Sorry, not sorry SO

momotheflyinglemur · November 2015

I work the front desk at my office, which means that my attitude towards the day can permeate through the entire office, therefore I am not at the point where I pretty much fake peppiness and energy for more than 50% of my day. It is exhausting. I am highly supported at work and get to take an hour outside of my lunch to rest in the Rec Room, but other than that I still have a relatively high level of activity. I am okey with it. It makes the day go more quickly and is better than having 45 people ask me everyday why I have RBF (resting bitch face).

I had a terrible morning today though. I didn't pull myself out of bed until the last alarm, my dog nearly tripped me as I went to throw away his poop back during our walk, I poured water into my Honey Nut Cheerios... :'-( Need I go on?

SO is aware of all of this and we commute together to work. When he gets out of bed I give him a big hug because his hugs soothe me when I feeling my emotions running away from me. But then on the way to work I am in this like zombie state looking at pictures of puppies and other mindless internet things to keep me calm. And he says...

SO: Are you looking at traffic?

Me: No, but I can hold on. (pull up the other page and we figure out which route to take to work, me in a fairly monotone voice because life is exhausting)

SO: Are you okey? I wish you weren't so bummed out because it makes me bummed out.

Me: No, I'm fine. I just need this time to just be.

SO: Okey, but I wish you would just tell me what you need because I will do it. I just want you to be happy.

Me: (getting teary eyed now because jeezaloo I just wanted to look at cat pictures before I went in the office) I am happy, I am happy but I'm also exhausted and uncomfortable and right now all I need is some silence. I'm sorry.

He immediately apologized too and gets all comforting. I appreciate his support and everything but I have always been fiercely independent and it has been hard for me to give up some of that self-reliance as it is. At this point I need him to help me off the couch after I get too comfortable. I love that he does it, but hate that its come to that. He does so much for me and I am thankful, but he feels he isn't doing enough if I am still getting "sad" and worn out. Last night we were cuddling and I just started crying and he wanted to isolate why so he could eliminate the cause, but it was just because I was tired and so comfortable in his arms. Of course, he doesn't really get why this is a reason to cry... honestly, neither do I except you know, hormones....

Do any of you ladies have guys like this? How can I make him understand that I appreciate him but that at this point in the process there are just some things he is not going to be able to fix?

ugh, 45 days!!!!

Bombmom3 · November 2015

There is a great book called The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine. It goes over all of the hormone changes, pathways and physiological and physiological responses men go through during each life stage. It isn't a horribly life changing book but it helped me so so so much with my frustrations over DH needing to find and fix the problem I had during normal "I just need to talk about this" vent sessions. Basically, men are literally wired to "fix" things and it makes them feel powerless/helpless when they can't just come up with a solution to their partner's issues (even if there IS no solution). Women, on the other hand, are wired to listen and process/support. Makes for frustrations on both ends of the spectrum, especially when you throw pregnancy hormones into the mix!!

Having a frank discussion with DH that you're just hormonal and need the hug/comfort as the solution (and nothing more) might help.

I'm sorry you feel so down and worn out. We all have been there and this struggle you are having with your dependency will be over in just a few weeks, I promise.

(Oh, and there is a companion book, The Female Brain. Though I was not happy to read our brains actually physically shrink during our cycles and during pregnancy

)

momotheflyinglemur · November 2015

@bombmom3 I will look up that book. I figure it will just have to be one of those grown up conversations. Yeah, I'm a FTM so it feels like it's never gonna end because I haven't experienced the pay off of having baby before.

The shrinking brain comment gave me my first real chuckle of the day, so thank you :-D

Taylovesbrad · November 2015

He sounds wonderful. I had a come to Jesus with my so last night cause he has been dropping the ball lately. Not that he isn't helping out, but seriously needed to step up. Trying to get him to give me a back massage longer than five minutes is like pulling teeth and i am in a lot of pa in every day.

I say look on the brightside. At least he is willing to helping and actually asking you how you are.

Feel better!

momotheflyinglemur · November 2015

@taylovesbrad hahaha he better step up. I mean he is half the reason y'all are in this mess. lols jk My SO doesn't understand the appeal of back and foot rubs personally, which means that he pretty much sucks at them or forgets all the tips I gave him from the previous time. hahaha I'll rub your back if you rub mine, Tay Tay

LMJL · November 2015

I agree with @Taylorlovesbrad on the other side of the fence your grass is actually looking a little greener than mine right now! Perhaps we should switch SOs for a week.

My man is amazing & I love him intensely, but he is not one to ask about my feelings or how he can help. He probably also wouldn't get much of a chance since I usually tell him anyway. Your SO sounds like ME actually asking my husband what's wrong, etc. Also, I wish I could get a 5 min massage from him! I've only asked once though, my theory is that I'm saving it all up for labor when I'm going to expect it the whole time. His luck, I'll end up having to get a section & he'll get out of any massages at all!
@momoftheflyinglemur- I'm sorry you're having a stinky day. I hope it gets better, we're in the home stretch!

breezypip · November 2015

This is very much like DH and I at times. He likes talking things out and fixing it, and sometimes I just need to let it be or go inward (I'm very much an introvert). I just have to make sure I try to explain it to him every now and then and that he shouldn't take it personally.

kathleeeenrose · November 2015

This pregnancy I've been less emotional than my first, but I remember feeling a lot like this and needing to cry and basically just being like, sorry, hormones, don't ask, I love you...

Taylovesbrad · November 2015

@momotheflyinglemur haha sounds good to me!!! My so has massage tip amnesia as well.
Thank god for my mom, she gave me 3 prenatal massages at my shower.

celainev · November 2015

My DH is a lot like this! Wants to fix everything! Which I love but it's not always what I need!

And then he gets frustrated when I just need to calm myself down on my own.

I always look for ways to make sure he knows I appreciate him. Bringing him his supper to work, when he works evenings, has been my latest little treat for him. He does SO much more for me than I can do for him right now. So I try little things.

mrs14678 · November 2015

At least he's at home!!

My DH was home yesterday, cos his grandfather died, so the Academy allowed him to come home for the funeral. On the way back to drop him off, he was all sad because he feels like he's letting me down since he isn't home during the week. I assured him that he is helping tremendously because he is working toward his career and supporting us, his family!

We love a couple books that help with the male/female husband/wife communication:
- Love and Respect
- For Men Only
- For Women Only

ToneGirl · November 2015

Wow, I wish my DH was this way! I mean he helps if I ask but NEVER just takes the initiative to get something done. If I'm not home, he will do absolutely nothing and then I come home to dishes everywhere, dog not fed or taken out, dinner not started or anything. Drives me crazy!! We both work full time and have multiple part time businesses plus 3 kids already with crazy schedules. I know we all need our relaxing time but right now, I need him to step it up. I'm going in a hundred directions and slowing down more and more each day. I'm in a lot of pain and barely can walk most days. He's one of those guys that you have to constantly ask him to do things or he will act like there is nothing to do. Some men just don't get it. However, I see that your situation can get annoying as well. Sigh...

momotheflyinglemur · November 2015

Thanks, ladies, I guess you are right, I do have it pretty good and I love my SO for everything he does. I know I am lucky that he is so involved as some men are not able to connect with their upcoming responsibilities until it is crying and pooping in his arms. I am really hormonal... and I guess today everything kind of stacked up. Maybe I am even lashing out at him here, when I was really just frustrated with everything in general.

mltarrio · November 2015

I totally agree that the general male attitude is of needing to identify and fix problems. I had a super emotional first trimester, where I literally cried about everything and nothing all the time. The best way for me to express this to my very sweet "fixer" of a husband was to tell him that I was about to cry, and that it wasn't about anything. When I told him in advance, (or during if he caught me mid-cry), that there was no cause or reason, he didn't feel like he needed to "fix" it for me, which led to a better outcome for both of us.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I understand how frustrating it can be to be out of control of your own emotions. In good news your husband sounds like a sweetheart, even if he doesn't/can't understand what you are going through.

itstheblackwidowbaby · November 2015

Lurker from November here. Early on in my pregnancy I explained that unless I specifically asked for help, if my SO saw me upset that it was his job to just hug and soothe me. Not trying to fix a thing (unless his fix involves food, then please fix me with ice cream or cookies) unless I ask. It's worked for the most part. The other thing I recommend is that if you just feel shitty for no reason - own it. I promise, he can take your honesty. I'm 8 days from my EDD and my SO had the nerve to look at me last night and say this gem: "Are you okay? You look miserable." My answer? "NO SHIT I AM MISERABLE". Bless him, he just gave my leg a squeeze and told me he loved me.

You're almost there!

acanfield18 · November 2015

Well I wish my DH even pretended to care about how I'm feeling.. He never asks and I have to beg him for help sometimes. Last night for example, my 4 yo fell asleep on him, he asked me to move her so he could get up. I asked him to please take the dog out and he lost it! I get it, he has a job that makes money...but I have two kids, a house to run, my school, kids school, cooking and everyday errands on top of being pregnant...I'd give anything to trade with him, work 8 hrs and do nothing after..but my day never stops and I'm hugely pregnant...he can take the damn dog out side! It gets old.

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