Without your Mom.

TheHauntedHauswife · November 2015

So, over the past 6+ months my parents and i have essentially become estranged. Without telling the entire story. A lot of pent up anger for many many years paired with some things causing my mother to act very out of character.I essentially stood up for myself to them and they couldn't handle it, and want to just continue to blame me endlessly for everything.They will not admit any fault, they have completely made up things and twisted things.Its just a very volatile situation, and i hoped my pregnancy would ease the tension. It really kind of didn't, they had issues with how we told them we were pregnant , dont care if stress is bad for the baby, they just want it all their way.

.

So long story short.. it doesnt look like they are going to be around. Whether that be my choice in not willing to put myself + baby into a dangerous stressful situation or them deciding that they will not let go of anything for the rest of forever.... i don't see them being around. The problem is that. I''m pretty okay with this, but everyone around me is endlessly saying "but yourr gonna neeeed your mom when you have a baby''. While i am over here feeling like this is actually kind of a relief. My mother is extremely opinionated and the second that you disagree with her the world is over. I spent years being afraid to be my true self around her or express my true feelings because she would just lose it over the littlest things. If this situation isnt proof of that. i dont know what is. (essentially she was really really upsetting me about things that were 100% my own decision and taking it personal when i made my own personal choices, so i pretty much told her that wasnt okay with me and wasnt going to work having her tell me how to make my own decisions about my own life.)

But i guess what im commenting about is that, it just seems like no one has any faith in me and i am just wondering if there is anyone out there who did just fine without their mom? Who maybe even did it without their mothers, by choice. I just want one person to tell me that I will be able to do this without my mother, and have a little bit of faith in me as a person. I am so tired of everyone around me acting like they understand why this is so bad, but ending with we still need to fix this cause im going to "need my mom''.

mrsschmity · November 2015

While I have not been through this personally, I want to say that I am very sorry you're going through this. Lots of internet hugs to you. I will say that you CAN do this. You are strong, able and more than capable. Assuming you've got all the support in the world from your SO, and hopefully some close friends you can lean on. You can do this.

TheHauntedHauswife · November 2015

Thank you! Its pretty much the last thing i want to be dealing with right now. Im trying so hard to not let the stress physically get to me.

But yes, husband, Sister in Law, Mother in Law, Close friends. Im not alone here. I have people around. Its sad that so many people have such little faith in me. =(

adiaz132003 · November 2015

Well my mom and I aren't that bad but she has always been super pushy and controlling so I told her I don't want her in the room with me and would rather she wait outside. She all worked up and told me that she'd be waiting for me to cry for my mommy. And she wonders why I don't want her there...

wbwells · November 2015

I can't sympathize exactly because my mom and I have a great relationship, but I'll be doing this pregnancy labor delivery and raising of the baby with just my husband. We live in Kuwait and the rest of our family in America so I'll have to do it without mom and mil sil etc.
Good luck momma. Try not to let the stress bother you. I always find writing letters helpful because they don't have to get sent and I can get everything down that I'm feeling and if I still feel the same way after a few days I send it.

fishwife799 · November 2015

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You absolutely can do this in your own.
One of my very good friends has no relationship with her mother. She has actually told her children that she is dead. When she was about 18 her mom went off the deep end and actually said that she was tired of pretending and she was just going to be crazy from now on. She's not one of those a little off crazy people either. She is actually crazy and has no regard for her children or the people around her. My friend has gone to college, got her degree, got married and had 3 beautiful children all without her mother. So yes, it is very possible to do it without your mother. I think one thing that has helped her is having a very supportive MIL and sister. Sometimes family is who you make it and not who you are born with. I wish you the best of luck and know that we are always here for you too.

cattuccino · November 2015

You definitely do not need your mom when she's not acting like a mom.

And guilt or fear is not a reason to cast your feelings aside and to have a toxic relationship in your life.

You're already being an amazing mom by recognizing it isn't healthy for you and your baby and family.

Keep looking out for yourself

candicek15 · November 2015

I don't have a similar experience, but I'm sure that many people have raised children without the help of their mothers whether by choice or not. I think that support is support, so as long as you have it somewhere you'll be fine! It sounds like in the conversation you had with your mother you exhibited your strength and independence, and stood up for what you believe in (yourself!). That is the kind of thing that will make you a good mom and be a good example to your child.

TheHauntedHauswife · November 2015

adiaz132003 - Yeah im not sure I have ever called for her and i dont think i am about to start now. So i completely understand where you are at with that!

wbwells I agree that letters are great, Ive written many that havent sent!. Good luck with everything!

TheHauntedHauswife · November 2015

fishwife799 Its interesting cause thats how its always been with my one grandmother. I havent known her since i was a very very little kid by her own choice. Kind of interesting that history is sort of repeating itself. Even though that was my dads mom. hes a huge part of the issues going on as well. Definitely a big believer on family being who you make it!

cattuccino No She/They arent. They are being selfish and its pretty sick. I will not have a toxic relationship and thats why i will not let go of this. I tried twice before i got pregnant to give her a chance and both of those times within a few days she lost her mind again. Shes is not showing up at my house screaming when i have a newborn. its simply not happening! Thanks!! Also your icon made me really want Starbucks, oh pregnancy cravings.

TheHauntedHauswife · November 2015

candicek15 That is definitely what i needed to do. I spent a lot of years being myself elsewhere and just watching what i said to her, even if that meant borderline lying about my feelings. But never truly believed any of it. Essentially i did tryand tell her the way she was isnt going to fly anymore, and she completely freaked out and basically started with her just blaming me for hurting her feelings for telling her how i felt (essentially implying i had no right to tell her the truth..??) Which is pure insanity. Its just envolved from there to more of the same insanity. Honestly what you said here is the biggest part of this. I cannot let my child see me react that way to my mom. I want my child to know they can be their true self with me alwys and not need to put on an act for fear of hurting my feelings. I spent my whole childhood never being able to talk to my parents and being scared into being a good kid. My parents taught me a lot of what i never want to do to my own kids, so i can only be grateful that its become so clear and obvious.

hockeyfan42 · November 2015

You can absolutely do it without your mom. My mother and I have been estranged for years and do not speak, let alone have a relationship. She's never met DD and I never needed her when I was pregnant or after DD was born. We also lived 8+ hrs from other family and it was no big deal.

It sounds like you have a great support system! In addition to being strong.

You'll be fine, just stick to what you think is best for you and your LO.

crdo · November 2015

No personal experience here, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds pike you have a good support system from you SO and other family members when you need it, so YES you can do this without your mom. Hang in there! Just remember their choices and their behavior isn't your responsibility.

Lilwatz · November 2015

Not to be a debbie downer, but my mom passed when we were TTC with DD. So, yes, you can absolutely do it without your mom. It was a different kind of hard for me, but I did it. And you are mourning the loss in a way as well. In my case, my older sister has really stepped in to do for me what my mom did for her. I hope that you have support of that type if not from her. Sorry you are going through this.

mepxw7 · November 2015

You can definitely do this without her! I am estranged from my mom, and I think it's better for me, my husband, my toddler and this new baby. You don't need the negative energy that comes from a toxic relationship and you've got to think about your babe now. I didn't like my toddler seeing the way I felt and acted whenever my mom was around. It wasn't a good example to set for her and I think moving on from that was the healthiest and smartest thing I could have done. Do what feels right for you!

Lyette1206 · November 2015

I think what people mean (and are saying poorly) is that nothing makes you realized you need to lean on people like having a baby. But it doesn't have to be "your mom". It sounds like you and your SO have supportive people in your life who can step up and help you adjust to parenthood. Having someone who isn't supportive, who is critical, and increases your stress and anxiety, is the opposite of what you need.

heyyitsmac · November 2015

As someone in a similar situation I will first and foremost say not to listen to the people around you that are telling you that you need your mom. I cut my mom off in 2009 because she was draining. She drained me in every imaginable way. For the first year, EVERYBODY would tell me to call her and make amends. To this day I don't regret not reaching out. I have lost a lot of family members over it. But my life is so full of love and happiness that it really doesn't bother me. I have my dad in my life and my step-mom who are both amazing support systems in my life. I have a man that loves me and I have amazing friends. It's not about blood relationships. Surround yourself with people that love you and only want to see you flourish. It's rough when what you think is ideal isn't your reality but that doesn't mean that your reality can't still be beautiful. Be able to show your baby healthy happy relationships and I'm sure you won't feel like anything is missing in the long run.

Lots of great advice and support from the other ladies on this board. Just wanted to you guys you're awesome.

Good luck and well wishes to you and your family.

Linsbins · November 2015

I don't have much to say but you sound like you'll be fine. Many women have done it and you can too. When I hear about all the problems some people have with their moms, often I think it would be better if those moms weren't involved. Good for you for standing up for yourself and not inviting a toxic situation near your baby. Your close friends are that much luckier to be around your LO.

ceu · November 2015

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time with your parents right now. It sounds like some space might be really useful to both parties. I just want to give you a little of what is going on with me, maybe it could help you in the future? It certainly (I hope) can't hurt. My mom and I had a very tumultuous relationship while I was growing up, and through my early adulthood. We didn't speak for nearly four years (16-20). She was a mess, I was resentful, and making a bad situation worse in hindsight. Fast forward 20 years, my mom have made time to repair our relationship, and though we are across the country from one another I am so glad we out the effort in to communicating, and funding mutual love and respect for one another. At 5w5d, I found out my mom has extremely advanced cancer. I can't imagine not being able to call my mom for a pep talk, or having my baby without her there to celebrate. She has been a great supporter of mine for the last 10 or so years, and it's hard to hear her go through so much pain. I'm going into my first ultrasound alone today, but my mom asked to be on speakerphone. I hope you and your parents can find moments to repair, to honor each other, to spend time apart, and to come back together again. Stress is so hard on a pregnancy. I'm not encouraging you to do this hard work now, but sometimes you have limited time, and didn't even know it. Heart felt best wishes to you.

TheHauntedHauswife · November 2015

Thank you so much for all of the support ladies! im really glad i posted this thread and im really finding the june group to be just wonderful!

mepxw7 That is really it. I just cannot foresee myself being able to live with my child and my mother in the same equation. I would pretty much be telling my mother off left and right and im sure in just a few days we would be back exactly where we are now.

heyyitsmac Im sure you know, its so hard not to be influence by the people you really care about. i dont want my husband or my aunt to be upset at me, but ultimately i dont think this is healthy for pregnant me, or the baby after its here. I guess its just a really really big decision finally call it quits for good and realize i am going to lose a lot of my family who simply doesn't care to understand. Its very sickening to me that everyone just wants me to fix it. Its like people do not even hear how much i have been hurting at the expense of my parents for all of my life that i can remember. I am so tired of this grandiose idea that people have that all should be forgiven because people are blood. Blood related doesnt make you not an asshole....

I think the huge thing is here, My mom supposedly wants things to be better. My dad seems to want me to just kiss his ass and beg for forgiveness but thats not happening. Hes been lying to my husband about what my mother wants, and even though my mother has texted my husband things implying otherwise, She refuses to actually stand up for herself to my dad. If she would stand up for herself to my dad, and prove that she really wanted to fix this, maybe we would have a chance her. But she continues to mostly hide behind him and just gently express her true feelings privately. I am never going to apologize again (i already have 3 times in attempts to end this, months ago, and still have gotten 0 in return.) I am never going to admit fault for anything i didnt do. I am never going to let my dad who is being more wrong than hes ever been in his life, get what he wants and think hes allowed to act this way. So until the two of them figure their shit out, i will be over here enjoying my pregnancy, and newborn.

BlackAndGold09 · November 2015

Since 2009 my mom and bio dad, and step dad for that matter have only been in our lives for maybe a year or two. I've got a big long story to go with it but that's neither here nor there. Dh family is hit or miss. There are times I break down and cry that they aren't around and that dd and now new baby will miss out on their grandparents, but in the long run, they have family around that love them even when others aren't there. My mom and dad are very manipulative and I'd rather them not have to go through that. Feel free to pm me, I've been there. It's hard but you will get through it.

herbie0220 · November 2015

You can totally do this!!! My biological mother was a POS and hasn't been around since I was a toddler. My dad then remarried and that woman legally adopted me. I was the red headed step child and we have a very superficial relationship now, especially since she's developed a major drinking problem. I have no intentions of having my mother around, knowing that the rest of my support system will more than make up for her absence. I'd rather be at peace with that decision than stress about including her, when maybe that's not really the best thing for me and baby. Go with your gut, and have conviction in your decisions. You'll feel stronger, too, for making these big decisions for the betterment of your family.

cattlebride · November 2015

I probably read this wrong because you sound so much like my sister lol you aren't from Massachusetts are you

? Family is big during pregnancy and childrearing. I personally can't imagine not having family. That being said it sounds like if you personally don't feel that need, i doubt you do need her for support especially if she hasn't been supportive of you in the past.

TheHauntedHauswife · November 2015

cattlebride lol! close, New Jersey.

peregrinefalconx · November 2015

Some people's parents have undiagnosed mental illnesses, like -borderline personality disorder with a partner that cowtows to them, taking on similar traits. I'm not saying your mom has these issues per se. I obviously don't know you or them. Your allegiance will always be to your husband and child and to protect them in every way. It sounds like having mom around is not in your best interest and your concerns and how you plan to deal with it are the logical response.

I think you just need the support of those who are good to you, on your decisions. So I would say to pick a statement that covers how you feel, like "thanks for your concerns. our relationship is not healthy and I need to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. i hope that we can have a better relationship in the future, but for now, that's not possible." then shut it down. No need to be apologetic or explain further. Hopefully these people can understand.

If you really, really care, you could try some sort of family counseling. Your gut is your best friend and yes, you can most certainly (do better?!) without that noise! GL!

arosemong · November 2015

Hi! FTM here!

I somewhat feel your pain & sympathize with you whole heartedly.. But am confident you'll be an amazing mom--since you're already making decisions for the best of you & baby. My mother is very toxic too. She is best in small dosages & kept at arms distance away. She has a lot of personal issues that she too will never admit fault to.

I have a sister who just left my life a few years back. Cut my husband & I out around her wedding & never spoke to us again. Even at family gatherings. I used to cry about it daily, but had to just move on. It's very awkward & sad & I wish she had a reason behind her actions....
I will not introduce my kids to her so that she doesn't walk out on them like she did to me.

So if I can do it, you can do it! I will pray for you & I know you got this girl. Xo

PressLove · November 2015

I agree with Lyette1206, "mom" is a euphemism for support system. Estranged is a nice way to describe my relationship with my mom. However, my support system helped me with everything I needed and more.

There are times that it would be nice to hear about when I was a baby. My father is deceased, so he can't fill in the blanks. Other family members tell me about isolated events.

Some people are much better grandparents than they are as parents. Hopefully, your relationship with parents will improve once the baby arrives.

TheHauntedHauswife · November 2015

peregrinefalconx said:

So I would say to pick a statement that covers how you feel, like "thanks for your concerns. our relationship is not healthy and I need to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. i hope that we can have a better relationship in the future, but for now, that's not possible." then shut it down. No need to be apologetic or explain further. Hopefully these people can understand.

This is actually really great advice, to have a sort of go to phrase to always say!

As far as the other things you said, I cant say for sure but i think its likely very possible.

umhassoon · November 2015

I went through being estranged from both my mom and my sister....it went on for about 1 or 2 years....i live abroad so it's not like they were going to be around for pregnancies births etc. but after having the baby everything changed. Now she and my sister are my biggest supports and I talk with them every week without fail. But it took both sides to make it work. I apologized for any hurtful things i did or said and they both agreed to respect my life decisions rather than try to force things on me like before. But seriously once they saw and held the baby our relationship has never been better! This said, I really hope u guys can work things out! There is always hope!

TheHauntedHauswife · November 2015

umhassoon That sounds like a great outcome and i think it would be an okay outcome. But as you said, it takes both sides.

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