Trying to get excited after gender disappointment

Cassandramariec · December 2015

I feel like this is a taboo topic, but I can't be the only one...

I had that big ultrasound a few days back, and I've been trying to steel myself for either result (as well as the possibility that we would not get to see that day at all.) Baby was very cooperative on that front-- turns out it's a boy.

My husband wanted a boy first because he wants an older brother for our kids. I wanted a girl first so I could enjoy all the cute little girl things and do little girl activities without having to run a circus of older sibling(s) at the same time. While, of course, I may later have a daughter, not without the circus. And I'm bummed about that.

Obviously, I'm thrilled to be having a child at all, and gotten this far in the pregnancy, given my previous miscarriage. I'm happy everything looks pretty good health-wise (one thing on the watch list, but minor and expected to resolve itself) and I did truly want to have a son someday, but I'm having a harder time getting my mind in the right place.

I've tried to get excited by browsing little boy clothes and nursery planning (I've had ideas for both genders for ages) but for clothes, boy clothes are boooooring. I search "baby boy clothes" on Pinterest, and I found the END. The end of Pinterest, which is supposed to be this neverending void. And I'm not into the snarky/inappropriate sayings on onesies or sports themes. "Little slugger" and such falls flat for me. Nursery shopping, even with a theme I am excited for, is limited in colors. Same ol' blues and greens and oranges and neutrals and such. Nothing feels original.

Then reading articles about little boys-- even the ones that are listing the "best" things actually seemed like downsides. "Easy to dress because everything matches" just reaffirms that my anticipated joy for creating cute ensembles is now not happening. "High energy" scares me-- I am more of a quiet bookish sort, and wouldn't know a baseball from a bowling ball (I exaggerate, but only slightly). None of it is something I can't handle (I work with autistic kids for a living, and the overwhelming majority are boys) but none of this is encouraging either.

What is there to look forward to in raising boys? What can I be excited about? Anyone else in the same boat (with either gender?)

Merciel · December 2015

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I feel like yes, it's a little bit of a taboo to admit to disappointment, but in truth if we get the same news (we haven't done our anatomy scan yet, it's not until NYE), I'll secretly feel the same way. I, too, would prefer to have a girl, and while I honestly would be completely fine and happy with a boy (let's all sing it together: "as long as it's healthy!"), I expect I'd need a little while to adjust.

Having said that, I think that raising a boy would present some interesting challenges and opportunities. How do you raise a good man in this world? A thoughtful, caring, empathetic, yet strong (in a self-confident and emotionally grounded sense, I mean) and assertive man? Someone who can be courtly and polite without being chauvinistic or patronizing? Someone who you'd be happy to see with your imaginary future daughter (or son, who knows!)?

The question of how to raise a boy to become a good man seems so much harder to me than the question of how to raise a girl. I feel like I know how to handle a girl, or at least I think I would. Helping a boy on the road to becoming a good person involves so much more of the unknown to me. Masculinity is so complex and fraught these days.

But there's something really compelling about the challenge, and ultimately I think that's what would appeal to me about it if we did wind up with a boy. I'd look forward to that -- to teaching him how to be the kind of person that I think we need more of in this world.

dshannah · December 2015

You don't sound like a hipster, but they have some of this covered:) Google "hipster baby boy" and look at the images there--I *dare* you not to swoon from all the cute!!!!

And did you see this on Pinterest? I saw your pic on another board and you look like a person who appreciates good suits, so that's another swoon-worthy perk to having a boy!

I know it's rough to expect one thing and get another, but on the good side, the fewer expectations we place on our children, the more we love them for who they are and not what we want them to be. What if baby boy doesn't like sports? What if he's a theater geek instead? Or that bookish kid who goes and hides in the library to finish a book rather than playing outside during recess? Or what if he's a star athlete who is also a theater geek who runs off to the library during recess?

Treat him (aside, perhaps, from the clothing) exactly as you would a girl, and don't expect him to be any more sports-obsessed, high-energy, or protective of his younger siblings than a girl would be. I know that last one from personal experience: it's a big-sibling, not a big-brother, thing to do: DH's big sister beat up kids on the playground for insulting him, and was the scariest person to win over when dating him!

dshannah · December 2015

Also, I have a nephew and a niece, and honestly there is no difference in the things you get excited about for them.

They're 5 (nephew) and 2 (niece) and while nephew is into pirates right now and niece is into princesses, they both really love crafting and art projects, they both really love playing dress-up and make believe, they both love reading and running around and dancing. Oh, and they both love Daniel Tiger!! Also, trains and safaris seem to be sources of obsession.

The things we get excited for are when they start talking and thinking, when they learn new things: my nephew, when he was 3, pointed to some swaying grass out the car window and said "It looks like green swishyfingers!!!" and we all melted. And niece just learned how to eat watermelon without trying to shove the whole thing in her mouth (it was so cute when she did it wrong, tho!). Kids are just freaking cute, no matter the sex.

My point is just that there is so much to look forward to as a parent, and almost none of it is gender-specific. At least not, in my experience, in the first 5 years!

And, fwiw, niece is *so* much more high energy and less bookish than nephew is. Also more clever, but less emotionally intelligent. They're both super lovely children.

dshannah · December 2015

One final post, so sorry...

VESTS!!!!!!!!!

You can do all of womankind a favor and teach baby from an early age to embrace the vest.

(sincerest apologies for the heteronormativity of this post).

lisatib · December 2015

I think your feelings are totally normal, but let me just tell you how amazing boys are!! I have a 3 year old son and 5 year old girl. The way he needs me is so different than the way my daughter needs me. I am his world. Boys have such a love for their mama, words can't describe! He is so much fun to be around, with so little drama.
We do LOTS of suspenders and bow ties. Clothes have came really far for boys too. Old navy has a great selection for boys, infant and toddler.

nbgmom · December 2015

This is going to seem like a super dramatic comparison, but stick with me for a minute. If you got attached to the idea of a girl, finding out you're having a boy is like a loss. Obviously not as awful as the actual loss of a child, but a loss nonetheless. You are allowed to mourn that.

After you mourn that, start asking boy moms to tell you about how great their boys are. My mom had one of each, and while she and I have always been close, she has ALWAYS said that she feels sorry for moms who don't have a son. I have many friends with boys who say they are so glad they had sons and not daughters. You adjust, and you get on with it. And if you end up having a daughter down the line, she will have an awesome big brother to look up to and protect her.

JessicaB0627 · December 2015

nbgmom said:

After you mourn that, start asking boy moms to tell you about how great their boys are. My mom had one of each, and while she and I have always been close, she has ALWAYS said that she feels sorry for moms who don't have a son. I have many friends with boys who say they are so glad they had sons and not daughters. You adjust, and you get on with it. And if you end up having a daughter down the line, she will have an awesome big brother to look up to and protect her.

The one thing that makes me sad knowing I'll never have a boy is that I'll never be able to experience that "mama's boy" love. DD loves me obviously, but she will never love me like she loves her daddy. Their relationship is much different than ours. And now that we know we're having another girl I expect it to be like that with her too.

I do think it's a little silly to get your hopes up about one sex over the other knowing that it could go either way. DD is also extremely high energy but she also loves books and learning. If you gave her the choice between princesses and dinosaurs she would choose dinosaurs every time. She will wear dresses but she will not wear bows or let me do anything to her hair. So even if you had a girl, she may not be what you're expecting.

kbrands7 · December 2015

I agree with PPs in that, if you had your heart set on boy/girl, it's natural to feel let down for a moment. Please don't buy into the negative hype about boys though. I have a toddler son, and another boy on the way, and let me tell you that my son is so loving, protective, charming, and fun-- I'm excited to have another son! If we have a girl down the line, he'll be an amazing big brother to her, and I'm certain that he'll be fantastic with his little brother too. Boys are not necessarily any messier/louder/rougher than girls (though we've had some rough play moments) and don't have to wear sport gear 24-7. Check out gap.com for boy clothes as well as the PP ideas. Boy clothes, hats, etc can actually be really fun!

avalentine81 · December 2015

We are also expecting our first boy and I have seen a lot of cute clothes on etsy too - they have anything you can think of.

lalala2004 · December 2015

I think the best thing you could do is to check your attitude and really think about what you're saying, and how that may come across in your attitude towards your child/future children.

This topic is taboo for good reason. In a culture and society convinced that gender "doesn't matter" the stereotypes placed on people of the opposite sex from such a young age makes me sick. Your child is an individual, and their likes, dislikes, and personality have nothing to do with whether or not they have a penis or a vagina.

You are already assuming your son to be a burden if you have a girl later on! Children can pick up on attitudes and subtle signals. You really need to adjust your way of thinking. Even if you had a daughter, she may turn out to love sports and hate dresses! You don't know.

I'm having a boy and I'm thrilled, and I would be equally as thrilled with a girl. I have no idea what he will enjoy. His father likes musicals and dislikes sports, so there's no telling.

So no, I'm not going to give you ideas about how to "get excited". It's not about you. It's about your son, and your ability to appreciate him as an individual, without your preconceived notions of what a boy will be like.

I know this may sound harsh, but it's a pet peeve of mine, and I feel very sorry for any child whose parent is disappointed in what sexual organ they possess. Genuinely saddens me.

maddenmm · December 2015

I have a 3 yr old son who wears joggers, slouchy beanies, button downs with vests, adorable Polo shirts, and a multitude of other clothing NONE with characters, sayings or cheesy catch phrases. I have found that you have to look harder to find cute/trendy clothing for boys but it is out there... even at Target and Old Navy.

As far as raising a boy, I am not going to lie my son is as high energy as it gets. However, he constantly tells me that he loves me, I am his best friend, he loves spending time with me, misses me when I leave for 5 minutes and is totally in love with me. Loving your child unconditionally is normal as a parent, but I honestly never knew that my son would love ME as much as he does.
My son is also much more go with the flow compared to his girl cousins. We can change plans, sometimes skip a nap, eat lunch in the car and he adapts well.

There are challenges and highs with raising either gender but you will be a great mom because you already love your little one and thats really what matters most.

TheBorg7of9 · December 2015

Here's some food for thought. Why exactly do you want a girl? Because you think a girl will be low energy and look good in dresses? What happens if you have a high energy girl who hates dresses? You are making a lot of assumptions about what your child will be like based solely on his sex organs.
What are the good things about having a boy child? I have two sons and I wouldn't want them to be any different than what they are. I don't love them because they like cars and trains and can pee standing up. I love them because they're my children.

Bltbear82 · December 2015

I'm sure it's hard reconciling what you imagined and hoped for with the reality of the situation. I have a toddler boy and will have another little boy, I always thought I would only have boys, so I would have been surprised to have a girl!

Boys clothes can be adorable too, I promise, it just takes a little more effort. The "little slugger" and "mommy's little man" and matchy stuff aren't my style, so I look for clothes that I really love, but I do the same for myself and enjoy finding cute outfits for my son.

Check out Jcrew, Splendid and Mini Boden, Gap tends to run really big for us so I don't buy as much. All of them have sales periodically and they're less "kid style" and more clothes DH would wear but in smaller sizes, which is exactly what I'm going for. Little Marc Jacobs and Bonpoint are super (super) pricey but they do have sales so I usually keep my eye out and snatch up a few things then.

missnc77 · December 2015

I was a high energy baby girl that hated dresses. My older brother was so well put together and behaved, and my mom told me (lovingly/joking) that I was the terror. I'd go into his room and tear up his organized golden books. I busted my head open on the fireplace. I thought it was fun to fly down stairs in my walker. I threw up everything my mom tried to feed me. Long story short, my mom did not have a low key dainty baby girl. My brother on the other hand was always so well put together and had the most beautiful blond hair as a toddler. We switched as we got older where he's the loud electric guitar player, and I blow my paycheck on make-up and dresses, which makes my mom laugh now.

Boy or girl, you never know the personality of your future baby. Your future little boy may let you dress him to the nines and love music and hate football. That little girl you want could tear off the dresses you put her in and favor basketball and softball over dance recitals. You never know, and either way, you'll love them anyway.

Jyoung327 · December 2015

I tend to agree with PP who point out your thinking appears assumptive and flawed in that boys are expected this and girls expected that. I was one of those tom boys who ripped my pretty braids and pigtails out and got my dresses filthy. I'm a psychologist and I am unendingly frustrated with the idea that as soon as people know penis or vagina it *means everything* and we close the book on so many possibilities and opportunities for children/people because it doesn't match that mindset that someone somewhere developed about what is masculine and feminine. I can understand a degree of disappointment but honestly, you knew this going in you were having one or the other. Its a little much that you assume all the good things yout expected with a daughter are now Caput because it's a son. Why are these two separate things? It's a baby- it has all the same milestones regardless of sex. It will be challenging and fun and exhausting. I also believe, like PP, that you should celebrate your baby's individual interests and quirks without putting so much pressure on him, and yourself, to make him fit some stereotype or dress the cutest. End rant.

lilyandtheoandlulu · December 2015

When we found out our first would be a boy, my first thought was "What am I going to do with a boy?!" I felt so clueless. The truth is, no matter whether your first is a boy or a girl, you are going to be exhausted and overwhelmed at first, just struggling with the newness of everything and taking care of a tiny human. But then, you'll notice that your little one's personality starts to emerge and he'll do the most adorable things and before you know it, you'll be wondering how you lived your life before this amazing child was a part of it. Sorry for the sappiness...but I can't tell you how many times I've thought "Ugh...I can't believe all those cliches about having kids are true." DS is 2.5 now, high-energy, always moving, and excited about becoming a big brother. I wouldn't change a thing about him!
All that to say...your feelings right now are completely normal so don't beat yourself up too much. And just be prepared to have your heart stolen by your precious boy. Congrats!

yogahh · December 2015

I get being disappointed... but what I took away from your post is that you are upset because you don't like boys clothes??? Babies are more than a doll to dress up. Hopefully you can get past this and see the bigger picture. You are having a BABY!! A son, that will adore his mama.

@bltbear82, just an FYI but Jcrew stopped producing the baby line

We still have crewcuts for size 2-16 but baby is gone. There are some items left on sale but that's it. Ive been snagging as much of the gender neutral as I can.

gemini2005 · December 2015

I think it's normal to have a little bit of gender disappointment if you have your heart set on a certain sex. I remember I cried for about two seconds right after I found out my first baby was a boy. I don't think I "preferred" a girl necessarily but I really thought it WAS a girl so I was a bit surprised and a tad let-down. I ended up having a girl next and am now pregnant with another girl. I'm so happy to have my DS as the older brother and I wouldn't exchange him for the world. I don't dress him in clothes that have stupid mottos but I do let him wear Spider-Man gear once in a while! I always say that my DD is my heart but DS is my soul. We have an incredible bond and I feel like he is my mini-me instead of my DD (not that I love her any less it's just that she is more like DH so they are very close). Sorry for rambling but I think once you accept this little boy into your heart you will be over the moon excited.

cortney626 · December 2015

I'm having another girl and we're done after this. So for me, I had to take a minute to mourn the fact that I wouldn't get to experience a son. All of my friends who have boys and girls say their bond with their son is just so different. But that wasn't in the cards for me. I'm supposed to have two girls and my husband and I couldn't be happier. Your reasons for being disappointed are made on assumptions and gender stereotypes. You get excited for your child because it's your child regardless of sex and like pp said, they go through milestones regardless of sex. It's fun to see then roll over, walk, talk, etc. One of my favorite milestones has been seeing my daughter learn to read. She's now 8 and it's amazing what they learn. My daughter is more of a tomboy. She plays soccer and basketball, likes to go fishing, and she just recently starting riding dirt bikes. Which has been another fun milestone! The other night I asked my husband if he's wonder what baby #2 will be like. If she'd get any traits from him or I, or her sister and he said "She's going to be herself." I thought he's absolutely right and I can't wait to experience her!!

kami09 · December 2015

I wanted a girl with my first. I knew he was a boy the whole time. Looking back, I have NO IDEA why I wanted a girl! I guess it was all the cutesy dresses you see at the store...and the cute colors you can decorate the nursery with. But holy cow...I can't imagine one breath without my son. He is a mama's boy through and through and I am completely obsessed with him. I guarantee that if you have a boy, any feeling you had about girls would be gone. AW moment...but just look.at.that.face! ugh. I melt.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/d8/pjm39hgpcqpu.jpg

Mamabeagle · December 2015

nbgmom said:
This is going to seem like a super dramatic comparison, but stick with me for a minute. If you got attached to the idea of a girl, finding out you're having a boy is like a loss. Obviously not as awful as the actual loss of a child, but a loss nonetheless. You are allowed to mourn that.

Nope, it not just a super dramatic comparison but it is a heartless one to make. Having a healthy baby with a penis is the same as losing a child?

Re: sex disappointment, it's fine to have a preference but there is no need to mourn it or admit to loathing a baby for possibly getting in the way of a daughter she may never have.

Sienna516 · December 2015

@Cassandramariec Thanks for being brave enough to post this. I have similar feelings and had wanted to post something similar, but was afraid of the backlash from other people. We had been planning on only have 1 child (my husband only wants one child and I don't think I'm going to want to go through pregnancy/birth twice) and we're having a boy. I am super into crafts (cross stitch, knitting, sewing machine, pinterest crafts, etc.) and had looked forward to showing a daughter about these things (yes, I know she might not have ended up liking it and yes, I know boys could be into some of it, but it's not typical). Me, my mom, and grandma love getting together every weekend to work on crafts together and I had just wanted to carry on this. I also really wanted to make clothes for a girl, I know I can for a boy too, but dresses would have been fun to make. We found out it was a boy about 8 weeks ago, and I am pretty excited for him now. We think we're going to go with Elliot Carter (NN Eli) for the name.
I totally agree with you on the boy's clothes too. I looked at pinterest too and was disappointed with what they had. I would suggest Carter's & Oshkosh B'gosh. I went there for their Veteran's day sale and found ALOT of clothes I liked. Below are the pics of my haul and a little from Amazon. I too hate most of the wordy stuff on clothes, like I really don't need stuff that says "Handsome", or Mommy's little angel or w/e. This is how picky I am: I dislike monkeys, sports,some dinosaur stuff, Mickey Mouse, camo, mustache, dogs, burt's bees, monsters, most space & cars, etc.) All my winter stuff I bought in 9-12 months size, so I hope my mom & I guessed right. Sorry if these pictures are huge...not sure how to do just attachments.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/zy/855kmum8zm2x.jpg

nbgmom · December 2015

@Mamabeagle
Nope, it not just a super dramatic comparison but it is a heartless one to make. Having a healthy baby with a penis is the same as losing a child?

Re: sex disappointment, it's fine to have a preference but there is no need to mourn it or admit to loathing a baby for possibly getting in the way of a daughter she may never have.

I never said having a healthy baby with a penis was like losing one. I am ecstatic about having a healthy baby with a penis. I said mourning the idea that she had gotten attached to was ok. I also don't think she said she loathes her baby. She has to adjust her expectations. There is a lot more to having a child than dressing them in cute clothes and playing sports. I don't think she disputes this fact. I would think, and hope, she is more pleased with the fact she is having a healthy baby than disappointed with the fact it's not the daughter she thought she was having, but that doesn't mean she's not still a little let down because of her expectations.

Jenly17 · December 2015

Cassandramariec said:
I feel like this is a taboo topic, but I can't be the only one...

I had that big ultrasound a few days back, and I've been trying to steel myself for either result (as well as the possibility that we would not get to see that day at all.) Baby was very cooperative on that front-- turns out it's a boy.

My husband wanted a boy first because he wants an older brother for our kids. I wanted a girl first so I could enjoy all the cute little girl things and do little girl activities without having to run a circus of older sibling(s) at the same time. While, of course, I may later have a daughter, not without the circus. And I'm bummed about that.

Obviously, I'm thrilled to be having a child at all, and gotten this far in the pregnancy, given my previous miscarriage. I'm happy everything looks pretty good health-wise (one thing on the watch list, but minor and expected to resolve itself) and I did truly want to have a son someday, but I'm having a harder time getting my mind in the right place.

I've tried to get excited by browsing little boy clothes and nursery planning (I've had ideas for both genders for ages) but for clothes, boy clothes are boooooring. I search "baby boy clothes" on Pinterest, and I found the END. The end of Pinterest, which is supposed to be this neverending void. And I'm not into the snarky/inappropriate sayings on onesies or sports themes. "Little slugger" and such falls flat for me. Nursery shopping, even with a theme I am excited for, is limited in colors. Same ol' blues and greens and oranges and neutrals and such. Nothing feels original.

Then reading articles about little boys-- even the ones that are listing the "best" things actually seemed like downsides. "Easy to dress because everything matches" just reaffirms that my anticipated joy for creating cute ensembles is now not happening. "High energy" scares me-- I am more of a quiet bookish sort, and wouldn't know a baseball from a bowling ball (I exaggerate, but only slightly). None of it is something I can't handle (I work with autistic kids for a living, and the overwhelming majority are boys) but none of this is encouraging either.

What is there to look forward to in raising boys? What can I be excited about? Anyone else in the same boat (with either gender?)

---QBF?--- probably

I think maybe THIS should be your focus. I've never had an mc, but if I did, I wouldn't be fretting about it being a boy or a girl. I'd be thrilled that I made it to 20 weeks (or more) with a healthy, growing baby.

TheBorg7of9 · December 2015

nbgmom said:

This is going to seem like a super dramatic comparison, but stick with me for a minute. If you got attached to the idea of a girl, finding out you're having a boy is like a loss. Obviously not as awful as the actual loss of a child, but a loss nonetheless. You are allowed to mourn that. After you mourn that, start asking boy moms to tell you about how great their boys are. My mom had one of each, and while she and I have always been close, she has ALWAYS said that she feels sorry for moms who don't have a son. I have many friends with boys who say they are so glad they had sons and not daughters. You adjust, and you get on with it. And if you end up having a daughter down the line, she will have an awesome big brother to look up to and protect her.

I was due in April until I had a loss at 11 weeks. In 2009, I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. In 2011, I was hoping for a girl, but found out it was a boy. It took me a couple days to wrap my head around the idea. But let me assure you that experience was nothing like a loss.

kmcc14 · December 2015

I think it's asinine to get "attached" to the idea of your baby being a certain sex when you know that you have a 50/50 chance. If you cannot understand the concept of 50/50 odds and be happy either way, then you should not reproduce. I have dear friends who will never be able to have a biological child of their own, and these petty, self-centered posts by people growing a healthy baby are absolutely infuriating.

nbgmom · December 2015

TheBorg7of9 said:

nbgmom said:

This is going to seem like a super dramatic comparison, but stick with me for a minute. If you got attached to the idea of a girl, finding out you're having a boy is like a loss. Obviously not as awful as the actual loss of a child, but a loss nonetheless. You are allowed to mourn that.

After you mourn that, start asking boy moms to tell you about how great their boys are. My mom had one of each, and while she and I have always been close, she has ALWAYS said that she feels sorry for moms who don't have a son. I have many friends with boys who say they are so glad they had sons and not daughters. You adjust, and you get on with it. And if you end up having a daughter down the line, she will have an awesome big brother to look up to and protect her.

I was due in April until I had a loss at 11 weeks. In 2009, I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. In 2011, I was hoping for a girl, but found out it was a boy. It took me a couple days to wrap my head around the idea. But let me assure you that experience was nothing like a loss.

I am terribly sorry for your loss, and congrats on your successful subsequent pregnancy. Again, I said it was NOT like the loss of a child. But it IS the loss of an idea you had in your head. That is why I specified that it was "obviously not like the loss of a child"

You yourself said it took you a few days to adjust to the fact that it wasn't a girl. Doesn't she deserve the same?

ecwk · December 2015

Cassandramariec said:

What is there to look forward to in raising boys? What can I be excited about?

How about you get excited about the fact you're having a healthy child? Every time I see threads like these I can't help but wonder whether the mothers were aware of the fact they had a 50/50 shot of conceiving either sex. Fx your son never knows the disappointment you feel at the fact he has a penis and that you wish you were having a daughter instead of a son.

And no, @nbgmom having a son is not like having a loss, no matter how much you wanted a daughter. Wtaf.

Sienna516 · December 2015

Hey Ladies, This isn't a thread on airing your opinion on gender disappointment, so how about we stick to helping answer OP's questions with constructive responses? I'm finding it sad how much bashing goes on in some of these threads. We're all going to be mothers and this should be a happy time in our lives. Maybe a few more butterflies & rainbows and less pitchforks?

nbgmom · December 2015

ecwk said:

Cassandramariec said:

What is there to look forward to in raising boys? What can I be excited about?
How about you get excited about the fact you're having a healthy child? Every time I see threads like these I can't help but wonder whether the mothers were aware of the fact they had a 50/50 shot of conceiving either sex. Fx your son never knows the disappointment you feel at the fact he has a penis and that you wish you were having a daughter instead of a son.

And no, @nbgmom having a son is not like having a loss, no matter how much you wanted a daughter. Wtaf.

Seriously, read the previous responses. I am having a boy and I am thrilled. I specifically said it is not like the loss of a child but it is the loss of an image she had in her head. You've never gotten your heart set on something and then had to readjust your thoughts when it didn't work exactly the way you expected? I'm jealous.

ecwk · December 2015

nbgmom said:

ecwk said:

Cassandramariec said:

What is there to look forward to in raising boys? What can I be excited about?
How about you get excited about the fact you're having a healthy child? Every time I see threads like these I can't help but wonder whether the mothers were aware of the fact they had a 50/50 shot of conceiving either sex. Fx your son never knows the disappointment you feel at the fact he has a penis and that you wish you were having a daughter instead of a son.

And no, @nbgmom having a son is not like having a loss, no matter how much you wanted a daughter. Wtaf.

Seriously, read the previous responses. I am having a boy and I am thrilled. I specifically said it is not like the loss of a child but it is the loss of an image she had in her head. You've never gotten your heart set on something and then had to readjust your thoughts when it didn't work exactly the way you expected? I'm jealous.

With all due respect, I'm not foolish enough to "expect" to have conceived either sex and getting my heart set on something that I know only has a 50/50 shot of being true is not something I would allow myself to indulge in.

lalala2004 · December 2015

Sienna516 said:
Hey Ladies, This isn't a thread on airing your opinion on gender disappointment, so how about we stick to helping answer OP's questions with constructive responses? I'm finding it sad how much bashing goes on in some of these threads. We're all going to be mothers and this should be a happy time in our lives. Maybe a few more butterflies & rainbows and less pitchforks?

The rainbows and butterflies to "cheer up" the OP don't give her the attitude check she needs. This attitude is whiney and selfish, not considering your child's feelings. The best advice she could get is to get over her misconceptions and preconceived notions so her son doesn't recognize her disappointment.

Soontobejones33 · December 2015

I understand what you're saying OP. I didn't even know I wanted a particular gender until I found out it was the opposite. It took a second to adjust the image in my head. I had an awesome name and everything. Maybe I'll do another and get to use it. Anyway. I feel you on the clothes to. But there are up snd downs to both genders clothes. Girls csn be overly fussy and boys can be boring. I know I'll love my child no matter what so I focus on wondering what the personality will be like. I've got nieces and nephews and they are all over the place personality wise, from high energy to chill. None of them gender specific. I plan to let my child grow as they want without strict expectations of the gender. Not sure my husband will be cooperative though.

And I hope you're able to take the positive information from this thread and feel better come May. And remember we are all riding high on pregnancy hormones

.

kmcc14 · December 2015

lalala2004 said:

Hey Ladies, This isn't a thread on airing your opinion on gender disappointment, so how about we stick to helping answer OP's questions with constructive responses? I'm finding it sad how much bashing goes on in some of these threads. We're all going to be mothers and this should be a happy time in our lives. Maybe a few more butterflies & rainbows and less pitchforks?
The rainbows and butterflies to "cheer up" the OP don't give her the attitude check she needs. This attitude is whiney and selfish, not considering your child's feelings. The best advice she could get is to get over her misconceptions and preconceived notions so her son doesn't recognize her disappointment.

Mamabeagle · December 2015

nbgmom said:
This is going to seem like a super dramatic comparison, but stick with me for a minute. If you got attached to the idea of a girl, finding out you're having a boy is like a loss.

You're right, I have no idea where I got the idea that you had compared having a baby boy with having a loss. My apologies.

nbgmom · December 2015

Mamabeagle said:

nbgmom said:
This is going to seem like a super dramatic comparison, but stick with me for a minute. If you got attached to the idea of a girl, finding out you're having a boy is like a loss.
You're right, I have no idea where I got the idea that you had compared having a baby boy with having a loss. My apologies.

Bravo on skipping the next line that says "obviously not the same as the loss of a child"

nbgmom · December 2015

I lost a pair of boots once. I was pretty sad. I didn't say to myself "those boots were like my baby." I still lost my boots. I was still sad.

TheBorg7of9 · December 2015

nbgmom said:

nbgmom said:

This is going to seem like a super dramatic comparison, but stick with me for a minute. If you got attached to the idea of a girl, finding out you're having a boy is like a loss. Obviously not as awful as the actual loss of a child, but a loss nonetheless. You are allowed to mourn that. After you mourn that, start asking boy moms to tell you about how great their boys are. My mom had one of each, and while she and I have always been close, she has ALWAYS said that she feels sorry for moms who don't have a son. I have many friends with boys who say they are so glad they had sons and not daughters. You adjust, and you get on with it. And if you end up having a daughter down the line, she will have an awesome big brother to look up to and protect her.

I was due in April until I had a loss at 11 weeks. In 2009, I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. In 2011, I was hoping for a girl, but found out it was a boy. It took me a couple days to wrap my head around the idea. But let me assure you that experience was nothing like a loss.
I am terribly sorry for your loss, and congrats on your successful subsequent pregnancy. Again, I said it was NOT like the loss of a child. But it IS the loss of an idea you had in your head. That is why I specified that it was "obviously not like the loss of a child" You yourself said it took you a few days to adjust to the fact that it wasn't a girl. Doesn't she deserve the same?

You might not realize that the word "loss" is a euphemism for miscarriage. And that may be why people are reacting so negatively to your comment.

nbgmom · December 2015

TheBorg7of9 said:

nbgmom said:

TheBorg7of9 said:

nbgmom said:

This is going to seem like a super dramatic comparison, but stick with me for a minute. If you got attached to the idea of a girl, finding out you're having a boy is like a loss. Obviously not as awful as the actual loss of a child, but a loss nonetheless. You are allowed to mourn that.

After you mourn that, start asking boy moms to tell you about how great their boys are. My mom had one of each, and while she and I have always been close, she has ALWAYS said that she feels sorry for moms who don't have a son. I have many friends with boys who say they are so glad they had sons and not daughters. You adjust, and you get on with it. And if you end up having a daughter down the line, she will have an awesome big brother to look up to and protect her.

I was due in April until I had a loss at 11 weeks. In 2009, I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. In 2011, I was hoping for a girl, but found out it was a boy. It took me a couple days to wrap my head around the idea. But let me assure you that experience was nothing like a loss.

I am terribly sorry for your loss, and congrats on your successful subsequent pregnancy. Again, I said it was NOT like the loss of a child. But it IS the loss of an idea you had in your head. That is why I specified that it was "obviously not like the loss of a child"

You yourself said it took you a few days to adjust to the fact that it wasn't a girl. Doesn't she deserve the same?

You might not realize that the word "loss" is a euphemism for miscarriage. And that may be why people are reacting so negatively to your comment.

I did realize that, which is why I made a point of qualifying the comparison with the statement that it was not like the loss of a child. Being one that believes life begins at conception, a miscarriage, to me, is the loss of a child.

cups04 · December 2015

I am a lurker and understand the feeling of disappointment, but the I'm so lost on the fact that cute clothes would make this better. When your baby comes and you realize any sleeper with a zipper is your savior when they inevitably get it dirty or messy 10 times a day, clothes don't matter. You'll get past this and it may take a few weeks even after birth, but clothes are not the answer. Even cute clothes are a hassle when they are barrel rolling through diaper changes.

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