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Don't understand the 'need' to have the 1st, but am worried about...

michellabananamichellabanana member
in 2nd Trimester
I guess because I'm number 5 of 6, I've never been the first at anything lol ( I did think I was the first girl to graduate college in my family, but then my dad pointed out my cousin was... It's like "c'mon dad, give me something" lol).

My baby will be my parents 8th grandbaby. My nieces and nephews are all so special and different, it doesn't seem to matter which number they were. (My mom actually seems to be closest to #2 and #6. Lol , but those are the ones that seem to need her the most)

I remember when my brother and sil had their first baby. Everyone was kind of nervous and didn't really know what to do, but of course we were all excited!

I love having my nieces and nephews to share this with. They have so many questions and are so excited about it! (They love watching the videos of when the baby is like only a couple weeks and it looks like an alien lol). Plus they are so excited about the parties! At the gender reveal party they will win a prize if they guess right...but if they guess wrong they have to help me paint the baby room! (It's so funny to hear a 7 and 11 year old argue about why it was going to be a girl or a boy)

But...
What I am most worried about is if my child has an intellectual or physical disability. I'm a special ed teacher, so I know ill love my baby no matter what, but my mom is so uncomfortable with anyone with disabilities. She doesn't seem to understand some of the behaviors and reactions are because of a disability. My mother is wonderful, but has this old school mentality about any disability. I had seizures when I was a teenager, and she was so distant from me then. I was the 'sick' one, that she used to talk about to everyone. It really took me a while for her to see me more than that.
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Re: Don't understand the 'need' to have the 1st, but am worried about...

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  • ambercakes92ambercakes92 member
    ....Is there a reason you think your baby might have a disability?
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  • mckloughmcklough member

    I think worrying about your child's health is perfectly normal, but it seems like you may have some unresolved issues with how your mother treated you as a teenager when you were struggling health wise. If you feel comfortable talking to her you could try bringing it up or you could see a counselor just to help you sort through those feelings.

    Chances are good that baby will be healthy and I personally try not to worry about anything until my doctor tells me to worry. It's easier said than done, but focusing on that really helps me not panic over unfounded possibilities.

    *Kate*

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  • michellabananamichellabanana member
    I guess I was just talking to my mom the other day, and she was going on and on how terrible my uncle is, but really I believe he is autistic and never diagnosed. (He's probably in his sixties right now) but how mad she was at her MIL for "trying to pass him off as normal"... I'm sorry, she just repeats these stories all the time. I work with students who are autistic and maybe im just around it too much, so it scares me.
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  • michellabananamichellabanana member
    cmerribury said:

    To me it sounds like you may need to voice your concerns to your Mother. Not about your baby, since in all liklihood your baby will be born perfectly healthy, but about the way she sees/treats/speaks about people with disabilities. Obviously it bothers you, and excusing her behavior as "old school" doesn't seem to be helping you deal with it. 


    It's pretty clear that what she's saying is callous...though I'm sure your Mother has many wonderful qualities. I'd just discuss your feelings with her (feeling free to tell her you're worried about her accepting any of your children who may have disabilities) and hope for the best. 
    Thank you, I don't know if she realizes it, she's had some pretty bad experiences with my uncle so I can see where she is coming from based on her experiences.

    I think sometimes things pop into your head and you have to just let it out. I'm going to talk to my sil about it too.
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  • michellabananamichellabanana member
    I also am thinking she met my uncle as an adult, not as a baby...which could be different
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  • SarahFoley725SarahFoley725 member
    This post confuses me but I will tell you this. I've worked with special Ed kids and adults for almost three years now. My family still used the word "retarded" and I have broken them of that habit just by explaining some things to them about these disabilities. It sounds like you might need to talk to your mom about her behavior and how it's offensive to not only people with disabilities but to you as well.

    I also worried a lot about my child having special needs since I'm around it all day and know how difficult that is. You just have to stop or you will make yourself go crazy. No matter what your baby will be perfect and it sounds like it will have a loving mother. Just breathe.
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  • michellabananamichellabanana member
    I talked to my sil ( special ed teacher too lol) and it made me feel so much better. I just have some freak out moments lol. Sorry about my ramblings. My mother is really wonderful, just from a different era. But my sil reassured me if there was anything wrong, my mom would try her best to understand which I know is right.

    I think when I was trying to search for others with the same fear, I saw a lot of posts about having the first born baby. Sorry if I combined them.
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  • kynbar5kynbar5 member
    I'm really sorry about this situation But it is confusing. I hope it all gets worked out for you. I'm really not understanding why you kee excusing your mothers behavior as "old school" or "from a different era". That's kind of like saying being empathetic or understanding is something new that people do. My oldest son is autistic and the only special needs child in my and my husband's family but no one is going to act any different (negatively) to him than any of the other children. My mother is the only one I do have a problem with but not because she's negative in any way but because she doesn't actually understand that "if you've met one autistic child, then you've met one autistic child". No matter what all children are different and learn at different rates. I hope nothing but the best for you and your family but you shouldn't worry about a disability until you know there's one and then take it from there. :)
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  • kynbar5kynbar5 member
    @groovylocks
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  • michellabananamichellabanana member
    Actually my mom was a youth around the late 40s, early 50s. My moms is in her 70s. She had me in her 40s. I have brothers and sisters over 10 years older than me.

    I might have been overreacting a little in my original post. She did grow up when many children with disabilities were sent to institutions. Two of my siblings were sent to special schools because my brother and sister had learning disabilities in the early 80s, that today they would have simply been in an inclusion classroom. There was a stigma. I believe that she is just afraid for what she might have experienced.

    It really wasn't that long ago when people were 'sent away' or isolated from general population.

    She might have also been afraid for how my uncle turned out. I mean when he was young they gave him electroshock, which my dad's cousin said made him worse.

    She might be biased toward my uncle because he was violent and aggressive. Probably because of the environment he grew up in, and his disabilities not being handled the right way.

    I'm feel bad that I posted my mom in the wrong light. Many people today are still uncomfortable with people with disabilities. I see it when I go out with my students for special Olympics or if we go to an event. I take for granted my experiences and comfortable with mostly anybody. Its out of most people's 'normal'.





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  • groovylocksgroovylocks member
    edited December 2015
    Ok op, so I'll give her that. Your mother IS from a very different generation. There was a change in direction in thinking since her formative years and I can see why anybody from this generation would have FEAR of what might become of children with special needs. In this case she requires some educational reassurance about the social prognosis for kids with special needs in 2015.a

    When I read the paragraph where you said she treated you like a specimen during your teens because you were experiencing seizures, that's what got my feathers ruffled. Even though you and I sound like we're of a similar age, this weird thing has happened to me since becoming a mom. Every child feels like my child now. The thought of you being marginalized by your mom because you had a seizure disorder (or whatever happened that caused them) breaks my heart.

    So while I have no doubt that your mom is probably a really good lady with lots of kindness and love to give, that made me feel really defensive for the kid you were..
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  • michellabananamichellabanana member
    Groovylocks, thank you so much for caring. I think it was just her defense mechanism, cause she was scared about what was going on with me. She is not really one you can go to problems with and I've come to terms with that...but luckily I have a great sister and SILs :smiley:
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  • samsonatorsamsonator member
    edited December 2015
    groovylocks said:


    kynbar5 said:

    I'm really not understanding why you kee excusing your mothers behavior as "old school" or "from a different era". That's kind of like saying being empathetic or understanding is something new that people do.

    THIS. This right here.


    Plus op.. this might be pushing my boundaries a bit but how "from a different era" can the mother of a woman of breeding age in 2015 be? Know what I mean? Unless you were adopted by a very much older woman, your mother was probably, at her oldest, a youth in the 60s. That's really not that old in terms of having an alien value system.

    -------end quote---------

    My DH's parents are in their 70s (as well as OPs). His mom, like quite a few women, had DH when she was in her 40s. I just think it was unfair to say that unless you were adopted, your parents must be under 70.

    I do agree that many older generations have a different mentality for people with disabilities. Some people with disabilities were still being institutionalized when they were growing up. However, times have changed dramatically and I obviously don't support that mentality.

    OP, if by slim chance you have a child with a disability, I hope you can help educate her. I'm very sorry about how she treated you as a child.
    Married July 2014
    DD born June 2016
    Second due August 2020 (team green!)
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  • mollypuss1mollypuss1 member
    samsonator said:

    groovylocks said:


    kynbar5 said:

    I'm really not understanding why you kee excusing your mothers behavior as "old school" or "from a different era". That's kind of like saying being empathetic or understanding is something new that people do.

    THIS. This right here.


    Plus op.. this might be pushing my boundaries a bit but how "from a different era" can the mother of a woman of breeding age in 2015 be? Know what I mean? Unless you were adopted by a very much older woman, your mother was probably, at her oldest, a youth in the 60s. That's really not that old in terms of having an alien value system.
    -------end quote---------

    My DH's parents are in their 70s (as well as OPs). His mom, like quite a few women, had DH when she was in her 40s. I just think it was unfair to say that unless you were adopted, your parents must be under 70.



    THIS!

    My mother is 70 next year and she wasn't even in her 40's when she had me, in fact she was only 32. I had my daughter when I was 37. She was born in 1946, I was born in 1978 and my daughter was born 6 weeks ago. I'm pretty sure I wasn't adopted and I am still of 'breeding age'.

    Also, for most of her working life my mother worked with mentally disabled people helping them to lead independent lives. This is despite her coming from a 'different era'. I do think it's wrong to use the 'different era' tag to justify unacceptable behaviour especially as times have changed. We don't, as a society in general, accept bigotry towards people of a different race or sexual orientation and excuse it if people are if a 'different era' and as such we shouldn't excuse the same bigotry towards the disabled.
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