can tell from above drunken guilt trip.) they always make it about them! Which is why my DH and I got eloped also. So I say duck it, I'll name the baby after Harry Potter characters!
@Y0urm0m something similar happened at my grandfathers funeral. My uncle (his son) hadn't talked to him in 10 years over some drama. My other uncles all kept saying if he showed up they would punch him in the face. Well, he did show up, and no one did. They gave him space to grieve, and they hugged and we all shared a meal. Perhaps the nature of the event will be somber enough to keep the drama at bay, like it did with us. Good luck!
@Y0urm0m the choice is for you and DH to make. It sounds like his mom is being the manipulative person you describe by trying to make that choice for you and shaming him into not being able to grieve for a beloved family member that had nothing to do with the MIL issues. If DH and you had a good relationship with his great-grandfather, there's no reason you shouldn't go and give yourselves that chance to say goodbye and see him one last time. Shit, even if they weren't on good terms you'd still have every reason to go. Death is permanent. This is an incredibly important time for you to grieve the loss of someone you loved, no one should try to take that away from you guys. I'm angry for you both that someone is being so selfish, it's frustrating and I feel for you. People are so freaking stupid sometimes. His mother should be ashamed of how she is acting. Someone else dying isn't about her and how she feels. Everyone deserves the chance to grieve how they see fit for themselves.
@Y0urm0m this makes me infuriated. I deeply understand the conflicting feelings you are feeling right now. It is completely unfair the way your MIL is behaving. The decision is ultimately between you and DH as to if you guys will be going. I would hope your MIL to be civil enough to not make a scene in public. It would reflect poorly on her if she does.
@Y0urm0m the choice is for you and DH to make. It sounds like his mom is being the manipulative person you describe by trying to make that choice for you and shaming him into not being able to grieve for a beloved family member that had nothing to do with the MIL issues. If DH and you had a good relationship with his great-grandfather, there's no reason you shouldn't go and give yourselves that chance to say goodbye and see him one last time. Shit, even if they weren't on good terms you'd still have every reason to go. Death is permanent. This is an incredibly important time for you to grieve the loss of someone you loved, no one should try to take that away from you guys. I'm angry for you both that someone is being so selfish, it's frustrating and I feel for you. People are so freaking stupid sometimes. His mother should be ashamed of how she is acting. Someone else dying isn't about her and how she feels. Everyone deserves the chance to grieve how they see fit for themselves.
Again, just to play devils advocate here…
And I'm sure that that is not the situation that we're dealing with...
But to address the point "Shit, even if they weren't on good terms you'd still have every reason to go." If they were not on good terms with the great-grandfather and the great grandfather specifically made it clear to his family that he did not want them at the funeral, then the selfish thing would be to go. It would be disrespecting his final wishes. It's not all about the people that are mourning. It's about the person who has passed.
Again, I'm sure that @Y0urm0m would have mentioned if that was the case and she should do whatever it is that she feels is right for her.
@BostonBaby1 I totally see what you are saying. I really needed to see it from another perspective but if this would of happened last year we would have been obligated to go by MIL. My DH just wants to see his GGpa off and to give his love and condolences to his GGma since PIL don't tell us where she is anymore and being in her mid 90s we don't know how much longer she will be around. He just wants to give her a hug and I know she will appreciate it.
@BostonBaby1 I totally see what you are saying. I really needed to see it from another perspective but if this would of happened last year we would have been obligated to go by MIL. My DH just wants to see his GGpa off and to give his love and condolences to his GGma since PIL don't tell us where she is anymore and being in her mid 90s we don't know how much longer she will be around. He just wants to give her a hug and I know she will appreciate it.
If she would appreciate it, then you definitely could go. I was definitely not saying in any way that this type of situation was applicable to you guys, just that if the person that passed doesn't want somebody at their funeral, it's more respectful not to go. If it is simply between your in-laws and you guys, then do what it is that you need to do for closure. And I would still leave if your mother-in-law gets into a tizzy. Not because you guys don't have the right to be there, but because being the bigger people and doing the right thing by his great-grandfather and great-grandmother is going to make you feel better in the end of the day.
Sending you so many hugs and prayers that today goes smoothly for you guys. I hope that there is no scene whatsoever and you are able to say your goodbyes. (((Hugs)))
Funeral is over and done with. Slightly awkward for me but not to bad. DH is happy he went. He had a moment with GGIL where they grieved and cried together. He tried to give MIL a hug but she pushed him away so he moved on. I stayed in the back. I didnt want to upset anyone. I was approached by GPIL and GMIL gave me a long heartfelt hug and I got to tell her how sorry I am. We left right after. I'm glad I pushed him to go.
Eta: I really want to thank ALL of you guys for your advice and support you have no idea how much it means to me during this rough time in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Damn I love this community.
@Y0urm0m I'm so glad you and your DH got the opportunity to say goodbye. It sounds like GMIL appreciated your presence.
P.s. I think your MIL's behavior made her look stupid and petty to everyone there, and hopefully that made the other family members rethink not telling you guys.
Funeral is over and done with. Slightly awkward for me but not to bad. DH is happy he went. He had a moment with GGIL where they grieved and cried together. He tried to give MIL a hug but she pushed him away so he moved on. I stayed in the back. I didnt want to upset anyone. I was approached by GPIL and GMIL gave me a long heartfelt hug and I got to tell her how sorry I am. We left right after. I'm glad I pushed him to go.
So glad you guys went and DHs grandparents were happy to have you there. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.
@Y0urm0mSO glad you guys went! I want to slap you MIL for you! She sounds awful!!! Does she know you are expecting??? Usually that helps to curb issues in families.
Went to Target on my lunch break to pick up last minute gifts, wrapping paper, wipes and just random stuff. People.were.crazy. I swear one lady almost ran me over with her cart. I'm so over all the rude assholes who are running around like they are the only people who matter.
Pretty sure Christmas shopping while pregnant (and sick with a cold in my case) should be an extreme sport. I'm usually the one giving dirty looks to the the customers who complain about long lines 3 days before Christmas but I have zero patience this year. At least it's mostly confined to yelling at stupid drivers in parking lots while in my car with the windows up, but I'm becoming a Grinch this year and its unlike me. We didn't even get a Christmas tree this year.
Coming in at the end of more serious stuff, but I really need to bitch about my husband. We're moving Saturday, as in the day after Christmas and I haven't gotten that much packing done. I had my US this morning and hubs stayed home from work so he could go with me so I was under the assumption we would be packing all day. US went great, ran a couple errands, came home and started packing. Now his idea of packing is this, "Babe what do you want me to pack?" "Why don't you pack up xyz while I work on abc since I'm the one that needs to pack it." "Ok great" 30 seconds later. "Hey I need help...where does this go....what do you want me to do with this....what does this cable go to..." etc etc. It's like babysitting a child. But whatever. So then I tell him after lunch I'm going to finish up the Christmas stuff and I'd like if he helped and maybe we could put on Christmas movies and just have a nice "seasonal" afternoon. Instead he decides to play Batman on his brand new ps4 I bought him for xmas. So I have to wrap the handmade gifts I made with the handmade cards my son and I made for HIS family while he plays a game...and yes the whole time asking me to help solve riddles and problems. So here's my bitch. I spent HOURS planning, making, wrapping these gifts that are ALL for HIS family, I spent almost $600 on his damn ps4 as a present for him and what do I get? Nothing. He literally told me he wasn't getting me anything because he has no money. Mind you I'M the one on leave from work while he works fulltime. So yet again I give everything and get nothing. (And I don't expect alot, I'm a firm believer that a small meaningful gift is worth more than diamonds.) And to top it off he's STILL playing Batman and chewing his supper SO FLIPPING LOUDLY that I want to punch him in the face. I had to hide in my room and put off what I was trying to get done because I just can't anymore. Ok rant over. Lol
@Y0urm0mSO glad you guys went! I want to slap you MIL for you! She sounds awful!!! Does she know you are expecting??? Usually that helps to curb issues in families.
No she doesn't know that I'm expecting again. We don't plan on telling her. She can't ignore my pregnancy or make it feel irrelevant if she doesn't know.
@Y0urm0m Oh man what a tough position you and your DH were put in!! I'm sure made worse by the timing. I'm glad to read it worked out for you both and your husband!!
@PinkLady2015 I love Tahoe!! Will you be at the north or south shore? I'm in Northern California so Tahoe is a regular for us!
@PinkLady2015 The new Hard Rock casino is entertaining. It doesn't smell as smoky as the others. They have ice skating near Heavenly also. Don't think you'll want to partake, but maybe the family will while you're lodging, lol. Best restaurant in the area is Cafe Fiorre! Chart house is super tasty too! There are some cute shops in Heavenly village also. Good way to spend some time. I'm sure it will be beautiful up there! We've gotten a lot of rain in the valley which means tons of snow for Tahoe.
Re: Monday Bitchfest
Of course, you guys need to make the decision about what is right for you. I can't tell you what to do. Just wanted to offer a different viewpoint. And I am extremely sorry for your loss.
1. My school gave me an incomplete bc MS, got an email today saying they are dropping me next semester. I've already gone through weeks of administrative hell to get myself (legally) excused due to MS, and now I'm peeved they sent me this stupid email at 10pm the week of Xmas! I have a plan with my instructors to finish via email by the time next semester starts (or when the nausea/puke fest goes away) so I'm pretty annoyed that they can't keep track of their own paperwork. Happy holidays, add fear of failing to the list of crap you have to deal with!
2. My mom decided to text me about how my step dad is upset that I want to name boy (if we have) after my fathers middle name, insisting he's my real dad. (I still keep in touch with my dad and she moved me away from him when I was 10 and I love him dearly he's a great support for me.) I'm so pissed she could be selfish enough to tell me that. It's just not something you tell your child. Like, you're all ducking adults, just talk to me about it if you're upset. But my step dad won't call me, doesn't take me out for lunches, disapproves of my marriage. We never had a close relationship, although yes he technically raised me. I'm currently in therapy for the lack of interpersonal skills my mother and step dad couldn't teach me. (Obviously, as you can tell from above drunken guilt trip.) they always make it about them! Which is why my DH and I got eloped also. So I say duck it, I'll name the baby after Harry Potter characters!
And I'm sure that that is not the situation that we're dealing with...
But to address the point "Shit, even if they weren't on good terms you'd still have every reason to go." If they were not on good terms with the great-grandfather and the great grandfather specifically made it clear to his family that he did not want them at the funeral, then the selfish thing would be to go. It would be disrespecting his final wishes. It's not all about the people that are mourning. It's about the person who has passed.
Again, I'm sure that @Y0urm0m would have mentioned if that was the case and she should do whatever it is that she feels is right for her.
Sending you so many hugs and prayers that today goes smoothly for you guys. I hope that there is no scene whatsoever and you are able to say your goodbyes. (((Hugs)))
Funeral is over and done with. Slightly awkward for me but not to bad. DH is happy he went. He had a moment with GGIL where they grieved and cried together. He tried to give MIL a hug but she pushed him away so he moved on. I stayed in the back. I didnt want to upset anyone. I was approached by GPIL and GMIL gave me a long heartfelt hug and I got to tell her how sorry I am. We left right after. I'm glad I pushed him to go.
Eta: I really want to thank ALL of you guys for your advice and support you have no idea how much it means to me during this rough time in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Damn I love this community.
P.s. I think your MIL's behavior made her look stupid and petty to everyone there, and hopefully that made the other family members rethink not telling you guys.
So here's my bitch. I spent HOURS planning, making, wrapping these gifts that are ALL for HIS family, I spent almost $600 on his damn ps4 as a present for him and what do I get? Nothing. He literally told me he wasn't getting me anything because he has no money. Mind you I'M the one on leave from work while he works fulltime. So yet again I give everything and get nothing. (And I don't expect alot, I'm a firm believer that a small meaningful gift is worth more than diamonds.) And to top it off he's STILL playing Batman and chewing his supper SO FLIPPING LOUDLY that I want to punch him in the face. I had to hide in my room and put off what I was trying to get done because I just can't anymore. Ok rant over. Lol
@PinkLady2015 I love Tahoe!! Will you be at the north or south shore? I'm in Northern California so Tahoe is a regular for us!
The new Hard Rock casino is entertaining. It doesn't smell as smoky as the others. They have ice skating near Heavenly also. Don't think you'll want to partake, but maybe the family will while you're lodging, lol. Best restaurant in the area is Cafe Fiorre! Chart house is super tasty too! There are some cute shops in Heavenly village also. Good way to spend some time. I'm sure it will be beautiful up there! We've gotten a lot of rain in the valley which means tons of snow for Tahoe.