Needing help with SO family

Knottie1452016449 · December 2015

My SO and I have been together about seven years and this pregnancy was a huge surprise... Not planned at all but very happy about it. His mother sat us down when she found out telling us we should think about abortion because we aren't married and all of this Bologna. I cried.. The next day my SO got into a car accident that tore off his arm and basically he broke his neck in many places, his ribs, and lost most movement of his arm when sewed back together. Right now he moved back with his mom so he could get 24/7 care and she is on my last nerve everyone. I need help. She keeps talking about when the baby is born how she is making a nursery and she wants to have a baby shower for me for all the stuff my SO will need for her house. Am I being dramatic when I say I am furious? I have talked with him numerous times he knows I am not letting the baby stay here overnight without me. The baby will not be living here. It will be with me until he gets better then he will move back in. Why would I have 50/50 time when he can't do much? His mom would have to. There is no reason to have a nursery there or to have a baby shower for stuff for him. I just don't understand and don't know a nice way to put it that that won't be happening. I will be breastfeeding and I just think that's crazy to ask of me to give the baby up for nights.

BuzzBee614 · December 2015

I would be frustrated in your situation. I understand he would need to move in with his mom if he needs that level of care, but when does he plan on moving back in? If it's only for a few more months than he'd be back with you shortly after he baby is born. If you're planning to breastfeed, I think overnights without you are out of the question unless this became a custody thing. It sounds like you are still together though, so this is something that needs to be worked or between the two of you.

I have a difficult mother in law at times, but I tell my husband he needs to be the one to intervene. It is his mother. If something about my mother irritates him, then I intervene and say something to her. The difference is I have no problem telling my mom what to do...

I think your first step is to sit down and have a serious talk with your SO about these concerns. You should ask him what his expectations are for seeing the baby and participating in the first few months. You should also be clear about you not wanting the baby to spend the night without you. This sounds like his mother thinks he'll be there forever and she has major boundary issues.

Sorry you're going through this!

jewels1020 · December 2015

I agree you need to have a serious talk with your SO and he needs to talk with his mom I'm sorry you are having to deal with this!

jewels1020 · December 2015

I agree you need to have a serious talk with your SO and he needs to talk with his mom I'm sorry you are having to deal with this!

gamommyx3 · December 2015

I'm confused - IS this a custody thing? Because it seems like she's assuming he's not moving back in. Having a shower for her as the grandmother (which is what you're describing) is a very odd thing IMO. I mean, even in the event that the parents a broken up, idk if I've ever heard of having a shower for each parent.

Also, it's strange that she went from "you should terminate" to "I get your baby half the time."

I honestly don't mean this to sound harsh...but is it possible that your SO has told her he doesn't plan to live with you anymore?

cortney626 · December 2015

Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you're not staying with him. Maybe his mom thinks when the baby's born, you'll be staying there more with the baby and be closer to your SO. I wouldn't want to be away from DH even if he needed care. You can always tell her that she can set up a pack n play for when the baby is over when you guys visit, etc. I would be irritated and frustrated if she thought she was going to have my kid 50% of the time. There has to be more to the story. Maybe she is expecting you guys to stay over there more and want you and the baby to be comfortable or your SO has expressed that he wants the baby over there more versus living alone. Either way a conversation with SO needs to happen and he can put his mom in her place. Good luck.

Knottie1452016449 · December 2015

It doesn't sound harsh but no. He's never said anything. It's with his long road to recovery it could be years because of all the surgeries he's going to be needing. I think she is just over protective. She's always like this and it's so annoying because my SO is the total opposite. He hates confrontation or even to talk about problems and with everything he's going through I hate putting this on his plate to be stressed out about when I'm the one complaining. She wants to have the baby shower "for me" but for stuff at her house which I think is kind of rude. Like she is using me as a pawn almost. Like it's not my stuff why should I be there?

Kurrant · December 2015

I'm not saying this is the solution that you should use but if I were in this position and my SO wouldn't talk to his mother to resolve this issue like PPs have said I wouldn't go to any shower she is holding. It isn't for you. Its for her. She can sit there like a big dufus and open gifts when she isn't even pregnant if she is planning to keep the baby's gifts. Are you having a shower aside from this one?

Knottie1452016449 · December 2015

Yes! My sisters are already planning me one. That's why when she said that I was like uhhhh what? Lol

gamommyx3 · December 2015

Yeah I agree? I'd say no thanks to a shower & wouldn't go if she had one anyway...that's crazy. Maybe you can tell her that you'll register for an extra pnp & other travel stuff to leave at her house...or she can buy that stuff instead of getting you a gift.

dshannah · December 2015

I hate to suggest this, but as it sounds like she is trying to be a good person and take care of her son in such a way that he gets both the best care and to see his child...

You might want to consider moving in with SO and his mother. She's got space for a nursery, so she'll have space for you, and this way baby and SO get the care and attention they deserve. It sucks, I know, and it sounds like you don't have the best relationship with SO's mom, but have you given thought to what it would be like for you to have a newborn *and* a needy partner to take care of? You will be run ragged.

If you move in with SO and mom, you can pay rent and still save $$ for the future, and you can have constant care for baby, SO, and, let's face it, yourself. You are going to need recovery time, too.

TheThornBird · December 2015

Ugh, sorry you are going through this. I get that he's an a position where he may feel awkward laying down the law with his mom- since she is taking care of him- but it's not fair to you.

Legally, I'm pretty sure you are fine (my dad works in family law). No judge in his right mind would rule that an infant spend the night away from its mother; typically they just have supervised visits at the mom's place. Totally ridiculous for your SO's mom to expect the baby to sleep over. Plus doesn't she have enough on her plate without having an infant to take care of?

You already told her you're not doing sleepovers. I'd leave it at that rather than keep trying to push the issue. If she throws a shower and gets a bunch of stuff she'll never use, sucks for her. Don't go to the shower if you don't want to, especially if it'll cause arguments. Try not to get too emotional- you can't control her thoughts or actions, and she'll probably never agree with you. That's on her, and the added stress isn't good for you or the baby.

Merciel · December 2015

Ordinarily I'd be all for letting your SO take point in dealing with his mom, but if he's severely injured to the point of needing 24/7 care and potentially years to recover, that might not be possible in this specific instance. Even if the will is there -- and if he's the nonconfrontational type who hates to even talk about problems, it might not be -- the ability to hold his ground is likely impaired. So probably you're going to have to handle it on your own, albeit (hopefully) with support.

From your first post I'm not clear on the proposed arrangement. Is the idea that the baby will have to stay at his house sometimes because he isn't able to leave and needs to be able to have time with the child? If so, why can't you be there too?

kbrands7 · December 2015

This sounds like a very difficult situation. I'm sorry that you're going through this. From what you have told us, it sounds like your SO's mother is very protective and likes to be in control. It's wonderful that she is able to help her son recover, but you need to make it clear that she is not caring for your baby-- you are. If you'll be spending some nights there to be with your SO, it's a great idea to have a pack n play for the house, but a full nursery is just not necessary unless you're moving in. As you stated before, especially if you're planning to breastfeed, it's important that you don't spend the night away from your infant (and it would be emotionally difficult no matter the feeding arrangements!). Maybe have the conversation with your SO present, but take the lead so that he just needs to back you up since he isn't confrontational and has already been through so much. Be aware though that if she is as persistent as she sounds, this may take multiple confrontations. Just try your best to be firm, but calm (if only because your SO is stuck with her for now). Good luck! ::hugs::

cortney626 · December 2015

I don't mean to be insensitive, I'm just trying to wrap my head around some things. If you guys live separately and his recovery will take years, what will you do after the baby is born? Continue to live separately? Stay at his mom's every now and then? You said she wanted you to have a shower but for some gear for her house. That doesn't translate into a shower for her. I can't imagine what you're going through with your SO being in such an accident with a long road of recovery ahead and being pregnant. Can't be easy for his mom either. She's taking care of him and probably just wants the best for his family. She probably wants the baby around him too. I would communicate with his mom what your expectations are for the upcoming months. She's probably not coming from a bad place. Sounds like a stressful situation on both parties when it should be a joyous time and I'm sure everyone's a little more sensitive with all that has happened.

Knottie1452016449 · December 2015

I get what all of you are saying 100%! It's such a hard situation.. When it all happened and I knew he was moving back with his mom I moved back with my parents. I also have Lyme Disease so I knew with this pregnancy and afterward not having my SO was going to be a hard situation. His mom smokes and smokes in the house and has a boyfriend who is mine and my SOs age who I don't know very well that I don't feel comfortable living there. Maybe I sound like a brat but I don't. I know that it would maybe be easier on my boyfriend but I think that I need to be comfortable too and I definitely wouldn't. Especially when I am sick a lot too. (Not anywhere near his amount so I shouldn't even complain lol) I do have a good relationship with his mom. She's just very protective like I said and either SO or I are the confronting type. I do plan to stay nights over there once in a while but that's about it. It's just tough because I obviously want SO there all the time but he can't be. He's always been my rock so it's so hard thinking to be without him but I think I have to do also what's right for the baby and I. I'm not trying to keep him away or anything like that I will be around him as much as I can I just think her wanting overnights without me is tough for me to handle. I think she is coming from a good place. It's just hard on me. This literally sounds like a TV show. Sorry girls! Lol

dshannah · December 2015

@emaug1 Not much you can do about the boyfriend except to get to know him better, but can you ask your SO's mom to quit smoking (or at least quit smoking inside) so you can move in? Not only is it better for baby, but it is better for you: I know secondhand smoke exacerbates Lyme symptoms. And, of course, it is better for her and for her son. If she's overprotective, it's not an off-base request. And just think of the money she'll save (that she can spend on baby!) and the years she will add to her life (which she can spend with baby!).

Just a thought.

Want a personalized experience?

Needing help with SO family

Re: Needing help with SO family

Choose Another Board

Search Boards