Problems with my boyfriends mother.. — The Bump
2nd Trimester

Problems with my boyfriends mother..

micaelaarosemicaelaarose member
5 Love Its First Comment Photogenic
edited November 2015 in 2nd Trimester
Hello! So, to start I am a young expecting mother. My boyfriend and I are both 19, and headed in the right direction but his mother doesn't seem to think so.. When I told her I was pregnant, she told me that my boyfriend and I are "too immature" to be raising a child, and chances are he would leave me.. It's surprising to me that she would say these things, being that she had my boyfriend when she was 17. She tried to convince us to do adoption, but our hearts truly want our baby. We know it will be hard, but we're both hard workers and are willing to sacrifice anything. I'm 16 weeks, and she's still being awful. She told me nothing good is going to come out of this.. It's heartbreaking to hear. When she found out I bought some baby clothes, she said I shouldn't be wasting my money, and I should be buying practical things like diapers etc. I don't know what to do, my boyfriend has been caught in the middle and very sensitive about the whole thing. I'm hoping she'll come around, but it's hard to tell. Any suggestions on what I should do?

Re: Problems with my boyfriends mother..

  • I'm not trying to be negative, but it's hard for a lot of men to stand up to their mothers to draw boundaries and I can't imagine how difficult it must be when he's only 19 and she's being so rough on you guys about the baby. If you read through posts issues with new fathers and their mothers are incredibly common and the wife/girlfriend/new mothers are the ones that seem to take the brunt of the stress and pressure.

    Is she saying all these same things to him or is she saying them just to you?  Do you or your BF live with her/?

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    SarahFoley725
  • Did you ask her why she thinks you are too immature?

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  • I find it pretty strange that she seems to be blaming you for the pregnancy and directing her comments only at you.  It's not like she didn't also get pregnant young.  Clearly she knows that her son had something to do with it.

     

    She's probably struggling because she wanted her son to wait until later in life to have a child, based on how difficult it was for her to raise him young.  I'm sure once you have the baby she will change her tune.  In the meantime, if you and your boyfriend are still living at home, start working on saving up to get your own place.  His mother can only affect you if you are forced to be around her, so having your own place will probably really lessen these uncomfortable situations.

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  • 1. She sounds like the worst, I'm so sorry

    2. ANYONE expecting a baby should have a contingency plan for having to parent alone. You never know when your SO could get sick/hit by a bus/whatever. So her (totally inappropriate) comment that he might leave you doesn't really change anything.

    3. I would spend a lot of time talking with your boyfriend to make sure he is able to start setting boundaries with his mom NOW. He should be the one dealing with this, not you, and the longer it takes for him to start standing up for himself, the harder it is going to be.

    4. It sounds like you're going to be a great mom :)
    micaelaarose
  • Ignore her? or confront her and tell her that the negative comments aren't welcome. If your boyfriend won't do anything then you're unfortunate going to have to deal with her yourself. My FIL dislikes me so is always making negative comments about stuff to try to be a buzz kill. I ignore him and when necessary, confront him and tell him to mind his own business.
  • JMarie1291JMarie1291 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited November 2015
    I had a daughter at 18 and at the time the bf was 19. We were together for 4 years his mom told me the same things and had him at 16 pushed for us to do adoption. I came from a family were i worked my butt off if i wanted something money was very tight. After baby was born he left me for my best friend we had our own place and i just got my CNA right before baby was born and started working 3 weeks after having her since thats when he moved out. He was in and out of jail...while i struggled to be a single mom pay car payments and put roof over our heads. If i had his mom support and her not trying to tear us apart it might of worked but she knew best..... I ended up doing adoption after 18 months i wanted to go back to school and couldn't since i had no help. I didn't want to struggle with my child since i grew up struggling and wanted better for her. I get to still be part of her life but i also got to finish school get married buy a home and now i get to be a mom again and have a real shot with out having to struggle! I go and talk to other young mom's and share my story. But what you said sounds so much like my situation at your age. I was blind and thought a baby would give me love and make me happy. Look ar the whole picture and think hard. Being a young mom is no joke to many childern struggle in life because of it. I ignored all the red flags the biggest one his mom not being on our side and telling me hes going to leave you just like your bf's mom is doing to you.
    CecilB93mamacastrokaty0990
  • Sounds to me that she might possibly know a thing or two about what it's like being young and having a child. I'm sure she's not trying to come across rude and negative. My advice for you is to set that pride of yours aside and listen you might just learn a thing or two.
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  • @tooba22 why so nasty? OPs response was legitimate
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  • alanna3622alanna3622 member
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    edited November 2015
    @micaelaarose I don't have a lot of advice for you other than to give MIL as much space as you can.

    She is obviously processing her own issues right now. She had her son at only 17? So that means she is facing becoming a grandmother at the ripe old age of 37-ish, and is now facing the prospect/fear of watching her own son enter into parenthood before he has had a chance to settle on his life direction, to try out different loving and stable relationships as he journeys through his 20's and even 30's, to figure out his own way based on what is best for himself alone. Everything has changed for her son, whether or not he realizes the significance of that at this point.

    It is a shame that she is making these comments. I like what other posters have suggested,to make it clear that you have a plan for money, logistics, etc and will be able to do this without her support. Perhaps with a clearer vision of what lies ahead she may be able to ease off of the negative comments. Perhaps not though.
    kynbar5DrillSergeantCatAmadorRose
  • Full disclosure - I am a FTM at 37 years old. I cannot imagine having had a child at 17, and then to have him start a family at 19. I suspect that your situation is going to be very polarizing for others.

    None of this has any bearing on you being the mother you want to be for your child. You sound like you are committed to moving forward and developing practical plans. Good luck to you and best wishes.
    kynbar5
  • My youngest sister had her daughter when she was 17. Her bf and her are still together to this day (her daughter just turned 5) and they have fought through many struggles and a ton of naysayers. They are both wonderful parents. From your most recent response it sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. I'd try to just be extremely happy that your family is being supportive and hopefully his mother will come around. Like a pp stated, she's probably just working through her own struggles. I wish you the best of luck and really hope it works out for you and your family! Babies are such a blessing! :)
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  • tooba22 said:

    Sounds to me that she might possibly know a thing or two about what it's like being young and having a child. I'm sure she's not trying to come across rude and negative. My advice for you is to set that pride of yours aside and listen you might just learn a thing or two.

    Lots of people know a thing or two about having children young, without acting the way OPs MIL is acting. My own mother got pregnant her senior year of high school with a guy who was a jerk. He left her after only a couple of months. My mother grew up very poor, but still managed to put herself through college all while taking care of a baby. She struggled, but she had support from her family. The way my mother lives now, you would have no idea that she grew up poor or was a teen mother. She really pulled herself up from nothing. Im only 23, but 22 when I first found out I was pregnant. She was sad for the struggles I may face, but she has been the most supportive and excited of anyone for me to have this baby. Because she knows that despite the struggle, a baby can be a blessing. She believes in me, and I believe in myself. If OP has the right support system, she can succeed in raising a child (even if dad won't be involved, although it sounds like he wants to be). Negative comments from MIL are toxic and should be ignored IMO.
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  • Your boyfriend's mom is most likely scared. She could be afraid that you and he don't have a grasp on the gravity of parenthood. She could be reliving her own insecurities of being a young mom. Regardless of what her issues are now I'm certain that her tune will change once your baby is born. Just continue to focus on doing what you need to do for your baby. Keep in mind that she may actually be a great source of advice and understanding once she comes to terms with your decisions. Good luck!
    alanna3622groovylocks
  • Hi, your boyfriend should be handling this not you. He should be telling his mommy to leave you alone and that you don't need any additional stress. I had a baby at 19 and the "fathers" parents did nothing but make me miserable. I was under so much stress that I was getting random nosebleeds. My daughter is now 17 and lives in a special needs school for autistic children. She's had problems all through childhood. I wish to God that I had been able to enjoy my pregnancy more and been less stressed. I always wonder if that would have made a difference in her life.
    Please keep your distance from this woman. She sounds toxic. Hopefully she gets better after the birth.
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  • Hello! So, to start I am a young expecting mother. My boyfriend and I are both 19, and headed in the right direction but his mother doesn't seem to think so.. When I told her I was pregnant, she told me that my boyfriend and I are "too immature" to be raising a child, and chances are he would leave me.. It's surprising to me that she would say these things, being that she had my boyfriend when she was 17. She tried to convince us to do adoption, but our hearts truly want our baby. We know it will be hard, but we're both hard workers and are willing to sacrifice anything. I'm 16 weeks, and she's still being awful. She told me nothing good is going to come out of this.. It's heartbreaking to hear. When she found out I bought some baby clothes, she said I shouldn't be wasting my money, and I should be buying practical things like diapers etc. I don't know what to do, my boyfriend has been caught in the middle and very sensitive about the whole thing. I'm hoping she'll come around, but it's hard to tell. Any suggestions on what I should do?
    If you can, stop informing her of anything regarding the pregnancy. She's made her feelings crystal clear and it will only be painful for you to continue to try to force that square peg into a round one. Essentially, don't expect her to change. No expectation means no disappointment. You allow folks to treat you a certain way. If she keeps on you can tell her that you would appreciate that she keep her opinions to herself. You understand how she feels and that you would prefer to focus on the positive.

    What does your boyfriend say? Ultimately you need him to be in your corner and defend you/your child. I have a MIL that is truly a real pain. She's rude, outright dismal and says hurtful things. My husband does not stand for it and as such we have limited visits since her last little temper tantrum where she essentially offered to bribe me to "not be fat". She has warped views on weight etc. so its all just messed up. She tells me my kids suffer and stuff, just really out of line things that sound akin to what you are receiving. I just tell her I don't want to hear it and to save her breath. She gets upset with me about "not listening" "being stubborn and lazy". You name it.

    We don't put up with it. You shouldn't have to either. You and your child (your relationship too) don't deserve that kind of negative attention.


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  • She will come around when the baby is a realty. Try to stay on good terms with her, you are very young and will need all the help and support you can get. 
  • Dont buy anything until after your baby shower, and get clothes from thrift store
    lynnernon
  • So my suggestion is to find somebody you DO trust to be kind, but honest, to help you sit down and make a five year plan because you need one. And i think if you go to your bf's monster.. er.. mother.. with a solid five year plan in hand, it may shut her up or at least get her to start seeing that you're developing the maturity that this major life change is going to require. 
    alanna3622
  • @tooba22 why so nasty? OPs response was legitimate

    @alanna3622 I don't feel that my response is nasty. OP stated that her MIL had her son (OP boyfriend) at 17 years of age. With that being said I'm sure her MIL is trying to simply explain that having a child so young is not butterflies and rainbows and there is a lot to be learned and a lot of sacrifices will be made in order to raise a child at the young age of 19. While OP does sound mature there is ALWAYS room to learn and grow and by listening to MIL instead of going full on defense mode she maybe able to learn a thing or two and this will help strengthen the bond between the two of them.

    OP, It could be that maybe your MIL wants you to ask for her advice and that's why she's so willingly handing it out in such an aggressive manner. I learned the hard way that my MIL was acting like such a B about my pregnancy only because she wanted/expected me to reach out to her regarding my baby... I hadn't thought of even asking her because it's been 20 something years since she had a baby and well sh$t changes from when she had a baby up until now but she expressed her feelings to SIL so I was able to make it right. My last piece of advice would be to do what you feel is right for your baby don't let anybody influence you into a decision that you will regret. Also, try to take it easy when talking to your BF about the issue remember that it's his family and at the end of the day it might hurt his feelings if you bash and say negative things.


  • My mom had my brother at 19. It wasn't ideal--her very new husband left her within a year or two. When they got divorced, she told him that in exchange for no child support, he had to terminate his parental rights. A few years later, she met my father who legally adopted my brother. She certainly counseled us greatly against having kids young (that has somewhat backfired at this point).

    HOWEVER, babies come and women make do. Your relationship could be great, and you struggle a bit at this time, and then as you get more established, you are just young parents making do. Tons of people do it.  People have to listen to their hearts about this stuff. I agree that you, your BF and his mom need to talk. Maybe even family counseling. You shouldn't be steamrolled by her. That being said, it is hard to watch youngins go through what they might have been through. People want to share what they have learned. That does not give them the right to be negative. She still sees you as children when you are now adults and will act as such. Firm boundaries. Clear message about positivity. All the best to you.
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  • Op, you sound like a bright woman and will be fine! My only advice is this, work on keeping your relationship open, honest and strong and make sure your man is always spending his own money and you save yours as much as possible!
    When i was younger i spent too much supporting partners who were out of work rather than saving funds I needed for myself. What is his and your work/ career situation like if you don't mind me asking?
  • OP - I'm sorry you are going through this. No one deserves this level of stress during pregnancy. I've skimmed through some of the replies and maybe I can offer something else consider my MIL hates my guts. 

    There is no denying that 19, especially in today's society, is quite young to be a mother. But young =\= bad. It simply means you are going to face challenges, primarily financial ones, as you two embark on this journey together. Having a supportive BF will help a lot during this process.

    My husband (then boyfriend) was 29, I was 26. He owned a home, we had careers, and found out we were pregnant. His mother told him I should terminate, that I was trying to trap him, and his father called and told him that this would ruin his life. He was an only child and this devastated him - and he believed them. I left him for a few days so we could sort ourselves out. Obviously we reunited, just got married and now are expecting baby #2 - his mother yet AGAIN freaked out on us. 

    We struggled a lot with our first baby, both financially and with our relationship. I thought either I'd end up a single mother, or killing him. His mother is still a major issue for us (his father recently passed away). 

    I'm not telling you my story to compare our stories - just to show you that even when two people are married and older (I'm now 29, my H is 32), things still may not get better. And it may be a constant issue in your relationship. I'm still not sure how best to handle my H and his mom. 

    I'd suggest keeping distance, honestly. Don't share with her much. What is your living situation? Are you two living together? I hope not with her. 

    You should apply for assistance ASAP. Get into housing so you can have your own place, and you both need to work as much as possible. She is right that buying diapers now is a good idea, but clothes are pretty necessary, too. Buy a box or two of diapers in different sizes and stock up so when the baby comes, it is one less worry. I didn't have to buy diapers for my daughter until she was over 6 months old. 

    My biggest suggestion is to focus on your relationship. Work together, try to stay on the same page. Create a plan together of how to deal with her. He cannot be caught in the middle, he has to be the one to tell her to stop saying derogatory things. If she is going to bring up a problem, ask her for a constructive solution that does not include adoption. 

    You have every right to keep your baby. My brother was 19, as was his GF when they got pregnant. Their baby just turned 1. They've struggled, but they are making it through by making their family the priority. 

    You will change and grow up a lot in the coming years. It isn't a bad thing. :) Best of luck to you!
    alanna3622
  • @Daenaria86 what a thoughtful post.
    lynnernon
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