Only 5w4d, MIL has told everyone

TxTeacher91 · November 2015

My husband and I decided to tell both of our parents last weekend that we were pregnant. I had a miscarriage in September, but even if something went wrong this time, I still wanted our families to be involved during this exciting time. However, we stressed the importance of of not telling anyone until I at least have my first ultrasound in a couple of weeks. I specifically told them that I would give them the OK to tell other people when it wasn't such a secret anymore. However, a few days later my husband told me that his mother told two other family members. I was annoyed but I let it slide since I knew she was just excited. Today he tells me she told a coworker who happens to be my mother's best friend, telling her to "act surprised" when my mom tells her. I was already angry when my husband and I went out for dinner this evening. A woman who I barely know comes up and says, "I heard some news about you two!" I was livid. There is no telling how many people she has told, and she has not admitted to telling anyone to me. I am so terrified of this pregnancy not going smoothly and having to tell all of these random people who I did not want to know in the first place. Even if everything does go smoothly, I would surely like to be the one to announce my own pregnancy!

Am I overreacting by being so upset about this? (I doubt myself sometimes with all of these crazy hormones) Should I confront my MIL? My husband is not being much help so I'd love to hear others' opinions! Sorry for being ranty!

Kannerush · November 2015

I'd be livid too. She should have more sense (and sensitivity!), but she's probably just very excited. I think hubby has to step in. He's ultimately responsible for keeping his side of the family in check. Good luck!

amyberkley86 · November 2015

Not over reacting at all! I'm furious for you! I think you should say something to her. Be calm, reasoned and polite so she can't put your reaction down to pregnancy hormones. Or maybe write her a letter? What she did was so completely wrong. Id be very cautious now before telling her any other details.

PleaseSendPicklesNow · November 2015

This is so inappropriate, and so narcissistic of her. It puts the people she's told in an unpleasant position, too. My mother did the same thing when my sister was pregnant. Mom told me, then said, "Pretend to act surprised when your sister tells you!" So awkward. So uncool. My mother has no discretion, because she is narcissistic and likes to make other people's exciting news about herself.

If your MIL is the same, I am sorry. Since she's HIS mom, I do think your husband should be the one to confront her. Like @Kannerush said, he is responsible for keepng his family in line. Ultimately, it's sad for her that she has alienated heself from you guys. I imagine that from now on, she'll be the last to know anything important.

*Edited to correct a misspelling.

pourmeanothermocktail · November 2015

I don't think you are overreacting. You and your husband should sit down and calmly explain why her actions have hurt you. It wouldn't hurt to add a little guilt: We trusted YOU, please respect that.

megstervt · November 2015

not cool.

rbellmore14 · November 2015

I would be pissed too !! Pregnancy hormones or not thats rude !!! Especially sinse you had a past mc and told them not to say anything ! I think you should absolutely confront her on why you feel this way . Im sorry to hear about your last pregnancy . I also had one a couple years ago from my first pregnancy . My heart goes out to you

.

stillcozy · November 2015

This is your news not hers to share ! Especially when you told her not to! I would be livid too! I think it's time for a come to Jesus chat about respect because she apparently doesn't have any.

PugsandKisses · November 2015

I would sit down and have a honest discussion with you MIL.

I would also tell her 'since you broke our trust before, we feel we can not tell you any swcrets. You will be told future things when we tell the general public'.

acadia07 · November 2015

You're not overreacting. That's extremely wrong of her to do, and someone needs to tell her so. Tell your husband to be a man and tell his mother that she's being extremely unfair and that you're both angry with her.

palmtreeNP · November 2015

You're handling it a lot better than I would. I would be a mega bitch. That is no bueno. You have every right to be pissed.

PinkLady2015 · November 2015

I'd be fuming. Not sure how close you are with MIL or what your relationship is. Did she realize you've suffered an MC previously? If you guys dont have the type of relationship that you could talk with her, enlist DH to speak with her about the ramifications. Playing devil's advocate, maybe she doesnt realize that the risk is still there.

Here's the thing though... the "damage" is done...do you want to start this battle and have ill feelings towards her during the pregnancy? I would take this as a sign that MIL can't keep secrets so going forward, maybe keep her on a need to know basis. (like if you find out the sex, but want to hold off telling everyone). Best of luck! And hey, people know, so bask in the glory of the attention you'll receive and that you'll get to share this awesome event with people.

Crystal520 · November 2015

I feel ya! We have told our parents and both sisters and I would be livid too if my mom or MIL spilled to everyone.

Right now I'm trying to calm my mom down because she already picking out strollers and cribs. I told her to please don't buy anything until I'm ready. Its hard because they are all excited and I don't want to bring them down but I'm still nervous about this pregnancy and don't want to get ahead of ourselves.

orangecrayon · November 2015

My SIL did that the first time I got pregnant in 2011.. We were about 10 weeks and I had just found out the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. I had to go to into the pharmacy (where we both worked at the time) to get vitamins and some necessities and the pharmacist was congratulating me and I was like - WTF.

So we waited till about 12 weeks with my son to announce... If they are really excited that's when the stupidity comes out - I had when people announce for you.

Hope this pregnancy is healthy and happy for you! I wouldn't share much information now that she's done that..Just update her once you have your next ultrasound.

thebigoaktree · November 2015

Nope, it's your news to share not hers or anyone else's. It's really kind of disrespectful to you and your wishes. She can be excited but she should be talking to the people that are allowed to know at this time. I'm with the PP in letting her know that she's kind of misused your trust and you're going to be less willing to tell her things now.

trucksntutus · November 2015

Ugh! I got frustrated just reading your post. I don't blame you for being upset, and I would let her know how you feel. I would let her know that you didn't appreciate her telling people without your permission and as PP have stated, that you aren't as willing to share things with her going forward. What a huge bummer.

megth · November 2015

Don't share any more information with her and when she asks, tell her you know you can't trust her because she blabbed your big news. Hopefully she'll learn her lesson. It's all about boundaries and respect.

We went through this craziness with our first pregnancy. We waited 14 weeks for our 2nd, and with this one, pretty sure we're just going to see if anyone notices in a few months. You know why? Because everyone makes it all about them! We unfortunately just don't have the easy supportive families that we would love, so we have to maintain thick boundaries. Sounds like you might have to do some of that too. Good luck!!

TxTeacher91 · November 2015

Well, y'all have certainly made me realize that I'm not overreacting! My husband talked to MIL, now I think she's mad at us for saying anything about it. At this point I really don't care. I only get more angry when I think about it. Kind of weird not even knowing who knows about my own pregnancy. My own grandmother doesn't know, but a bunch of random people do! So aggravating. I think I will take yalls advice and just make sure she's the last to know about any other news. I hate to be that way, but I feel like she brought it upon herself!

stillcozy · November 2015

TxTeacher91 said:
Well, y'all have certainly made me realize that I'm not overreacting! My husband talked to MIL, now I think she's mad at us for saying anything about it. At this point I really don't care. I only get more angry when I think about it. Kind of weird not even knowing who knows about my own pregnancy. My own grandmother doesn't know, but a bunch of random people do! So aggravating. I think I will take yalls advice and just make sure she's the last to know about any other news. I hate to be that way, but I feel like she brought it upon herself!

You are not being "that way" you are being wise! And she is probably embarrassed for being called out so let her be upset and then she needs to get over it. So sorry that your special news had a damper put on it but the good news is there will be lots more exciting things for you to now decide who knows and when

hang in there and I hope she comes around soon enough and with an apology!

BettyRu · November 2015

I'm sorry you are dealing with this

TattoosandLace · November 2015

I agree with pp. I saw your response with calling her out. If she's anything like my MIL, which I hope for your sake she's not!, she's mad for being called out and will just have to get over it. She's proved she can't be trusted with information so waiting to tell her when you tell the general public isn't at all out of line for you to do. In fact, it's smart. My MIL was last in our family to know about DD for the same reason.
Congratulations on your precious bundle of joy! FX for positive things thru out your pregnancy!

kem711 · November 2015

That's totally fair. I would be LIVID if my MIL did that. If she's smart, she'll learn her lesson.

sami1784 · November 2015

This is the exact reason my SIL isn't being told until we go public with the news after I get my first ultrasound and make sure everything is okay thus far. When I was pregnant with my son, we were super excited and wanted to tell our parents and siblings as soon as we found out, though we weren't truly going public with the news yet. She posted on her Facebook "I'm going to be an aunt!!!! I told the world first (DH's name)!" that very day! Her argument for her actions being okay was that we didn't have many mutual friends on Facebook, so it was fine. I didn't even post anything on mine for another ten days. This time, our parents and my sister know, but SIL doesn't.

megth · November 2015

sami1784 said:

This is the exact reason my SIL isn't being told until we go public with the news after I get my first ultrasound and make sure everything is okay thus far. When I was pregnant with my son, we were super excited and wanted to tell our parents and siblings as soon as we found out, though we weren't truly going public with the news yet. She posted on her Facebook "I'm going to be an aunt!!!! I told the world first (DH's name)!" that very day! Her argument for her actions being okay was that we didn't have many mutual friends on Facebook, so it was fine. I didn't even post anything on mine for another ten days. This time, our parents and my sister know, but SIL doesn't.

Ughhh!!! That's so screwed up! What is it with people??

megth · November 2015

TxTeacher91 said:

Well, y'all have certainly made me realize that I'm not overreacting! My husband talked to MIL, now I think she's mad at us for saying anything about it. At this point I really don't care. I only get more angry when I think about it. Kind of weird not even knowing who knows about my own pregnancy. My own grandmother doesn't know, but a bunch of random people do! So aggravating. I think I will take yalls advice and just make sure she's the last to know about any other news. I hate to be that way, but I feel like she brought it upon herself!

She absolutely did bring it upon herself. One thing I always tell myself when it comes to this pregnancy and family stuff is that the grandparents often regress into children and you have treat them that way sometimes by making rules and consequences. Some people just go crazy when it comes to babies. No idea why. Maybe someone can clue me in

thebigoaktree · November 2015

sami1784 said:
This is the exact reason my SIL isn't being told until we go public with the news after I get my first ultrasound and make sure everything is okay thus far. When I was pregnant with my son, we were super excited and wanted to tell our parents and siblings as soon as we found out, though we weren't truly going public with the news yet. She posted on her Facebook "I'm going to be an aunt!!!! I told the world first (DH's name)!" that very day! Her argument for her actions being okay was that we didn't have many mutual friends on Facebook, so it was fine. I didn't even post anything on mine for another ten days. This time, our parents and my sister know, but SIL doesn't.

I would have hit her then blamed it on my hormones. That's such a horrible thing to do.

steminist · November 2015

I know how you feel! DH's grandmother just put it on Facebook after we told her today. I'm only 6w3d, so it's still really early to share. I know we have very few friends in common, but one of DH's aunts found out that way and I'm worried someone will post a congratulations on his wall before we go public at Christmas. Maybe it shouldn't bother me as much, since I know it came from love and excitement, but I can't believe she did that!

TxTeacher91 · November 2015

@thebigoaktree LOL. I can't say I'm not tempted. Especially after she's text my husband this evening attempting to guilt trip him, telling him she's crying and heartbroken because he told her its not her place to tell anyone. So annoyed.

@Jabreen what is with people?! I checked her Facebook after I found out that she had been telling everyone, just to make sure she hadn't outed me there too. People just don't understand boundaries.

ALittleCountry · November 2015

I see it's done and handled, but just adding my two-sense. I definitely would be upset as well. I think, though, in the future, you should have personally talked to your MIL like @PugsandKisses said. You're all family whether she's your husband's mom or your mom and if it's you that's upset, you or both of you should sit down and speak to her. While completely wrong and inappropriate, it was likely not malicious. I also don't agree with the "that's his mom, he needs to handle it" thought process that was suggested.

Good luck in the future with MIL and hoping you have a healthy pregnancy!

StephLouise35 · December 2015

I was livid too! we only told my mother in law and asked her to keep it quiet until the 12 weeks was up, but low and behold she told my sister in law, whos told her partner. im not sure if anyone else knows but even i was mad that she has said something to someone when i has asked her not to!

ceillyang · December 2015

That is exactly why I did not tell my in laws until we were going "public." Wishing you the best.

MDmomma1217 · December 2015

Nope, not overreacting. Not her news to tell! Hope she doesn't tell anyone else.

mamafox14 · December 2015

I told my dad around 7 weeks and asked that he keep it to himself until we are ready and that I would let him know when that is. Fast forward two weeks, I'm having thanksgiving dinner at my mom's house and I get a voicemail from my uncle congratulating me on my pregnancy. Apparently my dad thought it didn't count to tell my grandpa and aunt and uncle. Then when I told my mom this, my FIL tells me that he "accidentally" told a bunch of his coworkers too. WHY CAN'T ANYONE KEEP A SECRET? so I feel your frustration for sure. This is my news and I want to tell people WHEN I'M READY. Bah people.

Only 5w4d, MIL has told everyone

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