MIL Rant... Am I being unreasonable?

sokomo · November 2015

My husband and I have been together for six years and before baby was born I had basically no relationship with my MIL and saw her maybe 4 times a year. She is really crazy and always had a drinking problem, and I also believe she abuses prescription pills. Every time I interact with her she seems like she's high or drunk and it's impossible to have a conversation with her. Well since the baby was born 7 weeks ago, she has suddenly wanted to be a huge part of our lives, coming to visit once or twice a week. The visits don't last long - usually only about an hour, but she just irritates the crap out of me. Every time she comes over she bursts into tears when she sees the baby (she's really emotionally unstable) and then takes a million pictures.

To make matters more complicated, she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer (stage 3), and has "stopped drinking" (so she says). But she's still bat shit crazy and now she's got an excuse to be on painkillers b/c of the cancer. DH doesn't seem to think it's a problem that she comes over so much, even though I've hinted to him that I think it's excessive. I asked him yesterday "so I guess I just need to resign myself to the fact that she's coming to visit weekly now?" And he said "yeah, I guess."

UGHHH. It's just so annoying. So my question is - How often would you let your inlaw(s) come visit if you really didn't like them or want them around? Am I unreasonable for wanting to stop these weekly visits with my MIL? Should I push back with my husband and create conflict to get my MIL to go away? I'm willing to accept that I might be acting irrationally, but would really appreciate some objective input

eah325 · November 2015

Mine come once a week- and I have two sets (FIL and Step-MIL and MIL), so it's two different visits. It can be annoying but I'm glad they want to be in our daughter's life. As for your situation, I personally would suck it up for your husband's sake. If his mom has stage 3 cancer, who knows how long she'll be around? You don't want to be the reason they had a falling out.

emmekaye · November 2015

I'm there with you. MIL is overly emotional and I guess best described as irresponsible. It's frustrating and annoying and sometimes downright tiring. I would like to know the answer because I have tried talking DH about her and he gets mad at me for trying. It brings a lot of tension to our relationship.

That said, if your MIL has cancer maybe it's best to let things be and deal with it with compassion. I know it's hard, but maybe you can figure out a way that the visits are more bearable?

I think the issue with my MIL is the unplanned/unorganized chaos she brings when she visits. If you know your MIL comes once a week, maybe you can get her to come on a consistent day and time and the visit time can have something where she can bond with you daughter and you can relax, or DH, baby and MIL can be together and you can just take some you time.

kate913 · November 2015

.

lillaura4unme · November 2015

Honestly an hour a week doesn't sound that bad. I agree that a little patience and compassion would go a long way especially because she is sick and emotionally unstable. I can't imagine how your DH feels. My MIL is annoying too but I can deal with her every other weekend and even send daily pics of baby. It only takes me a minute each day and keeps everyone happy. She has very strong opinions but I politely disagree and just let her take her millions of pics and videos while I read the newspaper, pump, take a shower etc. during her visits.

tlc11934 · November 2015

@sokomo I would set aside your differences during this time. At other posters mentioned, who knows if she'll survive her illness. Her diagnosis may be making her more appreciative and more emotional. Regardless of her personality, she's still YH's mom and your LO's grandma. Maybe you can use the hour visit time to run errands and YH can entertain her while she cries and takes photos. That way you don't have to deal with her but she still gets her time with your LO.

sokomo · November 2015

Of course you're all correct that I should try and be more compassionate. I think @kiekaschu hit the nail on the head about why this whole thing bugs me so much. My MIL couldn't even be bothered to come to my baby shower that's how uninterested she was. Now suddenly she has all the time in the world to be around. Also, the last time she was here she slipped and referred to herself as "mom" to the baby... She really just rubs me the wrong way, lol.

But yeah, I agree that I need to be a grown up and deal with it. I appreciate you all taking the time to weigh in.

PregNancyClark · November 2015

@sokomo you rock. It's a hard situation but you're ready and willing to be the bigger person and just show love and suck it up. Way to go, mama. Proud of you. I finally learned that but it took me waaaay longer than six years.

sokomo · November 2015

Thank you for your words of encouragement, @PregNancyClark xo

mamadeez · November 2015

My mom comes over almost every day and constantly takes pictures or has full blown photoshoots with props. She also takes my puppy on hikes. My SO doesn't mind because of that little exchange. Maybe having a MIL "chore" will make it easier to deal with?

I see my MIL FIL and BIL once or twice a week for dinner. They usually take us out and buy us a meal from white spot or something. It's nice to get out and the amount of time is controlled so that could be a nice idea too.

melco19 · November 2015

Was she recently diagnosed? Maybe it really hit her that life can be so short, and she is trying to be there more for you guys and your family? That would likely make me more emotional and wanting to be with family (especially grandchildren).
Also my dad has made numerous slip ups by calling himself 'dad', but always corrects himself. After 30+ years of referring to yourself as mom or dad, it is understandable that it will accidently come out. It definitely bugs me too so I get it, but it could be an honest mistake

sokomo · November 2015

@melco19: she was diagnosed a few months ago, before the baby was born (and before my baby shower, which she decided wasn't important enough to attend). It doesn't appear to me that the diagnosis has changed her at all, except for the fact that she's suddenly around more, but I think that has more to do with the baby than the cancer. It's just really unfortunate that she had no interest in either me or my husband until we had a baby. It kind of makes me feel used and resentful.

@leonadeez: those are nice suggestions. My MIL is really not helpful at all. She wanted to go grocery shopping for us two weeks after the baby was born, which was really nice but I gave her a shopping list and she didn't even get anything on the list and came back with a bunch of other stuff that we didn't want/need. As a result, I feel like I can't really rely on her to help

sokomo · November 2015

I think the best thing I can do is just try to keep busy while she's here. Tonight, I plan on taking a shower when she comes over. A nice, long shower. She can hang out with her son and granddaughter but there's no need for me to be around. ;;)

eah325 · November 2015

sokomo said:
I think the best thing I can do is just try to keep busy while she's here. Tonight, I plan on taking a shower when she comes over. A nice, long shower. She can hang out with her son and granddaughter but there's no need for me to be around. ;;)

Sounds like a great plan! I do things when my in-laws visit sometimes. They're not there for me, so it works out! Good luck with everything!

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