Tell me I'm not alone... — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Tell me I'm not alone...

It's weird that a person can become so attached to something or someone in such a short period of time, and then become so devastated when it's gone.  I'm hating myself so badly right now - I didn't even realize how much I wanted to have a baby until I lost it.  I found out I was pregnant Mother's Day of this year.  My husband and I were so freaked and happy.  I'm 33 and he's 37.  June 12, I had a miscarriage and my world crashed.  I was flip flopping from angry/sad to numb for the first two months after.  Had a D&C a week after the miscarriage and waiting for 3 months to get my period.  Nothing.  So my doc put my on progesterone.  Never been so happy to have to my period.  But the next month passed, and now period and no pregnancy.  So I'm being put back on the little pills to get my stupid cycle back and I'm wondering WTF is wrong with me?  What is wrong with my body?  WHY can't I stop thinking about my little blob and that we aren't pregnant again?!  I've been so stressed and angry and snappish that my friends are hiding from me.  My husband doesn't know what to do to try and make me laugh anymore.  I can go days feeling good and then BAM!  The doc gave me something for stress and of course, I'm subconsciously obsessing over wanting to get pregnant and have a baby - just one little baby - and I'd be happy.  I can't read the news and hear one more story about some ungrateful monster who kills their kids.  I feel alone and don't want to feel so numb.  I'm hoping another woman will understand.  I need a cold slap to the face - I need SOMETHING to get me away from this obsession so I can be myself again.  Now I know that I DO want kids - that i want a little family with my dorky husband and I was happy with just him before so why WHY WHY can't I be happy again with just him?  He deserves happy me, not moping me.  Help.  Please.

Re: Tell me I'm not alone...

  • I am so sorry for your loss and that you feel like this. You are not alone. I feel the same, it feels like it was the happiest of times while I was pregnant. The new life our little family would have, the future seemed so bright.

    I don't know how much help I can give other than say that these dark times will pass. Time heals and you may not forget but will learn to be happy again, no matter what.

    I send you hugs!
    ******TW******Siggy warning
    BFP1 04/24/2015 EDD Dec 2015 MMC 10W5d;
    BFP 2 09/25/2015 EDD June 2016 MMC 9wks; 
    BFP 3 03/22/2016 EDD Dec 6th 2016 

       Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

  • I'm so sorry for your loss. Your world change completely when you see those two lines. I feel mentally unstable with how I am fine for a while and then something hits me out of no where and I'm snappy or emotional or angry. Mostly switching between sad/angry. I'm sure that hormones are a contributing factor as well, our bodies are all over the place. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you aren't alone! Hope you get AF and another little bean soon. <3
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  • My body did the same thing. I had a d&c in May and it took months for my period to come back. My doc didn't give me pills. But it will come back and you will get your chance again. I found out around Halloween that I'm pregnant again. Took 5 months to get there. I was very emotional as well. I have 3 kids already but my husband has none and it hurt him so bad to see the baby with no heartbeat. I hope I helped some. And good luck on your bfp.
  • I wish we could all get together and have dinner. I mean it. You are not alone, but I know you feel that way and I'm sorry. I can empathize with wanting to put my best self forward for my husband and how everything was fine a few months ago- why do I feel so lost now? I think my best advice is it will take time. I have worked on a list of things to do together that we couldn't do it we had children right now- I'm trying to focus on someday we hopefully will have children, but for now I want so badly to just enjoy the two of us. It's hard and honestly my heart isn't in it 100% but I'm hoping that will change. Each month feels like time is just going by, I know, but please try to keep living. Pick a class to do or something you want to learn but never got to - pour yourself into that. I took a guitar class. It's something you can share with your husband that isn't baby related. I feel for you that it seems to take over life- I am dealing with the same right now, but focus on the days as individual experiences and deliberately plan dates for you and your husband to help until you decide to try again and refocus. Wishing you the best.
  • Sorry you are feeling so lost right now. It is horrible. I second @Diane2218, I wish we could all have dinner. While this is my first loss, I did take a very long time to get pregnant with my first. I felt totally obsessed during that time and mildly crazy... my husband agreed. I found that the best remedies for my insanity were focusing on my health and preparing to be pregnant by running, working out etc. 
    Good luck!
  • I am sorry for your loss. It is life-changing, especially when the experience solidifies the fact that you want to have children. I had a similar path and am still hoping for success in growing our family in some way.

    In the last year, I decided to focus on myself and being the healthiest me I could be since that would benefit me no matter what. (And this was a big change for me, as I had always been a party girl.) I quit drinking and found an exercise that worked for me (yoga). I also started seeing an acupuncturist and that has been a great help in stress reduction. I also quit facebook, because lord knows the pregnancy announcements were out of control and added fuel to my frustrations.

    Everybody is different, but my best advice is to find ways to work the stress out and work on acceptance of what is. . . Expressing/feeling gratitude is a great way to help that process. 

    Good luck!

    Me: 40, DH: 35 / Married: 2009; TTC #1: 2013

    2013 - 2015: 5 pregnancies —> 5 miscarriages

    TTCAL with RE (RPL specialist): February 2016

    2016: 3 medicated TI cycles —> 3 medicated IUI cycles: All BFN

    Donor Egg IVF Transfer: May 1, 2017

    May 11, 2017: BFP!! Beta #1: 449.1, Beta #2: 844, Beta #3: 1714

    EDD: 1/17/18, it's a GIRL!  <3 E. L. A. born 12/7/2017

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