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Concerned about visitors....

LydianGLydianG member
edited November 2015 in November 2015 Moms
I'll make this kind of short. I'm 100% the kind of person that will turn into a rage beast if I start to feel smothered by visitors. I just tried to explain to SO that he needs to not speedial his friends (who i hate anyways) to come be up my buttcrack right when we get home from delivering at the birth center. I will miss not having an iron wall of nurses like I did at the hospital with my first baby. If I said "everyone needs to leave me alone" they cleared the room like a swat team. I know it's his baby too and he has a right to be excited and share this experience with people he likes but man... i really don't want to have to stuggle with wanting to throat punch people. I tried to explain to him "listen my boobs will be flying everywhere trying to get him to latch, and I'm going to be uncomfortable" and he says the right words back to me, but I also know how he can be impulsive and just do stuff anyways. 

Is anyone else in the same situation? Are there solutions other than just locking yourself in your room like a cave troll and not allowing anybody in? Also if your baby is on the outside did you feel really cranky about visitors or did you feel pretty good? I just feel like i'm going to be a crankysaurus rex... but I dont know if that's just because I feel like crap right now at full term. lol


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Re: Concerned about visitors....

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    Lolo427Lolo427 member
    So I'm 2 and a half weeks pp and DHs family drives me batty. My family is tiny and the couple times I have seen them (mind you only my parents- my siblings are across country) sit and visit with me and wait for me to offer DD over.His immediate family all but tackles each other to get to LO (including the younger kids)- and his outer family all want to stop by and visit, some in which I've only met once or twice my whole relationship to DH. I had to tell DH to mediate and tell people to back off or I would get flighty and nasty. His immediate still drive me friggin crazy but only so much I can do about that except limit visits and take her. I'm just starting to think about allowing others for a short visit now and only a select few.
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    Pontot31Pontot31 member
    We flat out told people no visitors for a week with my daughter and it was great. I loved that it was just us. We will do the same again this time.

    Don't be afraid to set rules and enforce them.
    I find getting up to feed the baby and taking them to another room and not coming back out helps ;)
    Talk to your husband and a time limit and make him stick to and enforce it.
    When when ILs came and stayed with us about 2 weeks after my daughter was born I would just go I tot her room and close the door to feed her. They knew not to bother me. And I never feel bad abut taking my baby back from someone who is holding them.

    You've got to communicate with him and tell him how important it is that you get space.
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    kwaldykwaldy member
    Ohh yeah I can see this happening. My mom very much understands how I work. She's low maintenance and basically told me that she would lay low until I told her that I needed her, and she understands giving baby back when they cry. My family knows that I'm the kind of person that revitalizes myself with alone time.
    DH is respectful of that, but his family basically invited themselves to stay with us when baby comes. I was able to put my foot down when they told us they were going to come now and stay til after thanksgiving. HELL to the NO. I told them they were welcome at thanksgiving, but that's it.

    I think it's important to set your limits and I think it's perfectly acceptable to disappear if you feel overwhelmed. Your emotions are going to be crazy anyway.
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    sadyy131sadyy131 member
    Not even just when I get home from the hospital, everyone is asking SO to call them when I'm in labor so they can be there waiting for me to push the baby out. Talk about uncomfortable. I do not want a waiting room full of people and I do not want to see anyone other than SO for the first few hours after delivery. I know everyone will be fighting to hold the baby and as a new mom it will make me uncomfortable. SO says he'll call them as soon as the baby is out, that way while we have our "golden hour" of skin to skin, they have time to travel up here. But still, I do not want to see people an hour after giving birth. I'm a FTM, but I'm going to assume you're pretty damn tired for some time after giving birth and I do not want to focus on talking to people.
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    LydianGLydianG member
    edited November 2015
    Maybe I will just tell SO that if he starts inviting people over without asking me that i'm just going to treat people however I feel like treating them so he can be impulsive at his own risk. Man I am just so cranky just thinking about it. I don't give two poops if you were there for their babies. They clearly didn't mind, everything doesn't have to be full circle tit for tat when it comes to stuff like that. Clearly they wanted people around and I don't. 

    Plan B is to just pack up the baby and go to my parents house for a few hours if things get out of control with visitors. I'm just expecting a struggle with him about this. I hope hope hope he can just respect my wishes because I am past the point in my life where I will suffer though things that I don't want to deal with. 
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    hlaverett88hlaverett88 member
    I'm a very "set in my way" kind of person and I hate having my space crowded. And when little one is born at least 5 family members will be staying in my house and I am already annoyed and angry about it. I know everyone will be very excited to meet him and spend time with him but I am feeling very possessive and just know I will blow up on someone. I just want time with my husband and son when he's born but everyone is going to come and bombard us and he's not even born yet and it makes me mad they're coming right away.
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    LydianGLydianG member

    hlaverett88 said:
    I'm a very "set in my way" kind of person and I hate having my space crowded. And when little one is born at least 5 family members will be staying in my house and I am already annoyed and angry about it. I know everyone will be very excited to meet him and spend time with him but I am feeling very possessive and just know I will blow up on someone. I just want time with my husband and son when he's born but everyone is going to come and bombard us and he's not even born yet and it makes me mad they're coming right away.


    Oh boy.... that is my absolute worst nightmare scenario. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. 
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    MouseMama817MouseMama817 member
    edited November 2015
    Dirty lurker from A15 here lol. My DD is 13 weeks today and I still have trouble with visitors! When we delivered, we had about an 2 hours alone with her in the recovery room but when we were moved to our overnight shoebox-sized room, there were about 13 people crammed into it jostling to see the baby. I wanted every one of them there and was happy to see them, but looking back I wish I would've held onto LO and just allowed people to ogle her from a distance. She ended up being passed around and my in-laws kept flashing their camera phones in her face. She was dead asleep the entire time but still. My parents were the only ones who didn't overstay their welcome. But when I'd had enough and felt that I'd run out of energy to be polite, I just looked at DH and said "Okay, I want to rest now." And he immediately asked everyone to leave. 

    Now that we're home, it's always a struggle to get visitors to respect her nap times. They always want to wake her up or come over super close to her bedtime and then "oops" keep her up past it. It doesn't happen often but when it does it definitely has me fuming for a few days and swearing I'll never let another person into the house lol.

    I hope your DH doesn't get ahead of himself and invite a bunch of people into the room but if he does, just politely tell them you need to rest and that they're welcome to come see the baby another time. People will understand even if your DH doesn't. Good luck!
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    SweetTooth126SweetTooth126 member
    I was so worried about visitors but actually found them to be not so bad. I make sure they are staggered and don't overstay their welcome. Most bring food which is a plus. If I get overwhelmed I tell my husband who comes to with a reason why everyone needs to leave. Wait til your LO gets here and see how it goes.

    Married DH December 2014
    Expecting DS#1 November 2015
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    sarahsnowballsarahsnowball member
    If you choose to breastfeed, you get a great excuse to take your baby back from visitors and take them away to another room if it all gets too much. Even if they don't really need feeding, you can pretend that you want to try a little feed since they didn't have much last time.
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    mrsaragonmrsaragon member
    hlaverett88 said:

    I'm a very "set in my way" kind of person and I hate having my space crowded. And when little one is born at least 5 family members will be staying in my house and I am already annoyed and angry about it. I know everyone will be very excited to meet him and spend time with him but I am feeling very possessive and just know I will blow up on someone. I just want time with my husband and son when he's born but everyone is going to come and bombard us and he's not even born yet and it makes me mad they're coming right away.


    ^^this! My EDD is this Sunday. My mom and brother are coming this weekend. Which I don't mind. She had planned on it since we announced our pregnancy. BUT, my mother in law, both brother in laws and one of their girlfriends (who I've only met twice), will be flying in on the same day, 2 days after my EDD. I'll have at least 9 people in my house combined when we get home from the hospital and it's stressing me out beyond belief. I know his mom is going to be way to up mine and the babies ass trying to smother him, and I have a feeling I will be flipping my sh*t. She's only been a "mother" to my husband when it's benefited her, so I already have animosity. I'm sure hormones and her won't mix well. I plan on nursing so I'm hoping I can lock myself in my bedroom for the week his family is here and blame it on that. I just already can't deal.
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    ASalton1ASalton1 member
    sadyy131 said:

    Not even just when I get home from the hospital, everyone is asking SO to call them when I'm in labor so they can be there waiting for me to push the baby out. Talk about uncomfortable. I do not want a waiting room full of people and I do not want to see anyone other than SO for the first few hours after delivery. I know everyone will be fighting to hold the baby and as a new mom it will make me uncomfortable. SO says he'll call them as soon as the baby is out, that way while we have our "golden hour" of skin to skin, they have time to travel up here. But still, I do not want to see people an hour after giving birth. I'm a FTM, but I'm going to assume you're pretty damn tired for some time after giving birth and I do not want to focus on talking to people.

    This times a million. My dad and his girlfriend live 2.5 hours away and want to be notified the moment I'm in labor so they can drive down here to visit the moment she pops out. I've explained to them that this is a small hospital and maybe it would be easier for them to just visit a few days later after she is home and we have a schedule going but they are insistent. We have decided not to tell them when I go into labor and just tell everyone after she is born that she has arrived. I know it sounds mean but he just doesn't listen and if he knows I'm in labor even if I'm not headed to the hospital yet he will still head up here. It's just too much stress as a FTM.
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    savyjohn1savyjohn1 member
    edited November 2015
    Your baby your rules. When in doubt use the immediate family only rule. This will at least keep girlfriends, neighbors, whomever away. If you need a break, just kick EVERYONE out!! Be tough, your baby is more imporant than someone else feelings. Stress will affect you both, especially if you are nursing! ! Hang tough mamas!!!!!
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    midge519midge519 member
    Lurker from O15 and when I was close to my due date we told everyone we wanted all visitors at the hospital and the first few days at home we don't want any visitors. Most people came to visit us in the hospital. Some tried to visit right away at home and we reminded them we don't want visitors at home until we are ready. Three days after being at home (5 day old baby) we allowed people to come over. It was also trick or treat so everyone was focused on a lot of other things as well. Even now we try to limit visitors to mainly when SO is at work so his time home is family time.
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    french_manifrench_mani member
    I'm sure a lot of people also feel the same way as you. I have had some anxiety about this the past few months as well. I am an over planner so although I know it's probably best for us to just play it by ear and see how I'm feeling and everything goes, it's also making me nervous that we don't have a set plan about this. The one thing we did agree on is that we will call our parents when I get admitted into L&D and they will be called when the baby is born. Then after the first hour when we are moved to mother & baby room in seperate wing, they can come visit. Now it's everyone else that I don't know how it's going to go... Have one friend who lives 8 hours away and she assumes she's getting a call when we're driving to the hospital so she can start driving down. Well too bad little does she know she will know when the baby is born. I don't want anyone waiting in the hospital and the hospital doesn't like that either. I feel like I would rather have people visit in the hospital bc they won't stay very long and I don't feel like I have to clean for them or entertain them. Then I think that I won't know what I'm doing as a mom and I need that time to be with my baby and have the nurses help me. Sorry this is so long.
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    MadBloomMadBloom member
    So I thought that I would want everyone to leave me alone this time around but recovery was going really well, breastfeeding was going well too and I had such high spirits in the days following the delivery that we had several people visit that first week and it didn't bother me at all. It was actually nice to have someone there to hold the newborn so I could do something with the toddler or just have a general break. We came home the same day she was born and my best friend was there that night.

    I wanted nothing to do with anyone for like 2 months after my first was born. Haha. So I guess it depends on how hard the pp hormones hit you and how you're healing etc.
    YCSWU
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    kwaldykwaldy member
    In other news... shoot me. I told my ILs Thanksgiving. My idea is like... 3 days (weds thurs friday) when it comes to Thanksgiving. APPARENTLY it actually means, come the Friday before Thanksgiving, and leave the Sunday after.... please god help me. This just made me so stabby.

    I think when LO comes, I'm just going to recluse into the nursery and keep my boobs out all the time.... haha. Kidding, but it really annoys me when people treat us like a zoo animal.
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    threatlevelmidnightthreatlevelmidnight member
    At my breast feeding class, the lactation consultant said it's good to really limit visitors the first week to get to know your baby and establish a good breast feeding relationship. That's totally going to be my excuse! Lol
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    hlaverett88hlaverett88 member
    kwaldy said:

    In other news... shoot me. I told my ILs Thanksgiving. My idea is like... 3 days (weds thurs friday) when it comes to Thanksgiving. APPARENTLY it actually means, come the Friday before Thanksgiving, and leave the Sunday after.... please god help me. This just made me so stabby.

    I think when LO comes, I'm just going to recluse into the nursery and keep my boobs out all the time.... haha. Kidding, but it really annoys me when people treat us like a zoo animal.

    So much love for this! Mine are planning on coming tomorrow after my 39wk appointment.. Why on Earth they want to come that soon infuriates me but I'm going to try and stay calm and just get this LO here safe and sound and if I get too annoyed..hide in the nursery! Lol
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    TacoSarahTacoSarah member
    If it hadn't been for my visitors then I wouldn't have been able to cope. Being a FTM and single mum, I needed the company and the help. They brought food, looked after the baby while I showered and kept me sane with grown up conversation.

    I've been so excited to show off my son because I've waited so long to have a baby and really thought it might never happen.

    I also wish I had the overbearing parents in law problem. The father and his family don't give a crap about my baby and that breaks my heart.
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    lopezalonsolopezalonso member
    I totally get it. I couldn't get rid of my MIL when DD was born. She thought that because she lived down the street and because this was her first grandchild that she could just enter my home whenever to "help." It was really rough. This LO is coming out by this weekend and I can barely sleep thinking about how to handle my MIL and mom. DH avoids conflicts with his mom like the plague because she will twist things around and convince herself that, that is what he meant. For example, yesterday I asked him to just tell her that if my mom is here to please just wait to be needed that I don't need two grandmas at the same time. His response, "well, if she isn't helping by day 2 she's going to say that I wanted to keep her away from her grandchild." WTF lady. This. Is. Not. About. You.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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    LydianGLydianG member
    Part of my problem is that I've never wanted to see someone's baby that badly. So I just don't understand. Grandparents... I understand wanting to see their grandchild, but even when my best friend had her baby I waited for her to ask me to come over. I'd text her and asked her if she wanted lunch or a smoothie or something but I just kind of let her do her thing and reach out to me when she needed some extra love or help. 
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    CocoR04CocoR04 member
    LydianG said:

    Part of my problem is that I've never wanted to see someone's baby that badly. So I just don't understand. Grandparents... I understand wanting to see their grandchild, but even when my best friend had her baby I waited for her to ask me to come over. I'd text her and asked her if she wanted lunch or a smoothie or something but I just kind of let her do her thing and reach out to me when she needed some extra love or help. 

    This! I don't understand the need to see a newborn in person when visitors (non family) might stress out new parents or bring in unwanted germs. With social media these days, everyone can see photos or videos and not actually meet baby until later. Support from friends like bringing meals is wonderful, and my friends and I do this for each other, but I've always dropped the meal at the door and left unless the parents ask me inside.
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    kwaldykwaldy member
    @hlaverett88 it's beyond me why they want to be there... but I guess I'll do my best to tolerate it. No use getting all stressed if I can't do anything about it. Haha
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    MercyC1130MercyC1130 member
    I love my brothers and SILs dearly and they are all super respectful and supportive. That said, I am about to have my brother, sil, 2 yr old nephew, grandmother, mom, stepdad, sister, SOs bil, SO, me, a newborn, and I'll throw in the 3 dogs for extra effect, in the house during the holidays. (EDD is 19th, so crossing fingers baby will be here by then!)
    On Thanksgiving it will probably be all the above plus my other brother, sil, and 1 yr old niece. 
    TBH though, my brothers and SILs generally take away from my stress because they know how my mom and sister can be handfuls and are understanding of how I am a tad quieter and need spaaaace...
    Still, I am nervous about so many people, and I just want time to get to know my baby. A lot people stress me out easy, and I am worried about ppd. I don't know if all the people will add to triggering that, or distract me.

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    brianna91chavezbrianna91chavez member
    sarahsnowball said:

    If you choose to breastfeed, you get a great excuse to take your baby back from visitors and take them away to another room if it all gets too much. Even if they don't really need feeding, you can pretend that you want to try a little feed since they didn't have much last time.

    This. I've done this a few times when my over bearing MIL has come to visit. My husband has a big family and they all feel the need to come over at once so it's overwhelming and getting away to feed him gives me a chance to compose myself and not get too anxious.
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