This is going to seem like a super dramatic comparison, but stick with me for a minute. If you got attached to the idea of a girl, finding out you're having a boy is like a loss. Obviously not as awful as the actual loss of a child, but a loss nonetheless. You are allowed to mourn that.
After you mourn that, start asking boy moms to tell you about how great their boys are. My mom had one of each, and while she and I have always been close, she has ALWAYS said that she feels sorry for moms who don't have a son. I have many friends with boys who say they are so glad they had sons and not daughters. You adjust, and you get on with it. And if you end up having a daughter down the line, she will have an awesome big brother to look up to and protect her.
I was due in April until I had a loss at 11 weeks. In 2009, I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. In 2011, I was hoping for a girl, but found out it was a boy. It took me a couple days to wrap my head around the idea. But let me assure you that experience was nothing like a loss.
I am terribly sorry for your loss, and congrats on your successful subsequent pregnancy. Again, I said it was NOT like the loss of a child. But it IS the loss of an idea you had in your head. That is why I specified that it was "obviously not like the loss of a child"
You yourself said it took you a few days to adjust to the fact that it wasn't a girl. Doesn't she deserve the same?
You might not realize that the word "loss" is a euphemism for miscarriage. And that may be why people are reacting so negatively to your comment.
I did realize that, which is why I made a point of qualifying the comparison with the statement that it was not like the loss of a child. Being one that believes life begins at conception, a miscarriage, to me, is the loss of a child.
-------- i was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe you didn't realize what you were saying. But I guess guess you did know what you were saying.
So much shade in this thread. I normally stay out (way out) of these kinds of things, but alas, I guess I'm feeling crazy today. I (FTM) personally would have been just as happy with a boy or girl. Found out this week that we are having a boy, and I am totally elated and probably the happiest I've been during this pregnancy. I honestly can't empathize with the feeling of sadness over one gender or the other. But, I will say this. Just because she's disappointed right now, doesn't mean she's a horrible person that will "hate her baby" or make her baby "feel unloved for the entirety of its existence". Chill. Saying she shouldn't have gotten her hopes up for one or the other is really irrelevant and uh, too late? Saying basically, "at least you didn't miscarry!" doesn't help anyone one little bit. I'm quite sure that she'll get used to the idea and love her child just as much as the rest of us will love ours.
So much shade in this thread. I normally stay out (way out) of these kinds of things, but alas, I guess I'm feeling crazy today. I (FTM) personally would have been just as happy with a boy or girl. Found out this week that we are having a boy, and I am totally elated and probably the happiest I've been during this pregnancy. I honestly can't empathize with the feeling of sadness over one gender or the other. But, I will say this. Just because she's disappointed right now, doesn't mean she's a horrible person that will "hate her baby" or make her baby "feel unloved for the entirety of its existence". Chill. Saying she shouldn't have gotten her hopes up for one or the other is really irrelevant and uh, too late? Saying basically, "at least you didn't miscarry!" doesn't help anyone one little bit. I'm quite sure that she'll get used to the idea and love her child just as much as the rest of us will love ours.
I'll tell you why I thought this was going to be a continuous problem she isn't going to just get over:
I wanted a girl first so I could enjoy all the cute little girl things and do little girl activities without having to run a circus of older sibling(s) at the same time. While, of course, I may later have a daughter, not without the circus. And I'm bummed about that. )
She is envisioning her son or any future male children as a "circus" inhibiting the enjoyment of a possible future daughter. To me, this points to some deep seeded disappointment she needs to work out before it comes to that. Pointing that out instead of pouring glitter over her head seems a little more impactful. Male fashion tips aren't going to solve the root problem.
Is the idea of this board to be supportive & helpful or bash & hate? The mommy wars are pointless.
The idea of this public internet forum is to share opinions and just because a lot of the opinions in THIS post differ from the OP, or others within it, it does not mean it is "bashing and hating." I saw a lot of women supporting her, stating they felt the same way. I also saw people pointing out that she may have deeper issues with her "gender disappointment" that she should more closely examine prior to the birth of her son in order to have a healthier relationship with him- which I would constitute as "helpful." She knew when she wrote it that it was a "taboo topic" as she described it, meaning she expected people to be sensitive or disagree. I dont know how the post could have gone differently given what she shared.
BFP #2 4/3/15= ectopic treated with methotrexate 5/1, YET ruptured 5/18/15= One Tube Wonder!
2 Cycles of Femara, Ovidrel, & Progesterone= BFP #3 DS born 5/17/16 TTC #2 March 2017 (initially med free) BFP #4 8/14/17 *natural cycle* EDD= 4/25/18, MC @5-6w D&C 9/22/17 BFP #5 12/29/17 w/ Femara/Ovidrel/Progesterone/Synthroid, EDD= 9/11/18 found out 1/18 ITS di/di TWINS!!! DS and DD born 8/21/18
@Jyoung327 I hear you; your points make sense. The initial posts seemed completely reasonable & thoughtful but when I looked through the ones on the second page (at least on my old phone, not sure if it's that way on everyone's) it got a bit ridiculous. Of course when you post you put yourself out there but when someone is obviously being brutally honest, whether you agree or disagree, I'd hope people could respond with some form of respect. Maybe I'm naive- I haven't been on these type of boards long & probably ought to expect them to be that way. Anyway, I've said my 2 cents so I'll be quiet now!
Edited because my phone & I don't get along- I left out a word.
@Jyoung327 I hear you; your points make sense. The initial posts seemed completely reasonable & thoughtful but when I looked through the ones on the second page (at least on my old phone, not sure if it's that way on everyone's) it got a bit ridiculous. Of course when you post you put yourself out there but when someone is obviously being brutally honest, whether you agree or disagree, I'd hope people could respond with some form of respect. Maybe I'm naive- I haven't been on these type of boards long & probably ought to expect them to be that way. Anyway, I've said my 2 cents so I'll be quiet now!
Edited because my phone & I don't get along- I left out a word.
Thanks for hearing me out. There are a lot of different types of people that are on the boards and yea, many probably agree and disagree with the initial post and posts that followed. But bringing it to such a public place means that anyone can have issue with what somebody has said, whether they knew they were coming across in that way or not. OP can take it or leave it, but I can totally see why a lot of women got upset or irritated. She may not have posted looking for that feedback but I would hope she, or anyone else, would take it as a learning experience instead of just getting defensive in return.
You dont have to be quiet :-) I didnt mean to scare you away.
BFP #2 4/3/15= ectopic treated with methotrexate 5/1, YET ruptured 5/18/15= One Tube Wonder!
2 Cycles of Femara, Ovidrel, & Progesterone= BFP #3 DS born 5/17/16 TTC #2 March 2017 (initially med free) BFP #4 8/14/17 *natural cycle* EDD= 4/25/18, MC @5-6w D&C 9/22/17 BFP #5 12/29/17 w/ Femara/Ovidrel/Progesterone/Synthroid, EDD= 9/11/18 found out 1/18 ITS di/di TWINS!!! DS and DD born 8/21/18
Is the idea of this board to be supportive & helpful or bash & hate? The mommy wars are pointless.
The idea of this public internet forum is to share opinions and just because a lot of the opinions in THIS post differ from the OP, or others within it, it does not mean it is "bashing and hating." I saw a lot of women supporting her, stating they felt the same way. I also saw people pointing out that she may have deeper issues with her "gender disappointment" that she should more closely examine prior to the birth of her son in order to have a healthier relationship with him- which I would constitute as "helpful." She knew when she wrote it that it was a "taboo topic" as she described it, meaning she expected people to be sensitive or disagree. I dont know how the post could have gone differently given what she shared.
I went into my ultrasound with DS#1 knowing with 100% certainly it was a boy. There was no doubt in my mind at all. My husband and everyone else was convinced it was a girl. I just knew otherwise. So you can imagine my surprise when the ultrasound tech says "it's a boy!!!" And my heart sinks and I spend the next several weeks in one heck of a depression over it. I told myself it was stupid, I was EXPECTING the response! Why on earth was I so disappointed? And you know what? I still don't know why. I doubt I ever will. I thought it was the clothes and the room decor and the toys and stuff...it wasn't. I babysat a boy and a girl at the time and I had plenty of connected interest with both sexes. All of that was silly, but it's all I could come up with. To this day, it's all I can come up with. With DS#2 same thing. I went in knowing without a doubt it was a boy. Ultrasound tech says "it's a boy!!!!" Same exact feelings. Only this time, it was worse because not only was I feeling guilt about being disappointed about THIS baby's sex, I had to go home and face the fact that those feelings were the exact same for my son at home. And I felt like the worst mother in the world. And I still do when I think about it. And it's because it's not ok to have these feelings. It's not ok to recognize them and mourn that picture in your head (whether you knew it was there or not). It's not ok "as long as it's healthy". And believe me, gender disappointed carried over for me. It turned into some crazy ppd. I'd never talk about it. I'd never admit it. I cried only when I was alone. I didn't want everyone to know I was a horrible person. And you know what? None of that is even true. You can't control your feelings, as much as everyone is convinced you can. You have to deal with it, work past it, and only then can you be excited for the future. I love my boys with all my heart. I'd give my last breath for them. And I wouldn't trade them for all the girls in the world. Those boys are MINE. They're precious. They're loving. They're talented. They're the cutest things in the whole world (ok that may be a little bias, but it's true). And once you lay your eyes on that baby (yes, it took that long the first time), it doesn't even matter anymore. That little guy is perfect. He's your world. You're his mama. And nothing can change that.
It's ok to be disappointed, I know my husband will be a little bit if it's a girl... I think it's natural to have expectations of our kids we all do weather we admit it or not - sex, how smart they will be, playing an instrument or sport etc. let me reframe it for you - I was expecting a girl and surprised with a little boy!! Your kids will suprize you over and over again for the rest of your life and that's ok because no matter what you are going to love them and be a great mom!!!
You can do it, you will know and understand your little boy better than anyone else even if right now you know nothing about little boys... Your son will be there to show you what he likes too so you won't have to figure it out all by yourself
Woah. No. STAHP.
There was absolutely no shade in this thread. Everyone has been very direct with their thoughts and words. In the words of Dorian Corey:
"Shade is I don't tell you you're ugly but I don't have to tell you because you know you're ugly"
At best, on this thread people have been Read. Shade is a level beyond reading.
Please see Paris is Burning or Jezebels Shade Court for further information.
Lol, okay, I'll be sure to use the correct slang next time. Because that's what matters. You guys sure taught me! I'll just stay out of it next time. Didn't want to get involved and make the thread about a word that I haven't used once in my life, except to post on this controversial little dilemma here.
I actually thought that the first posters on this thread (myself included) did a very good job of undermining gender prescriptions and trying to get OP to recognize how insignificant the baby's sex is to what the child will be like.
That we did so armed with cute fashion choices was, I think, a good way to be both critical and positive.
And, I hope, positive in a way that would allow OP to become excited about the kid she's having without feeling bad about having wanted something different.
I don't think you have to be an ass and point out how fucked up it is to want one or the other and how much damage you can do to a child by being disappointed. We all know that, as the OP mentioned. Yes, there are some weird ideas about sex/gender limitations on this board in general, but there's no reason to shame people.
You can't hate yourself into a healthy place. That goes for physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I have to side with the OP on this one. I think it's only natural to be upset if you were hoping for a certain sex and that's not what baby is. Who's to say her feelings aren't valid?
But, I will say....be upset, get out your disappointment, and move on.
There was absolutely no shade in this thread. Everyone has been very direct with their thoughts and words. In the words of Dorian Corey:
"Shade is I don't tell you you're ugly but I don't have to tell you because you know you're ugly"
At best, on this thread people have been Read. Shade is a level beyond reading.
Please see Paris is Burning or Jezebels Shade Court for further information.
Lol, okay, I'll be sure to use the correct slang next time. Because that's what matters. You guys sure taught me! I'll just stay out of it next time. Didn't want to get involved and make the thread about a word that I haven't used once in my life, except to post on this controversial little dilemma here.
Okay, let's be honest though. Words have meanings. As adults, it's always a good idea to err on the side of caution with our words, especially those we don't know the meanings of. Or to only use words we know the definition of.
Also, I have a nephew and a niece, and honestly there is no difference in the things you get excited about for them.
They're 5 (nephew) and 2 (niece) and while nephew is into pirates right now and niece is into princesses, they both really love crafting and art projects, they both really love playing dress-up and make believe, they both love reading and running around and dancing. Oh, and they both love Daniel Tiger!! Also, trains and safaris seem to be sources of obsession.
The things we get excited for are when they start talking and thinking, when they learn new things: my nephew, when he was 3, pointed to some swaying grass out the car window and said "It looks like green swishyfingers!!!" and we all melted. And niece just learned how to eat watermelon without trying to shove the whole thing in her mouth (it was so cute when she did it wrong, tho!). Kids are just freaking cute, no matter the sex.
My point is just that there is so much to look forward to as a parent, and almost none of it is gender-specific. At least not, in my experience, in the first 5 years!
And, fwiw, niece is *so* much more high energy and less bookish than nephew is. Also more clever, but less emotionally intelligent. They're both super lovely children.
This exactly!
I have 3 nieces and 4 nephews, and they are all so fun in totally different and individual ways. I think that's why I dont really care if the baby is a boy or girl. (Even though my husband wants a boy lol).
You still read the same books, watch the same movies, go to the same parks, play the same games.
Is there any little boy you can hang out with for the day? It might help just to spend some one on one time with a boy, just to see what it might be like
Re: giving fashion advice... You can't hate yourself into a healthy place. That goes for physically, emotionally, and mentally.
This was so perfectly put.
I just don't know what some posters wanted to get across with their replys to the OP. I'm not a fan of rainbows and unicorns but I understand that you can't shame someone into feeling differently. Especially when they state in the original post that they feel guilt over how they're feeling. With the way this thread turned I'm afraid to see what might be said if someone expresses negative emotions and signs of depression postpartum.
Re: giving fashion advice... You can't hate yourself into a healthy place. That goes for physically, emotionally, and mentally.
This was so perfectly put.
I just don't know what some posters wanted to get across with their replys to the OP. I'm not a fan of rainbows and unicorns but I understand that you can't shame someone into feeling differently. Especially when they state in the original post that they feel guilt over how they're feeling. With the way this thread turned I'm afraid to see what might be said if someone expresses negative emotions and signs of depression postpartum.
Woah. PPD vs getting upset you can't dress your kid in frilly dresses? No.
Is that really what you think the original post is about? Dress up? That was just her misguided and maybe even silly grasp as straws to reconcile her true feelings of disappointment. Disappointment that the child she's carrying doesn't match the idea(s) she's created in her mind. Those feelings are real and valid (no matter if you or anyone else here agrees with them). They're also similar to the source of PPD for some women... Disappointment that reality and ideas you had/ have aren't matching.
She was upset about a few things: not being able to find cute clothes, not being able to to the fun girly things while it was just the two of them (without the "circus" I believe is how she put it). Questioning how to raise a boy...
None of that is the same as a hormonal imbalance that can cause a very real and very scary depression. NO ONE on this board would have any negative reaction to someone struggling with PPD and to imply that is ludicrous.
I know several mothers who love their sons or daughters with all their hearts. However, I remember also when they found out the sex and experienced disappointment and how sad and guilty they felt. All of them are now amazing parents so it truly has no impact on your abilities as a mother. Any disappointment a pregnant woman feels will likely be long gone by the time the baby arrives and feeling this way can be normal.
My SO had always envisioned a mini version of me so he had to get used to the idea of having a son. His own relationship with his father wasn't the best and that was his only initial reference point for a father son relationship. In the months since he found out, he's looked at all the other great male role models he had growing up and he's now unbelievably pumped at having a son. It does take time to shift your expectations. Yes, it may seem silly to others in the grand scheme of things. But talking through emotions is usually how to best resolve them, no matter how trivial they seem later on. Good luck to anyone feeling a bit emotional during their pregnancy, for whatever reason.
It's totally normal to feel disappointed one way or the other. You will move on and when you SEE that baby you will be in LOVE and it's just going to seem right - meant to be. I have a son first and then a daughter (with twin boys on the way). We didn't find out the sex with our first two until delivery so it was a different experience. I love so many things about having both a girl and a boy I have to admit I was hoping for one of each with these twins. Every boy and girl has their own personalities - we'll just have to see what these individuals are like! But I must say, my son was a much easier, laid back baby, toddler, preschooler, etc. than my daughter. She's a firecracker of ups and downs. My kids are 3 years apart (the older two). I wouldn't call it a circus. I've been able to enjoy both of them one-on-one with their age gap. Hang in there, you will turn a corner and be excited. Think about team green next time - there's none of 'this'. hehehehe
I appreciate this thread because it has brought to light the reality that parenthood is all about letting go of expectations and control. Our children will be who they are, regardless of our expectations and ideas about who we think they ought to be. And while feelings of a disappointment are certainly "allowed" (we can't help how we feel) it is not ok to allow that kind of thinking to permeate our parenting. It is not ok for our children to feel bad about who they are, to feel that they are not good enough. The sooner we can let go of our expectations of who these LOs should or should not be, regardless of their sex, the easier it will be to parent them with the kind of unconditional love and respect they deserve.
I'm not a fan of rainbows and unicorns but I understand that you can't shame someone into feeling differently. Especially when they state in the original post that they feel guilt over how they're feeling. With the way this thread turned I'm afraid to see what might be said if someone expresses negative emotions and signs of depression postpartum.
Woah. PPD vs getting upset you can't dress your kid in frilly dresses? No.
None of that is the same as a hormonal imbalance that can cause a very real and very scary depression. NO ONE on this board would have any negative reaction to someone struggling with PPD and to imply that is ludicrous.
@Charla1224 made that connection, I thought, because @jessiedee13 had said that gender disappointment contributed to her PPD.
Just because it's hormonal doesn't mean it doesn't feed off of our other concerns and isn't exacerbated by them.
So if someone with PPD is afraid to post here because they're disappointed about gender, as @jessiedee13 was, we're kind of failing as a community.
@kami09 to be clearer... I'm a clinical social worker/ therapist. My comments about depression and its relationship to disappointment are not unfound. Neither are my comments about the ineffectiveness of shaming someone into feeling differently then they do. The hormonal changes a woman experiences postpartum make her more susceptible to depression but one doesn't need to give birth and experience the hormonal imbalances that follow child birth in order to develop depression. Depression can and often does stem from life changes and disappointments.
My point is/ was... We need to consider what type of community we're looking to build here and be mindful that we're still just beginning. More difficult conversations might still be coming. I for one hope we're creating a space where we all feel comfortable being honest with how we feel knowing that others will call us on our shit using facts and considerate conversation not shame and reticule.
When my now 2 and a half year old was an newborn/infant, she was colicky and screamed for hours. I vented on one of my super supportive boards, saying my baby wouldn't stop screaming and it made me want to jump out of a window. I did not actually want to jump out of a window, I did not want harm to come to my baby. I felt isolated and frustrated. It's a darn good thing, because the responses I got were "it sounds like you are a terrible mother" and "sounds like you hate your baby. your baby probably hates you back."
It's reasonable to not expect rainbows and glitter for all, but to allow someone to vent about their feelings, and to give them some validation that they are not terrible people, is an ok thing to do. She didn't say she hates her baby, she didn't say she isn't going to love her baby. She expressed gender disappointment, which is a valid thing. There will be things about parenting that will overwhelm many of us. If you shame everyone who wants to talk about hot button topics, we are just contributing to their feelings of isolation and inadequacy.
@Charla1224 Here's the thing though...this particular poster went on and on and on about clothing. Clothing. Many people (myself included) commented that, yes, sometimes we have a preference one way or the other, but once your baby comes, NONE of that matters.
I think some people told her to check herself, because her original post was very frivolous. & a lot of her reasons (maybe not exactly her reasons but the depth and weight she put to those) seemed a bit immature. She hasn't even come back to say *anything*.
So the way this is all playing out- to compare these two things isn't right. We as a community have shown A LOT of support. I'm not sure if you were around before the exodus...but holy cow. This thread would've been rough.
Just saying, you can't go throwing around accusations that we won't be supportive when someone comes here struggling with PPD. We know the weight and severity of it. & if you think anyone here would say anything negative, then you don't have the same feel of this community as most of us do.
I wanted a girl first so I could enjoy all the cute little girl things and do little girl activities without having to run a circus of older sibling(s) at the same time.
This is one of the parts that gets me because it doesn't have to be that way. Whether you have a girl first, second, or third, you are going to have a "circus" as you call it. As soon as you have more than one child, your attention is automatically divided. You just have to set boundaries and limits so that you aren't dealing with a circus and can enjoy each child and their activities.
I also would like to point out that our ideals are often far from reality. Example: My MIL desperately wanted a girl so she could dress her in frilly dresses, do the tea party thing, wear matching outfits, etc. Never got a girl. When her sons married, she assumed that she would get that (didn't even take into account our personalities). When I was less than 5, I loved all the girly things. Then I stopped liking those things and became who I am today. Just a no-nonsense, no frills kind of girl. So just know that while you may have wanted a girl to do all the girly things with, maybe you wouldn't have gotten that anyway.
Then you take my DD and her bff who happens to be a boy. She is the crazy run around and play type. He is more likely to sit and listen to music or look at books. Boy does not always equal super high energy nor does girl always equal calm and quiet.
It's okay to be disappointed. It's even okay to be disappointed over some of the shallow and petty things like clothes and nursery decor. Just get it out of your system now and start trying to find the positives.
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012 TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
I wanted a girl first so I could enjoy all the cute little girl things and do little girl activities without having to run a circus of older sibling(s) at the same time.
This is one of the parts that gets me because it doesn't have to be that way. Whether you have a girl first, second, or third, you are going to have a "circus" as you call it. As soon as you have more than one child, your attention is automatically divided. You just have to set boundaries and limits so that you aren't dealing with a circus and can enjoy each child and their activities.
I also would like to point out that our ideals are often far from reality. Example: My MIL desperately wanted a girl so she could dress her in frilly dresses, do the tea party thing, wear matching outfits, etc. Never got a girl. When her sons married, she assumed that she would get that (didn't even take into account our personalities). When I was less than 5, I loved all the girly things. Then I stopped liking those things and became who I am today. Just a no-nonsense, no frills kind of girl. So just know that while you may have wanted a girl to do all the girly things with, maybe you wouldn't have gotten that anyway.
Then you take my DD and her bff who happens to be a boy. She is the crazy run around and play type. He is more likely to sit and listen to music or look at books. Boy does not always equal super high energy nor does girl always equal calm and quiet.
It's okay to be disappointed. It's even okay to be disappointed over some of the shallow and petty things like clothes and nursery decor. Just get it out of your system now and start trying to find the positives.
I felt like that was what she was trying to do with her post. Get out her negative feelings and ask for guidance finding the positive. I'm not surprised she hasn't been back to post. It got pretty nasty. I do hope she finds the positives of having a boy.
No judgement here. If our first would have been a boy, it would have taken me and my hubby a bit to digest the news. My sister has 2 boys already and we really wanted to bring the first girl and experience all the girl stuff. I'm a pink and princess type, so a boy would be a whole new learning curve. We'll find out on Christmas what this one is. I've never pictured myself as a mom to a boy, so if that's what it is it's going to take some time to sink in, but how lucky would it be to get to experience both!
Just saying, you can't go throwing around accusations that we won't be supportive when someone comes here struggling with PPD. We know the weight and severity of it. & if you think anyone here would say anything negative, then you don't have the same feel of this community as most of us do.
I hate to bring up a different thread....but I beg to differ...I tried to put on a brave face, but I know how it feels to reveal something you might be embarrassed to say IRL and have to read strangers just mercilessly tearing you down for it. I know I will not be posting any more truly unpopular opinions here and keep my real issues to myself and those I know will not sit behind the safety of their screens and spew hateful and hurtful words, no matter how much you think someone needs a "reality check" or what not.
To OP, disappointment is real and not something to feel ashamed of. Let yourself feel the emotion vs. sucking it up and shaming yourself into pretending you don't feel it. If you don't get it out, you will harbor resentment. I applaud you for putting it out there because it is more common than people like to admit to envision one child/future and then find out it is a slightly different reality. This can come from a sex reveal, finding out you can't BF, needing an emergency CS, having to be on bed rest, etc. We should be allowed to acknowledge that we all come into this with a certain vision of how pregnancy, child birth, and parenting will go and it is a shock to the system to have to revise those thoughts.
I am the mother to an extraordinary 2 year old boy. He is the greatest child I could ever imagine. I personally wanted a boy so I did not feel that same disappointment, but the reasons I wanted a boy were just as "shallow" and silly-sounding as you have been accused of being. I hate the "pink aisle" and anything "girly" so I figured I would just not be good at being a mother to a girl. I thought my son was going to be my only child and now that we are pregnant again (praise the Lord!) I am just so grateful I will gladly take on the unique challenges and opportunities that raising a girl brings. As PPs have mentioned, each child is so individual and my son is very bookish, dare I say nerdy, and very low key. He doesn't play rough and honestly we would not tolerate that from a boy or a girl or a dinosaur. We just don't play rough in our house. Regardless of sex/gender, you set the expectations, but understand that your child will come out with a temperament and personality all their own. Celebrate that while still instilling in them what your values are as a parent. For me, I am adamant that ANY child of mine will be empathetic and compassionate. If that means I have a "sensitive" boy, so be it. Maybe sensitivity and empathy are considered more "feminine" in our society, but I really don't care. My boy will grow into a man who understands that others have feelings and that it is ok to express those feelings and be caring. That is what I love most about my (very "masculine") husband!
As for the clothing and toys, I have found it is so much fun to dress up my little man! Yes, it sounds trivial, but I do not treat him like a dress up doll. The fact is kids need to wear clothes and it is a reflection of your style (and as they grow up, theirs) to wear clothing that makes you (and them) feel good. No one should feel ashamed for that. And I LOVE getting on the floor and playing with trains, or my son's dollhouse, or his play kitchen and play doh. You get to feel like a kid again! You will find the joys of raising your child, no matter what their sex, gender, style, personality.
1) I find it odd that OP would start a thread on such a touchy subject then bounce. OP WHERE ARE YOU??? 2) Comparing this to PPD is a reach. Look at the anti-anxiety thread from last week, and how many of us were quick to support a regular user here that was criticized. I feel that this is an amazing community for support, and that anyone who suffers from PPD will have a place to come to for support if and when that time comes.
I'll be a FTM, too. I had my reveal a few weeks ago, and I was convinced it would be a girl....aaaand then we cut the cake and I was flabbergasted to see bright blue icing. I spent about 5 minutes being sad about losing the little girl I had already spent months building a relationship with in my head. And then I got over it.
Not to beat a dead horse, but you've got to stop looking at your kid as a vehicle to meet your expectations. You're fixating on clothes and color schemes like they matter. No matter the sex, your kid will undoubtedly throw up on your favorite outfit, or outgrow it in 6 seconds if he doesn't. As for color schemes, you can say you only have green or blue to choose from, but with girls you only get pink or lavender. I eschewed all that nonsense; my boy is having a very hungry caterpillar themed nursery with every color in the rainbow.
Long story short, it is what you make of it. And kids are whoever they're meant to be, so stop making it about you. If you think having kids begins and ends with clothes and color schemes, you've got a rude awakening coming your way.
@laurenmdrn16 I'm sorry this happened & I'm not sure what thread you are even talking about. I clearly missed it.
But I have to be honest in saying that nothing I read from other posters was ripping someone down. What I read was (mostly stm) saying that clothing,color schemes, etc are so irrelevant when you actually have the baby in your arms. They were also just hoping that she didn't project these gender ideals she has in her head onto her child...
I'd just like to reach in here and say that if I do get PPD again, and it is VERY likely since I've gotten it twice, this is the last place I will come for support. Anytime anyone different comes on here they get ripped to absolute shreds. That is NOT what you need when suffering PPD. You need support and assurance that you're not a complete piece of shit. You won't find that here. As long as the others on this bmb aren't going through it, then you're exaggerating and being ridiculous and whatever.
Oh course she clung to the clothes. It's a material thing she can grasp onto to explain to not only us, but herself as to why on earth she feels this way. Because to be honest, there is no reason. She just does. She needs time and support to change the image in her head.
Am I comparing gender disappointment to PPD, no I'm not. But I know first hand that unresolved gender disappointment can and will lead to PPD. It sure contributed to mine. Spending 20 weeks of my pregnancy not getting support for it, yeah I felt like a failed mother before it even started. Then to feel it again the second time was worse, because I knew how awesome having a son was. That didn't change my feelings that literally came out of nowhere.
I'd just like to reach in here and say that if I do get PPD again, and it is VERY likely since I've gotten it twice, this is the last place I will come for support. Anytime anyone different comes on here they get ripped to absolute shreds. That is NOT what you need when suffering PPD. You need support and assurance that you're not a complete piece of shit. You won't find that here. As long as the others on this bmb aren't going through it, then you're exaggerating and being ridiculous and whatever.
Oh course she clung to the clothes. It's a material thing she can grasp onto to explain to not only us, but herself as to why on earth she feels this way. Because to be honest, there is no reason. She just does. She needs time and support to change the image in her head.
Am I comparing gender disappointment to PPD, no I'm not. But I know first hand that unresolved gender disappointment can and will lead to PPD. It sure contributed to mine. Spending 20 weeks of my pregnancy not getting support for it, yeah I felt like a failed mother before it even started. Then to feel it again the second time was worse, because I knew how awesome having a son was. That didn't change my feelings that literally came out of nowhere.
That's funny. When I had severe PPA and couldn't eat or sleep, I got amazing support from my BMB. Perhaps you get from the group what you provide to it.
I lurk. I snark. I offer sound advice if you're not BSC. You may not like me. I'm okay with it.
Re: Trying to get excited after gender disappointment
i was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe you didn't realize what you were saying. But I guess guess you did know what you were saying.
2010: Infertility
October 2015: missed miscarriage #2 at 11 weeks (trisomy 22)
I (FTM) personally would have been just as happy with a boy or girl. Found out this week that we are having a boy, and I am totally elated and probably the happiest I've been during this pregnancy. I honestly can't empathize with the feeling of sadness over one gender or the other. But, I will say this.
Just because she's disappointed right now, doesn't mean she's a horrible person that will "hate her baby" or make her baby "feel unloved for the entirety of its existence". Chill. Saying she shouldn't have gotten her hopes up for one or the other is really irrelevant and uh, too late? Saying basically, "at least you didn't miscarry!" doesn't help anyone one little bit.
I'm quite sure that she'll get used to the idea and love her child just as much as the rest of us will love ours.
She is envisioning her son or any future male children as a "circus" inhibiting the enjoyment of a possible future daughter. To me, this points to some deep seeded disappointment she needs to work out before it comes to that. Pointing that out instead of pouring glitter over her head seems a little more impactful. Male fashion tips aren't going to solve the root problem.
TTC #2 March 2017 (initially med free)
BFP #4 8/14/17 *natural cycle* EDD= 4/25/18, MC @5-6w D&C 9/22/17
BFP #5 12/29/17 w/ Femara/Ovidrel/Progesterone/Synthroid, EDD= 9/11/18 found out 1/18 ITS di/di TWINS!!!
DS and DD born 8/21/18
Edited because my phone & I don't get along- I left out a word.
You dont have to be quiet :-) I didnt mean to scare you away.
TTC #2 March 2017 (initially med free)
BFP #4 8/14/17 *natural cycle* EDD= 4/25/18, MC @5-6w D&C 9/22/17
BFP #5 12/29/17 w/ Femara/Ovidrel/Progesterone/Synthroid, EDD= 9/11/18 found out 1/18 ITS di/di TWINS!!!
DS and DD born 8/21/18
Yes. This!
I went into my ultrasound with DS#1 knowing with 100% certainly it was a boy. There was no doubt in my mind at all. My husband and everyone else was convinced it was a girl. I just knew otherwise. So you can imagine my surprise when the ultrasound tech says "it's a boy!!!" And my heart sinks and I spend the next several weeks in one heck of a depression over it. I told myself it was stupid, I was EXPECTING the response! Why on earth was I so disappointed? And you know what? I still don't know why. I doubt I ever will. I thought it was the clothes and the room decor and the toys and stuff...it wasn't. I babysat a boy and a girl at the time and I had plenty of connected interest with both sexes. All of that was silly, but it's all I could come up with. To this day, it's all I can come up with. With DS#2 same thing. I went in knowing without a doubt it was a boy. Ultrasound tech says "it's a boy!!!!" Same exact feelings. Only this time, it was worse because not only was I feeling guilt about being disappointed about THIS baby's sex, I had to go home and face the fact that those feelings were the exact same for my son at home. And I felt like the worst mother in the world. And I still do when I think about it. And it's because it's not ok to have these feelings. It's not ok to recognize them and mourn that picture in your head (whether you knew it was there or not). It's not ok "as long as it's healthy". And believe me, gender disappointed carried over for me. It turned into some crazy ppd. I'd never talk about it. I'd never admit it. I cried only when I was alone. I didn't want everyone to know I was a horrible person. And you know what? None of that is even true. You can't control your feelings, as much as everyone is convinced you can. You have to deal with it, work past it, and only then can you be excited for the future. I love my boys with all my heart. I'd give my last breath for them. And I wouldn't trade them for all the girls in the world. Those boys are MINE. They're precious. They're loving. They're talented. They're the cutest things in the whole world (ok that may be a little bias, but it's true). And once you lay your eyes on that baby (yes, it took that long the first time), it doesn't even matter anymore. That little guy is perfect. He's your world. You're his mama. And nothing can change that.
You can do it, you will know and understand your little boy better than anyone else even if right now you know nothing about little boys... Your son will be there to show you what he likes too so you won't have to figure it out all by yourself
Woah. No. STAHP.
There was absolutely no shade in this thread. Everyone has been very direct with their thoughts and words. In the words of Dorian Corey:
"Shade is I don't tell you you're ugly but I don't have to tell you because you know you're ugly"
At best, on this thread people have been Read. Shade is a level beyond reading.
Please see Paris is Burning or Jezebels Shade Court for further information.
I actually thought that the first posters on this thread (myself included) did a very good job of undermining gender prescriptions and trying to get OP to recognize how insignificant the baby's sex is to what the child will be like.
That we did so armed with cute fashion choices was, I think, a good way to be both critical and positive.
And, I hope, positive in a way that would allow OP to become excited about the kid she's having without feeling bad about having wanted something different.
I don't think you have to be an ass and point out how fucked up it is to want one or the other and how much damage you can do to a child by being disappointed. We all know that, as the OP mentioned. Yes, there are some weird ideas about sex/gender limitations on this board in general, but there's no reason to shame people.
You can't hate yourself into a healthy place. That goes for physically, emotionally, and mentally.
But, I will say....be upset, get out your disappointment, and move on.
Okay, let's be honest though. Words have meanings. As adults, it's always a good idea to err on the side of caution with our words, especially those we don't know the meanings of. Or to only use words we know the definition of.
I have 3 nieces and 4 nephews, and they are all so fun in totally different and individual ways. I think that's why I dont really care if the baby is a boy or girl. (Even though my husband wants a boy lol).
You still read the same books, watch the same movies, go to the same parks, play the same games.
This is brilliantly put, thanks for that.
I just don't know what some posters wanted to get across with their replys to the OP. I'm not a fan of rainbows and unicorns but I understand that you can't shame someone into feeling differently. Especially when they state in the original post that they feel guilt over how they're feeling.
With the way this thread turned I'm afraid to see what might be said if someone expresses negative emotions and signs of depression postpartum.
DD: 05/14/16
Is that really what you think the original post is about? Dress up? That was just her misguided and maybe even silly grasp as straws to reconcile her true feelings of disappointment. Disappointment that the child she's carrying doesn't match the idea(s) she's created in her mind. Those feelings are real and valid (no matter if you or anyone else here agrees with them). They're also similar to the source of PPD for some women... Disappointment that reality and ideas you had/ have aren't matching.
DD: 05/14/16
None of that is the same as a hormonal imbalance that can cause a very real and very scary depression. NO ONE on this board would have any negative reaction to someone struggling with PPD and to imply that is ludicrous.
My SO had always envisioned a mini version of me so he had to get used to the idea of having a son. His own relationship with his father wasn't the best and that was his only initial reference point for a father son relationship. In the months since he found out, he's looked at all the other great male role models he had growing up and he's now unbelievably pumped at having a son. It does take time to shift your expectations. Yes, it may seem silly to others in the grand scheme of things. But talking through emotions is usually how to best resolve them, no matter how trivial they seem later on. Good luck to anyone feeling a bit emotional during their pregnancy, for whatever reason.
Hang in there, you will turn a corner and be excited. Think about team green next time - there's none of 'this'.
Just because it's hormonal doesn't mean it doesn't feed off of our other concerns and isn't exacerbated by them.
So if someone with PPD is afraid to post here because they're disappointed about gender, as @jessiedee13 was, we're kind of failing as a community.
The hormonal changes a woman experiences postpartum make her more susceptible to depression but one doesn't need to give birth and experience the hormonal imbalances that follow child birth in order to develop depression. Depression can and often does stem from life changes and disappointments.
My point is/ was... We need to consider what type of community we're looking to build here and be mindful that we're still just beginning. More difficult conversations might still be coming. I for one hope we're creating a space where we all feel comfortable being honest with how we feel knowing that others will call us on our shit using facts and considerate conversation not shame and reticule.
DD: 05/14/16
It's reasonable to not expect rainbows and glitter for all, but to allow someone to vent about their feelings, and to give them some validation that they are not terrible people, is an ok thing to do. She didn't say she hates her baby, she didn't say she isn't going to love her baby. She expressed gender disappointment, which is a valid thing. There will be things about parenting that will overwhelm many of us. If you shame everyone who wants to talk about hot button topics, we are just contributing to their feelings of isolation and inadequacy.
Here's the thing though...this particular poster went on and on and on about clothing. Clothing. Many people (myself included) commented that, yes, sometimes we have a preference one way or the other, but once your baby comes, NONE of that matters.
I think some people told her to check herself, because her original post was very frivolous. & a lot of her reasons (maybe not exactly her reasons but the depth and weight she put to those) seemed a bit immature. She hasn't even come back to say *anything*.
So the way this is all playing out- to compare these two things isn't right. We as a community have shown A LOT of support. I'm not sure if you were around before the exodus...but holy cow. This thread would've been rough.
Just saying, you can't go throwing around accusations that we won't be supportive when someone comes here struggling with PPD. We know the weight and severity of it. & if you think anyone here would say anything negative, then you don't have the same feel of this community as most of us do.
I also would like to point out that our ideals are often far from reality. Example: My MIL desperately wanted a girl so she could dress her in frilly dresses, do the tea party thing, wear matching outfits, etc. Never got a girl. When her sons married, she assumed that she would get that (didn't even take into account our personalities). When I was less than 5, I loved all the girly things. Then I stopped liking those things and became who I am today. Just a no-nonsense, no frills kind of girl. So just know that while you may have wanted a girl to do all the girly things with, maybe you wouldn't have gotten that anyway.
Then you take my DD and her bff who happens to be a boy. She is the crazy run around and play type. He is more likely to sit and listen to music or look at books. Boy does not always equal super high energy nor does girl always equal calm and quiet.
It's okay to be disappointed. It's even okay to be disappointed over some of the shallow and petty things like clothes and nursery decor. Just get it out of your system now and start trying to find the positives.
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012
TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
I also would like to point out that our ideals are often far from reality. Example: My MIL desperately wanted a girl so she could dress her in frilly dresses, do the tea party thing, wear matching outfits, etc. Never got a girl. When her sons married, she assumed that she would get that (didn't even take into account our personalities). When I was less than 5, I loved all the girly things. Then I stopped liking those things and became who I am today. Just a no-nonsense, no frills kind of girl. So just know that while you may have wanted a girl to do all the girly things with, maybe you wouldn't have gotten that anyway.
Then you take my DD and her bff who happens to be a boy. She is the crazy run around and play type. He is more likely to sit and listen to music or look at books. Boy does not always equal super high energy nor does girl always equal calm and quiet.
It's okay to be disappointed. It's even okay to be disappointed over some of the shallow and petty things like clothes and nursery decor. Just get it out of your system now and start trying to find the positives.
I felt like that was what she was trying to do with her post. Get out her negative feelings and ask for guidance finding the positive. I'm not surprised she hasn't been back to post. It got pretty nasty. I do hope she finds the positives of having a boy.
To OP, disappointment is real and not something to feel ashamed of. Let yourself feel the emotion vs. sucking it up and shaming yourself into pretending you don't feel it. If you don't get it out, you will harbor resentment. I applaud you for putting it out there because it is more common than people like to admit to envision one child/future and then find out it is a slightly different reality. This can come from a sex reveal, finding out you can't BF, needing an emergency CS, having to be on bed rest, etc. We should be allowed to acknowledge that we all come into this with a certain vision of how pregnancy, child birth, and parenting will go and it is a shock to the system to have to revise those thoughts.
I am the mother to an extraordinary 2 year old boy. He is the greatest child I could ever imagine. I personally wanted a boy so I did not feel that same disappointment, but the reasons I wanted a boy were just as "shallow" and silly-sounding as you have been accused of being. I hate the "pink aisle" and anything "girly" so I figured I would just not be good at being a mother to a girl. I thought my son was going to be my only child and now that we are pregnant again (praise the Lord!) I am just so grateful I will gladly take on the unique challenges and opportunities that raising a girl brings. As PPs have mentioned, each child is so individual and my son is very bookish, dare I say nerdy, and very low key. He doesn't play rough and honestly we would not tolerate that from a boy or a girl or a dinosaur. We just don't play rough in our house. Regardless of sex/gender, you set the expectations, but understand that your child will come out with a temperament and personality all their own. Celebrate that while still instilling in them what your values are as a parent. For me, I am adamant that ANY child of mine will be empathetic and compassionate. If that means I have a "sensitive" boy, so be it. Maybe sensitivity and empathy are considered more "feminine" in our society, but I really don't care. My boy will grow into a man who understands that others have feelings and that it is ok to express those feelings and be caring. That is what I love most about my (very "masculine") husband!
As for the clothing and toys, I have found it is so much fun to dress up my little man! Yes, it sounds trivial, but I do not treat him like a dress up doll. The fact is kids need to wear clothes and it is a reflection of your style (and as they grow up, theirs) to wear clothing that makes you (and them) feel good. No one should feel ashamed for that. And I LOVE getting on the floor and playing with trains, or my son's dollhouse, or his play kitchen and play doh. You get to feel like a kid again! You will find the joys of raising your child, no matter what their sex, gender, style, personality.
1) I find it odd that OP would start a thread on such a touchy subject then bounce. OP WHERE ARE YOU???
2) Comparing this to PPD is a reach. Look at the anti-anxiety thread from last week, and how many of us were quick to support a regular user here that was criticized. I feel that this is an amazing community for support, and that anyone who suffers from PPD will have a place to come to for support if and when that time comes.
Not to beat a dead horse, but you've got to stop looking at your kid as a vehicle to meet your expectations. You're fixating on clothes and color schemes like they matter. No matter the sex, your kid will undoubtedly throw up on your favorite outfit, or outgrow it in 6 seconds if he doesn't. As for color schemes, you can say you only have green or blue to choose from, but with girls you only get pink or lavender. I eschewed all that nonsense; my boy is having a very hungry caterpillar themed nursery with every color in the rainbow.
Long story short, it is what you make of it. And kids are whoever they're meant to be, so stop making it about you. If you think having kids begins and ends with clothes and color schemes, you've got a rude awakening coming your way.
But I have to be honest in saying that nothing I read from other posters was ripping someone down. What I read was (mostly stm) saying that clothing,color schemes, etc are so irrelevant when you actually have the baby in your arms. They were also just hoping that she didn't project these gender ideals she has in her head onto her child...
Oh course she clung to the clothes. It's a material thing she can grasp onto to explain to not only us, but herself as to why on earth she feels this way. Because to be honest, there is no reason. She just does. She needs time and support to change the image in her head.
Am I comparing gender disappointment to PPD, no I'm not. But I know first hand that unresolved gender disappointment can and will lead to PPD. It sure contributed to mine. Spending 20 weeks of my pregnancy not getting support for it, yeah I felt like a failed mother before it even started. Then to feel it again the second time was worse, because I knew how awesome having a son was. That didn't change my feelings that literally came out of nowhere.
I lurk. I snark. I offer sound advice if you're not BSC. You may not like me. I'm okay with it.