Based on what people think of this board, I guess my last bmb was brutal. 1000 times worse than anything said here...but when it came to someone who came back to the board with PPD...nothing but love and support.
All I'm saying in this entire thing is that I don't see these ladies ripping someone apart for having ppd. Aaaand that's it.
Hi, OP here. I didn't bounce, but I was unable to sign in due to unexpected circumstances, though I was itching to all day! I am doing my best to catch up on posts in any spare minutes between clients, and should be able to respond during my lunch if not sooner. I haven't forgotten!
I'd just like to reach in here and say that if I do get PPD again, and it is VERY likely since I've gotten it twice, this is the last place I will come for support. Anytime anyone different comes on here they get ripped to absolute shreds. That is NOT what you need when suffering PPD. You need support and assurance that you're not a complete piece of shit. You won't find that here. As long as the others on this bmb aren't going through it, then you're exaggerating and being ridiculous and whatever.
Oh course she clung to the clothes. It's a material thing she can grasp onto to explain to not only us, but herself as to why on earth she feels this way. Because to be honest, there is no reason. She just does. She needs time and support to change the image in her head.
Am I comparing gender disappointment to PPD, no I'm not. But I know first hand that unresolved gender disappointment can and will lead to PPD. It sure contributed to mine. Spending 20 weeks of my pregnancy not getting support for it, yeah I felt like a failed mother before it even started. Then to feel it again the second time was worse, because I knew how awesome having a son was. That didn't change my feelings that literally came out of nowhere.
That's funny. When I had severe PPA and couldn't eat or sleep, I got amazing support from my BMB. Perhaps you get from the group what you provide to it.
I'm sure it is "funny". I'll admit, this is my first bmb. First pregnancy with a smart phone/ Internet access on a regular basis. But from the way I've seen others get ripped apart for being honest and sharing things, this is NOT where I will come for support, because I feel I will not get it here. I'll stick with just sharing my sunshine and rainbows and having discussions on the UO board or other such places. To actually post to ask for support? Nope. I'm good actually. I'll go to the few people I have before and my doctor.
I'm the opposite. I had built up the idea of a boy in my head. And yes I know the chance would be 50/50 going in. Just really wanted/hoped for a boy. Found out it was a girl. Was I disappointed? Yes, but not for the reasons that you may think. My biggest fear with my disappointment is that if my girl turns out to be one of those girly girl diva princesses that I won't know how to be a good mommy to her b/c I do not know much about being a girly girl as I grew up being a total tom boy (and still am to an extent) and I'm worried that I will ruin her life by not getting her just the right clothes etc and then later in school other girls will make fun of her and bully her (like they did me) b/c she isn't dressed just so so. Yes I grew up being a little girl, but I did not do typical little girl things. I played with all the boys toys and hated dressing up. It was a knock down drag out to get me in a dress. And I was bullied really bad for it in school (probably where my fears stem from). If my girl turns out to be a girly girl there will be a very sharp learning curve and I'm afraid that I will fail her as a parent. I did not even think about these fears until I found out it was a girl. These fears lasted approximately a couple of days (although I still worry that I might be a bad mommy due to my lack of knowledge). My DH was really supportive in helping me overcome them. We went to the store together and looked at girly stuff. DH is really good at picking out little girl clothes. And I'm super excited that they make Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle clothes for little girls! We can totally match! I have TMNT jammies myself. I can't wait until she gets older and we can play with toys together. On that note I do plan on attempting to keep her far far away from the Frozen craze. Ultimately though, it's not about the toys or the clothes. This kid is going to be spoiled rotten with so much love that she isn't going to know what to do with it all lol
That's funny. When I had severe PPA and couldn't eat or sleep, I got amazing support from my BMB. Perhaps you get from the group what you provide to it.
Wow. Passive aggression, self-righteousness, *and* victim-blaming? Thanks so much for sharing with us how to provide the right type of input for cultivating a supportive BMB.
That's funny. When I had severe PPA and couldn't eat or sleep, I got amazing support from my BMB. Perhaps you get from the group what you provide to it.
Wow. Passive aggression, self-righteousness, *and* victim-blaming? Thanks so much for sharing with us how to provide the right type of input for cultivating a supportive BMB.
/sarcasm.
Srsly, wtf dude?
....... Oh.
I lurk. I snark. I offer sound advice if you're not BSC. You may not like me. I'm okay with it.
That's funny. When I had severe PPA and couldn't eat or sleep, I got amazing support from my BMB. Perhaps you get from the group what you provide to it.
Wow. Passive aggression, self-righteousness, *and* victim-blaming? Thanks so much for sharing with us how to provide the right type of input for cultivating a supportive BMB.
/sarcasm.
Srsly, wtf dude?
That was my reaction too. I don't think it is "what you provide to it" that determines if people are going to be ruthless and brutal. For some people, they see something they don't understand or like and just attack. That doesn't mean that the OP did anything wrong or hasn't contributed enough to the group. I know I sound like I am just butthurt (and honestly, I still kinda am), but it is disappointing when you are a supportive contributor and see the hurtful reactions from both drive-bys and regulars. I appreciate that there are those who will stand up against hurtful comments, but honestly a lot of times the damage is done.
That's funny. When I had severe PPA and couldn't eat or sleep, I got amazing support from my BMB. Perhaps you get from the group what you provide to it.
Wow. Passive aggression, self-righteousness, *and* victim-blaming? Thanks so much for sharing with us how to provide the right type of input for cultivating a supportive BMB.
/sarcasm.
Srsly, wtf dude?
That was my reaction too. I don't think it is "what you provide to it" that determines if people are going to be ruthless and brutal. For some people, they see something they don't understand or like and just attack. That doesn't mean that the OP did anything wrong or hasn't contributed enough to the group. I know I sound like I am just butthurt (and honestly, I still kinda am), but it is disappointing when you are a supportive contributor and see the hurtful reactions from both drive-bys and regulars. I appreciate that there are those who will stand up against hurtful comments, but honestly a lot of times the damage is done. ---edit for qbf--- Amen. I've tried to be supportive. It's not my strong point. I'm a big girl, I can take the negativity. But that's why I don't share on here. If someone shares something they need help with, seeing people not being helpful hurts. There are alot of very supportive women on here that I would be comfortable turning to if need be. But there's too many that aren't for me to bother trying.
I can empathize with this feeling. It is not like you aren't grateful for your baby, but you can't help feeling sad about the "other life" you could have had.
When I was pregnant for DD I had no preference for sex either way, but I did want a daughter someday. When we found out it was a girl, I was ecstatic, yet still was sad for a couple of days as I let go of the vision I had created of having a little boy and what that would have been like.
This pregnancy, for some reason we were convinced it was a girl and we were going to have two little girls. My husband and I were both in shock when it was a boy! It took us both a couple of days to readjust our thinking and start planning for a little boy instead. I wouldn't use the word disappointed, it was more of just a little shock we had to adjust through. (Yes, I know we had a 50/50 chance of either sex, we just both felt like it was going to be a girl)
In my experience, this feeling will pass. Once you start raising your baby, you probably won't be able to imagine anything else. I wish you the best and hope the excitement kicks into high gear soon! I bet it will.
I've got really nothing to add as PPs have given stellar advise.
I will just say something on the clothing front though, we have a 18month old at the daycare that always shows up looking like he stepped out of a baby gap add. At 7months old he probably had more shoes then me (mostly converse). Just shop around.
I'm confused why anyone would stick around who doesn't feel like they are in a supportive and encouraging group.
Can't speak for everyone, but I honestly can't get through a day at work without a little distraction! And I like being able to share some of my STM "wisdom" and since I don't have any friends IRL who are due around the same time, it is exciting to hear how everyone here is doing. I may not feel 100% supported here, but I still want to help support others.
Okay whoa. This is getting out of hand. Like a PP said, this BMB is WAY more sunshine and rainbows than my last BMB. The whole culture of this board is, and has been since I joined over 3 years ago, more of a tough love community. Yes if people have serious problems chances are they are going to get great support from their BMB. If I had any problem that I felt I needed support for, I would not hesitate to talk about it here because I really believe people would do the best they can. So if OP had gone to her A/S scan and found out her DS had a trisomy, or a serious deformation, or that awful Acrania that I saw on Facebook people would NO DOUBT be supportive of that. I can't get on board with telling her she's completely justified in her feelings because 1) I've never felt what she had and 2) I am ECSTATIC that my child is healthy. I would be completely devastated if I went to my scan and found out there was something wrong with my baby. The only thing "wrong" with her child is that it's not the right sex. And I just can't empathize with that. There are many people that are not lucky enough to even get to this point in pregnancy let alone hear that their child is HEALTHY.
Also, when people come here with issues that probably need some professional help, I would rather the members of this BMB say, hey OP, I understand your upset but maybe you should talk to someone about that before it turns into a bigger issue. Instead everyone here wants to say I totally understand! You are right to feel like that! You are perfectly normal! I'm not saying OP needs professional help, but in other cases where people are coming here for support sometimes they NEED someone to say that the problem might be bigger than they think and to talk to someone. In my opinion that is being supportive and that's exactly what I would tell my friends IRL.
And seriously @laurenmdrn16? There was one person that was rude to you and everyone else stood up for you. I would hardly consider our entire BMB "unsupportive". And if the rest of the responses weren't what you were looking for, then I'm not sure what kind of support you expected to find.
And seriously @laurenmdrn16? There was one person that was rude to you and everyone else stood up for you. I would hardly consider our entire BMB "unsupportive". And if the rest of the responses weren't what you were looking for, then I'm not sure what kind of support you expected to find.
For reals....
I have to also agree with @FinePlacentaPie . Why stick around if you feel like you aren't getting the support you need? If its to have a place to procrastinate your day away, BabyCenter or Weddingbee would be happy to tell you how wonderful/fabulous/amazing you are and to congratulate every single new person who wants to start their own thread on due date/sex/etc.
I have found nothing but support here. So many members have given me great advice and reassurance with the family issues I am having. But too often, people around here think if you aren't puking unicorn glitter on them, then they are being unsupportive. Sometimes, giving support means being blunt and telling someone what they don't want to hear. Maybe its just me, but I would rather face the hard truth than have a unicorn horn up my butt.
Ehhh. I'm on the fence here. When someone is being a jerk or posts the 37th Ramsey theory thread, then go for it. I think when someone confesses something that is bothering them, or a mental health issue, or a feeling they have that they cannot control, then being supportive or just not being overly harsh is more effective than berating someone.
As someone with hypochondria, which I like calling health anxiety because it sounds better, you have no idea how damaging it is when people tell me to just get over it, or that I'm fine.
This post in particular came from someone who has had a previous loss, envisioned a life with this new baby, and now has to readjust her thinking. Did a couple elements of the post make me go ehhhh, yes. But is it helpful to tell her her feelings aren't valid and she should just suck it up?
I stick around even though I feel unsupported because I don't have to feel support to enjoy a nice chat with other women having babies around the same as me. Especially since some of you are STM's and I very much enjoy hearing as well as sharing what's going on with our older children. I don't need to feel support to have a little chit chat. *shrugs* but that's just me.
I felt like that was what she was trying to do with her post. Get out her negative feelings and ask for guidance finding the positive. I'm not surprised she hasn't been back to post. It got pretty nasty. I do hope she finds the positives of having a boy.
That's what I was feeling like she was too. I actually was a little bit disappointed when I got pregnant. I've talked about it on here before. It's totally okay to mourn the loss of an ideal or a change in life or whatever (I think that's what the PP who mentioned miscarriage/loss was trying to get at, just choose poor wording).
So here's a funny positive. I've heard it said/joked that with a boy, you only have to worry about one penis. With a girl, you have to worry about all of them. So there you go. Hope I made you laugh a little.
More (some funny, some serious) positives: You won't have to deal with putting tights on a wiggling baby/toddler, girls tend to end up being little Daddy's girls but you will have a little boy who will love you so much, no dressing and undressing Barbie dolls until you can't take it anymore, so much easier for them to just pee outside without having to deal with going inside in the middle of playing (maybe not such a good idea if you don't have your own, semi-secluded yard...lol), overalls look cute on all babies, no dealing with long hair getting in the way of everything/tears while brushing said long hair, it's totally okay to (sometimes) give in to the side of you that thinks gas is funny because little boys tend to have that type of sense of humor built in......
Think outside the box if you have to but seriously, little boys can be totally awesome.
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012 TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
Ok, OP again, after having read the responses. Wow guys. Just... Wow.
First, some clarification: I never said I would loathe this child or having a boy is the end of my world. As I said, I am thrilled to have a child at all. I have looked forward to raising children- many children, of both genders-- for years, and I have also stared down the fear that I may never have a child. What I said is that I am dealing with this emotion, wondering if others are too, and asking for help getting back in the right headspace, as obviously, I want to deal with this and move on with loving and enjoying my child.
I didn't state a lot of this as I didn't want to write a full novel, but I suppose the novel is necessary. Leading up to the US, I wouldn't even make "guesses" as to which gender it was when asked, or admit to anything more than a slight "preference" because I didn't want to get too attached to one idea or the other. And also, the first few months were fraught with worry over potential miscarriage, and it took some time to even feel confident once we were past the first trimester. I just wanted a healthy child.
What I expected to feel if it was not a girl was the brief disappointment (like a couple hours or maybe to the end of the day) followed by jumping into being excited for a boy. I was truly shocked when I was having a hard time shaking it. I didn't consciously go in with these huge hopes, but obviously, they were there whether I knew it or not. Idle day dreams since childhood were more deep seated than I realized. I didn't plan to feel this way, nor do I want to, but since when are feelings logical? I can't just deny they exist-- I have to work through them, silly though they may be.
Regarding the clothes, that was my "Ok, let's hurry up and get in a happy excited headspace" attempt. I'm a creative, visual person. Clothes are visual, and allow for some creativity and fun. I mentioned clothes, specifically, because that attempt completely backfired and made me frustrated instead of helping. I didn't go in to it, but I also worked on the baby registry, read articles about boys, and thought about all the amazing little boys I have worked with and known through the years.
There are things I look forward to with raising children, regardless of gender. I look forward to raising them to be respectful and kind and intelligent and very uniquely themselves-- fostering whatever natural talents and curiousities they possess. But that is more like a deep, heartfelt, life mission, and not an excited snap myself out of a funk thing. And THAT is what I am struggling with right now.
And I KNOW that whatever I imagine, no matter what gender, children surprise you. They break expectations. But I haven't met my child yet, and right now, "what ifs" and daydreams are all I have to work with. And even once my child is here, it will take him time to settle into himself and express who he is. In the meantime, possibilities are what fuel me. Those are what I need, and I posted here because I could tell I wasn't seeing all of them. I knew there was a bunch I was missing in the midst of the emotion.
In regards to the circus comment, I don't mean that it's a bad thing at all, and I certainly never said "burden." I WANT that circus-- if possible, I want four or five or more children. It's something I am excited for, someday. But, just a point of fact, it IS more difficult, especially when they are small. More chaotic. More difficult isn't necessarily bad, but it IS a reality. As one poster said, it's the alone time. I worry I won't get a chance to fully enjoy that. And maybe it won't matter, but the worry is there. Again, emotions. We don't choose emotions, just deal with them, and I that's what I'm trying to do.
I posted here despite reservations (I've seen some nastiness in other threads and have really stepped away from the boards since) because I didn't have anyone else who I could talk to about this. Everyone else is too close to the situation, and deserves to have their own feelings without mine interfering. I had hoped maybe those unpleasant threads were isolated cases, but that as this was a pregnancy support group, I would be able to find that encouragement and support. Honestly, I'm glad I wasn't able to read these responses as they came in. Some people clearly are poised to see the worst. I asked for help, and part of me is angry, and part of me is disappointed that people can be like that.
To those who shared things you love about your sons, and posted pictures, and tried to keep the negativity of others at bay, thank you. I will try to look at some of the sites mentioned, think about your words, and look at more baby boy pictures (I didn't think of that, but it helped hugely!) Already, I think I'm on my way to being excited again.
I'm the opposite. I had built up the idea of a boy in my head. And yes I know the chance would be 50/50 going in. Just really wanted/hoped for a boy. Found out it was a girl. Was I disappointed? Yes, but not for the reasons that you may think. My biggest fear with my disappointment is that if my girl turns out to be one of those girly girl diva princesses that I won't know how to be a good mommy to her b/c I do not know much about being a girly girl as I grew up being a total tom boy (and still am to an extent) and I'm worried that I will ruin her life by not getting her just the right clothes etc and then later in school other girls will make fun of her and bully her (like they did me) b/c she isn't dressed just so so. Yes I grew up being a little girl, but I did not do typical little girl things. I played with all the boys toys and hated dressing up. It was a knock down drag out to get me in a dress. And I was bullied really bad for it in school (probably where my fears stem from). If my girl turns out to be a girly girl there will be a very sharp learning curve and I'm afraid that I will fail her as a parent. I did not even think about these fears until I found out it was a girl. These fears lasted approximately a couple of days (although I still worry that I might be a bad mommy due to my lack of knowledge). My DH was really supportive in helping me overcome them. We went to the store together and looked at girly stuff. DH is really good at picking out little girl clothes. And I'm super excited that they make Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle clothes for little girls! We can totally match! I have TMNT jammies myself. I can't wait until she gets older and we can play with toys together. On that note I do plan on attempting to keep her far far away from the Frozen craze. Ultimately though, it's not about the toys or the clothes. This kid is going to be spoiled rotten with so much love that she isn't going to know what to do with it all lol
I can completely respect this line of thinking. You're ultimately concerned about being the best parent you can be for your daughter, which is a completely unselfish thought. That's wasn't what I was getting from the OP, although I'd be happy to hear her thoughts. No doubt she would like to clarify some things (I hope.)
Ok, OP again, after having read the responses. Wow guys. Just... Wow.
First, some clarification: I never said I would loathe this child or having a boy is the end of my world. As I said, I am thrilled to have a child at all. I have looked forward to raising children- many children, of both genders-- for years, and I have also stared down the fear that I may never have a child. What I said is that I am dealing with this emotion, wondering if others are too, and asking for help getting back in the right headspace, as obviously, I want to deal with this and move on with loving and enjoying my child.
I didn't state a lot of this as I didn't want to write a full novel, but I suppose the novel is necessary. Leading up to the US, I wouldn't even make "guesses" as to which gender it was when asked, or admit to anything more than a slight "preference" because I didn't want to get too attached to one idea or the other. And also, the first few months were fraught with worry over potential miscarriage, and it took some time to even feel confident once we were past the first trimester. I just wanted a healthy child.
What I expected to feel if it was not a girl was the brief disappointment (like a couple hours or maybe to the end of the day) followed by jumping into being excited for a boy. I was truly shocked when I was having a hard time shaking it. I didn't consciously go in with these huge hopes, but obviously, they were there whether I knew it or not. Idle day dreams since childhood were more deep seated than I realized. I didn't plan to feel this way, nor do I want to, but since when are feelings logical? I can't just deny they exist-- I have to work through them, silly though they may be.
Regarding the clothes, that was my "Ok, let's hurry up and get in a happy excited headspace" attempt. I'm a creative, visual person. Clothes are visual, and allow for some creativity and fun. I mentioned clothes, specifically, because that attempt completely backfired and made me frustrated instead of helping. I didn't go in to it, but I also worked on the baby registry, read articles about boys, and thought about all the amazing little boys I have worked with and known through the years.
There are things I look forward to with raising children, regardless of gender. I look forward to raising them to be respectful and kind and intelligent and very uniquely themselves-- fostering whatever natural talents and curiousities they possess. But that is more like a deep, heartfelt, life mission, and not an excited snap myself out of a funk thing. And THAT is what I am struggling with right now.
And I KNOW that whatever I imagine, no matter what gender, children surprise you. They break expectations. But I haven't met my child yet, and right now, "what ifs" and daydreams are all I have to work with. And even once my child is here, it will take him time to settle into himself and express who he is. In the meantime, possibilities are what fuel me. Those are what I need, and I posted here because I could tell I wasn't seeing all of them. I knew there was a bunch I was missing in the midst of the emotion.
In regards to the circus comment, I don't mean that it's a bad thing at all, and I certainly never said "burden." I WANT that circus-- if possible, I want four or five or more children. It's something I am excited for, someday. But, just a point of fact, it IS more difficult, especially when they are small. More chaotic. More difficult isn't necessarily bad, but it IS a reality. As one poster said, it's the alone time. I worry I won't get a chance to fully enjoy that. And maybe it won't matter, but the worry is there. Again, emotions. We don't choose emotions, just deal with them, and I that's what I'm trying to do.
I posted here despite reservations (I've seen some nastiness in other threads and have really stepped away from the boards since) because I didn't have anyone else who I could talk to about this. Everyone else is too close to the situation, and deserves to have their own feelings without mine interfering. I had hoped maybe those unpleasant threads were isolated cases, but that as this was a pregnancy support group, I would be able to find that encouragement and support. Honestly, I'm glad I wasn't able to read these responses as they came in. Some people clearly are poised to see the worst. I asked for help, and part of me is angry, and part of me is disappointed that people can be like that.
To those who shared things you love about your sons, and posted pictures, and tried to keep the negativity of others at bay, thank you. I will try to look at some of the sites mentioned, think about your words, and look at more baby boy pictures (I didn't think of that, but it helped hugely!) Already, I think I'm on my way to being excited again.
Sounds like some things helped and I'm glad that you are feeling a little better. I sometimes think the "petty" disappointments are harder than the big ones as other people just don't "get it" and then you are made to feel like a horrible person for having a struggle that others deem as silly.
I brought up the circus in my response. Maybe I read that incorrectly. I read it as "I'll be spending all my time taking older children to this practice and that activity and won't be able to enjoy girly things when I do have a girl." So with that thought, I was basically saying, you control just how crazy it gets. I understand now that that isn't so much what you meant by circus.
So much of having more than one child is just being intentional. But instead of worrying about that now, just focus on enjoying the baby. My DH struggles with worrying about the future. I keep telling him that he spends so much time worrying about what might happen, he forgets to enjoy the here and now. So don't do that!!
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012 TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
I actually really enjoyed reading your second response and now have a deeper understanding of your feelings. Truthfully, the two posts sound like 2 different people. I wish I would've read your second response first. & I think this all would've gone much more smoothly.
Ok, OP again, after having read the responses. Wow guys. Just... Wow.
First, some clarification: I never said I would loathe this child or having a boy is the end of my world. As I said, I am thrilled to have a child at all. I have looked forward to raising children- many children, of both genders-- for years, and I have also stared down the fear that I may never have a child. What I said is that I am dealing with this emotion, wondering if others are too, and asking for help getting back in the right headspace, as obviously, I want to deal with this and move on with loving and enjoying my child.
I didn't state a lot of this as I didn't want to write a full novel, but I suppose the novel is necessary...
Whatever, like somebody else said, sometimes at work I need a distraction, and this was way more entertaining than another post about... pretty much anything else on here! So thank you for that! I also think that no matter what the circumstances around your disappointment were (although I totally get it - I say I have no preference, but also that I'll really find out if I have a preference once I find out what it is!), it's WAY better for you to voice your concerns, doubts, etc. on here in a group of people going through the same thing, and get it out of your system so it doesn't come out around people who might negatively judge you in real life.
I actually really enjoyed reading your second response and now have a deeper understanding of your feelings. Truthfully, the two posts sound like 2 different people. I wish I would've read your second response first. & I think this all would've gone much more smoothly.
I agree.
OP, you might want to go back and reread your original post. I admit to reading it in "whiney voice". Just how it came across to me. I'm glad you can back to explain your feelings a little more. You made it seem like this was a really deep seeded issue, when now it seems like it only came about once learning you were having a boy, and it genuinely caught you by surprise.
I'm so glad some of the things on here helped you! Adorable baby pictures are the best, right?! And it's beyond true little boys are the best snugglers as @FinePlacentaPie said. They all just want their mama. Fact. Mine fight over me and I wouldn't trade it for the world. And neither will you, believe me. You won't even be able to imagine your precious baby boy being anything else. He's just your baby. Take care of yourself and feel the feels. All of them. I didn't and it didn't end well for me. I'm not saying it's that way for everyone, but just feel all of the feels. Once you feel them, vent and deal with them you can move on from them then we count down to a special little man's birthday!!!!
I actually really enjoyed reading your second response and now have a deeper understanding of your feelings. Truthfully, the two posts sound like 2 different people. I wish I would've read your second response first. & I think this all would've gone much more smoothly.
I agree. Thanks for clarifying, OP. I hope some of the suggestions continue to help you get excited about your baby boy. And if you feel like your sadness becomes overwhelming, I would encourage you to speak with your doctor to rule out antepartum depression.
I'll also add that I have a history of depression, but this pregnancy has been entirely mood swing free for me. I am keenly attuned to the signs of depression in myself-- I promise, this isn't that. Just an unexpected emotional response, and a funk I needed to get out of! So no worries there.
@Cassandramariec I understand where you're coming from. I also felt disappointed when I found out I was having a girl. Unlike you, I have a boy already and really wanted another boy. I knew that it was out of my hands, but I couldn't help myself than to wish it was a boy. My reasons just like your might sound silly to others, but as pp have said you can't help the way you feel. I let myself be upset, I shared my disappointment with my DH and gave myself time to get over the fact I'm not having another boy. It has been a couple of days now, and feel better about it. I started to research room decor ideas (as they are sharing a room for a while) and deciding on names (we only had picked the boy name). Once you have your baby in your arms, I know sex will be the last thing in your mind, we both know we will love our LO unconditionally.
I am always so surprised at some of your reactions ladies... I rarely post on these because of how rude and unsupportive you can be! I clicked on this title because I struggled with the same thing... And guess what?.... Mine was even "worse" because I WANTED a boy and am having a girl! I felt like I couldn't share my disappointment with anyone. This should be a place to get support and have questions answered from peers. If you want to rag on or put down the person that started the post... DON'T! Click out of the thread and go somewhere else where you think everyone agrees with you. Didn't your mama ever teach you "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?" You may want to practice what you preach before you start telling it to your own kids...
I am always so surprised at some of your reactions ladies... I rarely post on these because of how rude and unsupportive you can be! I clicked on this title because I struggled with the same thing... And guess what?.... Mine was even "worse" because I WANTED a boy and am having a girl! I felt like I couldn't share my disappointment with anyone. This should be a place to get support and have questions answered from peers. If you want to rag on or put down the person that started the post... DON'T! Click out of the thread and go somewhere else where you think everyone agrees with you. Didn't your mama ever teach you "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?" You may want to practice what you preach before you start telling it to your own kids...
Who are you, and why are you stirring up trouble when multiple people have already admitted to coming around after the OP did a better job of explaining how she was feeling?
Also, shouldnt you take your own advice and scroll past rather than calling people who were trying to offer perspective "rude and unsupportive"? Especially since most of the comments were encouraging and understanding to OP, anyway.
I am always so surprised at some of your reactions ladies... I rarely post on these because of how rude and unsupportive you can be! I clicked on this title because I struggled with the same thing... And guess what?.... Mine was even "worse" because I WANTED a boy and am having a girl! I felt like I couldn't share my disappointment with anyone. This should be a place to get support and have questions answered from peers. If you want to rag on or put down the person that started the post... DON'T! Click out of the thread and go somewhere else where you think everyone agrees with you. Didn't your mama ever teach you "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?" You may want to practice what you preach before you start telling it to your own kids...
You're always surprised? It seems like you're expecting people to be "rude and unsupportive". You have only ever posted in threads of your own creation until this one. Who is the supportive one?
My mother actually taught me to speak the truth in kindness. I'll admit I may not always come across as kind, but when someone asks for advice, I'll give it, and with honesty. If you aren't open to a variety of opinions, the topic shouldn't be brought up. The OP handled herself well, because she knew what she was getting into. She doesn't need you to defend her.
I am always so surprised at some of your reactions ladies... I rarely post on these because of how rude and unsupportive you can be! I clicked on this title because I struggled with the same thing... And guess what?.... Mine was even "worse" because I WANTED a boy and am having a girl! I felt like I couldn't share my disappointment with anyone. This should be a place to get support and have questions answered from peers. If you want to rag on or put down the person that started the post... DON'T! Click out of the thread and go somewhere else where you think everyone agrees with you. Didn't your mama ever teach you "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?" You may want to practice what you preach before you start telling it to your own kids...
The world is not all rainbows. You can't expect an online board to be either.
Woah. Just pointing out that she didn't ask for your OPINIONS or ADVICE. She asked for SUPPORT. Very different things. And yes, I shared my opinion, and definitely won't again. Sorry to tick off people.
Ok, OP again, after having read the responses. Wow guys. Just... Wow.
First, some clarification: I never said I would loathe this child or having a boy is the end of my world. As I said, I am thrilled to have a child at all. I have looked forward to raising children- many children, of both genders-- for years, and I have also stared down the fear that I may never have a child. What I said is that I am dealing with this emotion, wondering if others are too, and asking for help getting back in the right headspace, as obviously, I want to deal with this and move on with loving and enjoying my child.
I didn't state a lot of this as I didn't want to write a full novel, but I suppose the novel is necessary. Leading up to the US, I wouldn't even make "guesses" as to which gender it was when asked, or admit to anything more than a slight "preference" because I didn't want to get too attached to one idea or the other. And also, the first few months were fraught with worry over potential miscarriage, and it took some time to even feel confident once we were past the first trimester. I just wanted a healthy child.
What I expected to feel if it was not a girl was the brief disappointment (like a couple hours or maybe to the end of the day) followed by jumping into being excited for a boy. I was truly shocked when I was having a hard time shaking it. I didn't consciously go in with these huge hopes, but obviously, they were there whether I knew it or not. Idle day dreams since childhood were more deep seated than I realized. I didn't plan to feel this way, nor do I want to, but since when are feelings logical? I can't just deny they exist-- I have to work through them, silly though they may be.
Regarding the clothes, that was my "Ok, let's hurry up and get in a happy excited headspace" attempt. I'm a creative, visual person. Clothes are visual, and allow for some creativity and fun. I mentioned clothes, specifically, because that attempt completely backfired and made me frustrated instead of helping. I didn't go in to it, but I also worked on the baby registry, read articles about boys, and thought about all the amazing little boys I have worked with and known through the years.
There are things I look forward to with raising children, regardless of gender. I look forward to raising them to be respectful and kind and intelligent and very uniquely themselves-- fostering whatever natural talents and curiousities they possess. But that is more like a deep, heartfelt, life mission, and not an excited snap myself out of a funk thing. And THAT is what I am struggling with right now.
And I KNOW that whatever I imagine, no matter what gender, children surprise you. They break expectations. But I haven't met my child yet, and right now, "what ifs" and daydreams are all I have to work with. And even once my child is here, it will take him time to settle into himself and express who he is. In the meantime, possibilities are what fuel me. Those are what I need, and I posted here because I could tell I wasn't seeing all of them. I knew there was a bunch I was missing in the midst of the emotion.
In regards to the circus comment, I don't mean that it's a bad thing at all, and I certainly never said "burden." I WANT that circus-- if possible, I want four or five or more children. It's something I am excited for, someday. But, just a point of fact, it IS more difficult, especially when they are small. More chaotic. More difficult isn't necessarily bad, but it IS a reality. As one poster said, it's the alone time. I worry I won't get a chance to fully enjoy that. And maybe it won't matter, but the worry is there. Again, emotions. We don't choose emotions, just deal with them, and I that's what I'm trying to do.
I posted here despite reservations (I've seen some nastiness in other threads and have really stepped away from the boards since) because I didn't have anyone else who I could talk to about this. Everyone else is too close to the situation, and deserves to have their own feelings without mine interfering. I had hoped maybe those unpleasant threads were isolated cases, but that as this was a pregnancy support group, I would be able to find that encouragement and support. Honestly, I'm glad I wasn't able to read these responses as they came in. Some people clearly are poised to see the worst. I asked for help, and part of me is angry, and part of me is disappointed that people can be like that.
To those who shared things you love about your sons, and posted pictures, and tried to keep the negativity of others at bay, thank you. I will try to look at some of the sites mentioned, think about your words, and look at more baby boy pictures (I didn't think of that, but it helped hugely!) Already, I think I'm on my way to being excited again.
Ok, OP again, after having read the responses. Wow guys. Just... Wow.
First, some clarification: I never said I would loathe this child or having a boy is the end of my world. As I said, I am thrilled to have a child at all. I have looked forward to raising children- many children, of both genders-- for years, and I have also stared down the fear that I may never have a child. What I said is that I am dealing with this emotion, wondering if others are too, and asking for help getting back in the right headspace, as obviously, I want to deal with this and move on with loving and enjoying my child.
I didn't state a lot of this as I didn't want to write a full novel, but I suppose the novel is necessary. Leading up to the US, I wouldn't even make "guesses" as to which gender it was when asked, or admit to anything more than a slight "preference" because I didn't want to get too attached to one idea or the other. And also, the first few months were fraught with worry over potential miscarriage, and it took some time to even feel confident once we were past the first trimester. I just wanted a healthy child.
What I expected to feel if it was not a girl was the brief disappointment (like a couple hours or maybe to the end of the day) followed by jumping into being excited for a boy. I was truly shocked when I was having a hard time shaking it. I didn't consciously go in with these huge hopes, but obviously, they were there whether I knew it or not. Idle day dreams since childhood were more deep seated than I realized. I didn't plan to feel this way, nor do I want to, but since when are feelings logical? I can't just deny they exist-- I have to work through them, silly though they may be.
Regarding the clothes, that was my "Ok, let's hurry up and get in a happy excited headspace" attempt. I'm a creative, visual person. Clothes are visual, and allow for some creativity and fun. I mentioned clothes, specifically, because that attempt completely backfired and made me frustrated instead of helping. I didn't go in to it, but I also worked on the baby registry, read articles about boys, and thought about all the amazing little boys I have worked with and known through the years.
There are things I look forward to with raising children, regardless of gender. I look forward to raising them to be respectful and kind and intelligent and very uniquely themselves-- fostering whatever natural talents and curiousities they possess. But that is more like a deep, heartfelt, life mission, and not an excited snap myself out of a funk thing. And THAT is what I am struggling with right now.
And I KNOW that whatever I imagine, no matter what gender, children surprise you. They break expectations. But I haven't met my child yet, and right now, "what ifs" and daydreams are all I have to work with. And even once my child is here, it will take him time to settle into himself and express who he is. In the meantime, possibilities are what fuel me. Those are what I need, and I posted here because I could tell I wasn't seeing all of them. I knew there was a bunch I was missing in the midst of the emotion.
In regards to the circus comment, I don't mean that it's a bad thing at all, and I certainly never said "burden." I WANT that circus-- if possible, I want four or five or more children. It's something I am excited for, someday. But, just a point of fact, it IS more difficult, especially when they are small. More chaotic. More difficult isn't necessarily bad, but it IS a reality. As one poster said, it's the alone time. I worry I won't get a chance to fully enjoy that. And maybe it won't matter, but the worry is there. Again, emotions. We don't choose emotions, just deal with them, and I that's what I'm trying to do.
I posted here despite reservations (I've seen some nastiness in other threads and have really stepped away from the boards since) because I didn't have anyone else who I could talk to about this. Everyone else is too close to the situation, and deserves to have their own feelings without mine interfering. I had hoped maybe those unpleasant threads were isolated cases, but that as this was a pregnancy support group, I would be able to find that encouragement and support. Honestly, I'm glad I wasn't able to read these responses as they came in. Some people clearly are poised to see the worst. I asked for help, and part of me is angry, and part of me is disappointed that people can be like that.
To those who shared things you love about your sons, and posted pictures, and tried to keep the negativity of others at bay, thank you. I will try to look at some of the sites mentioned, think about your words, and look at more baby boy pictures (I didn't think of that, but it helped hugely!) Already, I think I'm on my way to being excited again.
I applaud your honesty and vulnerability. Welcome to motherhood!
Re: Trying to get excited after gender disappointment
All I'm saying in this entire thing is that I don't see these ladies ripping someone apart for having ppd. Aaaand that's it.
I'm sure it is "funny". I'll admit, this is my first bmb. First pregnancy with a smart phone/ Internet access on a regular basis. But from the way I've seen others get ripped apart for being honest and sharing things, this is NOT where I will come for support, because I feel I will not get it here. I'll stick with just sharing my sunshine and rainbows and having discussions on the UO board or other such places. To actually post to ask for support? Nope. I'm good actually. I'll go to the few people I have before and my doctor.
First Pregnancy
Second Pregnancy
- BFP: 09/11/2015
- EDD: 05/25/2016
Baby Born04/15/2016
PGAL
/sarcasm.
Srsly, wtf dude?
Oh.
I lurk. I snark. I offer sound advice if you're not BSC. You may not like me. I'm okay with it.
I lurk. I snark. I offer sound advice if you're not BSC. You may not like me. I'm okay with it.
---edit for qbf---
Amen. I've tried to be supportive. It's not my strong point. I'm a big girl, I can take the negativity. But that's why I don't share on here. If someone shares something they need help with, seeing people not being helpful hurts. There are alot of very supportive women on here that I would be comfortable turning to if need be. But there's too many that aren't for me to bother trying.
When I was pregnant for DD I had no preference for sex either way, but I did want a daughter someday. When we found out it was a girl, I was ecstatic, yet still was sad for a couple of days as I let go of the vision I had created of having a little boy and what that would have been like.
This pregnancy, for some reason we were convinced it was a girl and we were going to have two little girls. My husband and I were both in shock when it was a boy! It took us both a couple of days to readjust our thinking and start planning for a little boy instead. I wouldn't use the word disappointed, it was more of just a little shock we had to adjust through. (Yes, I know we had a 50/50 chance of either sex, we just both felt like it was going to be a girl)
In my experience, this feeling will pass. Once you start raising your baby, you probably won't be able to imagine anything else. I wish you the best and hope the excitement kicks into high gear soon! I bet it will.
I will just say something on the clothing front though, we have a 18month old at the daycare that always shows up looking like he stepped out of a baby gap add. At 7months old he probably had more shoes then me (mostly converse). Just shop around.
I lurk. I snark. I offer sound advice if you're not BSC. You may not like me. I'm okay with it.
Also, when people come here with issues that probably need some professional help, I would rather the members of this BMB say, hey OP, I understand your upset but maybe you should talk to someone about that before it turns into a bigger issue. Instead everyone here wants to say I totally understand! You are right to feel like that! You are perfectly normal! I'm not saying OP needs professional help, but in other cases where people are coming here for support sometimes they NEED someone to
say that the problem might be bigger than they think and to talk to someone. In my opinion that is being supportive and that's exactly what I would tell my friends IRL.
And seriously @laurenmdrn16? There was one person that was rude to you and everyone else stood up for you. I would hardly consider our entire BMB "unsupportive". And if the rest of the responses weren't what you were looking for, then I'm not sure what kind of support you expected to find.
I have to also agree with @FinePlacentaPie . Why stick around if you feel like you aren't getting the support you need? If its to have a place to procrastinate your day away, BabyCenter or Weddingbee would be happy to tell you how wonderful/fabulous/amazing you are and to congratulate every single new person who wants to start their own thread on due date/sex/etc.
I have found nothing but support here. So many members have given me great advice and reassurance with the family issues I am having. But too often, people around here think if you aren't puking unicorn glitter on them, then they are being unsupportive. Sometimes, giving support means being blunt and telling someone what they don't want to hear. Maybe its just me, but I would rather face the hard truth than have a unicorn horn up my butt.
As someone with hypochondria, which I like calling health anxiety because it sounds better, you have no idea how damaging it is when people tell me to just get over it, or that I'm fine.
This post in particular came from someone who has had a previous loss, envisioned a life with this new baby, and now has to readjust her thinking. Did a couple elements of the post make me go ehhhh, yes. But is it helpful to tell her her feelings aren't valid and she should just suck it up?
So here's a funny positive. I've heard it said/joked that with a boy, you only have to worry about one penis. With a girl, you have to worry about all of them. So there you go.
More (some funny, some serious) positives: You won't have to deal with putting tights on a wiggling baby/toddler, girls tend to end up being little Daddy's girls but you will have a little boy who will love you so much, no dressing and undressing Barbie dolls until you can't take it anymore, so much easier for them to just pee outside without having to deal with going inside in the middle of playing (maybe not such a good idea if you don't have your own, semi-secluded yard...lol), overalls look cute on all babies, no dealing with long hair getting in the way of everything/tears while brushing said long hair, it's totally okay to (sometimes) give in to the side of you that thinks gas is funny because little boys tend to have that type of sense of humor built in......
Think outside the box if you have to but seriously, little boys can be totally awesome.
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012
TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
First, some clarification: I never said I would loathe this child or having a boy is the end of my world. As I said, I am thrilled to have a child at all. I have looked forward to raising children- many children, of both genders-- for years, and I have also stared down the fear that I may never have a child. What I said is that I am dealing with this emotion, wondering if others are too, and asking for help getting back in the right headspace, as obviously, I want to deal with this and move on with loving and enjoying my child.
I didn't state a lot of this as I didn't want to write a full novel, but I suppose the novel is necessary. Leading up to the US, I wouldn't even make "guesses" as to which gender it was when asked, or admit to anything more than a slight "preference" because I didn't want to get too attached to one idea or the other. And also, the first few months were fraught with worry over potential miscarriage, and it took some time to even feel confident once we were past the first trimester. I just wanted a healthy child.
What I expected to feel if it was not a girl was the brief disappointment (like a couple hours or maybe to the end of the day) followed by jumping into being excited for a boy. I was truly shocked when I was having a hard time shaking it. I didn't consciously go in with these huge hopes, but obviously, they were there whether I knew it or not. Idle day dreams since childhood were more deep seated than I realized. I didn't plan to feel this way, nor do I want to, but since when are feelings logical? I can't just deny they exist-- I have to work through them, silly though they may be.
Regarding the clothes, that was my "Ok, let's hurry up and get in a happy excited headspace" attempt. I'm a creative, visual person. Clothes are visual, and allow for some creativity and fun. I mentioned clothes, specifically, because that attempt completely backfired and made me frustrated instead of helping. I didn't go in to it, but I also worked on the baby registry, read articles about boys, and thought about all the amazing little boys I have worked with and known through the years.
There are things I look forward to with raising children, regardless of gender. I look forward to raising them to be respectful and kind and intelligent and very uniquely themselves-- fostering whatever natural talents and curiousities they possess. But that is more like a deep, heartfelt, life mission, and not an excited snap myself out of a funk thing. And THAT is what I am struggling with right now.
And I KNOW that whatever I imagine, no matter what gender, children surprise you. They break expectations. But I haven't met my child yet, and right now, "what ifs" and daydreams are all I have to work with. And even once my child is here, it will take him time to settle into himself and express who he is. In the meantime, possibilities are what fuel me. Those are what I need, and I posted here because I could tell I wasn't seeing all of them. I knew there was a bunch I was missing in the midst of the emotion.
In regards to the circus comment, I don't mean that it's a bad thing at all, and I certainly never said "burden." I WANT that circus-- if possible, I want four or five or more children. It's something I am excited for, someday. But, just a point of fact, it IS more difficult, especially when they are small. More chaotic. More difficult isn't necessarily bad, but it IS a reality. As one poster said, it's the alone time. I worry I won't get a chance to fully enjoy that. And maybe it won't matter, but the worry is there. Again, emotions. We don't choose emotions, just deal with them, and I that's what I'm trying to do.
I posted here despite reservations (I've seen some nastiness in other threads and have really stepped away from the boards since) because I didn't have anyone else who I could talk to about this. Everyone else is too close to the situation, and deserves to have their own feelings without mine interfering. I had hoped maybe those unpleasant threads were isolated cases, but that as this was a pregnancy support group, I would be able to find that encouragement and support. Honestly, I'm glad I wasn't able to read these responses as they came in. Some people clearly are poised to see the worst. I asked for help, and part of me is angry, and part of me is disappointed that people can be like that.
To those who shared things you love about your sons, and posted pictures, and tried to keep the negativity of others at bay, thank you. I will try to look at some of the sites mentioned, think about your words, and look at more baby boy pictures (I didn't think of that, but it helped hugely!) Already, I think I'm on my way to being excited again.
I brought up the circus in my response. Maybe I read that incorrectly. I read it as "I'll be spending all my time taking older children to this practice and that activity and won't be able to enjoy girly things when I do have a girl." So with that thought, I was basically saying, you control just how crazy it gets. I understand now that that isn't so much what you meant by circus.
So much of having more than one child is just being intentional. But instead of worrying about that now, just focus on enjoying the baby. My DH struggles with worrying about the future. I keep telling him that he spends so much time worrying about what might happen, he forgets to enjoy the here and now. So don't do that!!
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012
TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
I lurk. I snark. I offer sound advice if you're not BSC. You may not like me. I'm okay with it.
OP, you might want to go back and reread your original post. I admit to reading it in "whiney voice". Just how it came across to me. I'm glad you can back to explain your feelings a little more. You made it seem like this was a really deep seeded issue, when now it seems like it only came about once learning you were having a boy, and it genuinely caught you by surprise.
Also, shouldnt you take your own advice and scroll past rather than calling people who were trying to offer perspective "rude and unsupportive"? Especially since most of the comments were encouraging and understanding to OP, anyway.
My mother actually taught me to speak the truth in kindness. I'll admit I may not always come across as kind, but when someone asks for advice, I'll give it, and with honesty. If you aren't open to a variety of opinions, the topic shouldn't be brought up. The OP handled herself well, because she knew what she was getting into. She doesn't need you to defend her.
I applaud your honesty and vulnerability. Welcome to motherhood!