Still Haven't Told My Employer

kaitlyn592 · December 2015

This may sound absolutely crazy but I'm 22 weeks and I still haven't told my employer. I've been able to hide the bump with larger clothes and I sit at a desk most of the day. Or who knows, maybe I'm not hiding it as well as I think but no one has said anything.

I have many reasons for not telling them. I'm 23, I've only been out of college for about a year and a half, and I've been here since then but I still feel very new. The structure of our company is changing and I fear for my job security because of that. Our CEO is leaving in the new year and just about everyone in my department is concerned about their jobs. I know I can't get fired for being pregnant, I just wonder if it will make me less "neccessary".

I work with literally all women...my entire department is women at least twice my age who have long since finished having their children . They often complain when women in other departments take the full 3 months of maternity leave. I only plan on taking the minimum 6-8 weeks, but still fear their judgments about being gone for that period of time.

Lastly, I'm unmarried but in a serious relationship. I know that I'm certainly not the only one, but again, I fear their judgements. My boss especially is an older, conservative woman. I value her approval the most and I'm just riddled with fear every time I think of walking into her office and getting the words out. I've had to deal with judgements and disapproval from my family because I am unmarried and work is my only haven away from it.

I keep putting this off. I was going to wait until the 12 week mark, then I was going to wait for the anatomy scan, now I'm just telling myself I'll wait until a good opportunity arises but it never happens. I don't know if my confidence can take any more beating. I feel so insecure and paranoid that they will just be talking and disapproving behind my back.

Please, any advice or stories of your own would be so helpful. I know my situation is strange and many of you will think I just need to rip off the bandaid, so I could really use some confidence boosters.

rebelone · December 2015

Do you have an HR department you can consult with before you contact your boss?

kaitlyn592 · December 2015

@rebelone yes, there is an HR department but what could they do to help?

spicedice · December 2015

Legally, you only have to tell them at least 2 weeks before you could go into labor, so if you want to keep it to yourself for another 10 weeks, that's up to you!

People would gossip even if you were married, so don't let that stop you from telling your boss it coworkers. I bet you anything my coworkers say things behind my back about being pregnant again, since half of them think DS1 is still a baby. I've gotten the "didn't you just come back from maternity leave" joke dozens of times since I told people.

I would contact HR and then talk to your boss. That's what I've done with both of my pregnancies.

yodiggity · December 2015

It may reflect poorly on you to wait much longer. My company plans to hire a temp to fill in for me while i'm on maternity leave. It would be shitty to not give them a heads up.

You'll need to work with your HR dept anyway to go over your leave, short term disability, fmla as well as adding LO to your insurance plan if those are the steps you are planning to take.

It's certainly your right to wait but *I* wouldn't wait much longer if I were you.

sarahufl · December 2015

Meh, I waited till 20 weeks. And it was literally only because about 14 people asked me if I was pregnant one day and I decided jackets and scarves weren't going to cut it anymore.

I work with a ton of women who are either pregnant or recently had babies. And the commentary from our bosses about their leaves and how inconvenient it was for them really pissed me off, so I decided not to say anything. Plus, there are lots of nosy gossips in my office and I didn't want to deal with their comments either.

That said, I had no fear of losing my job (I have lots and lots of job security due to the nature of my role) and I knew they wouldn't make it hard for me to stay- if anything, they would try to make it hard for me to leave.

As for the being unmarried thing, screw them. That isn't their business at all.

What do you plan to do? Take the leave then return? Maybe come up with a proposed leave schedule/ideas for a temp/replacement and present it to them when you do go in to tell them about your pregnancy. That way, it is clear you had given it thought and consideration and are dedicated to returning.

misstopsail · December 2015

First of all, you're entitled to take 3 months.. So if you can afford it, I would.
I told my direct boss first, followed closely by HR. I was nervous, almost in tears when I told my boss, and he was thrilled for me.. As was HR and everyone else. They can't fire you for being pregnant, but I wouldn't wait much longer.. I'd go in with a list of your tasks and suggestions for coverage. My boss quickly said 'we'll take care of that later, don't stress about it', but I'm glad I had it ready.

You'll be fine! Congrats on the baby!

Monicagail1 · December 2015

For my second pregnancy I waited until almost 32 weeks to disclose my pregnancy. At that time I was hoping for a promotion to a new job and didn't want the pregnancy to impact that process. Even though I know legally it shouldn't, things happen.

Once I learned I was not selected for that promotion I shared my news. Everyone was supportive, and shocked quite frankly. I haven't really shown much in either of my pregnancies and it wasn't too hard to hide. I took 11 weeks of maternity leave, and oddly enough was promoted to a different position 2 months after returning from mat leave.

UnbreakableKimmySchmidt · December 2015

It might be time for you to at least tell HR. They will keep your pregnancy confidential until you tell your boss/co-workers. I disagree with other comments about you having to have ideas about a replacement, etc. I told my HR department and they specifically told me "not to worry about that." There is a lot on your plate right now and you don't have to be stressed about work replacements too. It would probably be helpful to have a list of what needs to be done when you are out.

I was nervous about telling my boss/co-workers too but they all had positive reactions. Honestly, your co-workers may be suspecting anyway if you are past 20 weeks and have been taking time off for doctor appointments. My saltine crackers in the first trimester gave me away (although no one said anything until I shared the news!).

Also, if you can take more than 6-8 weeks off, you should. You don't know how the labor/delivery is going to go and your body may need more time to heal (especially if you have a C-section)-- I'm saying this for myself too!

Good luck, you can do it!

kaitlyn592 · December 2015

I'm back!! I apologize for not responding to you all sooner--things have been hectic, lame excuses, etc.

I do see the value in contacting HR--I never realized the importance before, I always just thought I would go to them later once I told my bosses. I have made an appointment to talk to them.

As far as how much time I plan to take off, I honestly can't afford to take off more than the required 6-8 weeks. I would LOVE to stay home with my baby for longer, it's just not possible with our financial situation.

I do have plans and ideas on how to cover my current work responsibilities. But it's hilariously ironic, just as I expressed my job insecurities to you all, my boss pulled me into her office. The Chief Medical Officer (I work for a large hospital) wanted her to tell me that my job is only going to become more important and there will only be more work for me to come. Here I was worrying about my job because of these structural changes, only to find out its going in the opposite direction for me. My boss assured me that I was needed and that they wanted me to stay. I almost laughed in her face when she told me that. I couldn't believe that my biggest fear of telling them was suddenly turned on a dime.

Now here I am, full of anxiety about the situation because now I'm going to tell them I'm going on leave when my job becomes MORE important.

Anyway, I want to thank you all for the advice. I know I really do need to gather up the courage, stop concerning myself with what they will think, and get it over with soon.

seasalt123 · December 2015

I think now is a great time to tell your boss. After you chat with HR, book an appointment with her and let her know as soon as possible. She's shown how much she values you by letting you know your role will expand. Employers do this with important employees they consider a flight risk during times of imminent restructure. She clearly doesn't want you to leave and you will be so relieved once it's out in the open.

jkeezy · December 2015

I would check your legal requirements - in the UK you have to tell your employer by the 25th week of pregnancy and have completed the government paperwork in order to be eligible for statutory maternity pay. Most employers here require their own HR processes to be complete by that stage too if they offer additional maternity benefits.

There's also something about 'the right thing to do' professionally - I'm sure they'd appreciate as much advance notice as possible, and for you, once your employer knows they have a formal duty of care responsibility to you so if you need anything to help you continue work eg a more supportive chair etc they can provide - again, this is UK legislation but I'm sure the US will have similar laws in place.

Good Luck and remember - this is Very Good News. You have nothing to apologise for - you're having a baby! This is something to celebrate!!!

kaitlyn592 · December 2015

@jkeezy I did contact HR and very surprisingly, they told me I only need to contact them 30 days before my due date to complete the required paperwork. So apparently that is my only legal requirement for them! It confuses me that they'd wait so long, but at the same time, I work for a very large medical system so they deal with this all the time. It is just my office/department that is small.

I believe someone mentioned the US's legal requirements for telling bosses earlier in this feed, but I really don't plan on waiting that long anyway. Just as a personal moral, I want to tell them so that we have plenty of time to find ways to cover my responsibilities. I think that is why I feel so guilty & torn about waiting this long, despite my justified reasons for waiting.

But I appreciate your kind words. You're exactly right, it is very good news and I'm trying to keep that in mind. I've finally given myself a deadline to tell them before we all leave for holiday break next week. That gives me 3 days to find a private time to talk to my boss and then share it with the rest of the office!

fourtsixand2 · December 2015

Everyone has their own opinion or preference on this, but if I were in your shoes I think I would tell them sooner rather than later.

For me, it was nice to have the support of my department and share my excitement with them.

Additionally, I agree with the other poster who said it might reflect poorly if you wait much longer. True that it's your body and your decision, but it's always a great idea to be proactive and also a good chance to speak with your employer and find out what your benefits and procedures are.

Since this is my first baby, there was so much I didn't know about maternity leave/FMLA and it was informative to know what I need to be aware of and prepare for after baby is born (time frame to add baby to insurance, forms to submit, etc).

Good luck!!!

UnbreakableKimmySchmidt · December 2015

I'm guessing you just have to have your FMLA paperwork in 30 days before your DD. My HR department gave me the paperwork right away but said they didn't need it back until it got closer.

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