Why?

kp90 · November 2015

Been debating if I should post about this but I need some input and some ladies to talk to about this because I'm going crazy.

I'll try to make it short as possible.. At my last apt I was 13 weeks. My doctor did a very very quick ultrasound to lay eyes on baby and hear heartbeat. He said all was good but my placenta was over my cervix. And that was it! Did not say no to sex, did not explain, etc and I was rushed out and on my way home in minutes

with that being said I got home and did my own research. When the placenta covers the cervix you have placenta previa. Which also means no sex, can cause complications etc etc but also that it usually corrects itself in time. My fiancé comes home this weekend after training for 3 weeks and of course wants sex. I explained to him today over text what was said and that I feel we should wait til our next appointment which is the 30th before having sex and he blew a gasket. We got into a huge fight and I ended up a crying balling mess in the bathroom at work. I am very frustrated and angry that he does not understand where I'm coming from and that I don't want to put our baby at risk. Am I crazy? Is it sometimes ok to continue with sex if your cervix is covered? Not that it matters now because he said he won't even think about touching me after this argument. I'm just extremely upset and hurt right now and would like some input. Am I wrong? Is anyone else going through this? Please help

countrygrl5533 · November 2015

Just call your doc and see what they say. I'm sure your fiance will calm down either way. No sex is not the end of the world. Believe me. I went 7 months without when I was pg with DD. DH survived. I survived. It'll be fine if that is what the doc says. But don't just take internet research and run with it. Call and ask questions.

missnc77 · November 2015

I wish I had better advice, but you could also call the doctor and ask the question. Most offices will take the question and have someone call you back same day.

kbrands7 · November 2015

I'm sorry you've been put in this situation. It's unfair for him to want all or nothing. If it were me, I'd err on the side of caution. If you can get your fiance to listen, try to reassure him that you miss him too, but don't want to put your baby in jeopardy on a whim. Quickly explain how placenta previa works (I understand you may have already done this, but it's possible that his rational self shut down after hearing no sex.) Propose that you two get intimate in other ways-- touching, massage, making out, oral, hand stuff etc. Whatever works for you both. My understanding is that the restrictions for pelvic rest are usually not for the whole course if the pregnancy. I haven't experienced this with previa, but have been put on bouts of activity restriction and pelvic rest for bleeding issues in both of my pregnancies; I know it can be difficult. ::hugs:: Good luck!

doozer1345 · November 2015

Call your doctor and asked them to clarify. Secondly, your DH is going to have to take a step back and educate himself on having a wife being pg. I understand he's been gone for a few weeks but A. you've just found out some news that is disturbing you and he needs to learn some sensitivity B. if whatever is going on with you means no sex that means no sex...Healthy baby/wife or no healthy baby/wife? His choice. C. There's going to be plenty of times weird things are going to happen and he's going to be uncomfortable..So are you! God gave him a hand...if not, you have 2 if it means THAT much to him.

saraleigh2 · November 2015

It's normal to be nervous and upset. I agree call your doctor and get some more info that is specific to you and your pregnancy. What does your doctor advise about sex etc? Are other activities (that don't involve penetration)ok? I am sure once you have some more facts from your doctor about your situation you and your fiancé will both feel better -sex or no sex! Hang in there pregnancy can be a stressful time for you and him. Take heart in that whatever the case is it won't last forever.

lionstigersbears · November 2015

Definitely call!! In my experience the specific location was important. They deemed mine a low lying placenta and I had zero restrictions. Your situation is unique because it's yours, get more information from the person who saw it and knows your medical history in full.

kp90 · November 2015

Thanks ladies! And I will definitely call my doctor tomorrow even though when I told him I would call his response was "don't even bother with the doctor because now I will have second thoughts having sex with you and that will be in my mind." Awesome. Thank you for making me feel so wanted! He said it's not a want, it's a need and that if its not actual sex it's not good enough. @kbrands7 @doozer1345 I just feel very defeated and like this pregnancy is such a burden to him. Idk. Have tears in my eyes again just discussing it. I'm just shocked and very hurt and feel there's nothing I can do to make this right until he gets over it on his own time. He was suppose to be home Saturday but said he may stay til next week now just because of this. Ahh. Just can't believe it turned into this big of an issue. Thank you all for your input and words of advice. It atleast helps me feel better.

missnc77 · November 2015

kp90 said:

his response was "don't even bother with the doctor because now I will have second thoughts having sex with you and that will be in my mind."

Ha! My desire for drama is so low, I'd just take this as problem solved and move on and quit stressing. Sounds like he's projecting in that it is a scary thought that something could go wrong if you have sex, so he doesn't want to do it, but at the same time instead of accepting it, he wants to have a pitty party and blame someone. He should grow up. My husband hasn't had sex with me since August since I was so paranoid about spotting, but he's supportive and doesn't want me to worry. But his dad book he's been reading told him that women go back to wanting sex in the second tri, and he's so cheesy in his attempts now that I've hit 14 weeks. It's kind of working though.

Maybe his dad book is right.

kp90 · November 2015

@missnc77 yeah idk if it's a pity party or he's just being an ass now but either way I haven't responded anymore and await my apology which I'm sure will not come. Just so frustrating when I was blind sided with his reaction. I guess I was expecting some more consideration and him to understand. My mistake. My biiiig mistake

Merciel · November 2015

You're not crazy and he's being unreasonable and childish. "If it's not actual sex it's not good enough," threatening to stay away another week because you have legitimate medical concerns about vaginal sex right now?

What a selfish, petulant manbaby.

I agree with previous posters that you should talk to your doctor and find out what, if any, restrictions you might have. But in the meantime, until you have more information, you are acting reasonably and he is not.

doozer1345 · November 2015

kp90 said:

Thanks ladies! And I will definitely call my doctor tomorrow even though when I told him I would call his response was "don't even bother with the doctor because now I will have second thoughts having sex with you and that will be in my mind." Awesome. Thank you for making me feel so wanted! He said it's not a want, it's a need and that if its not actual sex it's not good enough. @kbrands7 @doozer1345 I just feel very defeated and like this pregnancy is such a burden to him. Idk. Have tears in my eyes again just discussing it. I'm just shocked and very hurt and feel there's nothing I can do to make this right until he gets over it on his own time. He was suppose to be home Saturday but said he may stay til next week now just because of this. Ahh. Just can't believe it turned into this big of an issue. Thank you all for your input and words of advice. It atleast helps me feel better.

What is he 13?! I would turn the tables on him and say well I'm afraid to have sex with you bc what if you hurt the baby or get me pg again and we have to go through this again? It's asinine. I won't go further with my thoughts on this one (it's making me angry for you).

kp90 · November 2015

doozer1345 said:

kp90 said:

Thanks ladies! And I will definitely call my doctor tomorrow even though when I told him I would call his response was "don't even bother with the doctor because now I will have second thoughts having sex with you and that will be in my mind." Awesome. Thank you for making me feel so wanted! He said it's not a want, it's a need and that if its not actual sex it's not good enough. @kbrands7 @doozer1345 I just feel very defeated and like this pregnancy is such a burden to him. Idk. Have tears in my eyes again just discussing it. I'm just shocked and very hurt and feel there's nothing I can do to make this right until he gets over it on his own time. He was suppose to be home Saturday but said he may stay til next week now just because of this. Ahh. Just can't believe it turned into this big of an issue. Thank you all for your input and words of advice. It atleast helps me feel better.

What is he 13?! I would turn the tables on him and say well I'm afraid to have sex with you bc what if you hurt the baby or get me pg again and we have to go through this again? It's asinine. I won't go further with my thoughts on this one (it's making me angry for you).

That made me lol, literally. Pretty bad when you can feel the frustration I feel, huh? And no he is a grown man but he sure fooled me this afternoon. Trust me I can only imagine what you're thinking. I still have a list of names in my head I'm calling him. I've accepted this for what it is and just pray we move on from it but this awkward silence and not talking doesn't help me feel better.

kp90 · November 2015

@Merciel manbaby, I love that. Could've been useful during our argument today. But thank you. Glad I'm not crazy and being unreasonable. I just need to get over it and fix my own feelings since he is not going to. This baby already means the world to me and I just didn't think one more week without sex was the end of the world. But what do I know? Apparently I don't have the same needs of a man!

countrygrl5533 · November 2015

kp90 said:
He said it's not a want, it's a need and that if its not actual sex it's not good enough.

This makes me angry. I get the need thing. But there are ways around actual sex that still fill the need. When we got told no more for the rest of the pregnancy, sure my DH was upset but he know it was what was best for me and the baby.

I hope your fiancé calms down soon and realizes he is being a jerk.

doozer1345 · November 2015

@kp90 My DH TRIED some BS when I was pg with DD. I'm very southern so I got mad and things didn't go his way for a bit until he changed his tune. I remember what the underlying feeling was though and it was hurtful, lonely, and made me feel really sick and stressed. That's why it makes me angry. Some men don't get it. I've yet to have DH try his silly shit with me this time thank God. Let him sit in his own awkward silence, lift your head up, and do not accept his behavior by acknowledging it. You've got too much going on to worry about his immaturity. You're pg with a child and don't have time to raise an adult one.

kp90 · November 2015

Omg @countrygrl5533 if we get told no sex for the rest of the pregnancy I may as well prepare for world war 3. Unfortunately I am starting to see parts of him lately that don't sit well with me and it's breaking my heart. I envy you ladies whose DH is understanding and supportive. Maybe in time he will come around and stop acting like this but it's been hours and hours with no apology. I know guys have what they call a "need" for sex but he took this beyond the next level.

wamam027 · November 2015

Gross. My husband is away at a 6 week training and I GIFTED him with sex before he left because I WANTED IT. After baby is born, he deploys for 8 months before I'll even get the ok to have sex again before he leaves. Even with that, my husband is thankful that we have had sex when we have so far during this pregnancy and sees each time as a flippin Christmas/birthday/everything combined present that I've just given him. My husband is very very understanding and I know I'm very blessed that he totally understands why I wouldn't want to be intimate, but if he wasn't and acted like that I'd get him a nice big jug of lotion and some socks and tell him that's the only goods he's getting until he can man the eff up. As for you, yours and baby's health is WAY more important than his sexual satisfaction so stay strong and his panties will eventually come un-bunched.

kp90 · November 2015

@ncm0328 well maybe yours can teach mine to be appreciative. And I know I should've just stuck up for myself and been more of a B but I hate fighting with him. It's an uphill battle. Hopefully his panties un-bunch very quickly and we still have a decent holiday.

Bluejay3030 · November 2015

I don't know much about placenta previa, so I can't help with that, but I wanted to say I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Your fiancé sounds very immature and generally clueless about pregnancy. The cluelessness is forgivable--most guys are with the first kiddo. But to be so immature and selfish, and putting his needs above the potential health of you and his child is just obnoxious.

I'm sure we're seeing a skewed version of his character, so I'll refrain from saying anything else about him. But I hope you're able to work out your differences quickly so you don't have to stress about it anymore. Hang in there! And maybe get him a baby book so he can educate himself on pregnancy and life with a newborn in general. It might be enlightening.

kp90 · November 2015

Thank you @Bluejay3030 and if only he would actually read a baby book. But I know he won't. Thank you for the positive words though. Also hoping we overcome this sooner than later but he is really dragging it out. I guess time will tell.

wamam027 · November 2015

@kp90 sorry if that came off harsh. A. I'm simply a blunt person and I wrote that exactly how I would tell you if we were having a conversation in real life, and B. It just made me super irritated that a grown man who will be a father responded this way in regards to something as silly as sex, like really. It was in no way directed at you, you're at no fault here and sounds to me like you're doing things just right with protecting your baby by saying no sex, at least until you get the ok from your dr. Hoping he can come to reality and allow for a nice holiday as well!

kp90 · November 2015

@ncm0328 oh no, you're good. I know it wasnt directed at me! No worries. I just meant I wish another man would teach mine some common courtesy, etc. He just finally text me with "you're ok?" And I responded with "I guess" and he just said "ok" at this point I'm trying to laugh it off with how childish he is being. It's going to be an early night in bed for me!

tgortney · November 2015

I'm sorry you're going through this, I read your situation to my DH and he said "Tell him to stop being a little b*tch and risking his baby". lol sorry, he's blunt and a man. I just know my DH would have said "ok" and moved on. He would never ever risk our boy for sex. Definitely get some clarification from your doctor. I don't have a lot of advice for your fiancé but I hope he gets some common sense.

LadySamLady · November 2015

Ugh, men! I am having major empathetic anger over here. Although you seem to be dealing with it like a bad ass and it's impressive!!

I'm a benefit of the doubt kind of girl and can't help wondering if he might be misplacing feelings of worry and stress. Is it possible that something else is going on and he's projecting those feelings into this issue? I bet he is missing you a lot, worried about your health and baby's health but doing the shittiest of shitty jobs expressing it. Not that it would excuse his behavior - he needs to grow up, sack up, and apologize pronto - but I just can't believe no sex for a couple more weeks could be the only explanation for his overreaction.

kp90 · November 2015

Thanks ladies. @tgortney I wish my H would act more like yours! Very envious! He is a major butt. He's a very difficult person. Love him very much but he can be very hard to handle.

@LadySamLady glad I'm coming off like a bad ass right now, lol but in reality I don't feel I'm handling it well. I cried like a baby at work in the bathroom and then on the way home and I'm sure again before I go to bed. When I text him good night he will simply tell me good night and nothing more. This bothers me SO much!! Just not feeling very loved and wanted but it's out of my control at this point. I'll just hope for the best. Thank you for sympathizing with me. It helps!

Bluejay3030 · November 2015

kp90 said:
Thank you @Bluejay3030 and if only he would actually read a baby book. But I know he won't. Thank you for the positive words though. Also hoping we overcome this sooner than later but he is really dragging it out. I guess time will tell.

Yeah, I somehow didn't picture him as the book-reading type. Has he ever gone with you to an OB checkup? If he ever does, maybe you can ask the doctor some basic questions that you probably already know the answer to just so he gets some basic education about pregnancy. Just a thought.

Definitely sounds like a sucky situation. I really hope he grows up soon.

gamommyx3 · November 2015

kp90 said:
Thank you @Bluejay3030 and if only he would actually read a baby book. But I know he won't. Thank you for the positive words though. Also hoping we overcome this sooner than later but he is really dragging it out. I guess time will tell.

Maybe get the book, and then just smack him over the head with it? Because it sounds like that's what he needs.

jessiedee13 · November 2015

I can honestly say you're already a better woman than me. If my husband had even tbought that, we would only have the 1 child because we still wouldn't have had sex again (and I'm pregnant with #3 so...). Of course I'm a grudge holder, which gets me accused of being a child and what have you, but meh.

As previously stated by several, I'd absolutely call the dr and ask any question you could possibly think of. ALWAYS call. Dr Google is a jerk and will likely make you panic (that's what happens to me), but your dr should give you an actual accurate answer for you. I also agree that your fiance should attend ob visits with you. My husband has only been to 4... (works 8-5...same as the ob office hours, and we need his vacation time when the baby comes), but when he is there he pays close attention and usually leaves confused but at least even more understanding of what's going on and why things I've said were said. For example, with my last baby I started having contractions here and there pretty early on (which never happened the first time) and every time we had sex, they'd get stronger and start to become regular. The dr was fine with continued sex. I on the other hand was not. I told that to my husband. He dropped it and let it go. Did it suck? Heck yeah it sucked, I can't tell you how bad I wanted it because there aren't words for it, but we did it because I felt it was best in my gut. We barely made it until I was cleared after my c section.

All that said, it's an immature way to deal with it, but I wonder if your fiance is just upset because he was looking forward to it for awhile and then BAM it's gone....you know? It needed handled better and I think one long talk is what needs to be had here. But in person might be best, since you can't see emotions in a text.

*Hugs* and I apologize now, because I know I usually sound like a b*tch but that's not my intention. Just how it happens when I share my opinion....especially when I'm irritated.

dshannah · November 2015

Because I have all the angry today:

Any man who isn't satisfied with a loving handjob, blowjob, boobjob (if you've got the equipment), or (if you're into it) anal sex session for nine months is a heteronormative twatwaffle who will make your life miserable in other ways if you stay with him.

And the fact that he's blaming *you* for it and *staying away*? Does he only care about sex? Does he not care about you at all? What kind of fuckwit is he? Did he propose to your vagina and not the whole damn package?

DTMFA. Harsh, but unless he apologizes (and I mean *grovels*) and agrees to go to therapy, you're better off as a single parent than putting up with his BS.

kp90 · November 2015

@jessiedee13 thank you! And yeah I'm surprised I kept my composure and didn't fly off the handle at him. Idk what my deal is because normally that wouldn't fly with me either. Sigh. Idk. But yes he's been to all but one appointment so far but he stays quiet. I wish I could say we talked things out but we actually just got into a huge fight and he said he's no longer looking forward to seeing me, coming home or even finding out the sex of the baby anymore. Which has be in tears again right now of course. I give up.

@dshannah thank you for that comment. It made me smile and giggle through my tears. Sometimes I honestly don't know why he's with me because it's like no matter what I do it's not good enough and it's exhausting. Our argument just now escalated more than any other fight we've ever had and I'm terrified now. But there's also a really tiny part of me that just wants to scream in his face and say fuck you then and leave it be. Idk why he's so darn angry at me right now and making this such a huge freaking deal. All I know is that I really wish a huge bottle of wine was acceptable right now.

doozer1345 · November 2015

@kp90 just so you know love, once LO gets here things don't get easier. Just some food for thought. I'm wondering why you're with him not why he is with you. If you are asking yourself that question there are bigger questions concerning you that you need to be asking.

kp90 · November 2015

@doozer1345 because I really love him. More than anything and want to make this work, especially now and for the baby. But yeah you're right. And I know sometimes two people aren't meant to work regardless of children. There are a lot of issues between us and this pregnancy is bringing more to light. Maybe by a miracle we can fix things and tomorrow he realizes what an ass he is being. Idk. It just hurts.

doozer1345 · November 2015

It does. I learned a long time ago that your children look to you on how their relationships are supposed to be when they grow up. You're going to be responsible for everything with LO and if you're not healthy (physically and mentally and emotionally) you won't be able to nurture those needs LO needs from you. I've been where you are and it's terrifying. I don't know if it helps you but it helped me to think that I'm having a LO that is going to depend on me for everything and she's who matters most. Hopefully I'm not coming off preachy. It gets so much better once you stand up with your head held high, know you're worth more, and demand it. Anyone who doesn't fall into that category in your life goes. You're worth it and your LO is worth having a mom that believes shes worth it.

gampster · November 2015

My doctor told me as well during my NT scan at 14w that my placenta was covering my cervix. Thankfully he followed it with "but in 95% of the time it will move into the correct position" which kept me from worrying too much.

vinerie · November 2015

Your experiences are making me mad and heartbroken. I'm really sorry, @kp90. His reaction is childish, thoughtless and selfish, all wrapped in one. Shame on him.

kp90 · November 2015

Thank you @vinerie @doozer1345 your words have made me feel better. He however has not. Just can't believe something so little has lead to this. Praying he gets his act together and realizes how dumb he is being. If not, I guess I do my best to keep on. Thank you again.

lalala2004 · November 2015

Does he not know you usually can't have sex until 6 weeks after the birth? Probably should prepare him for that, if you decide to put up with his childish behavior for that long.

Frankly, I'd go to couples therapy, and only because of the baby on the way. You're not married. If he doesn't agree to that, then I'd question his commitment to you, despite the fact that you're engaged.

gamommyx3 · November 2015

@dshannah makes several hilarious and valid points, particularly the last one...not trying to get too much into your business but if that's the way he makes you feel, how is he going to make your child feel growing up?

Side note - I am now eagerly awaiting my next opportunity to call someone a heteronormative twatwaffle.

kp90 · November 2015

@Knottie25455542 she really did. I've probably read her comment 5 times already because it makes me feel better and laugh regardless of being so upset at him.

And yes I worry about how he will make our child feel when I know how crappy he can make me feel. It's not something I want my child to experience. We have a long road ahead of us and need to have a serious talk. But seeing as we haven't spoken since last night... Idk. I would love to try therapy but not sure how that will go over. We will see.

dshannah · November 2015

kp90 said:

@doozer1345 because I really love him. More than anything and want to make this work, especially now and for the baby. But yeah you're right. And I know sometimes two people aren't meant to work regardless of children. There are a lot of issues between us and this pregnancy is bringing more to light. Maybe by a miracle we can fix things and tomorrow he realizes what an ass he is being. Idk. It just hurts.

My "Love it" on this comment is mostly a hug. Because I know how this feels, being in love with someone you shouldn't be in love with, being committed to making it work when you don't even know what that would look like because what started out so good has become so earth-shatteringly flawed--it's shitty, and hard, and incredibly difficult to tear yourself away from it, not to throw good time after bad. It took me about 2 years to get over my abusive, manipulative, shaming and domineering boyfriend of 3 years. I am so much happier now, though, and cannot fathom the misery my life would be now if we'd stayed together. Those two years afterwards sucked. And the flashbacks (which still happen on rare occasions) also suck.

But imagine yourself in a relationship where you don't second-guess yourself, where your partner loves and supports you for who you are and makes you into a better person because they give you the scaffolding to go even higher than you'd dreamed. Someone who enriches your life, rather than limiting it, who models how to act and how to treat others. Someone you have fun with, who makes you smile every time you think of them, who you can trust to act in a responsible way, thinking of you and the child before thinking of himself/herself...

That partner is out there. And every minute you spend with Mr. "vaginal sex is more important to me than the woman that vagina belongs to" is a minute you're losing out on that kind of love. Maybe your fiance can be that person if he gets into therapy ASAP, but is it really your job to teach him that he should value his future spouse as a human being and not just as a sperm receptacle? That should be common human decency.

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