Ok, so Dr. Sears claims that attachment parenting is easy. IT'S NOT EASY. My baby is 1 month old, and I still have no idea how to make him feel better when he's distressed. He hates the baby carrier, and I'm not sure how to make it work for us. I feed on demand, and he nurses A LOT. That doesn't worry/bother me... I'll nurse him until the cows come home, but I feel like I overfill his belly because he spits up a lot after eating and I don't want to hurt his belly. He shares a bed with us, but he has his own sleeping pad (for sake of a better word) which keeps him safe (I'm terrified of suffocating him, and this is really the best of both worlds,) but he seems restless when I put him there, even though I'm right next to him.
I guess I thought that if I did all the right things, that I'd know him so much better by now, but I feel like I don't know him at all. I have a hard time responding to his needs because I can't figure them out. And I can't really seem to get this AP thing right, either.
I don't really know who to talk to about this. I don't have any close friends with kids, and my mom passed in March.
Parenting is so hard!! I'm sorry you are struggling but you're doing a great job and it's such a guessing game with all kinda of emotions tangled up in it! Hang in there!
IVF (BCPs starting 10/30/12, ER 11/18/12, 5dt of 1 beautiful, healthy embryo 11/23/12)
BFP 12/02/12, u/s @ 6w,5d showed 2 HBs! Identical twins!!
Bed rest from 21w-35w due to short cervix, hospital bed rest from 23w-32w due to PTL
Our rainbows were born 07/19/13 (36w, 5d)
parenting is hard, period! people like to gloss over how hard it is to have a newborn. in the early weeks your life revolves around your LO, you are totally exhausted, your body doesn't feel "normal," nursing may be a struggle, and you don't get any positive feedback from your LO at all. it seems like all they do is cry and nothing you do is the right thing. they're on your boobs 24-7. i think AP is actually *less* work than "traditional" parenting because what you're doing is in line with you and your LO's natural instincts. there's a reason they call the first three months the "fourth trimester"- your LO needs lots close contact and nurturing. they have to get used to being out in the world-- for 9 months they had their every need met instantaneously! it's a tough adjustment for both you and him. i do think the first 6 weeks are the hardest to get through. soon your LO will probably cut back a little on the constant nursing, be able to tell night from day a little better, and you'll start to get some smiles and a little positive, two-way interaction.
that said, you might want to consider talking to a therapist if you really feel overwhelmed. you've had a major recent loss and having a baby is a huge life change. there's no shame in talking to someone.
be gentle with yourself. i promise it will get easier.
You are doing great mama! My LO is 4 months old, and it's really just the last month where I've felt like I understand what he needs/likes. It will come with time. Just hang in there.
My DD was a lot the same at that age. She wanted to nurse all the time too, which didn't bother me, but she couldn't figure out how to nurse without eating, so there was a lot of spit up. She did eventually figure it out, maybe around 6-8 weeks. Around that time she started sleeping for longer stretches of time, and things just got a little bit easier for me. The first couple weeks were a blur, day and night didn't matter, and she was just trying to figure things out... as was I!
I'm sorry things are tough for you right now. I promise, it will get better! I'm also so sorry for the loss of your mom. I'm sure you miss her terribly right now. Parenting is hard, period! You'll find your groove soon, I promise.
Um, no. If you thought parenting, attachment or otherwise, would be easy, you are either very naive or ill-informed.
The whole point of attachment parenting is to follow your child's natural rhythms and cues; that does not mean it's easy.
I think this is harsh. It's heart-breaking when you know your child needs/wants something and you can't figure out what it is. The AP literature often glosses over how difficult it is to read those cues you know you need to follow.
Ditto PPs that the first six weeks really are the hardest!
Also, remember that every single facet of AP might not be right for *your* family. For us, babywearing and breastfeeding were the way to go, but bed-sharing (while we do it sometimes) really wasn't. Instead of trying to make sure that you're meeting Dr. Sears' needs, relax (haha) a little, and think about what will meet your baby's and yours best, and what feels right to YOU.
Hang in there, mama! You're doing great. Cut yourself some slack. Anyone who says having a newborn is easy and that they enjoy every second of it, is, well...fibbing! My daughter was VERY high needs as an infant. She hated a pacifier (other than me), she hated being worn, she hated pretty much everything except me. But she grew out of all that. It will get better!
I don't really have much I can add that hasn't already been said, just that it may not be easy (maaaaajor understatement...) but it is so totally worth it
I swear to you that things will start to ease up sometime between 6 weeks and 2 months.
If I could go back 14 years and give myself one piece of advice it would be: don't worry so much about doing things the "right" way. This early on, you're not going to establish any habits or patterns that can't be changed later. Trust your instincts and everything will be fine.
For instance: you feel like your baby's need to suck is actually causing him to be too full. That may be true or may not! It won't hurt a thing for you to try letting him suck without eating. You can try offering him non-nutritive sucking, and see what happens without fear that you'll "mess up" anything. If it makes things better, you'll know. If not, you'll try something else and just keep plugging away at it.
Have any of the attachment parenting techniques felt unnatural? Like you were going against your instincts? If baby is frustrated try different things. You are a mom and we all have an instinctual need to make baby happy. Trust yourself! I have just tried to let my son show me what he wants or needs and then accommodated or modified based in what eorks for us you are doing great mama!
Even though it's also a Sears book, The Fussy Baby Book saved my sanity when DS was a baby. It's gold for parents of fussy babies.
What is not mentioned enough in AP books and circles is that, while the techniques have been used since the dawn of time and should be second nature, historically child rearing happened in the context of a village, with 24/7 support for mom and baby. The dilemma of what to do with the baby while you go to the bathroom, take a shower, or do dishes, is a distinctly modern problem. Women were meant to have support from their village, so *someone* is always holding baby, but not always mom. And someone is making meals for mom, available to step in whenever...and we just don't have that. So yeah, it is hard. You have to take it easy on yourself and realize that you can't fulfill the baby's needs until you take care of your own. Ask for help! Find a local group of moms you can rely on for support (API has local chapters). AP isn't hard, it's doing it alone that's hard.
I also second the first 4-6 weeks not really being predictable. There isn't anything you're supposed to know by now, or be able to predict, because that little babe is changing and growing too quickly for anything to stay the same - something that worked fine three days ago may not work so well, because he's gone through a developmental shift. Seriously, those first couple months are just rolling with the punches.
The most valuable and abiding advice I can give is this: "Nothing lasts forever." Chant it to yourself when the baby won't fall asleep at three o'clock in the morning and you feel like your eyeballs will fall out. Mutter it as you try to get him to latch on a sore, aching breast. And murmur it like a prayer when he's looking at you with love, or asleep and burrowing into your arms, and you can smell his sweet head.
In a few months he will be more developed and more consistent. Even in a few weeks. And eventually you will look back at this time and it will just seem like a blur. Just a drop in the bucket.
Listen to your baby, do your best, ask for help when you need it. That's all any mama can do.
I'm mostly lurking, but I just wanted to throw a couple things out there. What works for one baby doesn't work for another. After 3 weeks old DD never liked sleeping on people. She would be really restless. But loved the swing or sleeping on the bobby (before she could roll). In fact she still doesn't like napping on us even if she's sick. She much prefers her crib.
I think you are better off not trying to force something. If babies basic needs are being met, then you just have to try different things. Sometime what works one day doesn't work the next. And just when you think you have it figured out, they change again.
It's very hard and a big adjustment. But it does get easier. One day at a time right now and it will get better. Good luck!
I'm sorry that you're in this tough place right now! It sounds like some local community that is like-minded could be of comfort. Groups that have been of help to me locally (that have a national or international presence) are Attachment Parenting International Support Groups, Le Leche League, Holistic Moms Network, and Babywearing International.
I don't do attachment parenting so maybe I should not comment because I do not know much about it. But I breastfeed my 4 month old and coslept with my Toddler from 6 months to 27 months The 4 month old just starting sleeping with us half the night, only because it is the only way I can get her to sleep after 5 AM. her crib is 1 foot from our bed. I felt so stressed out her first 2 months and was getting no sleep. breastfeeding constantly. She also spit up a lot. Around 2 months she started smiling and sleeping more and I started feeling much better.
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I don't have much advice aside from saying those first couple months make you feel like an idiot regardless I think. I felt like every time I figured something out LO would switch it up.
I did want to mention that our lactation specialist (who was AMAZING and is my doctors wife) said that mothers are designed to NOT squash our babies while we sleep lol. She said it is just one of those "nature" things, we were designed to sleep with our babies and not crush them.
Since then I have slept with LO (right from those first couple weeks) in our bed a lot, or on the sofa, or wherever, and I haven't crushed her once lol
Do you have any type of support group that you can go to? At one month, you may not have gotten out of the house very much yet. But I would highly recommend getting into some type of moms group. I'm involved with a MOPS international group through my church. You can go to their website and find a meeting near you. Ours meets once a month and it's been a lifesaver! It's great to be with other moms who are in the same place to get advice, support and encouragement. Plus it's just a set time out of the house and gives me something to look forward to. Honestly, I"m kind of just trolling the AP page, so I don't have any advice on that...but I will say that most moms I know go to MOPS or some type of moms group. It helps you feel more sane and meets a lot of practical needs! Hang in there, it's just really tough at the beginning, but it does get better!
Um, no. If you thought parenting, attachment or otherwise, would be easy, you are either very naive or ill-informed.
The whole point of attachment parenting is to follow your child's natural rhythms and cues; that does not mean it's easy.
This is really harsh. I was totally unprepared for how difficult having a newborn would be. Why even post on this if you aren't going to be encouraging???
Another vote for "happiest baby on the block". It gave great tips for being able to handle the crying. I ordered it on DVD and it was much easier than the book. I read the book while pg but my friend recommended the DVD and everything clicked. I think it was less than an hour long and he shows you with real babies how to swaddle, sway and shush.
Another thing I found helpful was a lady on Oprah. Her name is Priscilla dunstan. Its 5 sounds a baby makes which tells you what they need from you. I found this helpful because ds had bad tummy issues and I didn't understand until watching her. I'm a ftm, so I figured out he wasn't hungry but had tummy issues. I wrote down the sounds and what they mean. I actually had to watch it a couple times but found it really helpful. Good luck new mama!!
I second this! Things get so much better once you start figuring out when LO is hungry, vs tired, vs going through a growth spurt etc.
He hates the baby carrier, and I'm not sure how to make it work for us.
He shares a bed with us, but he has his own sleeping pad (for sake of a better word) which keeps him safe (I'm terrified of suffocating him, and this is really the best of both worlds,) but he seems restless when I put him there, even though I'm right next to him.
I guess I thought that if I did all the right things, that I'd know him so much better by now, but I feel like I don't know him at all. I have a hard time responding to his needs because I can't figure them out. And I can't really seem to get this AP thing right, either.
Take a deep breath.
Don't worry if you don't think you're getting the AP thing right. You're getting parenting right if you respond to your baby's needs with love.
If he hates the baby carrier, don't use it. Not all babies like to be worn, and baby wearing isn't a rule you have to follow. If he's squirming all night in bed with you, try the crib, a bassinet, or a pack & play in your room. My son was all over the place when he slept and liked his space.
It sounds like you're caught up in a lot of expectations in your parenting. Just love him and respond to his needs. He isn't like any other baby, including the babies Dr. Sears talks about.
Oh gosh how that first month was hard. It does get easier. I promise. I feel like a first time mom all over again because my daughter just turned 8 and my son is 4 months. The first month was so exhausting and I often felt clueless. Some days I look back at that first month and think "man, we survived!" ((((hugs))))
If something doesn't feel right talk to your pediatrician. It's about going with your gut! I don't know your baby but there might be an underlying issue, some kind of allergy.
Also joining a moms group on meetup.com can help. Getting out of the house for the library or walking around the mall helps too. It helps to get out and know you're not alone. All new moms learn together!
I had the same feeling! It's scary! I also thinks it's unfair for books and such to make it seem like you, as the mom, are like some magic potion that can keep baby happy AT ALL TIMES. "If you breastfeed you and baby are in synch and you will instinctively read baby's mind and rainbow glitter farts blah blah blah" it's the same over and over.... I felt the way you do because I felt like a failure if DS had a fussy day. Like..... I'm his mom, I have magic powers to keep him happy 24/7 right? and if I don't always now immediately what he wants I am a failure. It's silly that these books make it sound like you are the all knowing benign goddess earth mother who can solve all of babys problems with a wave of the hand. You care A LOT it sounds like and that's what matters. Answering baby with love a patience while you try to learn and figure baby out is what's is important. It may not feel like it but you will figure it out. You can't really get off the ride! Lol You are doing well BECAUSE you feel like you're failing. It shows you care and are thinking about it. I promise you will figure it out. Just keep watching baby and trying things to help settle him. Also look into your local La Leche League, even if you aren't breastfeeding you can still talk to other moms for support.
Hang in there mamma!!! It will get easier the first six weeks I cried more than I smiled but now me and my little one have a system that works for us and nursing on demand isn't gonna hurt baby's belly... Good luck
Ah Mama--one month old is WAY, WAY too early to decide the approach you've taken is or isn't working. AP can make life easier once you've established that type of relationship with baby. You aren't overfilling his belly--my baby girl still spits up EVERY SINGLE TIME she eats. He's still such a newbie to this big, wide world. Hang on tight. It does get better.
What is not mentioned enough in AP books and circles is that, while the techniques have been used since the dawn of time and should be second nature, historically child rearing happened in the context of a village, with 24/7 support for mom and baby. The dilemma of what to do with the baby while you go to the bathroom, take a shower, or do dishes, is a distinctly modern problem. Women were meant to have support from their village, so *someone* is always holding baby, but not always mom. And someone is making meals for mom, available to step in whenever...and we just don't have that. So yeah, it is hard. You have to take it easy on yourself and realize that you can't fulfill the baby's needs until you take care of your own. Ask for help! Find a local group of moms you can rely on for support (API has local chapters). AP isn't hard, it's doing it alone that's hard.
THIS THIS THIS.
Everything in perspective. First, that your baby is unique. Your baby may not like being in a carrier. That does not mean you're failing. It does not mean that you should feel guilty about putting him in a bouncer if he's happier there. All these techniques and tools are basically ideas that might help your baby or might not. It's good to give them a try and troubleshoot if needed, but if you've given it all you've got and it's not working for your baby or for you, that's ok!
Second, exactly what deux said, our culture is not set up to support the mother, yet attachment parenting puts a TON of pressure on mothers to be ever-present for their children. Because, yes, babies need their needs responded to, but to expect the mother to be able to give, give, give 24/7 without HER needs being met is unrealistic. If we lived in a community setting where "grandmas" or "aunties" or someone was available to meet the baby's needs while mom napped or showered or got out of the house to refuel, it'd be easier for moms to be attentive and nurturing when they were around their babies.
There is ONE paragraph that acknowledges mothers can't be "on" 24/7 in Sears' Nighttime Parenting book. He talks about ONE mother who realized that she couldn't be a good nighttime parent and a good daytime parent, too. I think she had a lot of children and she decided she wouldn't be cosleeping because she needed SOME time away from her children to be a good mom. And Sears seemed to be ok with that, BUT he only made ONE paragraph of his book about that, and the rest of the book is all about being present with your child through the entire night. Blink and you'll miss it.
Your situation is unique, your baby is unique, and you need to do what you can to be a good mother most of the time. No one is expecting you to be a perfect AP mother 24/7. Do what you can to be attentive and nurturing to your child MOST of the time while still maintaining your sanity. Because YOU matter. Your mental and physical health matters. This is not easy, so you need support, too. Think of ways you can get the support/breaks you need. Ask a counselor for ideas, or even ask the moms on these boards.
ONEder Cover convertible nursing cover: Use 6+ ways from birth through childhood and beyond! Bibcloth! 2-in-1 burp cloth and bib Armchair Organizer: Keep everything handy while you rock your baby.
Sounds like baby has reflux. My second had it and could only sleep well in a rock and play. He would spit up every night at the same time. I was a mess. After we put him on med. for reflux he was a different baby.
Sometimes you have to adjust your parenting and go against what you were planning in order to respond better to baby's needs. If attachment parenting techniques aren't working for you and baby functions better on more of a schedule, or doesn't take to co-sleeping or baby wearing well then you need to adjust in order to keep baby happy. Forcing something will not make a happy mommy or happy baby. I never thought I would be into attachment parenting for example but LO responds so well to bed sharing and baby wearing that I've adopted it in order to meet her needs. However we were unable to breastfeed like I planned, (milk never came in) so I had to adjust my feeding plan. It may seem hard now but you are doing wonderfully I'm sure, just your desire to respond to baby and know how to help him shows you are a good mother. Try not to get too caught up in "parenting style" and just do what works for your baby, no matter how you parent it will never be easy but over time you will find a unique system that works for you and your baby. Good luck!
Re: Dr. Sears totally lied
Dx: balanced translocation and LPD
TTC since Oct 2011
BPF 02/19/12, EDD 10/31/12, natural m/c 02/28/12 (4w6d)
IVF (BCPs starting 10/30/12, ER 11/18/12, 5dt of 1 beautiful, healthy embryo 11/23/12)
BFP 12/02/12, u/s @ 6w,5d showed 2 HBs! Identical twins!!
Bed rest from 21w-35w due to short cervix, hospital bed rest from 23w-32w due to PTL
Our rainbows were born 07/19/13 (36w, 5d)
that said, you might want to consider talking to a therapist if you really feel overwhelmed. you've had a major recent loss and having a baby is a huge life change. there's no shame in talking to someone.
be gentle with yourself. i promise it will get easier.
Way to show support. Are you usually this much of a judgmental jerk?
Thank you, everyone BESIDES MrsMuq, for your kind and supportive words. I am struggling right now, and your words were really helpful.
Also, remember that every single facet of AP might not be right for *your* family. For us, babywearing and breastfeeding were the way to go, but bed-sharing (while we do it sometimes) really wasn't. Instead of trying to make sure that you're meeting Dr. Sears' needs, relax (haha) a little, and think about what will meet your baby's and yours best, and what feels right to YOU.
What is not mentioned enough in AP books and circles is that, while the techniques have been used since the dawn of time and should be second nature, historically child rearing happened in the context of a village, with 24/7 support for mom and baby. The dilemma of what to do with the baby while you go to the bathroom, take a shower, or do dishes, is a distinctly modern problem. Women were meant to have support from their village, so *someone* is always holding baby, but not always mom. And someone is making meals for mom, available to step in whenever...and we just don't have that. So yeah, it is hard. You have to take it easy on yourself and realize that you can't fulfill the baby's needs until you take care of your own. Ask for help! Find a local group of moms you can rely on for support (API has local chapters). AP isn't hard, it's doing it alone that's hard.
I think you are better off not trying to force something. If babies basic needs are being met, then you just have to try different things. Sometime what works one day doesn't work the next. And just when you think you have it figured out, they change again.
It's very hard and a big adjustment. But it does get easier. One day at a time right now and it will get better. Good luck!
More Green For Less Green
I did want to mention that our lactation specialist (who was AMAZING and is my doctors wife) said that mothers are designed to NOT squash our babies while we sleep lol. She said it is just one of those "nature" things, we were designed to sleep with our babies and not crush them.
Since then I have slept with LO (right from those first couple weeks) in our bed a lot, or on the sofa, or wherever, and I haven't crushed her once lol
Also joining a moms group on meetup.com can help. Getting out of the house for the library or walking around the mall helps too. It helps to get out and know you're not alone. All new moms learn together!
Everything in perspective. First, that your baby is unique. Your baby may not like being in a carrier. That does not mean you're failing. It does not mean that you should feel guilty about putting him in a bouncer if he's happier there. All these techniques and tools are basically ideas that might help your baby or might not. It's good to give them a try and troubleshoot if needed, but if you've given it all you've got and it's not working for your baby or for you, that's ok!
Second, exactly what deux said, our culture is not set up to support the mother, yet attachment parenting puts a TON of pressure on mothers to be ever-present for their children. Because, yes, babies need their needs responded to, but to expect the mother to be able to give, give, give 24/7 without HER needs being met is unrealistic. If we lived in a community setting where "grandmas" or "aunties" or someone was available to meet the baby's needs while mom napped or showered or got out of the house to refuel, it'd be easier for moms to be attentive and nurturing when they were around their babies.
There is ONE paragraph that acknowledges mothers can't be "on" 24/7 in Sears' Nighttime Parenting book. He talks about ONE mother who realized that she couldn't be a good nighttime parent and a good daytime parent, too. I think she had a lot of children and she decided she wouldn't be cosleeping because she needed SOME time away from her children to be a good mom. And Sears seemed to be ok with that, BUT he only made ONE paragraph of his book about that, and the rest of the book is all about being present with your child through the entire night. Blink and you'll miss it.
Your situation is unique, your baby is unique, and you need to do what you can to be a good mother most of the time. No one is expecting you to be a perfect AP mother 24/7. Do what you can to be attentive and nurturing to your child MOST of the time while still maintaining your sanity. Because YOU matter. Your mental and physical health matters. This is not easy, so you need support, too. Think of ways you can get the support/breaks you need. Ask a counselor for ideas, or even ask the moms on these boards.
You're doing great.
Owner, Milk and Sugar Baby
www.milkandsugarbaby.comONEder Cover convertible nursing cover: Use 6+ ways from birth through childhood and beyond!
Bibcloth! 2-in-1 burp cloth and bib
Armchair Organizer: Keep everything handy while you rock your baby.
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