Husband doesn't want a doula- advice/suggestions?

RenKY · December 2015

I really want a doula to assist in my first birth. My husband, who is very sweet and wants to be a part of everything, is against it and sees it as an intrusion on "our" birth experience as well as unnecessary. We have fought a bunch over this and are both stuck. A big part of me just wants to yell- too bad, this is what we are doing!- but I am trying to be fair. Anyone have any suggestions or advice? Gone through this with your significant other? I have sent him articles and we met with a doula who seems great and has assisted in over 20 births. What should I do? p.s. I posted this earlier in the wrong community so sorry if you are reading it twice :P

SarahFoley725 · December 2015

Is there anything that your husband could do to help you instead of having the doula? Could y'all go to a birthing class together or something along those lines? Maybe find a happy middle of sorts. Personally, I don't want anyone else in the room when I have our baby. I agree with your husband in the sense that it's yalls experience BUT it is also important for you to be as comfortable and confident as possible. If I was you, I'd start by saying hey I know you don't want this and I do so what can we maybe do instead to make us both happy?

MrsLeanMeanClean · December 2015

The fact that a doula is not a small amount to money does also make this his decision

kitteh81 · December 2015

A joint decision, I'm sure you mean.

If you want a doula because you are going to try it meds-free then he should reconsider. Good doulas have experienced assisting many many births and ideally would have suggestions for alternative methods of pain relief, often suggesting things that you or your husband might not even think of. Plus, if you end up having a longer labor, the doula could serve as support and assistance for both of you. If my mother weren't present for my labors (she is an excellent labor coach/helper) I would have a doula for sure.

MrsLeanMeanClean · December 2015

kitteh81 said:
A joint decision, I'm sure you mean.

If you want a doula because you are going to try it meds-free then he should reconsider. Good doulas have experienced assisting many many births and ideally would have suggestions for alternative methods of pain relief, often suggesting things that you or your husband might not even think of. Plus, if you end up having a longer labor, the doula could serve as support and assistance for both of you. If my mother weren't present for my labors (she is an excellent labor coach/helper) I would have a doula for sure.

Yes joint decision. .. its past 10pm on a Sunday my brain is done

blueeyedrose86 · December 2015

I would tell him to suck it up. This is your labor, you are going through the incredible pain and you need as much support as you want. Also explain to him that the doula can help him be more involved in your labor in the right ways. She can guide him in physically and emotionally supporting you. No class in the world will prepare him for the in the moment feelings he will have. My DH read books and we took classes, but honestly, he didn't do much for me during my labor. Thankfully, we had a doula and she was amazing in helping me have a med-free labor. She didn't push him out or anything. She included him as much as possible, but it's just not his forte. If your labor is long, she can give DH a much needed food/sleep break and he won't have to worry about making sure you have support while he's out. If you end up with a c-section, she can stay with you while dad goes with the baby, or she can go with the baby and he can stay with you. Our doula actually ended up catching our baby while my husband ran to get the midwife and nurses. We have hired a doula again for this birth, but I'm going to try and make my husband be a little more involved. Poor thing was like a deer in headlights lol.

mb0112 · December 2015

I agree it's a joint decision. But first make sure your husband really understands what a doula does and the role you'd expect her to play vs what he would be doing. Maybe he will see that having a doula can help him be involved in the ways he wants to be, while giving you a better shot of sticking to the birth plan you are hoping for. I know if I mentioned a doula to my husband, he'd have no clue why I wanted one or what the purpose is-- he'd think I was being a hippie and I'd have to explain my reasoning (when emotions are not high)

jmathi0149 · December 2015

You are wanting to go med free, right? In my opinion that is the only reason for a doula.

RoMama113 · December 2015

My husband said no with our first and I let him win. I really regret this as I know a doula would have given me the support that I needed to get through without meds. My husband was very supportive during labor, but just wasn't everything I needed. Our second is due in March and I told him I am going to hire a doula this time no matter what he thinks. He was a little resistant at first, but got over it pretty quickly.

I know it should be a joint decision, but you are the one who is going to be in pain for a whole day or more and push a baby out of your body. If you know you are going to need some extra support, then get it! If you do a Google search, I think there are some articles (a few even written by husbands) that advocate hiring a doula that you can let him read. Good luck!

cmerribury · December 2015

I have to disagree with some of the others here. I think instead of fighting with one another about it you should listen to what his reasons are for not wanting one. A lot of husbands feel "pushed" out of the process when someone else is involved. If you can hear his concerns and voice yours, perhaps you two can come to an agreement. Ultimately while you are the one having the baby, he is your husband, which should make him the most important (or at the very least one of the most important) people in your life. Work together and I'm sure you'll find a compromise.

skruhmin · December 2015

Can I offer a voice of reason from both sides? DS1 - didn't have a doula, my husband was absolutely amazing. I'm not saying this is the reason why, but I made it without meds with his help. I loved having him be the only one there. The pain sucked but we did it together. DS2 my L&D nurse ended up being a former doula. She was amazing as well - like I loved her. But my husband did comment that he felt like he had nothing to offer. Oddly enough we were one of 2 patients in the ward that day so I got a lot of undivided attention from my nurse - she was incredible with the techniques she offered. And I did end up with an epidural after a ton of pitocin from a bad stall. But DS2 was also a 9.1 baby. This go around I think my husband will probably use a lot of what he saw with the nurse and use it for this labor. He's amazing - and calm through the stress. We will not be hiring a doula.

soxfan9968 · December 2015

I second @cmerribury. I understand that he's not the one actually experiencing labor but I do feel that sometimes we forget that our S/O's are a big part of the process and that their feelings are valid as well. Someone also mentioned that you can go both go to classes and that way he can learn different ways to help you cope with pain and coach you. I think it's sound advice.

SparkE82 · December 2015

We have volunteer doulas here, and they are on a first come first served basis. I will be requesting one if one is available to help DH.....I'm not worried about me, I know I will be fine, but DH won't handle me being in pain and under that much stress very well. He gets super stressed himself if I am upset/hurt and he can't "fix" it.... He tends to panic a little too......like when I cut my hand open and needed stitches I had to get him to calm down and stop "panicking" so he could help me clean the cut and temporarily bandage it to get us to the doctor for stitches... He's such a softy when it comes to me (or our fur-kids).

kitteh81 · December 2015

Doulas in training are also a good option, if the cost-factor is a deterrent.

RenKY · December 2015

Thank you for all the words of advice. We are planning on taking a natural child birth class together (natural is my goal but I realize things may not go as planned) and I saw a labor and delivery class that might have more information on what my husband can do for me during labor but I feel like when everything is happening, all that information will fly out of our heads. Any other thoughts on a compromise would be great!

SarahFoley725 · December 2015

This is my first baby, but women have been having kids FOREVER without doulas and all of the other stuff we have now. Sure, lots of women died in child birth but that wasn't for the lack of a doula. Your body will know what to do and so will your doctor/midwife whatever.

The only reason that I mention this is because IMO it's not cool to kick your husbands feelings out the door on this one. While you are the one having the child, it's also his baby and would exist without him. I don't expect my husband to be overly helpful lol but that's why we have medical professionals there. If he wasn't comfortable with the extra person in the room I'd just have to find a way to get over it I think.

kitteh81 · December 2015

SarahFoley725 said:

This is my first baby, but women have been having kids FOREVER without doulas and all of the other stuff we have now. Sure, lots of women died in child birth but that wasn't for the lack of a doula. Your body will know what to do and so will your doctor/midwife whatever. The only reason that I mention this is because IMO it's not cool to kick your husbands feelings out the door on this one. While you are the one having the child, it's also his baby and would exist without him. I don't expect my husband to be overly helpful lol but that's why we have medical professionals there. If he wasn't comfortable with the extra person in the room I'd just have to find a way to get over it I think.

Actually, having doulas and multiple support women around the laboring mother was much more the norm than the more solo-style of laboring that we do now. Doulas are as old as childbirth itself, except that now it's a paid profession. I think that @RenKY is right to think that a lot of the information learned during a childbirth class seems to go right out of your head during your first natural labor, or at least that was how it felt with our first.

SarahFoley725 · December 2015

Yes, I know there were lots of people around to help and support, I just also know that our bodies will tell us what to do when the times comes. Not bashing doulas in anyway, I just think it's unnecessary thing to start a fight over because we don't *need* doulas just like we don't need medicated births etc.

OP basically I don't want you to make a decision without your husbands consent because I don't personally think that's the best way to head into parenting together. You won't always agree and see eye to eye on everything but I wouldn't personally get off on that foot. That's just my two cents.

Synnovus · December 2015

In my opinion you are the one who is giving birth (doing all the hard work, being in pains and on display) therefore your voice count more than your husband when it comes to labor and who's in the room and not in the room. However I do believe it is imported to talk about this with your husband and try to agree on something both can be happy about, but if you end up with having to choose between pleasing him rather than what you really want and feel you need for giving birth. I would say go with what you feel is best for you! Your husband should be able to put aside his feelings in order for you to feel as prepared, supported and calm as possible when giving birth to your child. Maybe you two could meet one or two doulas and talk to them before actually choosing to use one? That way your husband can ask question about the doulas role vs his and so on directly to the doula? This might make him more comfortable about getting one

kynbar5 · December 2015

I've got to say I totally agree with @SarahFoley725 on this. While yes, you are the one "doing all the work" he's suppose to be your biggest partner and support so his feelings should count just as much as yours. Also, yes I may be nitpicking here but if you really think about it, doulas haven't actually been around as long as childbirth itself because someone actually had to labor enough or know enough about labors to be helpful. I'm not taking a dig at either side, because I do agree that whichever way you go (OB, midwife, doula) you're going to want a professional that you trust. I've also been told that sometimes one can be just as helpful as another. I think that you just need to have a good conversation with your husband on what you both want and find a compromise in the middle. You definitely don't want to bring a child into your relationship with any disagreements or possible resentment towards each other. A lot, and I mean a lot, of big decisions come with raising children but being able to honestly discuss issues and concerns and agree with each other will only make a marriage stronger!

Synnovus · December 2015

I totally agree that your husband is supposed to be your biggest partner and support (but I also know that it might not always be like this for everyone either) and that you really should try to come to an agreement together that both of you would be happy with. If it really is not possible for the two of you do so I feel that the final decision is up to the one who will actually be giving birth. I also think that if you are adding one or more persons(doulas or not) for support in the delivery room it is very important to discuss the role of the other support person(s) beside your DH/SO both with the person(s) added and just between you and your DH/SO so that everyone can be on the same page and don't step on each other toes when times comes. Another possibility for a compromise could be that you have a doula with you until it's time to push, then she can leave the delivery room and it'll be just you and DH (+ medical staff) when baby is actually born.

cmerribury · December 2015

I'm not sure what everyone means when they refer to "solo birthing". I had dozens of people around me when giving (medicated in a hospital) birth to my child. The nurses were caring, tender, and really knew what they were talking about. They guided me, informed me, and helped educate and calm my husband. I just don't want a FTM thinking they will get dumped into a room alone and no one will speak to or check in on them until they push, and then those people bully and belittle them. Giving birth for the first time is scary, medicated, in a bath, hypno'd, or any other version. But it's something these men and women do every day and they are good at their jobs. I just want to be the voice that is giving these nurses and doctors more credit. I think they deserve that.

OP I think you have the right idea on taking a class with your husband and learning about this journey together. I think it's admirable that he wants to be so involved and seems like you will be in good shape for parenting together if you can make it through this.

skruhmin · December 2015

Bahahaha on a side note, I just hypothetically asked my husband this question - if I were to say I wanted to hire a doula for this go around, what would you say? He said "if you want to, do it. Maybe I can get a nap in or something!" Oh, men!

cmerribury · December 2015

@skruhmim with my first, I was still progressing and he nurse suggested a little rest before pushing. The lights were dimmed and my husband fell asleep and started snoring so loud. In his defense it was the middle of the night, but I was so pissed because I was too stressed to sleep! I threw a box of Kleenex at him to wake him up. He knows better than to do that this time.

skruhmin · December 2015

IF I CAN'T SLEEP, NEITHER CAN YOU!!!!

Synnovus · December 2015

When i had DS labor was quite long and I had DH(fiancé at the time) and my mum in the delivery room with me, but my mum was leaving the room a little before it was time to push (it was agreed on before the delivery) so it was only me and DH in the end. My mum made sure that DH got some rest and sleep inbetween while she was still with us and could look after me. She was very adamant about it and said she was afraid DH would fall asleep when it was time to push if he didn't do as she said.

alligreer88 · December 2015

To aid in this conversation and the general understanding of doulas (because I really have 0) can those of you who know please respond saying:

The cost of one (or whatever you might know about the cost even if it's not a flat straight forward figure, I'm assuming insurance doesn't generally cover/may not, so include what you know about that), where you live/will deliver (this puts price/fees into perspective), what "service" you receive/have discussed with them (summary of what you think the doula will do before during and after labor). Anything else you want to add...

kitteh81 · December 2015

cmerribury said:

I'm not sure what everyone means when they refer to "solo birthing". I had dozens of people around me when giving (medicated in a hospital) birth to my child. The nurses were caring, tender, and really knew what they were talking about. They guided me, informed me, and helped educate and calm my husband. I just don't want a FTM thinking they will get dumped into a room alone and no one will speak to or check in on them until they push, and then those people bully and belittle them. Giving birth for the first time is scary, medicated, in a bath, hypno'd, or any other version. But it's something these men and women do every day and they are good at their jobs. I just want to be the voice that is giving these nurses and doctors more credit. I think they deserve that. OP I think you have the right idea on taking a class with your husband and learning about this journey together. I think it's admirable that he wants to be so involved and seems like you will be in good shape for parenting together if you can make it through this.

I certainly didn't mean to imply that women without doulas are totally flying solo and on their own during delivery, but generally all of the nurses and the OB or midwife tend to have other patients to care for and can't give the laboring mother their undivided support and attention, and from my experience during unmedicated birth it was extremely important for me to have that consistent, ever-present support through the entire ordeal. That's where the doula comes in.

However, I have a friend who went with a doula for her first birth and she realized during that labor that she's much more introverted than she'd realized and she felt like having anyone around actually caused her to lose focus. She labored much better when given the space and silence to go inside herself and enter "Labor Land," as she called it. She just had her second baby using a hypnobirthing technique and she said it was perfect for her. So I guess it all depends on your personality.

I also never meant to suggest that mama's desires should totally trump dad's, or that any woman should totally steamroll her husband if they can't see eye to eye (and that goes for all parenting decisions, not just labor.) However, it IS true that the woman is the one trying to cope through some pretty intensely painful hours, and I think it just makes sense that HER pain and HER needs would be given the most consideration.

kitteh81 · December 2015

Also, just because I found it interesting:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1595283/

flowerpower5838 · December 2015

I think that whomever is more passionate about their position on doulas should "win" so to speak. If it means the world to him for it just to be you two and the necessary medical staff, then it might be worth it to forgo the doula. But I'd certainly make it very clear to my DH what a doula does, how they would help and what he is expected to do to fill that role. Provide him with reading, references, friends' testimonials, etc. so he is educated in what he is taking on by you agreeing to do it without a doula. I know that would kind of freak my husband out a bit. Because he doesn't really like to read....

When I first learned what a doula was, I probably held your DH's position of them being unnecessary and that they take away from the magic of the birth and it just being the two of you, etc. Now that I know what a doula is and does I feel kind of silly for ever thinking that. I have not and will not be working with a doula, but I think if you're trying to convince him, show DH the benefits and let him know what he is in for if you go without. If he is not willing to fulfill that role, then I would be taking a more staunch stance on having a doula.

ClaireBear90 · December 2015

Having had a doula, I will say that she never took over for my husband, except for one moment when the poor guy HAD to go to the bathroom (I was in labor for more than a day). There were moments when having a doula made a big difference though. With DS, he was not in a optimal position and I needed all the coaching I could get on how to turn him around (we were at home at this point). I'm not saying your husband couldn't do that, but births are unpredictable and it's reassuring to have an experienced woman there for advice if needed.

Did your husband get to discuss with her how involved he hopes to be? Our doula wasn't even with us the entire time. She ran out to get us breakfast, left the room during early labor when we wanted privacy, etc. Once our babies were born, she took some photos for us and made herself scarce. It's nice to have two pairs of helping hands... during transition I wanted my husband where I could see him and I wanted to lean on him for support, but having my doula there to rub my back, etc. was awesome and he couldn't have done both at the same time. I felt that our doula enabled my husband to support me MORE because she took care of things so that he could focus all of his attention on me and our baby.

I don't have any personal advice on how to discuss this with him though since my hubby has always said it's my decision to make and he's fine with it either way. To me, part of supporting you through labor is making sure that you feel as confident and comfortable as possible and if that includes having a doula, then that is just another way your husband can best support you. I hope he can see where you're coming from, but at the end of the day I agree with other posters that no doula is worth fighting over. You can do this with or without one and having a husband's support is incredibly precious. I'm actually not having a doula this time, as much as I loved having one before, because I feel like having just my husband there is what I'd prefer for this birth. He's proved himself capable.

kynbar5 · December 2015

I think it all comes down to making decisions on how you prefer your birth to be. While I honestly believe that OBs and nurses get a bad representation because of one bad interaction I'd never bad mouth the midwife or doula route. These are all human beings with all different perspectives. I think it's just as easy to find a midwife you disagree with as an OB. I also kind of disagree with the whole "I want my doctor to be a woman" deal. My OB is a man but I trust him profusely and he's never led me in the wrong direction. I believe if you find someone that you truly trust to keep your best interest and wants/needs in mind then whoever helps bring your baby into the world while keeping you and baby safe and healthy should be all you really need to consider. Yes, medical "interventions" have become more common but that's not just because they have all these new gadgets. It's also because people and babies have changed right along with everything that goes into our bodies (food, vitamins, medicine, etc.). More women are having multiples than ever before too but are we blaming that on nurses and OBs?

cmerribury · December 2015

Agreed, and to your point, @kynbar5, the only person I got pissed at (and yelled at) in the entire process was the midwife who was delivering me. (My OB was weeks from retirement so I got whomever was on call, which happened to be a CNM.) She wasn't listening to me saying I needed a break and was rushing me to make my final push through a contraction. I was passing out between pushes due to blood loss and really needed one more contraction to get him out. Out of everyone that day, she was the only one who didn't listen to me. That said, I KNOW there are wonderful midwives and doulas out there (I have personal friends who are doulas). Its not for me, but as long as both mom and dad (or mom and mom) are on the same page, doulas are great for those who want to use their services.

To the person who asked about coat, it really varies with services and geographic location. Some doulas will go through the entire process with you (every appointment, etc.) and some are only there for delivery. I believe where I live the starting rate is $1200. Insurance does not cover a doula.

skruhmin · December 2015

That's too bad you had that experience @cmerribury . I have had nothing but awesome things to say about all the midwives I've been under care with. My "bad" experience was with an OB - not her fault or anything, just more association than anything. I was in her care when I had my miscarriage. I refused to go back to her, almost because of PTSD type of thing.

kynbar5 · December 2015

@skruhmin not love titing the miscarriage at all. The fact that you've had good experiences and I don't blame you for not going back. It is definitely hard.

flowerpower5838 · December 2015

I had a bad midwife experience when I was going through an ectopic pregnancy. They sent me home from L&D even though I was bleeding through overnight pads and told me bleeding was normal. All she did was push on my stomach a little and ask if I was in pain (I wasn't, but I have a fairly high pain tolerance). I could have died if my instinct didn't tell me to go to my OB anyway. I certainly don't think all midwives were bad just because I encountered a negligent one. But I agree that some people are quick to think the other way around - bad OB/hospital experience, so they are all bad and midwives are the best.

ETA: Rather, that's my perceived viewpoint since I see more people complain about OBs than midwives I guess.

cmerribury · December 2015

skruhmin said:
That's too bad you had that experience @cmerribury . I have had nothing but awesome things to say about all the midwives I've been under care with. My "bad" experience was with an OB - not her fault or anything, just more association than anything. I was in her care when I had my miscarriage. I refused to go back to her, almost because of PTSD type of thing.

I totally understand that. I have a friend who won't go back to my OB for the same reason. Sorry you went through that.

SarahFoley725 · December 2015

I honestly never did any research on midwives. I don't even have a clue what makes them different than a regular doctor. I hadn't found a new doctor after we moved so when I got a positive test I just went on my insurance website and pulled up providers my area. The first Office that I called was horrible and the receptionist made me cry. I have a regular periods but I also have a husband who travels a lot so I know within a three day range when I could've gotten pregnant. She told me that I just wasn't giving her enough good information which is in a very reassuring way to start off being a parent. Anyway I called the next office on the list and not to my doctor is.

kitteh81 · December 2015

kynbar5 said:

I think it all comes down to making decisions on how you prefer your birth to be. While I honestly believe that OBs and nurses get a bad representation because of one bad interaction I'd never bad mouth the midwife or doula route. These are all human beings with all different perspectives. I think it's just as easy to find a midwife you disagree with as an OB. I also kind of disagree with the whole "I want my doctor to be a woman" deal. My OB is a man but I trust him profusely and he's never led me in the wrong direction. I believe if you find someone that you truly trust to keep your best interest and wants/needs in mind then whoever helps bring your baby into the world while keeping you and baby safe and healthy should be all you really need to consider. Yes, medical "interventions" have become more common but that's not just because they have all these new gadgets. It's also because people and babies have changed right along with everything that goes into our bodies (food, vitamins, medicine, etc.). More women are having multiples than ever before too but are we blaming that on nurses and OBs?

At first I thought this reply was really out of place in this thread, because no one has said anything negative about nurses or OBs in any of the comments? But then I thought that maybe it's in response to the link I posted, which I still don't think is unfairly disparaging of modern-day medicine or OBs. Certainly it might be critical of early medicine, but that's because early medicine did more harm than good, what with doctors spreading life-threatening infections because they didn't know they ought to be washing their hands between patients.

The statistics given regarding the various interventions average American births is not OBs getting a bad rap based on "one bad interaction." That's just statistical facts based on research done. I do think that the level of interventions today is unnecessarily high, and I think that those statistics can be lowered by having low-risk pregnancies routinely covered by midwives and the higher risk cases taken over by OBs. Something as seemingly innocuous as being induced can set a labor up for the "cascade of interventions." Of course, not all OBs are eager to push medical interventions, but the statistics show that in general birth in America is highly managed, even when it doesn't necessarily need to be. In my opinion, the best set up would be to have CNMs working closely with OBs in a hospital setting, so that all possible scenarios can be managed appropriately.

Regardless, I think that having a doula applies both to situations involving OBs AND midwives, as long as the labor is taking place in a setting where the primary caregiver might have more than one patient to care for at any given time. The doula can provide consistent, on-going support in situations where the laboring mother might not receive that from her OB or midwife.

Also, just as a somewhat random aside, I've heard of a number of male doulas operating in the greater LA area. So it's not just women anymore!

kynbar5 · December 2015

@kitteh81 ?

kitteh81 · December 2015

Hi @kynbar5 (now 6?) I quoted you first and then edited in my comments because that seems to be the only way to get the quote function to work properly, at least as far as I've been able to figure out.

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