Silencing the miscarriage

lilurbanik · December 2015

So, the other day I posted an UO that got pretty heated and mostly misinterpreted. The rebuttal was about society silencing miscarriage. This really got me thinking...our biggest silencer is ourself.
How many woman are waiting until 12 weeks to tell people? Why, in case something happens? Is it to save the uncomfortable conversation about the loss?
Of the women I've personally known who have lost babies, when they told me it wasn't uncomfortable for me, it was sad and I wanted to help them heal. We've put this own constraint ourselves. And we leave ourselves to mourn privately because of it. This 12 week waiting period is us silencing ourselves.

Eta: a little backstory, what sparked this thought was my DH. We were at his work Christmas party and he told just about everyone there that we were pregnant. He was proud and excited, he wasn't concerned about waiting 12 weeks. And when I mentioned it, he said "so, then we tell people that".

LaurenAsh23 · December 2015

I have not hid this pregnancy for this very reason. I have had 2 losses and have been more open about each pregnancy since them. I am not announcing my pregnancy by any means, and probably never really will, but I am not hiding it either and have told a number of people, which is something I wouldn't have done in the past.

PugsandKisses · December 2015

Society has for a long time felt that while it is a "life" it is not here and does not make a difference.

When we told my Grand MIL about our first, her exact words was "oh, umm. good luck. I hope you dont lose it". She was being honest and was surprised that was told so 'early".

However, if you ever talk to a mother who lost a child, they may never talk about it. But ask them how old that child will be, they can tell you exactly. Including my mother about my brother (born sleeping at 8 months).

fleurdelakeview · December 2015

I see it both ways. I've had two previous losses, the first being a MMC at almost 10 weeks. We told everyone right out the gate with that one (at about 6w). I wasn't ashamed and I shared my loss publicly as I did my pregnancy. I felt a lot of support from everyone around me which was very helpful and the transparency was good for a lot of reasons. For that reason, I think being open can be a very good thing.

I am not sharing this time around but not because I don't want people to know if I have a miscarriage. In fact, if I do have one, I will probably tell my close family and friends. I look at it more as something we are cherishing for ourselves for now because once I announce, everyone will know and it won't be just us anymore.

Edited to Add: I also understand why people don't share because they don't want to publicly grieve. Both choices are equally okay.

Words are hard today and so are complete thoughts!

DobbysSock · December 2015

I'll be totally honest, I do think your UO was a bit insensitive. I think it's absolutely valid to avoid those threads if they heighten your anxieties, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I don't think actually having the opinion is wrong, but I do think sharing it on a board where some of those loss moms may still lurk, or other moms who have had previous losses may read it and be hurt is the part that is insensitive. I do understand that you weren't asking for those stories not to be posted. It's also the Unpopular Opinions post and you're entitled to share whatever UO you may have. I just think it might have been an opinion better kept to yourself because of the potential of causing pain to others by sharing it. That said - I don't think you said it intentionally to hurt anyone and I do see how it got misinterpreted to people assuming you meant the stories shouldn't be shared, and I hope that everyone can move on from it.

I do agree with you about us silencing ourselves by waiting until 12 weeks to share the news. I get that some people prefer to keep things private which is fine, but I think the more women who are comfortable sharing early pregnancy and discussing loss the more the stigma will decrease, which is a great thing. We aren't announcing widely yet but all of our immediate family know and we've started telling our friends as it comes up in conversation.

stillcozy · December 2015

Sharing with the world and sharing with family is very different. I don't need Facebook or acquaintances to know that I'm pregnant I need tons of useless crappy unsolicited advice before I am good and ready. I'm not ashamed I'm cautious and if I was to lose this little one I would grieve with my close ones not the world.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to handle this. And we need to be careful that our statements don't sound like we are judging others if they have a differing opinion.

DobbysSock · December 2015

I agree with you @Lindsayleigh1989 and just in case my phrasing came out wrong in my post, I think that keeping it private until you're past the 12 week mark (or whatever point is a point of comfort for that person) is completely fine and I don't think it's our "job as women" to break down the stigma by sharing something we aren't comfortable with. Some people find comfort in public grieving, some people find comfort in a small group of close loved ones, and some people prefer to keep their grief private. There's no wrong way to grieve and there's no wrong way to handle the anxieties of early pregnancy (or anything wrong with having no anxieties in early pregnancy). Just feel how you feel and do what you need to do.

lilurbanik · December 2015

I just find it interesting that the overall norm is to wait 12 weeks. We told family right away. I was originally going to wait to tell everyone else, but I think I'm just going to let the news come out as it may. I'm 7w3d today.

stillcozy · December 2015

I think many tell close family and friends before and pubically after. I personally don't want to go through a miscarriage on Facebook that truly sounds awful to me.

lilurbanik · December 2015

@Lindsayleigh1989 honestly, I don't think I want to go through this whole pregnancy and parenting on Facebook. I'm more of a private person and Facebook is full of people I don't talk to on a normal basis. I'm actually rethinking the whole Facebook announcement. But, most likely, I will tell extended family at Christmas and my friends when I see them.

KASG · December 2015

I'm only "hiding" it because we want to tell my mom first and in person... She lives 600 miles away so it will be Christmas when we get there. DH also wants to show her a sonogram so that's why we are waiting.

I saw a girl on Facebook post her digital test. Good for her. I wouldn't have, for the same reason I didn't post my engagement ring immediately: so I can tell my family personally first.

LinzerBinzer · December 2015

I locked down my fb page already so we can tell whoever we want and they can't post on my page or tag me, etc. We've also asked those who already know to keep it off social media until they get our announcement in the mail and our fb pages are unlocked. I want to tell some people now without having to answer a bajillion questions. We're also waiting to tell some family members in person, and I don't want them to find out on fb.

I'm not so concerned about the MC issue. I have a friend who lost her baby at ~35 weeks. She couldn't grieve without people knowing and the way people rallied around her was really beautiful.

We're doing a New Years themed announcement, probably sending just before Xmas (we always send New Years cards instead of Xmas cards), so people we haven't already told will find out when I'm about 11 weeks.

That being said I haven't thought much about when to tell work...

stillcozy · December 2015

@LinzerBinzer we made the same no social media announcing request of our family until we can tell everyone we want to in person

BostonBaby1 · December 2015

Honestly, this makes me stabby.

I've lost 4 in a row now. Single, twins, single. I'm not "hiding" this pregnancy but you can bet I'm not about to announce it until 14 weeks or later. I want the NT scan and free-cell DNA back first. I share about my pregnancy with those who have supported me through the losses but there are TONS of insensitive people. I'd rather not have everybody's looks of pity or talk about my losses if I'm having a happy upbeat day.

thebigoaktree · December 2015

LinzerBinzer said:

I locked down my fb page already so we can tell whoever we want and they can't post on my page or tag me, etc. We've also asked those who already know to keep it off social media until they get our announcement in the mail and our fb pages are unlocked. I want to tell some people now without having to answer a bajillion questions. We're also waiting to tell some family members in person, and I don't want them to find out on fb. I'm not so concerned about the MC issue. I have a friend who lost her baby at ~35 weeks. She couldn't grieve without people knowing and the way people rallied around her was really beautiful. We're doing a New Years themed announcement, probably sending just before Xmas (we always send New Years cards instead of Xmas cards), so people we haven't already told will find out when I'm about 11 weeks. That being said I haven't thought much about when to tell work...

I actually did the same thing with shutting down my facebook page, just because we've told all the parents and I don't need some goofball of a relative spilling the beans before we get a chance too.

I started telling people at my job around 8 weeks, after we had our confirmation appointment, my mom knew the day after I found out. DH waited till thanksgiving to tell his family. Am I scared of MC, yes horribly scared, but I've come into the mindset that this is something I can not control, my body is in charge of this whole thing and I need to trust my body. I wish MC's weren't such a taboo topic. I don't know if we just haven't moved on from a time period where we as woman can still not talk about this sort of thing with out being seen as a failure in reproducing.

MamaBish · December 2015

People should share however much they want to share whenever they want to share it.

I wanted to wait to tell our families because I hate the idea of getting their hopes up again. The pain is so immense. We decided to tell them anyway, but I don't feel like telling the world yet. People say some horribly offensive things. Example:" oh you two will for sure be parents this time" ummm pretty sure we already are parents. those people are everywhere and it's not helpful for them to be around when you are already terrified and emotional.

If we lose this one, the world will know. I won't be silent about it. But they don't need to stress us out more right now, we've got that part covered.

BostonBaby1 · December 2015

* Sorry for the delete but I'm editing because I don't want to commit the negativity to a permanent space.

juliagulia38 · December 2015

We've shared early with all my pregnancies. With my first I was still in college, so we told family. I never made a formal FB announcement. With my second we told family and some friends and I lost it before we had the chance to go to the doctor. My family wasn't happy and my dad told me not to tell my grandparents. It's been 4 years and they just found out. With my last and this one, we told family and made a fb announcement before the 12 weeks. I didn't know miscarriages were common. I wish I would have told more people, maybe I would have had more shoulders to cry on. I felt so alone and it was awful. I'd rather share and IF I loose this one, then maybe I can help someone else that is grieving. It's totally up to the individual and when they feel comfortable sharing. There's no "right" time.

Nerdchild · December 2015

I think it is all individual. My 'circle of trust' is very large and includes our parents, siblings, neighbors, coworkers, and our closest friends. My mother has called twice to admit that she told two people; the mother of one of my sister's best friends and my old 4th grade teacher who is a patient at her office, and both times I was absolutely okay with her sharing the news. The only person I am really keeping it a secret from is my grandfather, who we are telling at Christmas. I can tell you with confidence that if the next 31 weeks have trouble in store I would not only feel okay personally telling each and every person who knows, but would be able to receive support from all of them. Not everyone wants this kind of attention, but I am not a very private person.

That being said, I think we can definitely treat this board as a safe place. While I understand that reading loss threads can instill fear, my gut reaction (and this may be the naive thoughts of someone who has not experienced loss) is to try to project support and condolences for someone going through a hardship I could never imagine. I don't want to read about someone losing their child ONLY because I wish they didn't have to experience losing their child, not because I imagine losing my own (enter my naivete here). That being said, everyone should feel safe posting here. There are a few threads on here that I have skipped over because I knew I wouldn't get anything out of them, and everyone here is capable of doing the exact same thing.

mrsmommya · December 2015

I did not want everyone at work and the world to know because I did want to grieve privately. I work at a Catholic school and we are all VERY close. Although, I would have appreciated the thoughts and prayers I know everyone would have felt they needed to console me and ask how I was doing. I didn't want that constant reminder...especially if I was having a good day. For me, it just put me in control of when/how/who I wanted to talk about it.

Hear Me Ro · December 2015

I don't want to tell the world, not because I'm ashamed or because I'm "silencing" myself. I'm refraining because I don't want to have to then tell everyone if I MC. I don't want to get the looks, or people whispering about me. It's exhausting.

I'm already dealing with the anxiety of percentages and getting past the "milestone" date and being scared that every twinge could be the beginning of the end. I don't need the anxiety of having to break the news to be on me, also.

The only people we've told so far are immediate family. They would be supportive and it wouldn't be exhausting to talk to them about it.

It really sucks to have the happiness and excitement of pregnancy taken over by the fear of miscarriage, but it's my reality and I'm doing my best.

pmnf26 · December 2015

I completely agree with so many responses her. It is up to every individual and what they feel most comfortable doing. I myself have had three miscarriages, I have never announced publicly. We told more people the first one, then no one the second or third pregnancy. Not even family. I did tell my mom after the miscarriages since I was having d&c and although the risk of anything going wrong I still wanted to let her know just in case.

I am hoping I get to the point where I can publicly announce and I was thinking about even doing it around 11 weeks. I planned to mention that I we have experienced reoccurring miscarriages and fertility treatments so that in case there is anyone that it would help give hope/ support to, and they can reach out to me if they are in the same situation or have questions. I know what a lonely journey it can be and I think it would make me happy to be able to help someone. It's not easy to see a new pregnancy announcement everyday when you are struggling and have had multiple losses. I feel ready to be more open this time around and share our journey. So maybe not just every individual is different, but every pregnancy too

comealongponds · December 2015

We've kept things quiet so far because we weren't sure if we'd want everyone to know if we had a loss. After my threatened miscarriage this past week, we actually ended up telling both our parents and DH's brothers for the family support. I also spilled to a close friend (and supervisor) at work when I called to ask for some personal time off. The fam now knows that Pond is still kicking, and that we're cautiously optimistic, but we're keeping it from the rest of the world until after the first trimester. This has been such a roller coaster of emotion so far, I don't really feel like having my extended circle involved, I prefer to keep things close until we're a little more certain of the outcome. I think it's a very personal choice and there's no right or wrong, just what is right for each individual/family.

tripledaggerWed95976 · December 2015

With my first pregnancy I was very naive, I didn't know the stats on miscarriage- we were so excited that we immediately announced to everyone including on my FB. Just 3 weeks after announcing, we lost our baby and then had to "announce" the miscarriage on FB... Basically announcing our pain with friends, aquaintences, and mostly people I rarely or never talk to. Having to make that announcement only added to my pain and anxiety. I would never announce on FB before 14 weeks again. We did tell our friends and family this time around though.

carrieandr · December 2015

Getting happily congratulated on your pregnancy after you miscarried is hard. I've been there. I burst into tears at the gym the day I found out I was going to miscarry because one of the trainers said something and I had to tell her the news before I was capable of speaking the words without crying. I also had to have dinner with my husband's clients while I was waiting to see if I would miscarry naturally. He had told them the news the day before I found out we had lost the baby.

The second time I got pregnant, I told my parents and sister the day I found out, but it wasn't a happy announcement. It was a cautious "we'll see what happens" sort of thing. I lost it a week later.

This time, my husband is the only one who knows. (And my Bump email buddy and the boards I participate in.) I'm waiting so that when I tell my parents and sister, I can surprise them with the happy news that we are farther along this time and have had successful ultrasounds.

So I am not open about pregnancy, but I AM open about miscarriage. I told all my friends after I miscarried because I needed the support and I couldn't stand the idea of pretending the pregnancies never happened. I gave them the news of the pregnancy and miscarriage at the same time. And when other people, like my hairdresser, ask when I'm going to have kids, I say we're working on it and I've had a couple of miscarriages. Often times, they tell me they have had one as well. I don't say it awkwardly, so it isn't awkward. It ends up being a better conversation than if I had given some excuse through clenched teeth.

The best support I've received has definitely been from the women on the Bump. So when you see a goodbye post, instead of getting nervous, be thankful that you are pregnant and offer some compassion to the person that is saying goodbye not only to you, but to the baby they were so looking forward to having. They need that compassion more than you know.

AL_TwinCities · December 2015

CarrieandRoy said:
The best support I've received has definitely been from the women on the Bump. So when you see a goodbye post, instead of getting nervous, be thankful that you are pregnant and offer some compassion to the person that is saying goodbye not only to you, but to the baby they were so looking forward to having. They need that compassion more than you know.

This is so on point. It can be scary to see so many farewell posts, but empathy and compassion for those posters will make a huge difference in their lives and healing. I selfishly didn't respond to one or two this week and felt terrible about it, because I know how helpful it was for me to hear compassionate words from other bumpies during my loss. Fear doesn't cause miscarriage, and if we offer even a simple comment of "I'm sorry" to another woman, it will make their pain feel recognized. I promised myself this week that I will not let my selfish fear overpower the need for empathy for these loss moms. Not wanting them to post a goodbye, not reading or commenting their posts, THAT is sweeping miscarriage under the rug. Loss moms deserve better.

tennisbabymama · December 2015

Couldn't agree more with @CarrieandRoy and @AL_TwinCities Thank you ladies.

DobbysSock · December 2015

@Carrieand Roy thank you for sharing. That was beautifully written and hopefully an important reminder for all of us how valuable our empathy and support can be.

acadia07 · December 2015

1) You will not ever understand what it's like to lose a baby until you lose a baby. You just won't. Don't speculate, and don't judge how other women deal with it, because it is one of the most complex, deeply emotional losses a human being could ever experience. I urge you, OP, to try to be a little more compassionate and stop formulating opinions on why women choose to share or not to share, or what the consequences for society are. This is not your battle. I hope it's not ever your battle.

2) I completely disagree that not telling the world about pregnancy before 12 weeks is "silencing misscarriage." I agree with much of what others have said. It's personal. It's very, very personal. The ladies here have given lots of perfectly rational examples as to why they may or may not share. It's a whole lot less about silencing ourselves and a whole lot more about avoiding any extra pain and saving those we love from similar pain.

I, personally, am a lot like Carrie. I shared news of my third pregnancy with quite a few people. And the people who I had not shared with yet (mostly because I had not seen them in person yet), I told after the loss, because ignoring that I had been growing a child felt wrong. I'm open about my miscarriage. But I would NEVER judge a woman negatively who kept it to themselves. Never. If that's how she could best deal with the pain, good for her.

This pregnancy, I shared with my parents and close friends right away, because I needed the support. My inlaws were diicks about my loss, so they won't know about this pregnancy until after my 12w ultrasound. That's a way of saving myself pain if something were to go wrong. I'm sure I would share again with certain people who don't know yet. As far as public sharing, I don't publicly share anything. I don't like pics of my kids on social media. I keep my FB on lock down and my friends are mostly online friends, local mom friends, some family, almost all of whom already know. I'm not into big attention-grabby announcements and whatnot. I tell who is important to me in a more intimate setting. That's how I roll.

silvers626 · December 2015

acadia07 said:
1) You will not ever understand what it's like to lose a baby until you lose a baby. You just won't. Don't speculate, and don't judge how other women deal with it, because it is one of the most complex, deeply emotional losses a human being could ever experience. I urge you, OP, to try to be a little more compassionate and stop formulating opinions on why women choose to share or not to share, or what the consequences for society are. This is not your battle. I hope it's not ever your battle.

2) I completely disagree that not telling the world about pregnancy before 12 weeks is "silencing misscarriage." I agree with much of what others have said. It's personal. It's very, very personal. The ladies here have given lots of perfectly rational examples as to why they may or may not share. It's a whole lot less about silencing ourselves and a whole lot more about avoiding any extra pain and saving those we love from similar pain.

I, personally, am a lot like Carrie. I shared news of my third pregnancy with quite a few people. And the people who I had not shared with yet (mostly because I had not seen them in person yet), I told after the loss, because ignoring that I had been growing a child felt wrong. I'm open about my miscarriage. But I would NEVER judge a woman negatively who kept it to themselves. Never. If that's how she could best deal with the pain, good for her.

All of this! This is exactly what I was thinking but lack the diplomacy to communicate it as above. Thank you @acadia07 for putting this so concisely.

LinzerBinzer · December 2015

acadia07 said:
I'm not into big attention-grabby announcements and whatnot. I tell who is important to me in a more intimate setting. That's how I roll.

This sounds a little judgey mcjudgerson, and I'm not sure you meant it that way after stating you wouldn't judge someone related to not speaking up...

There are a lot of people who don't live near the friends or family members they want to share the news with, so sharing the news in a "more intimate setting" doesn't always work well. I'm also not sure I could make the number of phone calls I would want to make! I think this really just depends on the individual and their friends/family.

Just sharing another perspective on this one.

PugsandKisses · December 2015

LinzerBinzer said:

acadia07 said:
I'm not into big attention-grabby announcements and whatnot. I tell who is important to me in a more intimate setting. That's how I roll.
This sounds a little judgey mcjudgerson, and I'm not sure you meant it that way after stating you wouldn't judge someone related to not speaking up... There are a lot of people who don't live near the friends or family members they want to share the news with, so sharing the news in a "more intimate setting" doesn't always work well. I'm also not sure I could make the number of phone calls I would want to make! I think this really just depends on the individual and their friends/family.

Just sharing another perspective on this one.

Yep. My inlaws live 2000 miles away. They gets and text message.

acadia07 · December 2015

LinzerBinzer said:

acadia07 said:
I'm not into big attention-grabby announcements and whatnot. I tell who is important to me in a more intimate setting. That's how I roll.
This sounds a little judgey mcjudgerson, and I'm not sure you meant it that way after stating you wouldn't judge someone related to not speaking up... There are a lot of people who don't live near the friends or family members they want to share the news with, so sharing the news in a "more intimate setting" doesn't always work well. I'm also not sure I could make the number of phone calls I would want to make! I think this really just depends on the individual and their friends/family.

Just sharing another perspective on this one.

Not judging, just saying how I personally prefer to share. By intimate setting I mean either in person, phone, email. Not announcing on social media for the masses, near or far. That's what I do. You do what you do. Different strokes.

I shouldn't have used "attention-grabby," because my use of that term is colored by some irritating posts of late regarding these bullshiit reveal parties and such.

didi0308 · December 2015

Maybe we can not be passive aggressive and argumentive on a post about loss ladies? Right place right time. This is the wrong place wrong time.

With that being said, I understand where OP is coming from and I applaud you for making the decision to announce early. As a woman who has been through three losses in one year I don't think me not announcing early is adding to the silence. I am extremely vocal about our infertility issues and our losses. I am 7w1d today and got to see my first ever heartbeat on Thursday. We have told only a handful of people who were aware that we were having fertility treatments. My decision not to tell anymore than that is because I am trying my best to enjoy this pregnancy privately with my husband. I'm keeping it very close and cherishing those moments I have with just us until everyone knows and all the questions, concerns and unsolicited advice starts. If Something should go wrong with this pregnancy I will tell people because my babies existed and I will always acknowledge that. Now, this is MY decision. Every woman is entitled to their own and entitled to deal with the losses anyway they want to.

OP, I hope you never ever find yourself in a position that some of us woman here have been in. I wish you a very happy and healthy 9
Months. But, please don't give advise to woman that you can not relate to and will never understand. I get that your trying to makeup for your UO by being supportive but a simple apology and explaining what you meant was enough.

FiancB · December 2015

I'm currently suffering a loss so I haven't been posting here but I still lurk from time to time...

We told a lot of people that we were pregnant, and now we're telling a lot of people that we're miscarrying. I do think that eventually I will get around to posting something about it on fb, maybe on our EDD or after we are pregnant again or during infant & pregnancy loss awareness month. I do think it's good to be open about it so that the many of us that go through it feel less alone. I don't really regret telling people.

That said, next time we will probably wait until at least 9 weeks. The next pregnancy just isn't going to be as exciting as the first, nor will we need support as much should we lose it. I just don't want to deal with people asking how it's going and then having to tell them I'm miscarrying again. I'm not a super private person, but I would prefer to deal with any future losses privately. Like Boston said, you just never know when you're going to turn around and see a pitying look and it can wreck your day.

didi0308 · December 2015

FiancB said:
I'm currently suffering a loss so I haven't been posting here but I still lurk from time to time...

We told a lot of people that we were pregnant, and now we're telling a lot of people that we're miscarrying. I do think that eventually I will get around to posting something about it on fb, maybe on our EDD or after we are pregnant again or during infant & pregnancy loss awareness month. I do think it's good to be open about it so that the many of us that go through it feel less alone. I don't really regret telling people.

That said, next time we will probably wait until at least 9 weeks. The next pregnancy just isn't going to be as exciting as the first, nor will we need support as much should we lose it. I just don't want to deal with people asking how it's going and then having to tell them I'm miscarrying again. I'm not a super private person, but I would prefer to deal with any future losses privately. Like Boston said, you just never know when you're going to turn around and see a pitying look and it can wreck your day.

Oh girl, I am incredibly sorry for your loss. so many hugs to you.

Allison7 · December 2015

DH had preferred to not share our first loss with anyone, but he also didn't want to talk about it and so the whole thing didn't work for me. I eventually opened up and felt much better about it. My second loss we also hadn't announced, but I was open about the loss. When I was pregnant with DD we waited until we were past loss milestones to share with parents and siblings, but they were under strict orders to not further share until we had the results of our cell-free DNA tests. It is not that we were afraid of sharing the losses, but we did have concerns if we had adverse news from the testing. We don't know what we would do in that situation, but after all of the IF, we just wanted to be able to make decisions regarding our family on our own. We got a lot of unsolicited advice regarding IF while we were trying to conceive (including sex positions and timing tips and a whole lot of nonsense). While DD is fine, we never did a FB announcement. Not t even when she was born. Sometimes seeing those announcements from friends who were having an oops #3 or whatever really hurt while we were struggling with IF, and I wanted to spare others who were silently struggling from being crushed with another announcement. As for this one, we haven't shared yet. Once again, we are waiting for the cell-free DNA tests for the larger public. As for our family, we are waiting because we will get a lot of pressure for me to be a SAHM (I work part-time). We haven't made any decisions regarding that yet and we aren't looking forward to it being a focus of conversation with my parents. We will have to tell them by the end of the first tri, but our delay has nothing to do with silencing miscarriage. And should I miscarry this baby, I will be open and share about it.

KyCade3013 · December 2015

I'm doing 12 weeks because then it's another exciting thing to look forward to, like the 20 week ultra sound and my husband wants to do that. I'm in the boat where if I misscarried I'd want support. If people don't know they can't support you. At this point I'd want my mom to know, but no one else but that's just not possible because then he'd want to tell his parents. Just awkward all around. I'm hoping to negotiate telling everyone at 10 weeks but I'm sure that'll just get pushed to 12. 12 weeks is my sons 2nd birthday so I kind of would rather tell before or after, don't want that overshadowing my lil mans big day.

carrieandr · December 2015

I'm so sorry you're currently going through this, @FiancB. The Miscarriage and TTCAL boards are great, if you haven't found your way there already. I made friends with a girl that got a d&e the same day as me and we've been emailing each other ever since.

MrsRo731 · December 2015

I think PP already covered it, but here's my two cents.

It is not your place to tell a couple they are 'silencing' miscarriage by not announcing until after 12 weeks. Everyone is entitled to make the decision of when they announce without having to be criticized one way or the other. You want to tell before 12 weeks? Go right ahead. Personally, we tell our parents early on and everyone else we wait to tell until after 12 weeks, possibly later. I don't want to have that conversation with other people if something happens; that's just me. I dread discussing it with my boss, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. But you know what? That may be totally different for another couple and that is completely fine. But let's be clear, you have no right judging others. Just because you may handle a miscarriage one way doesn't mean that's the right way for another couple.

Also, I was one of the people who criticized your original UO and I stand by that. The Bump is a great support community for a lot of us and to somehow say the women who are sharing their losses here are doing something wrong really irritates me. Your UO came off as incredibly insensitive and ignorant. I get not reading the threads if it feeds your anxiety, but don't criticize those who are venting and looking for support.

BostonBaby1 · December 2015

Has the OP even been back to thread in the past 2 days?

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