UPDATE - told my husband it's his last chance

chelseajeanene · December 2015

He's completely changed since returning back to work after paternity leave. He does nothing. He's a ball of negative energy and I now hate when he comes home from work. My son is 12 weeks and I've never been told I'm doing a good job as a mother, never asks me how I'm doing or how my day was, never hugs me or gives me any type of affection. He's not nice to me in general. He snaps at me when I ask him simple every day question and gets annoyed. His excuse is that I should already know the answer and why should I be asking? Apparently I'm a mind reader now. We've been together 7 1/2 years and I don't know the person he's become. Where is the guy who traveled out of the country to propose to me under the stars? Where is the guy who's always said all he wants out of life is to be a good father and provide for his family? Where is my husband that loves me and used to enjoy just being together and doing nothing else? When we fought tonight it came down to his problem with me is that he cooks dinner when he gets home. I'm sorry but cooking is his 1 and only responsibility. I do everything else. He has 11 years trained chef experience and since we've been together since I was only 17, I never learned how to cook. He always did it for me with pleasure. I can't learn over night. What really upsets me is that I've secretly been trying to learn and surprise him. I've been watching cooking shows religiously and looking up recipes to try and learn. Last week I kept asking him when he was coming home from work so I could suprise him with dinner. He couldn't even text me back to let me know he was on his way home so I could. He then walked in the door that night and blew up at me. What more can I do? I take care of his son 24 hours a day with no help, I don't eat or sleep, I clean, I do the dishes, all the diaper changes, everything else. Now with me trying to cook he will have zero responsibility. His perfect world is him waking up early for play video games before work, (yes, he's that pathetic) go to work, come home and sit on his iPad for 5 hours and go to sleep. During this time he won't talk to me, he won't pick up his son if I don't ask, nothing. I told him this is not the marriage I signed up for and I know I'm fully capable of taking care of our son without him. I let all my feelings out and didn't care how badly I hurt him because he hurts me with no regrets. He just repeatedly says he'll change and he "doesn't know why" he is the way he is. I told him this is his last chance or I'm leaving and taking my son with me. I caught him playing with the baby later on and saw him cry once the baby smiled at him. I really hope what I said gets to him this time but I'm not going to count on it.

Will the man I fell so deeply in love with ever come back?...

tylermkouns · December 2015

I'm having the same problems! My husband basically only thinks of himself and never of us. It's always what he wants to do or what he needs. I finally told him how I felt and I know I hurt his feels (he told me and called me mean). I honestly think the baby is the only thing keeping us together because I know his family and him would try to take him if I left.

I hope you get the husband back you feel in love with, I know I pray for it everyday!

If you ever need to tall feel free to message me!

caityrose · December 2015

We've been there before prior to baby. It sucks but somehow he snapped out of it. I hope the same for you! Hang in there

myfingerhurts · December 2015

First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so rough. Stay strong!

Second, I've posted about this before, but I think it's important to recognize that men are also susceptible to Post Partum Depression and it may be that your husbands need a therapist to help them navigate the complexities of what they are feeling. I suffer from a panic disorder, so I was ultra-aware of PPD symptoms bc I was high risk. Luckily, I never developed PPD, but my husband did, which took me completely off-guard. It sounds very similar to what you are going through.

It started off as him being annoyed at me or the baby for small, trivial things, but escalated fairly quickly. The final straw was when he started yelling at the baby and calling him stupid. It scared the shit out of me bc my husband is the most gentle, calm person ever, and I had no idea where this anger came from. After that, I demanded that he get help or I would leave until he did. He whole heartedly agreed that something was very wrong. The next day he found a therapist and he has completely turned a corner. He is back to being the wonderful man I married.

Depression can manifest in so many ways, but I think a telltale sign is definitely if your husband seems like a totally different person. Having a baby is so hard and stressful, and I think it can be hard for us as moms to understand the unique position our husbands are in. We at least have hormones keeping us happy during the worst of it, but the men don't.

There are a ton of articles if you google it, but here is one I found helpful.
https://www.todaysparent.com/baby/postpartum-depression-in-dads/

missliz53 · December 2015

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I think that a lot of men go into being dad's with their rose colored glasses on and then feel blindsided when they realize how miserably hard having a newborn can be. As women, I think a lot of us are at least a little more prepared because we talk to our mom's, aunt's, girlfriend's, coworkers, ect who have had babies about that stuff and I think that a lot of us read anything we can get our hands on so while we aren't completely prepared, we are in a better position going into motherhood. Plus we have those hormones to help us.

It sounds like your husband really needs some counselling. A complete 180 in personality is a definite sign of mental health problems. Also, is it possible his buddies and the guys he works with have been influencing him? Unfortunately it seems like most men fall into the Disney Dad category when they have kids. My husband gets a lot of pressure from the guys at work to go out for a few beers after work even though they know he has a baby at home. Because you know, I am a SAHM and I have all this time during the day to catch up on sleep and to do what I want (My DH has never said this, but the guys at work have told him that). He said that if I didn't leave him with the baby a couple days a week for a few hours that he would have no idea what it's like.

baker1jm2 · December 2015

We had a similar issue, though not as severe when I was on maternity leave and home all day. I started resenting him bc I would be frustrated and overwhelmed Being home all day and he'd get home and want to relax and not help. Since I went back to work it's been much better and we share more responsibility. He thought since I was home all day everything with house and baby was my job. Can you suggest letting him have quality baby time when he gets home aka watch the baby so you can make dinner. That way he's still helping, or start doing some crock pot meals a few times a week so then no one has to worry about dinner in the evening.

thinkpink101 · December 2015

I'm sorry you are going through this. With our first we were the first of our friends to have kids. While dh loved being a father he went through a rough patch a few months in when he realized how much our lives had changed. His friends and co-workers were either single or just boyfriend/girlfriend, going out to bars, partying, spontaneously going on trips/outings/to sports games. For a while he was really jealous and resentful. I called it his quarter-life crisis, lol. He did snap out of it on his own eventually.

The part where your dh feels entitled to play on his iPad when he gets home resonated with me. I know my dh works very hard and has a stressful job with long hours, and he totally deserves to relax when he gets home. But not all the time, I need a break too and he doesn't always get that. In his mind I have a super relaxing life as a SAHM/work from home mom. Yes, I spend a lot of my time sitting down feeding the baby (nursing and pumping) but it's hard to truly enjoy that and relax when I think about all the things I need to be doing. I do the meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry & cleaning. I get the three older boys ready for school each morning, make three different lunches and snacks, take care of the baby and make sure he is stimulated when he's awake, help with homework, manage the reams of paper that school age children generate (permission slips, donations, fundraisers, year book order forms, after school events etc), schedule and attend all conferences and meetings, volunteer at the schools, drive everyone to their music lessons and sports. I keep our household running but since he doesn't do it he has no idea how much work it is. He seems to think the house cleans itself and that dinner just magically appears at the table and the dishes wash themselves.

Did you work prior to the baby and now you're a SAHM? If so I wonder if your dh thinks sort of like mine, that you have "nothing" to do all day and therefore he deserves a break but you've "had a break all day"?

chelseajeanene · December 2015

I had no idea that men could get PPD at all. I think he does have it because I have no idea who his man is anymore. When he had his 6 weeks off he was fantastic and loved it but once he went back to work he did a 180. I do think that he thinks I do nothing all day so he deserves to be the only one who gets to relax. Relaxing after work is fine, but there's no need to have to relax for hours opon hours. He has no clue what it's like to take care of the baby all day. When he does have the baby he just lets him fall asleep so he can still do whatever he wants. Which gets me so mad because he needs to play with him. I told him that he's his only example for how our son will treat women and that as of right now he has a terrible example and I think he didn't realize that. I think if I went back to work, nothing would change. To him this is my "job." No, this is not my job and it's not his job. This is our child and we are parents. It's just what gets done.

mill1020 · December 2015

He does sound depressed, and it definitely happens that guys get PPD, too.

Counseling (for you as a couple and also as individuals) can be very helpful, and I can tell you from personal experience it's best to approach this situation with a pro. He probably doesn't know why he's feeling and acting the way he does. It can be very, very hard on both of you when your partner in parenting and life is dealing with depression.

You'll be in my thoughts, and best of luck to you.

BrandiLaw87 · December 2015

^ I was just going to suggest this, counselling as a couple and/or individually. Communicating can be hard on your own and sometimes a third party mediator can help express your feelings without either of you feeling attacked. I have a hard time communicating with my own DH because he had a tendency to criticize without realizing it. He is the type of person who has an answer for everything, even if you aren't looking for one. Sometimes it takes us awhile to really talk things out so that he understands how I'm feeling. It's definitely tough.
I'm really sorry you are having a hard time. I hope you two can work things out, good luck.

Edited for grammar

chelseajeanene · December 2015

Thank you ladies. My mom really wants us to start having at least 2 date nights a month so we have time to reconnect. If that doesn't help I'm going to suggest he does therapy. I'm willing to go with him too but I think he'll benefit more for a one on one thing. I really hope he snaps of of it soon..he is in a better mood today so I see a ray of light

tlc11934 · December 2015

You said he's been like this for weeks now. I'm sure it doesn't help that his grandfather died too. He probably has a lot of emotions that he needs to get out right now and he's channeling them into anger and video games. Therapy works. Hugs to you.

katythelady22 · December 2015

That is really hard. But you seem to have so much good history. Life is full of seasons. You just went through a huge life change by having a baby, and things take adjusting for both of you. My husband and I have been on different pages alot lately bc of this huge change in our lives. But its just a season of life, so we try to remember that when we are working through different issues.. Don't let a rough spot tear u apart, work through the hard times together and you'll come out so much stronger! It's a hard path, but worth it!

you can still suprise him with dinner one night, I'm sure he would love it even more now that he would see that you listened to him and what he wants! And it's awesome that he is spending more time with your son after your convo. Try to focus on the good! I know how hard it is with so little sleep and taking care of a baby all day. Hope all goes well for you!

chelseajeanene · December 2015

UPDATE:

I have my hubby back :')
He hasn't been mean to me and he's helping out here and there. Not perfect or as much as I'd like but he's putting in the effort now. Now that the baby is so active and doing more my hubby loves it. He's playing with him all the time now. Since I was pregnant on our 1st wedding/7th anniversary we couldn't celebrate, so today is our half anniversary and he suprised me with flowers, a card, dinner at my favorite restaurant and now he's currently driving me to a suprise date and won't tell me what we're doing

man I have missed him. I'm so happy he came back to me

tlc11934 · December 2015

Great to hear! Enjoy.

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