Advice needed...

jmohio · December 2015

Ok ladies I need advice. My sister-in-law was around 3-4 weeks behind me in pregnancy. We had a few disagreements in the beginning based of when and how to tell the family but we mostly got over that. Well Monday I got a text from my brother telling me they lost the baby. SIL had spotting went in for an ultrasound and they found an empty sack. This is their first miscarriage would have been their 3rd child. I feel so unbelievably bad and helpless at this point. I have tried taking their kids for a little while to give them a break, we cooked dinner the other night for them since they haven't been eating well. And I have told them if they need anything let me know. I had a talk with my husband about not telling them what is going on with our pregnancy as not to upset them, we had our 12 week ultrasound yesterday and everything seems perfect with our baby (which made me feel guilty). I am just not sure what to do when I get to were I can't hide things. We live in the same town and we are the only family each other have here, the rest of our family is in SC. If you were me what would you do in this situation?

jerseygirl9090 · December 2015

I understand feeling guilty and sorry for you brother and sister in law but you should still enjoy your pregnancy and be happy about it. Maybe wait a few weeks (if you are able to and not showing too much) then announce it? It will give you sister in law time to "heal" before you announce your pregnancy to family. Your pregnancy should still be a happy occasion. Sorry you are going through this

WinniethePoohsPants · December 2015

I have a very similar situation.

When my sister was 8 weeks pregnant I too found out that I was pregnant, we were both super pumped. However, at my sister's 12 week ultrasound she found out that the baby had stopped growing soon after 8 weeks. Needless to say, we were both devastated.

Fortunately my family already knows, but I haven't told any extended family since the news of my sister's miscarriage is still making it's way around. I also try to be very careful not to bring up pregnancy related nonsense in front of her unless she asks because I know she's still grieving.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you are already being very understanding of your SIL's pain; but as for when to tell family... that's entirely up to you. I guess you could send an email; or just wait until things have settled.

totsabounding · December 2015

I'm so sorry your SIL and brother are going through this. Great ideas to help care for their children and cook for them. I don't think you need to try and hide your pregnancy progression from them, though. They know you are pregnant already, and even if they didn't...there's no way you can keep it hidden forever. And they are your family: of course they are devastated over their loss, but they still love you and your baby is part of their family, too. I DO think it would be sensitive not to gush about your pregnancy to them, maybe don't bring it up unless they ask, etc. But it doesn't make sense to totally hide it and pretend it's not happening.

crdo · December 2015

This is a difficult situation. It is wonderful you and your DH have offered your help and support to them.

I would say continue to offer support and help to your SIL as she and her family grieve, but follow her lead as to how involved she wants you to be. Depending on how she processes her heartbreak, it might be too painful for her to accept help and support from you especially as your pregnancy continues--try not to take that personally if that happens.

Perhaps once she's had a little time to initially process their loss, ask her about how/whether she wants you to share information about your pregnancy when it arises. Of course everyone is different, but if it were me, I imagine would still want to know how things are going wth my SIL's baby, though I would want those things shared with sensitivity and compassion.

ahernandez16 · December 2015

I agree with PPs here. You should definitely not feel guilty about having a healthy baby and despite your brother and SIL's loss, I doubt they would want you to. I'm sure they are still over the moon excited for you.

I would also agree with letting her take the lead in what's shared as far as your pregnancy is concerned. If she asks - then I think you're safe to share, just be careful in the way that you approach it.

I'm sure your brother and SIL can already see how understanding you are to their situation and that in itself is probably so comforting to them.

aliciayarrish · December 2015

The same exact situation is happening to me right now, but not my sister- my best friend. I don't have real siblings, so she is like my sister. She miscarried early on and I have been fighting the guilty feeling as well.

I honestly have backed away some because I feel like I upset her even when I am not talking about the baby. I know I am just a constant reminder right now. I am waiting for her to come to me.

In the mean time I am making sure that other people are offering her lots of help and support. I have popped my head in every now and then and I can tell she doesn't want me to, but it's always just to say I am there for her whenever she is ready to talk to me or needs me.

cmac827 · December 2015

I was in the opposite situation at the beginning of the year. My husband and I started trying to get pregnant and a couple months later a close friend started trying. They got pregnant in October. Then I got pregnant in December and miscarried in January. She tried to comfort me and offered to take me out to get my mind off things, but she was the last person I wanted to hang out with or talk to about what was going on. I wanted to be happy for her, but it was hard. I know it was my issue and not her fault. I don't have much advice, but just be sensitive to what she is going through and don't take it personal if she doesn't want to hang out.

candicek15 · December 2015

I have been on the other side of this situation and I think the PP's are bang on. When I got pregnant for the first time in the spring, I was right in the middle of a TON of pregnancies. My BFF had just had her baby a month earlier, my SIL was due in a month, another friend was pregnant with twins, and another friend in a different city was only a week ahead of me with her pregnancy.

I had a MMC in June and I was devastated. My BFF has had 2 herself and was an amazing support. I honestly couldn't have made it through without her. It wasn't too bad with my friend with twins because I had already known she was pregnant beforehand and we didn't see each other that often in person. The month I had my MC my friend/coworker/carpool buddy got pregnant and I thought I wasn't going to be able to handle things. My friend that was close to me in her pregnancy was in a different city, but I did end up unfollowing her temporarily (not unfriending) on FB. I thought I would be okay but when I saw her 20 week "halfway there!" bump pic randomly on my facebook feed I totally lost my shit and had a breakdown.

When you have a loss you experience a ton of horrible thoughts and feelings. You think, "why is that baby alive and mine's not?" You think about how unfair it is but then you have to stop there because that's just it, it is unfair. But there isn't anything we can do. You glare at strangers who are pregnant because they are blissfully ignorant and are so lucky. You want to hate them because you will never, ever feel that way. But you also don't really hate them because you know it doesn't make sense. You have no idea what other people have been through and no one gets to choose how their pregnancy goes. I was really jealous that they had no idea what a loss felt like, but I was also happy that they didn't because I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You also have to deal with the people who don't know how to handle you and they say things like, "it wasn't meant to be" or any of the "at leasts" like "at least you know you can get pregnant" and "at least it wasn't a stillborn/older child" which definitely do NOT help.

Honestly, to sum it up, I think women who have had MCs have lots of pain and irrational thoughts, but many are also able to recognize all of that as normal and irrational. Some people have more trouble with this than others. I knew that my pregnancy and loss had nothing to do with anyone else, and I was genuinely happy for them despite my own pain. I could totally be around them and talk about them and be fine some days, and other days I just couldn't deal with it. My suggestion is to be frank with your SIL and tell her that you are so, so sorry for her loss and can't imagine how she must be feeling. If you explain that you want to be there for her in any way, but also understand that seeing your pregnancy progress will probably be difficult for her, and let her know that you will follow her lead and talk about it when/if she asks and not talk about it much when she doesn't, I think she'd appreciate it. My friend who was a week away from me in her pregnancy did that for me. She told me that she'll shut up about it around me if I wanted and I told her that I would bring it up when I felt like I was okay with it, and it worked really well for us.

Sorry this ended up being so rant-y, but it was cathartic for me in the end!

I hope it helps.

cmac827 · December 2015

^Everything she said.

jmohio · December 2015

Thank you ladies. I think you guys are right, I am going to wait until she approaches me about the pregnancy stuff. I figured if I don't get invited over for a while I won't take it personal, especially when I start to show more, thankfully right now I am overweight anyway so it just looks like I am gaining more weight.

@cmac827 are you able to be around her and the baby now? I am so scared that I and my baby are going to be a constant reminder for them. When they told me they were pregnant this was one of my worst fears was if something happened to either one of us!

Another issue right now is they are still going through it. They were going to try and wait for a natural ending but she has to go back in today to make sure it is not a tubal pregnancy. I have told them to keep me up to date and if they need me to watch the boys I will gladly take them for a while.

jmohio · December 2015

candicek15 thank you for sharing that. That does shed a lot of light on to her thought process right now. I had a chemical pregnancy in January that they were there for me with and I have told him that as horrible as it is it's my turn to return the favor. I didn't like seeing pregnant women for a few months because I was jealous, my husband and I tried for a while.

This is why I love this board by the way. I had no idea what to think or do with this situation and it is great to be able to ask strangers for advice and opinions!!

cmac827 · December 2015

@jmohio- We both moved, but are 3 hours away. Now that I'm pregnant again and things are going better, yes.

SMLmom · December 2015

Main thing I'd say (and it echoes what these wise women have said) is to not take it at all personally if she's distant for a bit. I got pregnant in Feb at the same time as a friend (our firstborns were born days apart) and we were excited planning another mat leave together etc. After I miscarried, I honestly couldn't bring myself to have much to do with her until I finally got pregnant. It sounds so selfish to write, and know that we were never super-tight, but I didn't want to see her instagram photos, didn't want to see her growing bump etc. and then I just dealt with horrible guilt for being so distant. Anyway, she may need space, as I'm sure you understand. Just knowing you "get" that and will be there when she's ready to be closer will likely mean a lot to her.

jmohio · December 2015

I think I might have a talk with them in a few days just to be blunt and let them know I understand and I will be there when they are ready.

I am taking their kids this weekend, she is going to take a pill to help pass everything today. I am going to wait until all this is done before speaking with them though, they have enough to deal with right now.

I just hate feeling so helpless in this situation!!!!!

meggyme · December 2015

As long as you're understanding, even if that means she has to avoid you for a bit, things will get better. Your concern for her already shows you're a considerate person and a good sister/sister-in-law.

GoMommy · December 2015

I am so sorry! I was also on the other side. I got pregnant and then my underage live at home teenager neighbor got his girlfriend knocked up. Due a week after me. I couldnt stand it. But intook space i needed. I love their little boy (he is almost 2 now)
Give her space like pp said. Tell her and mean it that you know she will need that space and to not feel guilty
Good luck with it all. My best friend has had many losses like me so i have to be gentle around her which doesnt bug me at all. Its hard tho

KaylaR628 · December 2015

I have also been on the other end of the situation: my sister got pregnant immediately after I found out my first baby had no heartbeat. I would ask your SIL what she does and does not want to hear about, and tell her to tell you honestly. She may be struggling with her own guilt about feeling happy for you while grieving her own loss, so it may be very helpful to her to know she's free to tell you exactly what she can/cannot handle.
It sounds like you're being very understanding, so I'm sure she'll appreciate that! But also be prepared if she says she doesn't want to hear anything for a while. It was very hard for me at first to hear anything about my sisters pregnancy, but eventually it got better and now I'm happy for her and expecting my second. Good luck and props for being so thoughtful in a tough situation!

malgal85 · December 2015

I am so sorry you are going through this, and so sorry for your sister in law!

Thats a tough position to be in for SURE.

Over the summer I had a miscarriage, and a very close friend of mine was pregnant at the same time (and about the same due date). I was worried she was feeling awkward around ME! I know it can go both ways. I could tell she was not bringing up the joys of her pregnancy, which I appreciated at first, but in the end made me feel even worse. Miscarriage is SO hard, and unfortunately is something that's so common early on. I would give her some time without hearing about babies, but in the end I know she will still want to share in your pregnancy and be happy for you! I would let her bring it up first, which I'm sure she will soon.

I think she is very lucky to have someone that cares about her and her feelings so much! You are a good SIL!

xox

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