Unrelated to baby- emotionally unwell

mahlod · December 2015

I have been with my partner for four years, lived together for two years..we have had our fights and disagreements. I am a very emotional person at this stage, short tempered and we fight a lot.

I have always suspected that he might be doing something on the side two months ealier and that's one of the reasons why I have always gave him the cold shoulder and fought with him. Another reason is him not helping out around the house and still expecting me to do everything on my own... I didn't mind then but I am heavily pregnant now and find the smallest tasks to be a mission (you know what I mean, ladies).

A week back I went through his phone, it's has a passcode but it's one of those phones where you can still see the entire message on notifications even if it's locked. We used to have each other's passcode but he changed it now, we fought about that too and it was bad. Anyway the message was from some woman and it was just tons of hearts, u couldn't obviously read the entire conversation to see how this message came about as it was locked... I confronted him about it anyway and he told me it's a lady he went to school with and she loved one of his songs (my partner is a part time DJ). Trusting my gut feeling, I didn't take the story. We fought to the point where it got physical.

He refused to unlock his phone to confirm his story..we let it go and my naive self chose to believe that he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. Just a day ago, I went through his phone again, he was taking a bath.
The same woman's number with the message reading "babe did you eat"?

i took the numbers down without him knowing. I confronted him about it and he was quiet. I slapped him and it got physical again. I am bruised as we speak from that. We exchanged hurtful words and he still didn't admit that he is cheating on me. I called the woman (probably the worst mistake). She told me that they have been dating since September. He told her about me and the baby..she even knows our unborn baby's name. He told him that we fight all the time and I am trying to control him.

I asked her how they met and she told me everything, even her name and that's when I started tracking her down on Facebook. i became a mad woman overnight. More like a stalker - trying to connect the dots. She said that she didn't care if he stayed with me and that he was just happy that he was honest from the beginning.

I am crushed and wish the world could open up and swallow me. It's 5am and I just woke up crying. We shared an apartment and I left the day that I found out. I am staying with my sister until I sort myself out. I have send him several messages which were really bad , swearing at him and everything. I tried to block his numbers, but still find myself unblocking them to see if he has send a message or something.

I am not sure if I will survive this, I am more worried about my baby in this state of emotion that I am in. I lay sleepless and I cry all the time. Sometimes I wish I didn't even go through his phone and never knew the truth.

holocene · December 2015

You will survive this.

Who gets physical with a pregnant woman? On top of being a cheating, lying asshole? Yeesh! Good riddance to him.

I know this seems hard, possibly harder than you think you can handle. But I promise you, you can do this. Be strong for you and your baby.

Achae · December 2015

mahlod said:
I have been with my partner for four years, lived together for two years..we have had our fights and disagreements. I am a very emotional person at this stage, short tempered and we fight a lot.

I have always suspected that he might be doing something on the side two months ealier and that's one of the reasons why I have always gave him the cold shoulder and fought with him. Another reason is him not helping out around the house and still expecting me to do everything on my own... I didn't mind then but I am heavily pregnant now and find the smallest tasks to be a mission (you know what I mean, ladies).

A week back I went through his phone, it's has a passcode but it's one of those phones where you can still see the entire message on notifications even if it's locked. We used to have each other's passcode but he changed it now, we fought about that too and it was bad. Anyway the message was from some woman and it was just tons of hearts, u couldn't obviously read the entire conversation to see how this message came about as it was locked... I confronted him about it anyway and he told me it's a lady he went to school with and she loved one of his songs (my partner is a part time DJ). Trusting my gut feeling, I didn't take the story. We fought to the point where it got physical.

He refused to unlock his phone to confirm his story..we let it go and my naive self chose to believe that he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. Just a day ago, I went through his phone again, he was taking a bath.
The same woman's number with the message reading "babe did you eat"?

i took the numbers down without him knowing. I confronted him about it and he was quiet. I slapped him and it got physical again. I am bruised as we speak from that. We exchanged hurtful words and he still didn't admit that he is cheating on me. I called the woman (probably the worst mistake). She told me that they have been dating since September. He told her about me and the baby..she even knows our unborn baby's name. He told him that we fight all the time and I am trying to control him.

I asked her how they met and she told me everything, even her name and that's when I started tracking her down on Facebook. i became a mad woman overnight. More like a stalker - trying to connect the dots. She said that she didn't care if he stayed with me and that he was just happy that he was honest from the beginning.

I am crushed and wish the world could open up and swallow me. It's 5am and I just woke up crying. We shared an apartment and I left the day that I found out. I am staying with my sister until I sort myself out. I have send him several messages which were really bad , swearing at him and everything. I tried to block his numbers, but still find myself unblocking them to see if he has send a message or something.

I am not sure if I will survive this, I am more worried about my baby in this state of emotion that I am in. I lay sleepless and I cry all the time. Sometimes I wish I didn't even go through his phone and never knew the truth.

It's good you are with your sister. Neither one of you should be getting physical. He sounds toxic to you and baby, but you also do sound controlling or like emotionally blackmailing him. The emotions won't effect baby now, only extreme grief has been shown to have effects iirc. Right now you need stability and safety which is with your sister (I hope).

ChrissyD1203 · December 2015

You will survive. This will pass. There is light at the end of every tunnel. For now focus on your baby. You should tell your doctor what happened and you should speak to someone. The people in this community can offer some support but they are not a substitute for a professional. Please please find someone to speak to and please tell your family what happened so they can help you. So many thoughts and prayers to you.

scornwell717 · December 2015

This makes me heart ache for you. I'm so sorry things had to get physical...it should never be that way. I can't imagine if this happened to me any time, let alone while I'm pregnant. Like PPs said, it's good that you're with your sister and not that cheating, lying bastard. I know it's easier said than done but let him go, and I guarantee you he'll end up cheating on that woman too. Things can only get better from here, darling. I am going to be a single mom and I believe I can do it, so I believe in you too!

stlmomof2 · December 2015

Trust me... F that guy. A relationship that continues to be physical like that is not a healthy relationship. It can go on for years, it may happen in front of your child, one of you might go too far with the abuse. Its good that you took the first step at getting away from him. If he is going to continue to lie like that then he can go be with that other woman, who doesn't seem to care about you being pregnant with his child. They both sound equivalently bad. You can do better.

star31884 · December 2015

I was born from a similar situation. My biological father cheated on my mom with her best friend when she was 6 months pregnant. She was very depressed and wouldn't eat, she didn't want to be pregnant. My grandmother told her that the baby she was carrying would be the angel my mom needed. To this day, my mom always calls me her angel. I know your baby will do the same for you. God bless you and your baby.

mahlod · December 2015

Thank you for all the kind words.
I am getting myself some counseling and I will try my level best to focus only on the baby. Thank you so much ladies.... It hurts and will probably hurt for a long time, but out of all this- I will get to raise a beautiful little girl.

ShannyFann · December 2015

My sister was in a physically abusive relationship with her first two kids and an emotionally abusive/manipulative relationship with her third and her life for the last 13 years has just been a mess because she chose to stay with these guys much longer than she should have and the kids have suffered because of it. Seperate yourself as much as you can from this guy before it affects your child also. You sound like you kind of set each other off which isn't good for either of you.
I also have a friend whose husband was cheating and abusive and she was about to leave when she found out she found she was pregnant so she stuck around to see if they could make it work. They are now divorced and she is MUCH happier and healthier without him.
Again, make the decision for you AND your daughter to not be around people who are abusive and disrespectful and just no good.
You are strong enough to do this. Just believe it.

Leah6120 · December 2015

Good for you, mama. Your daughter will learn about how a woman should be treated and how relationships work from what she sees you do. Becoming the best and healthiest version of yourself now is the greatest gift you could ever give her. Keep working on it and moving forward and you will never regret your new start even if the timing is rough.

ambercakes92 · December 2015

Violence is bad on both of your parts, so I'm glad to hear that you've removed yourself from the relationship. Counseling is another excellent choice. I wish you and your daughter all the best!

carlyhammond · December 2015

The best thing you did for your daughter was to get out of that house.
It's better you know what he was doing before she is born.
When a child grows up around that kind of environment it teaches them that kind if behavior is normal.
Plus, with a newborn in the house things change.
Both of you are tired, moods and mental states are altered.
It would be MUCH more toxic.

I'm glad you are with your sister and I'm SO glad you are seeking treatment.
Don't wish you never found out- because it sounds like your relationship was toxic.

Keep your head up, single moms KICK Booty.

Ebiejay · December 2015

I'm really relieved for you that you were able to remove yourself from the situation, and seek counselling. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now, but you absolutely did what is best for you and baby. You won't harm your child with your stress, so don't panic about that.

You can do this, and you will do this much better now you're not in a dangerous relationship! Hugs!

BarrettJ89 · December 2015

Any time you question whether you did the right thing or not, picture your beautiful baby girl, grown up with a man like him... Unfortunately, domestic abuse (physical/mental/emotional) often becomes a trend. She could follow in your footsteps. You did what needed to be done by leaving that man. Protect yourself and your daughter. You are stronger than you think and will be even stronger once you see her face for the first time... That alone will be the strength you need. You now have the ability to raise her to be a strong woman who knows what she deserves in a good, loving relationship.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, and my heart breaks for you. Stay strong!

ChrissyD1203 · December 2015

Just chiming in that my dad was a cheater and abusive. When I was 5 he threw a boombox at my mom's head and it made a hole in the wall. My mom divorced him soon after but me and my two younger sisters have had various mental health issues our whole lives and I know what we saw must have had some impact. Also, my whole life I have struggled with respecting my mom and have resented her for not getting us out of that environment (although I love her very much and she is a great person and mom -- it has caused a lot of problems in our relationship). So please - stay strong for baby girl!

ultln9562 · December 2015

I just want to say that you absolutely don't deserve what you are going through. For him to choose to have an affair especially during such an important time in both of your lives shows the type of character he has. Granted relationships get hard but sacrifice and commitment are key to successful relationships. If I weren't preggo I would ride with you to that b***hes house and dish her a good a** whipping. She is a true tramp to knowingly get involved with a guy already in a relationship and has a baby on the way. But Karma will take care of her. You just take care of your beautiful baby because once you give birth none of the rest will matter anyway.

PedsIsHardcore · December 2015

Get rid of him! You don't need to deal with that. Make sure to rake his butt through the coals so he can support his child, but I would leave it at that. He is a horrible person for doing that!

I know it sucks, but right now something to look into is therapy. I say that because before I was with my SO I had previously been in a toxic relationship. It makes your way of thinking unhealthy and you need to get to healthy just for your baby. I would block him on everything and never look back. I had to do that with my ex and it was hard, but I did it. My ex is a liar, and an awful, evil, selfish thoughtless person. He was a nurse at one of the local hospitals (we have a bunch of little hospitals and 3 big ones where I live) and I don't trust him even caring for patients. He cheated on me and lied to my face. Also we had a lot of stupid arguments that showed me where he was as far as keeping up with knowing what was going on with his patients. We were discussing a medication and he referenced Wikipedia....I haven't used Wikipedia as a health care reference since I was 18...so 2003...my mom's a doctor so I have always had exceptional medical resources. So yeah. I have trust issues, which is why my SO is amazing. We are truthful to each other to a fault. Nothing is sugar coated. We discuss everything at great length so we both have security in our relationship. We let each other see everything. Email, phones, FB, everything. We don't hide anything.

If I can find better, so can you. I never thought it was going to happen, but it did. Take things slow. Focus on you and baby. Focus on making an awesome life for you and baby, the rest will fall into place.

ondabianca · December 2015

It sounds like a toxic relationship and one that your child does not need to be exposed to. If your fights get physical now while you are pregnant, it would likely only get worse later (and that is a different matter entirely).

I know it is extremely hard and painful now. Ending a serious relationship can almost be physically painful...I couldn't imagine how much more so while pregnant. Ultimately, however, it will be better for you and your child in the long run. Time really will soften the pain until one day you will realize you are healed.

In the meantime, lean on your friends and family for support, seek counseling if you are able, focus on your baby, and take things one day at a time.

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