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April 2016 Moms
Pinguinageddon
member
Am I wrong to be upset? (Grandparents taking over!!)
Pinguinageddon
member
I know I said we were gonna need all the help we could get, but I meant financially.
This is the only child I'm going to get to have, and I'm not even going to get to get anything I wanted to get her. I know it's selfish, but we told the grandparents over and over "We have this picked out, we're going to go with this", but they went and bought literally everything without consulting us first. And they're not even doing it like, "Oh, we got you this gift for the baby!", it's literally, "So we bought this today."
I know it's selfish and I should be grateful, but it makes me want to cry that I don't get to do all these things for my child and be excited about getting these things because someone else has already.
This is the only child I'm going to get to have, and I'm not even going to get to get anything I wanted to get her. I know it's selfish, but we told the grandparents over and over "We have this picked out, we're going to go with this", but they went and bought literally everything without consulting us first. And they're not even doing it like, "Oh, we got you this gift for the baby!", it's literally, "So we bought this today."
I know it's selfish and I should be grateful, but it makes me want to cry that I don't get to do all these things for my child and be excited about getting these things because someone else has already.
Re: Am I wrong to be upset? (Grandparents taking over!!)
That being said, is there a specific reason you wanted specific things? Is it about reviews/safety/certain style or simply that you wanted to buy things yourself? I do think it's over the top that grandparents would specifically go against your wishes; perhaps asking them to return the items and instead buy what you and your husband already had picked out wouldn't the point across.
At the end of the day, you are going to have a much more special bond with your daughter than LOs grandparents will. In a year or two, people won't be so keen on buying you things and you may find yourself wishing that you had taken advantage while you could. The wellbeing of your child does not depend on whether the blankets you use have chevron instead of the polka-dots you wanted. Might I suggest opening a 529 and putting the money you were going to spend toward something much more important than "things," like her future? I sure as hell wish I had that option, but we all just do the best we can with what we've got.
Edit: Emphathizing not emphasizing
It sounds like OP just had very specific expectations of what she wanted for her LO, and feels frustrated that it isn't planning out to be the way she intended...? I'm not sure.
But @Pinguinageddon may I ask why you said this is the only child you are going to be able to have? If I missed one of your posts about it I'm so sorry!
If this is going to be your only child, I can understand you wanting things a certain way and feeling like you're going to miss out if it's not done accordingly. But that being said, maybe explain to the grandparents why it's so important to you etc
Sounds like they are trying to be helpful and not hurtful. But like @AmadorRose said, I'm not able to relate as much because 1) my family is whatever about me being pregnant and 2) I'm not really a picky person. I just care if my son is clothed and fed and washed.
Again, just talk to your family and come to a happy medium, especially if they are helping you out financially already.
If you truly need 'all the help you can get,' then it is a bit rude to complain, but I understand how you feel as well about having certain things picked out for one reason or another. Good luck, mama!
@AmadorRose I'm sorry about your family.
My biggest concern currently is the fact she bought a car seat that was already two years old used without consulting us first-- even though we had told her earlier that same week we'd found a (new) carseat/stroller set we wanted to get.
@kalanieileen I actually don't know if I've said anything about it specifically, but I've had two miscarriages previously and spent my 2nd-4.5 months in the ER due to so many different complications my body's had with being pregnant, that all of my doctors have told me I shouldn't do this again, that it's a miracle this one even exists, and that for my health I need to get my tubes tied or something similar.
So.
@AEG84 for the sake of clarification, I'll reiterate what I just said above in this same comment: I'm not relying on them financially, and actually have the money and plans to go get the items I needed for baby. I'm not looking to set up a nursery or get anything fancy. Growing up in a large family, I learned to always look for the best deals. But the MIL, who currently isn't even living ANYWHERE nearby (she normally does, she just went to stay in the states for a few months and is sending everything from there), went and bought a ton of items we asked her not to, which is another reason why I'm so upset.
She's treating this baby as if it's her own, and has tried to take over everything, including naming her. It's just starting to feel a bit ridiculous.
(Also with the purchase of this carseat it has officially become an issue of safety.)
I guess we responded the way we did because your original post made it seem like you were depending on them financially. And you were vague on the whys you were upset about them buying things ie the safety of the items. I would be upset if someone bought my child I didn't think was safe.
(Also thank you things seem to be improving so I'm definitely hopeful!)
I hope all goes well for you this time around!
Maybe before she brings or ships everything all the way to you could you ask her to send you pictures of each item with info about it to see if you would rather her return it (since it sounds like you are in different countries)?
If you havent registered yet I would suggest getting started on that soon so you could send her your registry info if she wants to buy you more things.
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Nov siggy challenge: animals eating Thanksgiving food
Rhys - born 04.17.2013
Harry - born 04.18.2016
She may feel bad that she's away during your pregnancy and is buying things in an effort to comfort herself. In any case, if things are new they can be returned. If not, you can resell them (except the car seat) and use the money toward things that are safe/necessary. The suggestion above about shopping together mag be a good compromise, if you can grit your teeth through a few hours of quality time and you can be firm in telling her no.
I'm cheap, so I'd smile and nod until my face went numb for the sake of free baby gear. At the end of the day, she's your daughter. And I hope that, with your health becoming more stable, more children become a possibility in the future if you want them. I'm also glad you haven't posted about being stuck in the hospital recently!
Or hey, you could be conniving and tell her that she's overwhelming you with everything she's doing, which is frowned upon by your doctor. Because hey, stress is bad. Don't let her stress you out.
I'm sure we'll use everything (except the carseat) & be incredibly grateful.
It just gets overwhelming sometimes and my husband doesn't seem to really understand, so I felt the need to voice my concern and hear input from other parents.
But, you mentioned that you are working two jobs? Maybe she is doing all this to help relieve stress in anyway she can?
I've been struggling a little bit with gifts of items I think are pointless or are different than what my DH and I would choose for ourselves. I decided that since we can afford to purchase things for the baby ourselves that I don't need to stress much. I can still say thank you and set the item aside for if or when I may change my mind about it. Or I can give it to someone else in the future who may need it or wish for it.
My MIL is not a crazy, overbearing wench who can't let go of her son and I still feel this way. If something awful happened and we had to stay with her until we got on our feet, fine. But your husband should have chosen you over his mother the day y'all got married.
@thaisac1 and @sarahufl I moved in with my then-fiance (who still lived with his mother) so we wouldn't be flying halfway across the world to see each other every six months anymore. We pay half the rent, I pay the entire water bill, he pays part of electricity, and we both pay for gas.
The thing about where we live is everything is really expensive, but pay is very cheap. We want to move out, but after paying bills every month, there isn't enough left over. I say we are independent of her because we pay all the bills, including the majority of hers.
Look, no judgement, you have to do what you have to do. But if you were truly, actually independent, you and your FI would have a place of your own and this wouldn't be an issue.
However, so far the only real example I've seen has been the car seat. Since you have real logic behind not wanting to use that, I don't think that one is a big deal.
You've mentioned in the thread you have difficulty conveying your own feelings, and that your MIL won't LET you move out. I think if you truly have the financial ability, this is all about personality here. You need to be able to stand up for yourself... Whether it be moving out or simply showing MIL your Pinterest board or registry and asking her to kind of stick with what you want, not what's in her head. If we're having so much trouble figuring this out on here, I'm sure she doesn't really know what's happening in your head either and just needs some help.
From what you have said, it seems that you, in fact, are NOT financially independent. (Though, if you truly CAN afford to move out on your own, and it's just DH that won't stand up to MIL, then you have bigger issues.) If I were in your shoes, I'd be thankful and grateful. Her money spent on these items means more of your money that you can save/ buy other needed items.
It sounds like you are upset because she has purchased items for you that are not exactly what you wanted, but honestly, even if it's not exactly what you wanted, does it really matter? The main concern should be: "is LO is safe in these items?"
You are going to get to do so much for LO that this really is insignificant in the long run.
I assume you are both legal, consenting adults (please correct me if I am wrong), but how does it work where she " literally will not let us (edit: him... she won't let him... I'm allowed to go.) move to our own place."
What does that mean? How can she keep you from moving? If you are truly independent, this should not be an issue. I feel like there is more to this story than you are letting on.
@Pinguinageddon I would be pissed in this situation too. I think it's terribly selfish of your MIL to take away part of the joy of being a first time mother, by disregarding your wishes, and expressed concerns over what you, the mother, have chosen for your child. Of course it would be easier to move out and do it your way, but I don't believe you have no rights in this situation simply because you are living with her. Unfortunately I do think you need to develop some tough skin and do what you know is best, even if it does piss her off. Your child, your decisions, not hers.
She stated, no less than 3 times, about how they are not financially independent. In my response, I pointed out that accepting these items, frees up more of her $ to purchase other needed items or to build a savings to move out. Since they ARE financially depending on MIL, why not just be grateful for the items? What does it hurt that they are not exactly what OP wanted, as long as they are safe for baby?
IMO if you are financially dependent on someone else, you certainly can't dictate how they spend their money. I'd even go as far as saying that in some cases it wouldn't be out of line for the person you are financially dependent on to have an opinion on your finances.