Rave: DH is a weight lifter and goes to the gym for anywhere between 1-2 hours each day, sometimes twice a day. I on the other hand, am not fond of the gym so this is something that takes time away from us being together. Lately he's been trying to go either very early morning before work, while DD and I are still asleep or at night after he's done DD's bedtime routine and gotten her down. I know it's easier for him to go directly after work in the afternoons so I appreciate so much him trying to make sure he spends as little time as possible away from us. I especially appreciate him coming home to take care of DD and giving me a break. He's also started making his days off from work his "off" days at the gym as well so that he's ours for the entire day.
Rant: ok so my 30th bday was last week. Yay! Haha. Dh, lo and I went to visit family in vegas over the holiday. Lo was born 1 day before dhs bday in june. I had planned a fun outing with friends for dhs bday and got him an Uber nice 100 dollar gaming keyboard and some beer. Clearly we didn't get to do his bday thing since I was induced with lo. For my bday dh made me a wobbly wooden like garden thing for herbs to put near the kitchen window. One I already have a little herb garden thing about 10 feet away that works fine and I don't really grow any herbs to begin with. Also our kitchen window has a screen so I would still have to go outside to water and pick the herbs. He also got a wooden frame from work about 1 year ago to put baby pictures on which we had been planning so he got the foam board on it, printed some pictures with missing ink so about 5 of the 10 look awful and pinned them. I'm not trying to be superficial and say something has to be store bought because it certainly doesn't. But he could have cleaned out the raised garden beds for me or something else. He even talked about the herb thing and I said that what I had was fine 6 months ago. He really likes to always have a project and build stuff and since he finished his wood shed I think he was just bored. He didn't plan anything for my birthday or anything else. I'm pretty pissed off about the whole thing mostly because every year he doesn't even try and I always try to make his birthday special, this year he says 'we need to be more economical and we didn't do anything for my birthday, which I understand why' I responded with 'you still got a super nice gaming keyboard and we planned something sorry we couldn't go out' (I had a 70 hour labor) he also still buys nice beer and cigars for himself. I'm just mad, I feel like once again he sucked at my birthday, also didn't get me anything from lo. He knows I really like getting a card and just says 'oh that's stupid'. I keep every birthday card, I have a giant stack of them. Not sure what to do right now I'm just mad and ignoring him and trying to not lose my sh*t.
Rave: I'm dealing with some PPD right now and DH is being so awesome. He took the rest of the week off to take care of me. He took me to my appointment this morning, took me to Panera for lunch, and took me for a mani/pedi and even got a pedi himself. He's a keeper.
Neither rant or rave, just a blah. DH and I have both been super swamped at work this past week, and it's going to get worse next week because of deadlines, etc.
LO has been sick lately, and we had a serious problem trying to figure out who was going to stay home with her if she got sent home from daycare.
Just hoping to make it through these next 2 weeks, and then things will slow down again.
I wish we had opposite schedules so we could support each other. Right now the 2 of us are just coexisting until we can get on top of things.
@messymolly08 my hubby is a weightlifter too and quit his club to train at home which saves a lot of time but he still does it right after work when I'd love a break. I'd love for him to get up early...
Neither rant or rave, just a blah. DH and I have both been super swamped at work this past week, and it's going to get worse next week because of deadlines, etc.
LO has been sick lately, and we had a serious problem trying to figure out who was going to stay home with her if she got sent home from daycare.
Just hoping to make it through these next 2 weeks, and then things will slow down again.
I wish we had opposite schedules so we could support each other. Right now the 2 of us are just coexisting until we can get on top of things.
This is us too this week. I really wanted to complain about my stress to DH when he got home, but he had as bad a day as I did, if not worse. We have two more weeks before things settle down for us. Hope you guys can hang in there until things calm down!
Rave: So, we just moved to a new house because I finally got a job post baby. I start in 2 weeks so I'm still taking most of the morning and daytime childcare responsibility. Today, I go to get out of bed to feed little one at 7 like I always do and my leg decides to give out from under me with a full drink in my hand. I start crying, partly from pain and partly because I was upset for getting sticky drink stuff all over the freshly cleaned hardwood. DH hops out of bed and gets me comfy on the couch, cleans up the mess and brings me the baby with all her stuff so I barely have to move until he can come home on lunch to help me. He would have taken the day off had he had any time left.
Rave: after many years of chewing, DH decided to quit on Monday and is dedicated to the effort. I hated the smell of that shit so I am elated that he's trying to be done... And the health benefits, I should probably say that too.
Rant: on the weekends we need to get a ton of stuff done, so when we get home from work during the week, we can relax. Well DH will seclude himself to the office to search for items that we may need around the house. Like an outdoor umbrella, or a table for a room. Items that are not time sensitive or are not necessarily going to make our lives easier on a daily basis. Meanwhile, I'm running around vacuuming, cooking, scrubbing toilets, etc. When I ask what the hell he's doing, he'll get offended and act as if he's doing us a giant favor by searching for these items. Ok, I get it. You're trying to better our home, but you can do that on the laptop while we're watching tv. It doesn't have to be done right now. I don't know how to explain to him, in a calm manner, that will get through his defensive skull, why we need to do certain tasks first and others can wait.
We took a few days to visit friends in DC. DH was banned from city driving a few years ago because he gets anxious and mean. But we forgot, and he had to do a lot of driving - but totally rocked it! I messed up navigation once, and DH didn't freak out.
It was about a six hour drive, we listened to a book on "tape" and got to talk and enjoy the ride. When we finally got out of the city on the drive home, after a few tense moments (which would have created a fight a few weeks ago, but didn't today), DH grabbed my hand and said, "I love my wife and this life we have".
Me too, babe. Love my husband. Glad we are finding ourselves again. Someone told me it takes 6 months to a year, and that seems about right.
More a DH "loving eye roll": every year we go to buy a Christmas tree, and I say "DH, don't you think that might be too tall for our house?" And every year, he says no and we end up having to cut top branches or part of the bottom off because... I'm always right. Love him!
I also understand the time sensitive stuff. Like dishes and laundry need to be done now. Not the damn yard and the leaves.. Drives me insane. And dh never gets why I'm like 'yea the yard' because it's winter it can wait and he didn't do anything inside.
Rave: I was given the opportunity to apply for a job teaching my ideal grade and subject. DH and I had made very solid plans regarding my staying home a full year, and I was concerned about bringing up this job to him. He doesn't like change and he just got switched to a shift that he's been pining over.
So, I tell him. I tell him that I feel like I have to at least apply, even if I don't feel confident about getting it (the district is a tough one to get into without connections). His tells me that they're basically dumb if they don't at least interview me, to apply, and he'll switch shifts to watch LO during the day. He didn't even miss a beat.
He's not one to compliment me, or say things like that without prompting (which is fine, I hate compliments). I was brought to tears. I was so nervous about even talking about it. Even if I don't get the job, I'm glad that he supports me doing what I love.
So I got LO down to bed at 8:30 today. Granted, DH gave her a bath, but everything else has been on me all week. Well, I'm sick with a brutal head cold and am dying for some rest to recover and he has tomorrow off. LO wakes up at 10:30 so I ask him just to go in, rub her belly and shhh her back to sleep. He tries..for 90 seconds before he picks her up and brings her to me saying 'what do I do?' ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? It's not like it's even the MOTN...it's 10 freaking 30. So I'm comforting LO and he's passed out beside me. Grrrrrr. Okay, rant over.
@JessHeppell if there is even a slight chance he could be a good husband and father I think it's worth giving it a shot (with therapy perhaps?)... Sorry I do not remember any specific details of your relationship issues but I wish you peace and happiness!
@JessHeppell is he trying? Or are you the only one putting out any effort? Has he at least come in the car and picked you and LO up, instead of making you walk? WITHOUT YOU HAVING TO ASK FOR THE RIDE?
@JessHeppell If I were you, I would start documenting everything if you haven't already. If things really go south, a dated list will go far in a custody battle in court. Unsubstantiated he-said she-said is much harder.
he keeps asking if im going to work on things with him. asking if we are still together and that kind of thing because he feels i just up and left, he says he gave me the choice to stay or leave but i dont feel that was the case.
i honestly feel i do need some sort of therapy/counselling personal to help me in the direction of healing from the past, it has planted a lot of bitterness towards him in my heart. but even with that i dont know if ill be able to love and trust him again.
You should be bitter @JessHeppell people treat there dogs better than his he treated you. He will try manipulating the situation, he needs you back because he can't tell his friends and family you left with the baby because he's a total dick. He's humiliated and wants it swept under the carpet. I know you posted about your LO in your current environment and how hard it is but I'm sure it can't be harder than living with your ex.
If he makes you doubt your self worth, can't make you laugh and smile, doesn't bring you happiness but lots of worry/stress then you shouldn't go back, you've mAde such a brave decision and I'm sure it seems hard now but it'll get easier, it may take time but you will get there. He hasn't changed, he won't change, he's just trying to guilt you into coming back and your better than that.
Go get some counselling , start a diary and start playing hardball. You will not inconvenience yourself or your baby for him. You will not be out in the cold for him to see his child. If he wants to see his child he can come and meet you and take the child (maybe with someone else you trust) for the day or he can see him at s play centre. If he wants to participate in LO s life he needs to start paying maintenance.
I've watched friends go down a similar path and the reality is it becomes more controlling, more abusive and they get a stronger grip hold on you. Never doubt that you did the right thing
he keeps asking if im going to work on things with him.
he says he gave me the choice to stay or leave but i dont feel that was the case.
i dont know if ill be able to love and trust him again.
I kept these sentences because they are the ones that embody the gist of what I want to say
1) is he telling you that HE wants to work on things? Or just asking you if YOU will work on things? ~ relationships are a two way street, and from what I remember of his behavior, he expects all the give to come from you. What is HE giving?
2) if you feel like your only option was to leave, that probably WAS your only option. You can't let him re-write history
3) if you can't love and trust someone, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. Love and trust are something that must be EARNED. So, he needs to EARN that back.
I'd pretty much make a demand of couples counseling if he wants to try to work it out.
he keeps asking if im going to work on things with him.
he says he gave me the choice to stay or leave but i dont feel that was the case.
i dont know if ill be able to love and trust him again.
I kept these sentences because they are the ones that embody the gist of what I want to say
1) is he telling you that HE wants to work on things? Or just asking you if YOU will work on things? ~ relationships are a two way street, and from what I remember of his behavior, he expects all the give to come from you. What is HE giving?
2) if you feel like your only option was to leave, that probably WAS your only option. You can't let him re-write history
3) if you can't love and trust someone, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. Love and trust are something that must be EARNED. So, he needs to EARN that back.
I'd pretty much make a demand of couples counseling if he wants to try to work it out.
All of this. This is great advice.
And 4) does he actually have the baby's best interest in mind? Because from what you've told us, he is not a responsible father. Maybe he has an emotional attachment, but it doesn't sound like he ever actually took responsibility. This includes not feeding you, when you're EBF and he had the time; and asking you to walk the baby in the cold.
I add this because sometimes people think you should work on a marriage "for the kids." But if you're not feeling it, and he's not doing right for LO, then nope nope nope.
@JessHeppell you have gotten a lot of great advice from these ladies and it sounds like they know a lot more about your relationship than I can really recall.. I would like to stress that it would be really prudent to talk to a lawyer if you choose to split.... It's really hard to have him play emotional games with you and LO when it comes to custody and visitation issues now or even 5 years from now... It may seem like it's jumping the gun but it is so important to know what is going to happen with that so that you can adequately plan for your life with LO.
I asked for help at night for only the 2nd time in 6 months last night and dh was worse than useless. He tried for only a few minutes to get LO back to sleep and when it didn't happen immediately took him out to the living room to play at 2 in the morning. Wtf. You have to actually put in a few minutes of effort. We ended up just fighting before I took LO back. I just want more than 2 hours of sleep at a time
DH does that or he will lay LO with me while he makes the bottle or ask me to change him. My fav is when he lays him with me screaming so he can go poo for 30 mins....why even get up? I sneak out and make sure not to wake him and if LO is especially fussy I stay in the living room.
Mine still likes to play the whole "my job is more important so I need more sleep" card. I'm pretty sure my full time job that makes almost as much as his is just as important. I haven't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep at one time in over 5 months.
KaLikeAWind
member
Re: DH / SO rants and raves - December
This is totally me right now. Anytime my DH is home, that means he can be occupied with LO while I play Fallout.
Again. I'm so sorry.
(Laughing. Cringing.)
LO has been sick lately, and we had a serious problem trying to figure out who was going to stay home with her if she got sent home from daycare.
Just hoping to make it through these next 2 weeks, and then things will slow down again.
I wish we had opposite schedules so we could support each other. Right now the 2 of us are just coexisting until we can get on top of things.
It was about a six hour drive, we listened to a book on "tape" and got to talk and enjoy the ride. When we finally got out of the city on the drive home, after a few tense moments (which would have created a fight a few weeks ago, but didn't today), DH grabbed my hand and said, "I love my wife and this life we have".
Me too, babe. Love my husband. Glad we are finding ourselves again. Someone told me it takes 6 months to a year, and that seems about right.
So, I tell him. I tell him that I feel like I have to at least apply, even if I don't feel confident about getting it (the district is a tough one to get into without connections). His tells me that they're basically dumb if they don't at least interview me, to apply, and he'll switch shifts to watch LO during the day. He didn't even miss a beat.
He's not one to compliment me, or say things like that without prompting (which is fine, I hate compliments). I was brought to tears. I was so nervous about even talking about it. Even if I don't get the job, I'm glad that he supports me doing what I love.
Eta: this is a rant, definitely not a rave!
he keeps asking if im going to work on things with him. asking if we are still together and that kind of thing because he feels i just up and left, he says he gave me the choice to stay or leave but i dont feel that was the case.
i honestly feel i do need some sort of therapy/counselling personal to help me in the direction of healing from the past, it has planted a lot of bitterness towards him in my heart. but even with that i dont know if ill be able to love and trust him again.
If he makes you doubt your self worth, can't make you laugh and smile, doesn't bring you happiness but lots of worry/stress then you shouldn't go back, you've mAde such a brave decision and I'm sure it seems hard now but it'll get easier, it may take time but you will get there. He hasn't changed, he won't change, he's just trying to guilt you into coming back and your better than that.
Go get some counselling , start a diary and start playing hardball. You will not inconvenience yourself or your baby for him. You will not be out in the cold for him to see his child. If he wants to see his child he can come and meet you and take the child (maybe with someone else you trust) for the day or he can see him at s play centre. If he wants to participate in LO s life he needs to start paying maintenance.
I've watched friends go down a similar path and the reality is it becomes more controlling, more abusive and they get a stronger grip hold on you. Never doubt that you did the right thing
1) is he telling you that HE wants to work on things? Or just asking you if YOU will work on things?
~ relationships are a two way street, and from what I remember of his behavior, he expects all the give to come from you. What is HE giving?
2) if you feel like your only option was to leave, that probably WAS your only option. You can't let him re-write history
3) if you can't love and trust someone, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. Love and trust are something that must be EARNED. So, he needs to EARN that back.
I'd pretty much make a demand of couples counseling if he wants to try to work it out.
And 4) does he actually have the baby's best interest in mind? Because from what you've told us, he is not a responsible father. Maybe he has an emotional attachment, but it doesn't sound like he ever actually took responsibility. This includes not feeding you, when you're EBF and he had the time; and asking you to walk the baby in the cold.
I add this because sometimes people think you should work on a marriage "for the kids." But if you're not feeling it, and he's not doing right for LO, then nope nope nope.
I haven't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep at one time in over 5 months.