Interesting read: "Why adults have to stop trying so darn hard to control how children play"

Re: Interesting read: "Why adults have to stop trying so darn hard to control how children play"

• Sammy K member

  December 2015

  At 3, DS is just now getting to the age where they can figure social things out. The parents and kids that I know all seem to like this approach. The hard part is at the playground where you don't know everyone. Some parents get offended easily and jump in at the smallest issue. I usually let things go unless it escalates to hitting. I will even allow pushing as long as that's where it ends. But the helicopter parents jump in all the time and then act all offended that someone isn't sharing or took a toy from little Billy and they look at you like you're a POS for just watching it happen.
  
  I think this is one of the benefits to using a daycare center. The teachers can't watch all 16 kids at once and they let the kids work out issues themselves.

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• KaLikeAWind member

  December 2015

  I read a similar article maybe a year or two back about how parents should not force their kids to share. For similar reasons, to let the kids work it out between them allows them to build foundations of empathy, patience, negotiation, relatability. Also for the child who wants to use that toy NOW, by forcing the kid who has the toy to share, we are not teaching the wanting kid patience or that sometimes you just don't get what you want. And for the kid who has to share, we're teaching that kid that his things, his wants have to play second fiddle to the wanting kid. Which then could create an environment where he then becomes a wanting kid, and expects everybody / everything to be shared with him.
  
  So when I read these articles I'm like "yeah! Hell yeah!" But then wonder how the hell I'm going to carry this out in a park full of other moms I don't know, who are getting pissed at me because my kid has been on bouncy horse for 5 minutes and their kid wants to get on, and I won't make my kid get off, to 'share'.
  And then also the fine line of how do I not make my kid a tyrant by following this idea. Hopefully, yes, other kids will help him to figure it out

  

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• ElRuby member

  December 2015

  ^ that article was misinterpreted by so many people and the logic does not hold up in school so for the moms who adhere to it... Well those kids have a real hard time with the whole school rules of sharing thing... The way I handle the sharing issue is if DS brings a toy to a public place I explain to him the expectation is to share and that other kids may want to play with his stuff and that's OK I also fully encourage him to leave his toys that he would not want to share home etc... I also help him learn how to assertively ask for his toys back if other kids are playing with them and of course letting him know he does not have to share with children not playing correctly with his toys.... When friends come over all toys are to be shared but if he is anxious or worried about certain toys we just keep them out of sight.

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• KaLikeAWind member

  December 2015

  @ElRuby this is a good way to approach this, I think. Thanks for sharing that. It also sets up similar social skills that adults use (example - I get out some gum, then offer some to you)

  

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• ElRuby member

  December 2015 edited December 2015

  mellymar said:

  @ElRuby this is a good way to approach this, I think. Thanks for sharing that. It also sets up similar social skills that adults use (example - I get out some gum, then offer some to you)

  Exactly.. Imagine the adult who pulls out the gum and won't share "it's my gum dammit" lol... It's like attending a Christmas party and bringing a plate of cookies but getting upset when someone eats one. Socially speaking you don't have to bring cookies but if you do you really should share them. Same rule with toys.

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• Sammy K member

  December 2015

  We do the same thing. Anything DS wants to take to daycare or the park, we make sure he understands he needs to share. But at the park, I do not expect anyone else to share. We wait our turn, and that is whenever they are done. At school, they have a time limit on toys, so that's a little different. Either way, it is good for them to learn social skills and manners.

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• lovethatcolosun member

  December 2015

  For DS, sharing came somewhat naturally. We praise him when he chooses to share and he asks nicely if we will share things with him. When it comes to him wanting a toy that someone else is playing with, I tell him he can use it when the other kid is done, sometimes I ask the other kid to let us know when he's done and Carter can have a turn. Basically I'm acting out the scenario so DS gets an idea of how it's done so he can do it himself in the future. If another kid wants to use a toy or piece of playground equipment I tell them DS will let you know when he's finished so you can play with it. DS then usually steps up on his own and shares his stuff. IMHO I don't think a kid should immediately hand over a toy when someone else comes up to ask to play with it. It should be a choice to share, so that's what I'm teaching. Generosity is the added bonus.
  
  When it comes to letting kids work things out for themselves, I'm all for it. DS needs to learn how to stand up for himself and problem solve. I'm not a fan of taddle tales, unless it's something serious. These are all life skills and the sooner kids learn how to deal with conflict and social norms the better. I will add that it does suck to watch them get their feelings hurt by another kid (no you can't play with me). Those moments I just want to protect him...but alas he needs to figure it all out. The good and the bad.

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