2nd Trimester
micaelaarose
member
Problems with my boyfriends mother..
micaelaarose
member
Hello! So, to start I am a young expecting mother. My boyfriend and I are both 19, and headed in the right direction but his mother doesn't seem to think so.. When I told her I was pregnant, she told me that my boyfriend and I are "too immature" to be raising a child, and chances are he would leave me.. It's surprising to me that she would say these things, being that she had my boyfriend when she was 17. She tried to convince us to do adoption, but our hearts truly want our baby. We know it will be hard, but we're both hard workers and are willing to sacrifice anything. I'm 16 weeks, and she's still being awful. She told me nothing good is going to come out of this.. It's heartbreaking to hear. When she found out I bought some baby clothes, she said I shouldn't be wasting my money, and I should be buying practical things like diapers etc. I don't know what to do, my boyfriend has been caught in the middle and very sensitive about the whole thing. I'm hoping she'll come around, but it's hard to tell. Any suggestions on what I should do?
Re: Problems with my boyfriends mother..
Honestly I would stop telling her things. I'd either straight up say hey we are keeping this baby and until you can come to terms with that we won't be updating you or just quit talking to her about it. I know it sucks that she's not involved in the way that you want her to be but it will be better for everyone to take a step back and catch their breath.
The advice about spending money on diapers instead of clothes may stem from the financial hardship she endured with your boyfriend when he was born. It's not necessarily a bad advice, in my opinion, as you will most likely receive a lot of baby clothes through showers or hand me downs from your family and friends.
But I get that you are frustrated with lack of excitement from her. Maybe you and your boyfriend need to sit down with her and talk about how you plan to take care and financially support this child. Once she learns that you two have concrete plans on how to support yourselves and your child, she may realize that you are more prepared than when she had your boyfriend. Good luck.
I'm not trying to be negative, but it's hard for a lot of men to stand up to their mothers to draw boundaries and I can't imagine how difficult it must be when he's only 19 and she's being so rough on you guys about the baby. If you read through posts issues with new fathers and their mothers are incredibly common and the wife/girlfriend/new mothers are the ones that seem to take the brunt of the stress and pressure.
Is she saying all these same things to him or is she saying them just to you? Do you or your BF live with her/?
*Kate*
February 2016
**** Formerly Snoflakes4eva****
I find it pretty strange that she seems to be blaming you for the pregnancy and directing her comments only at you. It's not like she didn't also get pregnant young. Clearly she knows that her son had something to do with it.
She's probably struggling because she wanted her son to wait until later in life to have a child, based on how difficult it was for her to raise him young. I'm sure once you have the baby she will change her tune. In the meantime, if you and your boyfriend are still living at home, start working on saving up to get your own place. His mother can only affect you if you are forced to be around her, so having your own place will probably really lessen these uncomfortable situations.
2. ANYONE expecting a baby should have a contingency plan for having to parent alone. You never know when your SO could get sick/hit by a bus/whatever. So her (totally inappropriate) comment that he might leave you doesn't really change anything.
3. I would spend a lot of time talking with your boyfriend to make sure he is able to start setting boundaries with his mom NOW. He should be the one dealing with this, not you, and the longer it takes for him to start standing up for himself, the harder it is going to be.
4. It sounds like you're going to be a great mom
She is obviously processing her own issues right now. She had her son at only 17? So that means she is facing becoming a grandmother at the ripe old age of 37-ish, and is now facing the prospect/fear of watching her own son enter into parenthood before he has had a chance to settle on his life direction, to try out different loving and stable relationships as he journeys through his 20's and even 30's, to figure out his own way based on what is best for himself alone. Everything has changed for her son, whether or not he realizes the significance of that at this point.
It is a shame that she is making these comments. I like what other posters have suggested,to make it clear that you have a plan for money, logistics, etc and will be able to do this without her support. Perhaps with a clearer vision of what lies ahead she may be able to ease off of the negative comments. Perhaps not though.
None of this has any bearing on you being the mother you want to be for your child. You sound like you are committed to moving forward and developing practical plans. Good luck to you and best wishes.
Please keep your distance from this woman. She sounds toxic. Hopefully she gets better after the birth.
What does your boyfriend say? Ultimately you need him to be in your corner and defend you/your child. I have a MIL that is truly a real pain. She's rude, outright dismal and says hurtful things. My husband does not stand for it and as such we have limited visits since her last little temper tantrum where she essentially offered to bribe me to "not be fat". She has warped views on weight etc. so its all just messed up. She tells me my kids suffer and stuff, just really out of line things that sound akin to what you are receiving. I just tell her I don't want to hear it and to save her breath. She gets upset with me about "not listening" "being stubborn and lazy". You name it.
We don't put up with it. You shouldn't have to either. You and your child (your relationship too) don't deserve that kind of negative attention.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
However, she's not wrong about how hard it is. Our baby is due in 27 days. And to date, I'm going to ballpark a figure. I'd say we've spent about $5000 on our daughter already including medical bills and I am a professional with a VERY good health care plan.
And other than necessary care, we DID NOT buy the best. We bought a good deal of clothing and furniture secondhand or had it gifted to us from relatives. We have a DIY nursery which i painted myself. We only bought the necessities and didn't splurge on anything that wasn't completely necessary. And that frugality cost us $5000. So far. With amazing insurance.
Now i don't know where you're from. I'm originally from canada. If we had done this in canada, it may very well have been cheaper as we don't pay for prenatal (or really any) necessary medical care. But my husband is American and we chose to live here. So just to be aware, prenatal care and birth was quoted to me as being around $8500 ALONE - this is the state of Michigan.
This doesn't include clothing, the nursery furniture, safety equipment (like car seats, stroller, high chair etc) and bathroom care (first aid kit, toiletries, laundry soap etc)
And that's just money. Our lives are no longer ours. And even now, we don't GET that. We know it intellectually but we don't GET it yet. I think however, that this part of it is instinct and if you're at all going to be a decent mom, and it sounds like you'll be a great one, then this instinct will kick in for you. But still. You've just mortgaged the best years of your life. They'll still be wonderful. But you'll miss out on a lot of amazing experiences too. And so will your boyfriend. And one or both of you could potentially push back against that ten or fifteen years down the road.
You have not chosen an easy path at all. And despite the fact that your bf's mom sounds like a jackass (and she does) she's making some very valid points that you're unable to see at this stage of things.
OP, It could be that maybe your MIL wants you to ask for her advice and that's why she's so willingly handing it out in such an aggressive manner. I learned the hard way that my MIL was acting like such a B about my pregnancy only because she wanted/expected me to reach out to her regarding my baby... I hadn't thought of even asking her because it's been 20 something years since she had a baby and well sh$t changes from when she had a baby up until now but she expressed her feelings to SIL so I was able to make it right. My last piece of advice would be to do what you feel is right for your baby don't let anybody influence you into a decision that you will regret. Also, try to take it easy when talking to your BF about the issue remember that it's his family and at the end of the day it might hurt his feelings if you bash and say negative things.
HOWEVER, babies come and women make do. Your relationship could be great, and you struggle a bit at this time, and then as you get more established, you are just young parents making do. Tons of people do it. People have to listen to their hearts about this stuff. I agree that you, your BF and his mom need to talk. Maybe even family counseling. You shouldn't be steamrolled by her. That being said, it is hard to watch youngins go through what they might have been through. People want to share what they have learned. That does not give them the right to be negative. She still sees you as children when you are now adults and will act as such. Firm boundaries. Clear message about positivity. All the best to you.
Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.
DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!
Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!
When i was younger i spent too much supporting partners who were out of work rather than saving funds I needed for myself. What is his and your work/ career situation like if you don't mind me asking?