Your baby on social media

katec4vt · October 2015

I have social media for myself (Facebook and Instagram) so my husband, who is adamantly opposed to social media as a whole, was surprised when I told him I didn't want pictures of our daughter ending up on the world wide web.

I feel that I have a choice over what I post on social media about myself. My daughter [whose resume will probably be her Facebook page, by the time she is trying to get a full-time job] won't. Is it really fair for me to post pictures of her in the tub that can never really be deleted? For that matter, how can I be so sure who is looking at those pictures? Sure, there are privacy settings, but that's not going to stop a pedophile from getting a hold of a picture of my daughter swinging at the park that was intended to be purely innocent.

Who else has wanted to prevent their child's pictures from getting on social media and how did you do it? Even if you limit the photos you send relatives to hard copies, someone can easily take a picture with their phone and send it to someone else.

How do you TACTFULLY tell relatives you don't want the pictures posted? We asked for there to be no ultrasound photos shared, but my MIL still posted one to Facebook, so I refused to send her any more. I feel like my husband and I are consistently telling her to please not post anything on social media, even if it's not a picture; because the one time we don't, she thinks it's okay to go ahead.

mcklough · October 2015

I'd think you would probably need to delete your Facebook and ask people to not take pictures with their own phones to avoid it. Like to show them how serious you are?

Not sure. I'm pretty much the exact opposite!

acuteangles · October 2015

katec4vt said:

I have social media for myself (Facebook and Instagram) so my husband, who is adamantly opposed to social media as a whole, was surprised when I told him I didn't want pictures of our daughter ending up on the world wide web.

I feel that I have a choice over what I post on social media about myself. My daughter [whose resume will probably be her Facebook page, by the time she is trying to get a full-time job] won't. Is it really fair for me to post pictures of her in the tub that can never really be deleted? For that matter, how can I be so sure who is looking at those pictures? Sure, there are privacy settings, but that's not going to stop a pedophile from getting a hold of a picture of my daughter swinging at the park that was intended to be purely innocent.

Who else has wanted to prevent their child's pictures from getting on social media and how did you do it? Even if you limit the photos you send relatives to hard copies, someone can easily take a picture with their phone and send it to someone else.

How do you TACTFULLY tell relatives you don't want the pictures posted? We asked for there to be no ultrasound photos shared, but my MIL still posted one to Facebook, so I refused to send her any more. I feel like my husband and I are consistently telling her to please not post anything on social media, even if it's not a picture; because the one time we don't, she thinks it's okay to go ahead.

I'm a first time mom, but I'd like to at least limit images of my child online, although I have no illusions that I'll have a ton of control over it one way or the other. I think if you are struggling with this issue before your baby is even born, you will have even more trouble down the line. I respect your decision to withhold images of your child from the internet, but I think it is only practical to accept that most likely, pictures will get out there whether you like it or not. The best thing you can do would be to candidly have this conversation with your friends and relatives, and explain to them your concerns and why this is so important to you, just like you have done here. I've read that pedophiles are more likely to abuse photos of children that don't have adults in them, so you may want to make sure you or another adult is with your child when pictures are taken. And keep in mind that most pictures taken and shared of children on Facebook are not of them naked in tubs. Most pictures wouldn't damage a child's future whatsoever (nor would their baby pictures really be identifiable to people who know them as adults).

Your MIL is excited and this excitement will most likely increase when the baby is born. How has she reacted to you withholding subsequent ultrasound pics? Have you had a conversation with her about why you aren't sharing them with her?

satuttle1014 · October 2015

Maybe only send photos to relatives that you don't mind ending up on social media if they post them. Your parents and siblings are most likely to post the most pictures. I sometimes post some photos of my nieces as a repost. Between my sister, mom and I we send photos of my nieces in the bath because they do cute things, I would never post online. I would hope people have common sense. You can't really stop them from posting nothing but maybe just limit which photos they may get. I don't get every photo my sister takes, it's up to you and your DH how you want to distribute photos.

katec4vt · October 2015

acuteangles said:

katec4vt said:

I have social media for myself (Facebook and Instagram) so my husband, who is adamantly opposed to social media as a whole, was surprised when I told him I didn't want pictures of our daughter ending up on the world wide web.

I feel that I have a choice over what I post on social media about myself. My daughter [whose resume will probably be her Facebook page, by the time she is trying to get a full-time job] won't. Is it really fair for me to post pictures of her in the tub that can never really be deleted? For that matter, how can I be so sure who is looking at those pictures? Sure, there are privacy settings, but that's not going to stop a pedophile from getting a hold of a picture of my daughter swinging at the park that was intended to be purely innocent.

Who else has wanted to prevent their child's pictures from getting on social media and how did you do it? Even if you limit the photos you send relatives to hard copies, someone can easily take a picture with their phone and send it to someone else.

How do you TACTFULLY tell relatives you don't want the pictures posted? We asked for there to be no ultrasound photos shared, but my MIL still posted one to Facebook, so I refused to send her any more. I feel like my husband and I are consistently telling her to please not post anything on social media, even if it's not a picture; because the one time we don't, she thinks it's okay to go ahead.

I'm a first time mom, but I'd like to at least limit images of my child online, although I have no illusions that I'll have a ton of control over it one way or the other. I think if you are struggling with this issue before your baby is even born, you will have even more trouble down the line. I respect your decision to withhold images of your child from the internet, but I think it is only practical to accept that most likely, pictures will get out there whether you like it or not. The best thing you can do would be to candidly have this conversation with your friends and relatives, and explain to them your concerns and why this is so important to you, just like you have done here. I've read that pedophiles are more likely to abuse photos of children that don't have adults in them, so you may want to make sure you or another adult is with your child when pictures are taken. And keep in mind that most pictures taken and shared of children on Facebook are not of them naked in tubs. Most pictures wouldn't damage a child's future whatsoever (nor would their baby pictures really be identifiable to people who know them as adults).

Your MIL is excited and this excitement will most likely increase when the baby is born. How has she reacted to you withholding subsequent ultrasound pics? Have you had a conversation with her about why you aren't sharing them with her?

I absolutely agree that most photos of children on Facebook are not of them naked in tubs, but I figured I would get at least one comment about that because I used it as an example. That's why I also included my daughter on a swing in a park. I know most won't be damaging to them in the future, but our generation didn't have to worry about that - our children's generation will. What if my daughter is like her father and doesn't want to be on social media at all? When Facebook was created, I was a freshman in college and it was only available to individuals with a .edu email address. Over time, it turned into something else. But at that point, I was old enough to decide for myself if I wanted to be a member of a social media site. The decision wasn't made for me.

In regards to it being only practical to assume that the pictures will get there whether I like it or not, I don't agree. Plenty of people manage to do this. I would just prefer to find a nice way to talk about it, rather than demanding it not be done.

Of course I understand that my MIL is excited; however, this is a consistent theme with her. We ask our parents to respect our wishes - my mother, my father, and my FIL all respect them and she doesn't. I've had to learn how to deal with her in a different manner than I would my mother, for example (who I can just honestly and openly talk to).

There are cases though, like withholding the other ultrasound pictures, where I've had to simply decide that it's better to withhold from everyone than to deal with it being "unfair" that she's the only one who doesn't get them, because she won't do as we ask. My husband and I have already agreed this will extend to childcare, as well. While I know my mother may not agree with some of the parenting decisions my husband and I make, she will respect them. Unfortunately, I can't allow her to care for my daughter on a regular basis and my MIL not be allowed to, so neither of them will. Fortunately, in that regard, we're able to use the excuse that all of our parents still work full-time, so none of them would actually work as a full-time child care provider [and the excuse covers up the real issue that can't be addressed without "attacking" someone].

katec4vt · October 2015

mcklough said:

I'd think you would probably need to delete your Facebook and ask people to not take pictures with their own phones to avoid it. Like to show them how serious you are? Not sure. I'm pretty much the exact opposite!

I've considered doing this; however, my concern then is that people would be posting pictures and I wouldn't be able to see them to know.

I agree with asking them not to take pictures with their own phones as a means of avoiding it. I just think before it even gets to that point that my husband and I should try to have a conversation with our immediate family about this. Unfortunately, as I said in another comment, my parents and his dad all tend to respect our decisions, while his mom is usually a tougher sell.

katec4vt · October 2015

satuttle1014 said:

Maybe only send photos to relatives that you don't mind ending up on social media if they post them. Your parents and siblings are most likely to post the most pictures. I sometimes post some photos of my nieces as a repost. Between my sister, mom and I we send photos of my nieces in the bath because they do cute things, I would never post online. I would hope people have common sense. You can't really stop them from posting nothing but maybe just limit which photos they may get. I don't get every photo my sister takes, it's up to you and your DH how you want to distribute photos.

I really should've avoided using the tub photo as an example, because it wasn't really my point.

In general, we don't want any photos shared online. I'd prefer it if people just get hard copies they can stick on their refrigerators or put in frames in their homes. I know, even then, someone could take a picture of the photo and post it - but I'm hoping if we've avoided putting any photos on social media and we've asked the people we feel comfortable giving those photos to not to post them either, that they won't get posted.

I really was hoping to hear a good idea for how to approach this subject with people, but judging by the responses I've gotten I'm guessing my husband and I are in the minority with how we feel.

slthomp92 · October 2015

I don't really have anything to contribute, but have a case that reflects why I'll be judicial about what pictures we post.

My step son's mother posted a picture on FB this weekend. She had gone to see her brother, imprisoned for years for attempted murder, handed her 2 month old child to this man, and took a picture. She then posted it on Facebook. So at 2 months old, he's already having his family's issues documented and advertised. It's just appalling that someone would do that to their child's image. It makes a statement about their values and frankly, their social class. It'll follow him.

Ugh. Rant over.

acuteangles · October 2015

katec4vt said:

I have social media for myself (Facebook and Instagram) so my husband, who is adamantly opposed to social media as a whole, was surprised when I told him I didn't want pictures of our daughter ending up on the world wide web.

I feel that I have a choice over what I post on social media about myself. My daughter [whose resume will probably be her Facebook page, by the time she is trying to get a full-time job] won't. Is it really fair for me to post pictures of her in the tub that can never really be deleted? For that matter, how can I be so sure who is looking at those pictures? Sure, there are privacy settings, but that's not going to stop a pedophile from getting a hold of a picture of my daughter swinging at the park that was intended to be purely innocent.

Who else has wanted to prevent their child's pictures from getting on social media and how did you do it? Even if you limit the photos you send relatives to hard copies, someone can easily take a picture with their phone and send it to someone else.

How do you TACTFULLY tell relatives you don't want the pictures posted? We asked for there to be no ultrasound photos shared, but my MIL still posted one to Facebook, so I refused to send her any more. I feel like my husband and I are consistently telling her to please not post anything on social media, even if it's not a picture; because the one time we don't, she thinks it's okay to go ahead.

I'm a first time mom, but I'd like to at least limit images of my child online, although I have no illusions that I'll have a ton of control over it one way or the other. I think if you are struggling with this issue before your baby is even born, you will have even more trouble down the line. I respect your decision to withhold images of your child from the internet, but I think it is only practical to accept that most likely, pictures will get out there whether you like it or not. The best thing you can do would be to candidly have this conversation with your friends and relatives, and explain to them your concerns and why this is so important to you, just like you have done here. I've read that pedophiles are more likely to abuse photos of children that don't have adults in them, so you may want to make sure you or another adult is with your child when pictures are taken. And keep in mind that most pictures taken and shared of children on Facebook are not of them naked in tubs. Most pictures wouldn't damage a child's future whatsoever (nor would their baby pictures really be identifiable to people who know them as adults).

Your MIL is excited and this excitement will most likely increase when the baby is born. How has she reacted to you withholding subsequent ultrasound pics? Have you had a conversation with her about why you aren't sharing them with her?

I absolutely agree that most photos of children on Facebook are not of them naked in tubs, but I figured I would get at least one comment about that because I used it as an example. That's why I also included my daughter on a swing in a park. I know most won't be damaging to them in the future, but our generation didn't have to worry about that - our children's generation will. What if my daughter is like her father and doesn't want to be on social media at all? When Facebook was created, I was a freshman in college and it was only available to individuals with a .edu email address. Over time, it turned into something else. But at that point, I was old enough to decide for myself if I wanted to be a member of a social media site. The decision wasn't made for me.

In regards to it being only practical to assume that the pictures will get there whether I like it or not, I don't agree. Plenty of people manage to do this. I would just prefer to find a nice way to talk about it, rather than demanding it not be done.

Of course I understand that my MIL is excited; however, this is a consistent theme with her. We ask our parents to respect our wishes - my mother, my father, and my FIL all respect them and she doesn't. I've had to learn how to deal with her in a different manner than I would my mother, for example (who I can just honestly and openly talk to).

There are cases though, like withholding the other ultrasound pictures, where I've had to simply decide that it's better to withhold from everyone than to deal with it being "unfair" that she's the only one who doesn't get them, because she won't do as we ask. My husband and I have already agreed this will extend to childcare, as well. While I know my mother may not agree with some of the parenting decisions my husband and I make, she will respect them. Unfortunately, I can't allow her to care for my daughter on a regular basis and my MIL not be allowed to, so neither of them will. Fortunately, in that regard, we're able to use the excuse that all of our parents still work full-time, so none of them would actually work as a full-time child care provider [and the excuse covers up the real issue that can't be addressed without "attacking" someone].

I agree that things have changed since we were kids, and not everyone is interested in having social media accounts, and that your child may fall under that category. I also think it's really thoughtful that you want to protect your child from any repercussions of posting images. I am just not so sure it is realistic to think it will never ever happen. Your child's image will be captured with other children at the park, playground, social functions, in school pictures, etc. and whoever took the picture will ultimately be the one deciding if they want to publish it online. You may never even be aware it happened.

I think that regardless of how you think your MIL will react, you should be forthcoming with her. The reasons for wanting to keep your child's images off the internet as described in your original post did not sound harsh or confrontational. Make it known to your MIL that the best way for her to be a regular participant in your child's life is to follow the guidelines you've set forth regarding your child's privacy. It's your child and your decision to make. It sounds like she is the main concern for social media image sharing. Since she has already disregarded your wishes once, it would be a good idea to bring this up as well. You can do so tactfully by just letting her know that you're concerned your wishes aren't being taken seriously, and while you share her excitement, this is important to you and you feel it is in the best interest of your child. If you are able to, I would speak to her in person so your tone and words aren't misconstrued, and she doesn't feel "attacked". Just be open and honest, and make it known that you are discussing these rules with her because she is someone you want to participate in your child's life, so getting on the same page is essential.

malaki1418 · October 2015

I'm in the no photos on Facebook/Instagram bandwagon too. If family and friends want to know how our LO is doing, or progressing or what cute things he/she is doing, they can call or visit and ask. I feel like social media has created laziness in staying connected. I do not forsee issues with family obliging. Mostly because my sister paved the way with my niece and nephew. I know she has had a few unpleasant conversations with aunts and inlaws about not posting, but after a while people have come to respect her decision. If you feel strongly about it, stick to your guns. I do anticipate that I will have some work to do with coworkers (a couple of them are facebook addicts!) and I know my kid will be spending some time in the office with me in the first year. But, I also suspect that even if they don't agree with my choice...they will at least respect me and my family's decision.

One tactic my sister has used is starting a private photo stream for family to get their "baby picture fix." She set it up with the guidelines that these are private and not to be shared outside of the stream. It's been 2 years and so far no leaks!

Our parenting choices will just continue to be judged or challenged as the years go by...and all we can do is trust our gut and do what we feel is best for our families! Good luck and stay strong

katec4vt · October 2015

slthomp92 said:

I don't really have anything to contribute, but have a case that reflects why I'll be judicial about what pictures we post. My step son's mother posted a picture on FB this weekend. She had gone to see her brother, imprisoned for years for attempted murder, handed her 2 month old child to this man, and took a picture. She then posted it on Facebook. So at 2 months old, he's already having his family's issues documented and advertised. It's just appalling that someone would do that to their child's image. It makes a statement about their values and frankly, their social class. It'll follow him. Ugh. Rant over.

I love this because I see it SO frequently - not necessarily a child with a person in prison, but just things that people don't really think about and then they're on the internet forever. This is why my husband and I have conversations like this to begin with!

katec4vt · October 2015

acuteangles said:

katec4vt said:

I have social media for myself (Facebook and Instagram) so my husband, who is adamantly opposed to social media as a whole, was surprised when I told him I didn't want pictures of our daughter ending up on the world wide web.

I feel that I have a choice over what I post on social media about myself. My daughter [whose resume will probably be her Facebook page, by the time she is trying to get a full-time job] won't. Is it really fair for me to post pictures of her in the tub that can never really be deleted? For that matter, how can I be so sure who is looking at those pictures? Sure, there are privacy settings, but that's not going to stop a pedophile from getting a hold of a picture of my daughter swinging at the park that was intended to be purely innocent.

Who else has wanted to prevent their child's pictures from getting on social media and how did you do it? Even if you limit the photos you send relatives to hard copies, someone can easily take a picture with their phone and send it to someone else.

How do you TACTFULLY tell relatives you don't want the pictures posted? We asked for there to be no ultrasound photos shared, but my MIL still posted one to Facebook, so I refused to send her any more. I feel like my husband and I are consistently telling her to please not post anything on social media, even if it's not a picture; because the one time we don't, she thinks it's okay to go ahead.

I'm a first time mom, but I'd like to at least limit images of my child online, although I have no illusions that I'll have a ton of control over it one way or the other. I think if you are struggling with this issue before your baby is even born, you will have even more trouble down the line. I respect your decision to withhold images of your child from the internet, but I think it is only practical to accept that most likely, pictures will get out there whether you like it or not. The best thing you can do would be to candidly have this conversation with your friends and relatives, and explain to them your concerns and why this is so important to you, just like you have done here. I've read that pedophiles are more likely to abuse photos of children that don't have adults in them, so you may want to make sure you or another adult is with your child when pictures are taken. And keep in mind that most pictures taken and shared of children on Facebook are not of them naked in tubs. Most pictures wouldn't damage a child's future whatsoever (nor would their baby pictures really be identifiable to people who know them as adults).

Your MIL is excited and this excitement will most likely increase when the baby is born. How has she reacted to you withholding subsequent ultrasound pics? Have you had a conversation with her about why you aren't sharing them with her?

I absolutely agree that most photos of children on Facebook are not of them naked in tubs, but I figured I would get at least one comment about that because I used it as an example. That's why I also included my daughter on a swing in a park. I know most won't be damaging to them in the future, but our generation didn't have to worry about that - our children's generation will. What if my daughter is like her father and doesn't want to be on social media at all? When Facebook was created, I was a freshman in college and it was only available to individuals with a .edu email address. Over time, it turned into something else. But at that point, I was old enough to decide for myself if I wanted to be a member of a social media site. The decision wasn't made for me.

In regards to it being only practical to assume that the pictures will get there whether I like it or not, I don't agree. Plenty of people manage to do this. I would just prefer to find a nice way to talk about it, rather than demanding it not be done.

Of course I understand that my MIL is excited; however, this is a consistent theme with her. We ask our parents to respect our wishes - my mother, my father, and my FIL all respect them and she doesn't. I've had to learn how to deal with her in a different manner than I would my mother, for example (who I can just honestly and openly talk to).

There are cases though, like withholding the other ultrasound pictures, where I've had to simply decide that it's better to withhold from everyone than to deal with it being "unfair" that she's the only one who doesn't get them, because she won't do as we ask. My husband and I have already agreed this will extend to childcare, as well. While I know my mother may not agree with some of the parenting decisions my husband and I make, she will respect them. Unfortunately, I can't allow her to care for my daughter on a regular basis and my MIL not be allowed to, so neither of them will. Fortunately, in that regard, we're able to use the excuse that all of our parents still work full-time, so none of them would actually work as a full-time child care provider [and the excuse covers up the real issue that can't be addressed without "attacking" someone].

I agree that things have changed since we were kids, and not everyone is interested in having social media accounts, and that your child may fall under that category. I also think it's really thoughtful that you want to protect your child from any repercussions of posting images. I am just not so sure it is realistic to think it will never ever happen. Your child's image will be captured with other children at the park, playground, social functions, in school pictures, etc. and whoever took the picture will ultimately be the one deciding if they want to publish it online. You may never even be aware it happened.

I think that regardless of how you think your MIL will react, you should be forthcoming with her. The reasons for wanting to keep your child's images off the internet as described in your original post did not sound harsh or confrontational. Make it known to your MIL that the best way for her to be a regular participant in your child's life is to follow the guidelines you've set forth regarding your child's privacy. It's your child and your decision to make. It sounds like she is the main concern for social media image sharing. Since she has already disregarded your wishes once, it would be a good idea to bring this up as well. You can do so tactfully by just letting her know that you're concerned your wishes aren't being taken seriously, and while you share her excitement, this is important to you and you feel it is in the best interest of your child. If you are able to, I would speak to her in person so your tone and words aren't misconstrued, and she doesn't feel "attacked". Just be open and honest, and make it known that you are discussing these rules with her because she is someone you want to participate in your child's life, so getting on the same page is essential.

This is actually really helpful, especially where my MIL is concerned!

While I understand it's not realistic to think that our daughter could avoid ending up in the background of a photo from a park, etc., at least where school photos are concerned I do know that some schools in our area have parents sign a waiver allowing them to post images of their child on social media. I actually used to coach cheerleading for a high school here and had to be given a list of the girls on my squad whose parents had not allowed the school to post their child's likeness [if you even had a shot where her profile was featured it could not be posted] at the beginning of each season. Every parent in the school has to choose whether or not to allow this and if another parent posts a photo taken on school grounds with a child whose parents have decided not to allow it in the photo, the administration contacts that parent and asks them to take it down. Typically they don't even explicitly say which child it is, just that someone who is identifiable in the photo does not have a release form on file and the school cannot accept the liability so the photo has to be removed. In my situation, as a coach, I would obviously know who on my squad did not have a signed release, but in the case of going to an individual parent that information wouldn't be shared.

malaki1418 · October 2015

acuteangles said:

katec4vt said:

I have social media for myself (Facebook and Instagram) so my husband, who is adamantly opposed to social media as a whole, was surprised when I told him I didn't want pictures of our daughter ending up on the world wide web.

I feel that I have a choice over what I post on social media about myself. My daughter [whose resume will probably be her Facebook page, by the time she is trying to get a full-time job] won't. Is it really fair for me to post pictures of her in the tub that can never really be deleted? For that matter, how can I be so sure who is looking at those pictures? Sure, there are privacy settings, but that's not going to stop a pedophile from getting a hold of a picture of my daughter swinging at the park that was intended to be purely innocent.

Who else has wanted to prevent their child's pictures from getting on social media and how did you do it? Even if you limit the photos you send relatives to hard copies, someone can easily take a picture with their phone and send it to someone else.

How do you TACTFULLY tell relatives you don't want the pictures posted? We asked for there to be no ultrasound photos shared, but my MIL still posted one to Facebook, so I refused to send her any more. I feel like my husband and I are consistently telling her to please not post anything on social media, even if it's not a picture; because the one time we don't, she thinks it's okay to go ahead.

I'm a first time mom, but I'd like to at least limit images of my child online, although I have no illusions that I'll have a ton of control over it one way or the other. I think if you are struggling with this issue before your baby is even born, you will have even more trouble down the line. I respect your decision to withhold images of your child from the internet, but I think it is only practical to accept that most likely, pictures will get out there whether you like it or not. The best thing you can do would be to candidly have this conversation with your friends and relatives, and explain to them your concerns and why this is so important to you, just like you have done here. I've read that pedophiles are more likely to abuse photos of children that don't have adults in them, so you may want to make sure you or another adult is with your child when pictures are taken. And keep in mind that most pictures taken and shared of children on Facebook are not of them naked in tubs. Most pictures wouldn't damage a child's future whatsoever (nor would their baby pictures really be identifiable to people who know them as adults).

Your MIL is excited and this excitement will most likely increase when the baby is born. How has she reacted to you withholding subsequent ultrasound pics? Have you had a conversation with her about why you aren't sharing them with her?

I absolutely agree that most photos of children on Facebook are not of them naked in tubs, but I figured I would get at least one comment about that because I used it as an example. That's why I also included my daughter on a swing in a park. I know most won't be damaging to them in the future, but our generation didn't have to worry about that - our children's generation will. What if my daughter is like her father and doesn't want to be on social media at all? When Facebook was created, I was a freshman in college and it was only available to individuals with a .edu email address. Over time, it turned into something else. But at that point, I was old enough to decide for myself if I wanted to be a member of a social media site. The decision wasn't made for me.

In regards to it being only practical to assume that the pictures will get there whether I like it or not, I don't agree. Plenty of people manage to do this. I would just prefer to find a nice way to talk about it, rather than demanding it not be done.

Of course I understand that my MIL is excited; however, this is a consistent theme with her. We ask our parents to respect our wishes - my mother, my father, and my FIL all respect them and she doesn't. I've had to learn how to deal with her in a different manner than I would my mother, for example (who I can just honestly and openly talk to).

There are cases though, like withholding the other ultrasound pictures, where I've had to simply decide that it's better to withhold from everyone than to deal with it being "unfair" that she's the only one who doesn't get them, because she won't do as we ask. My husband and I have already agreed this will extend to childcare, as well. While I know my mother may not agree with some of the parenting decisions my husband and I make, she will respect them. Unfortunately, I can't allow her to care for my daughter on a regular basis and my MIL not be allowed to, so neither of them will. Fortunately, in that regard, we're able to use the excuse that all of our parents still work full-time, so none of them would actually work as a full-time child care provider [and the excuse covers up the real issue that can't be addressed without "attacking" someone].

I agree that things have changed since we were kids, and not everyone is interested in having social media accounts, and that your child may fall under that category. I also think it's really thoughtful that you want to protect your child from any repercussions of posting images. I am just not so sure it is realistic to think it will never ever happen. Your child's image will be captured with other children at the park, playground, social functions, in school pictures, etc. and whoever took the picture will ultimately be the one deciding if they want to publish it online. You may never even be aware it happened.

I think that regardless of how you think your MIL will react, you should be forthcoming with her. The reasons for wanting to keep your child's images off the internet as described in your original post did not sound harsh or confrontational. Make it known to your MIL that the best way for her to be a regular participant in your child's life is to follow the guidelines you've set forth regarding your child's privacy. It's your child and your decision to make. It sounds like she is the main concern for social media image sharing. Since she has already disregarded your wishes once, it would be a good idea to bring this up as well. You can do so tactfully by just letting her know that you're concerned your wishes aren't being taken seriously, and while you share her excitement, this is important to you and you feel it is in the best interest of your child. If you are able to, I would speak to her in person so your tone and words aren't misconstrued, and she doesn't feel "attacked". Just be open and honest, and make it known that you are discussing these rules with her because she is someone you want to participate in your child's life, so getting on the same page is essential.

Just wanted to point out that schools and other organizations are legally required to receive permission for posting photos (or using images for promotional or other purposes in the public arena). I work in youth programming and we have to be on top of this...for adults and kids alike actually.

dem068a · October 2015

My MIL and my husband's family in general is very into posting everything in Facebook also (my dad doesn't have an account and my mom has never posted anything on her Facebook), and we are in the no social media camp also. We didn't announce the pregnancy on Facebook (told everyone we wanted to know in person or on the phone, which was actually really fun), and won't be putting baby pics on the Internet.
We don't think that there will never be a pic of our kid on the Internet (group pics, social settings, etc), nor think it is realistic to say that no one can ever post a picture that out child is a part of. But we are going to hold firm on anyone posting pictures of just our child without our permission and explain why we are doing it.
For us it is two fold. There is the safety and security that is always mentioned (and no matter what privacy setting you have, it is important to remember that when you post on the Internet, it is like writing in permanent marker, and you likely don't even own those images anymore). The second reason is that we think some people post every little thing online, and we don't want our children to be self absorbed, or posting every little thing they do, meal they eat, etc to get "likes".
Who knows, this is our first child, so we might change our mind at some point, but we feel pretty strongly about avoiding posting online as much as possible at this point

Zaphina · October 2015

My friend's brother & sister-in-law have a 'no baby photos online' rule, too. Everyone just respects their wishes. Not sure if they ever had an issue with anyone doing it anyways, but it can be done!

My husband and I have family all across the country so we'll most likely post photos occasionally for their benefit, but we have no desire for each and every moment to be documented as such.

My aunt&uncle don't do social media but they were always ok if a photo of my cousins from a family function were shared with family, as long as the girls' names weren't mentioned just in case someone who the photo wasn't intended for managed to see the photo; so they wouldn't know the girls' names.

notasycophant · October 2015

I've always been a sensible social media user. I plan on using the same rules when posting pictures of our child. I have a cousin who refuses to have any pictures of his child on social media. While I do think it's their prerogative as parents , I do not appreciate having to crop his child out of my christmas party pics. He actually threw a fit when he found out my mom had posted a family pic ( his child included) on facebook. My thoughts on the matter were - If you don't want your child on social media take your own damn pictures. Don't ask for him to be included in the pictures and then make a fuss when someone posts it online. Just say no pictures should be taken of your child.That's the only way to ensure your child is protected.

Edit: fixed a sentence.

paytonpedro · October 2015

I'm going to start by admitting that I didn't read most of the comments. That being said op, I am with you 110% on the topic here. As we told everyone about our pregnancy, we told them we DO NOT want it on FB (or other social media, but specifically FB). It will be much easier for everyone to respect my wishes once baby is here (I think!) seeing nothing has ever been posted about him yet. I plan on doing one "welcome to the world" picture, but that is it. I will ORDER that any other pics come down, if someone posts one. I have less than 150 "friends" on my FB, I delete everyone I don't actively communicate with on a regular basis. H on the other hand has close to 700 friends, still not outrageous considering he doesn't delete people. I don't know all of these people and I feel like what is going on in my life is none of their business.
Therefore, other than being very stern about our decision, idk how else I'll enforce my rules. I would never want to keep my child from say my mother or mil, but if they can't respect my privacy or wishes, I will probably threaten it. They will receive tons of pictures via text, so I feel like it's not that much to ask to keep them off the internet.

Achae · October 2015

Generally the only way to see photos of someone is if they are tagged. Did you create and account for your child to tag them? No? There is also no harm in posting a photo of a child on a swing. That's not child porn if that's what you're worried about. if you're so concerned about photos though, you should delete your own social media accounts and make it clear to family you want no photos of your life online at all.

wisco29 · October 2015

mcklough said:
I'd think you would probably need to delete your Facebook and ask people to not take pictures with their own phones to avoid it. Like to show them how serious you are?

Not sure. I'm pretty much the exact opposite!

I was super post happy but now I'm way more careful. I don't post anything as a profile pic or cover photo that is just of dd because they are public! I also have privacy settings set up.

My issue is with my moms sperm Donor who has never been a part of our lives taking my images and posting them on his page. (He isn't a father he's a donor essentially. Drunken old man) anyways so since he was taking my profile images etc I've cracked down which is why I won't post here either. Many of my pics that are of faces and not of her doing some thing I throw my own made up water mark on them...

I say just be carful other people will post pics !!!

smn14 · October 2015

We have a joint photo stream for my niece and that has totally limited what goes online as all photos are available to all family. We will do the same for this little one.

I understand that I will never be able to eliminate the chance of my child's photo ending up on social media but I would like to limit it like OP has said.

So much in our child protection training at work now is based on social media.

The biggest threat mentioned in my last training was actually the family posting every birth detail in excitement - ie full name, DOB, birth place....enough details for identity theft of a newborn.

Aussiechicka · October 2015

My family are all in Australia and NZ and we have albums set up that only certainly people can see and post a few a month for all to see. The day to day photos I want to share we have a Google photos album that is private but shared with siblings and parents on both sides. Then it's on them if they want to look or not. My SIL is a blogger with a decent size following and her photos get stolen all the time for people reusing them, even with a watermark!

satuttle1014 · October 2015

If you send pictures then you can tell family members not to post on social media. I would share photos through text or email and just explain not for them to post it unless they ask maybe? That's all I think you can do if you don't want to completely delete social media platforms.

sheslikeasunburn · October 2015

I guess I'm in the minority here, but I really don't see an issue with having pictures of your children on social media. Pedophilia existed long before the internet. Maybe this should be my UO.

That being said, I have chosen not to post status updates or announcements about my pregnancy. I find them AWish.

katec4vt · October 2015

Achae said:

Generally the only way to see photos of someone is if they are tagged. Did you create and account for your child to tag them? No? There is also no harm in posting a photo of a child on a swing. That's not child porn if that's what you're worried about. if you're so concerned about photos though, you should delete your own social media accounts and make it clear to family you want no photos of your life online at all.

satuttle1014 said:

If you send pictures then you can tell family members not to post on social media. I would share photos through text or email and just explain not for them to post it unless they ask maybe? That's all I think you can do if you don't want to completely delete social media platforms.

Obviously I did not create an account for my unborn child for people to tag her in photos. People could just as easily tag me in photos of her or not tag them at all. Deleting my social media, again, might be a viable option except then I would never know if people are posting photos of her. Of course, in saying that, I'm assuming that people I'm not Facebook friends with would be less likely than those I am friends with to post photos of our daughter.

Also, while you may think that posting a picture of a child on a swing is not child porn [and you are right, it isn't], I don't believe that a child has to be naked for a pedophile to be interested. Obviously, I can't completely prevent a pedophile from ever seeing her, but why would I want to add to the risk?

katec4vt · October 2015

smn14 said:

We have a joint photo stream for my niece and that has totally limited what goes online as all photos are available to all family. We will do the same for this little one. I understand that I will never be able to eliminate the chance of my child's photo ending up on social media but I would like to limit it like OP has said. So much in our child protection training at work now is based on social media. The biggest threat mentioned in my last training was actually the family posting every birth detail in excitement - ie full name, DOB, birth place....enough details for identity theft of a newborn.

This! I feel like enough people don't consider this. I used to work at a gym and had a 17 year old girl come in to join one day who didn't have a bank account open in her name [any longer] because her identity had been stolen - before the age of 17! She couldn't even apply for a credit card then! I really don't think people fully understand just how big a threat social media is these days. Like I said in my original post - Yes, I do have social media accounts, but that was of my own choosing. My unborn daughter doesn't have a choice, so I'll make it for her: That she won't be on social media for as long as I can prevent it.

katec4vt · October 2015

notasycophant said:

I've always been a sensible social media user. I plan on using the same rules when posting pictures of our child. I have a cousin who refuses to have any pictures of his child on social media. While I do think it's their prerogative as parents , I do not appreciate having to crop his child out of my christmas party pics. He actually threw a fit when he found out my mom had posted a family pic ( his child included) on facebook. My thoughts on the matter were - If you don't want your child on social media take your own damn pictures. Don't ask for him to be included in the pictures and then make a fuss when someone posts it online. Just say no pictures should be taken of your child.That's the only way to ensure your child is protected. Edit: fixed a sentence.

Maybe you don't appreciate having to crop his child out of Christmas party pics, but you obviously are aware he doesn't want his child on social media - so why take a picture with his child in it to begin with? Do all of the photos you take at Christmas HAVE to go on social media? Couldn't some just go in a family photo album [not electronic] or be framed and put up in your house?

How is cropping someone's child out of a picture any different than you asking to be cropped out of a picture you don't think you look your best in? Literally EVERY woman has done that at least once in their life.

I do get your point that maybe it makes it a little more difficult to get those pictures uploaded immediately, seeing that you have to crop out a child who might not have even wanted their picture taken [even if Dad did]; but if your family is anything like mine, a lot of the pictures that get taken are candid photos of people opening gifts, etc. - not necessarily ones that people asked to pose for. I know I personally look horrible in the majority of photos like that and probably would like to be cropped out of a lot of them.

katec4vt · October 2015

sheslikeasunburn said:

I guess I'm in the minority here, but I really don't see an issue with having pictures of your children on social media. Pedophilia existed long before the
internet. Maybe this should be my UO.

That being said, I have chosen not to post status updates or announcements about my pregnancy. I find them AWish.

Agree, but how much easier did the internet make it?

sheslikeasunburn · October 2015

@katec4vt There are so many optional things we do in life that carry risks (ie flying, eating sushi). We do them anyway because they bring us joy and ultimately the risk of something really bad happening is low. I choose not to live in fear.

Monkeybutt80 · October 2015

I think this is something that is difficult to do, but probably possible, if you are more diligent than I was. I thought I would share what we did/ didn't do, in case that helps you decide how to go about this.

To clarify, I never really thought it was necessarily "bad" to have pictures online (as long as you use discretion in posting certain pictures), but I just wanted him to be able to decide. But in the end, I think the convenience/ lack of cost of sharing it via social media outweighed my desire for him to decide.

This was something we debated for awhile when I was pregnant with my first. In an ideal world, we wanted him to be able to decide if he wants to be on the internet when he was old enough to decide. So, the picture of him when he was born was emailed to family members and texted to friends instead of posting it on facebook. We then did the paper birth announcements. We set up Google Drive sharing folder and granted access to just the immediate family; my parents, my husband's parents and his brother. We were uploading pictures on to Google doc every month. Even with the newborn shoot, my husband decided to pay extra to not allow our photographer to post the pictures on her website or on facebook (most photographers retain their right to use the pictures for promotion). Then I made a shutterfly book every 3 months and sent it to the inlaws, my parents, and husband's grand parents to avoid any complaints from family members for not having pictures. But all this was getting expensive and time consuming.

Then we had issues of extended family members wanting pictures (like husband and my uncles, cousins, aunts and etc), some didn't have gmail (which is required for google doc sharing). We set up a photo stream on my iphone to share pictures with others, but we have some serious android lovers in our family, so that was limited to some. The next time we did a family photo shoot, we didn't want to pay the extra so we allowed her to post on fb for her business facebook site, but she agreed not to put his name or tag us. We limited as much as we could, but honestly, with secured google doc, no one went and posted pictures on facebook during this time (even though we never specifically forbade them - bc I wasn;t posting them on facebook, I think others felt that it should not be done ).

Eventually we gave up. techinically the pictures are out there, bc once you upload into google doc, technically google owns your content, even though it is private/ password protected. It turns out that facebook is really one of the easiest ways for us to share pictures with others. So I started to post pictures of my child on facebook. But to this day, no one has posted a picture/ shared a pictures of my child except a handful of times (mostly family group pictures); even though I never specifically talked to others about it. I think a huge part of it is that my in laws and my parents, even though they have facebook accounts to be able to see things, they are not active; they just use it to look at pictures but do not comment, like, post or maintain a profile.

Anyway, now I am comfortable with the pictures on social media. chances are that he will probably want to have a social media presence before he's really mature enough to fully comprehend and appreciate the consequences ( did we really know the consequences and comprehend the magnitude when we signed up for facebook in college?), so I no longer feel like I deprived him of his chance to make a fully informed decision about his social media.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, in summary, I think if you just implement a way to share pictures with others and inform the others of your decision not to have anything online, I don't really see why they would disregard your wishes. good luck.

SgtLou2 · October 2015

I have friends and family that felt this way too. However, as their kids are getting to be 5+ years old, it's harder to control what gets on social media because their social circles are growing. For example, we were at a 5th birthday party a couple of weeks ago. A friend took pictures of her daughter hitting the piñata. Not only were there kids in the background that she did not know (and did not know their families), my pregnant belly was in the background (my face included). (She did not tag anyone) She posted these pictures because she wanted to share the photos of her daughter, but she did not think about the fact that my pregnancy was not yet announced on social media. She also does not know if those other children's parents feel the way that you do. With the the fact that everyone has cameras on their phones and the ability to post to social media you will have to assume that your child's picture will end up online at some point... It just may not be linked directly to you or your family. That's the unfortunate reality of it. But controlling it as much as possible is wise, and definitely discuss with your MIL your wishes (we had to ask family members to remember to not post anything about our pregnancies or children until AFTER we did!!)

katec4vt · October 2015

sheslikeasunburn said:

@katec4vt There are so many optional things we do in life that carry risks (ie flying, eating sushi). We do them anyway because they bring us joy and ultimately the risk of something really bad happening is low. I choose not to live in fear.

You can make that choice because you're an adult; just as you can choose to fly or to eat sushi or to walk out your front door every day. A child no more gets a choice in being posted on social media than he or she does in the food you feed it - and I'm guessing no one is promoting feeding their child solely McDonalds or giving them Coca Cola to drink versus breast milk.

katec4vt · October 2015

Ugh, literally just had someone come in my office - whom I've never met before - and try to show me a picture of some child that is somehow related to her (but not hers) on her cell phone. This just reiterates my idea of wanting to just have hard copies of photos that we send only to close friends and relatives. Even if it does cost more - this woman doesn't know me from Adam. Who knows what kind of person I could be?

Achae · October 2015

katec4vt said:

Ugh, literally just had someone come in my office - whom I've never met before - and try to show me a picture of some child that is somehow related to her (but not hers) on her cell phone. This just reiterates my idea of wanting to just have hard copies of photos that we send only to close friends and relatives. Even if it does cost more - this woman doesn't know me from Adam. Who knows what kind of person I could be?

More like who knows what kind of person you could be! The horror.

pbtoast · October 2015

I feel like the argument of things being on the Internet *forever* and how horrifying this can be is kind of irrelevant when it comes to babies. Assuming, of course, you're posting "normal" pictures that aren't explicit. Even if the argument of Facebook being the resume of the future (which I don't buy) holds, I really don't think someone would be excluded from employment for a standard baby photo posted of them on the Internet. I don't know, I guess this is just not a battle that I will choose to pick in my parenting, but certainly respect other people's rights to do so and rights to value privacy differently than I do. My only piece of advice would be to be careful how you frame this to your friends and family who you are asking to get on board with your regulations, because this post is going a bit down the sanctimommy road, and I don't think that will be well-received.

sheslikeasunburn · October 2015

katec4vt said:

sheslikeasunburn said:

@katec4vt There are so many optional things we do in life that carry risks (ie flying, eating sushi). We do them anyway because they bring us joy and ultimately the risk of something really bad happening is low. I choose not to live in fear.

You can make that choice because you're an adult; just as you can choose to fly or to eat sushi or to walk out your front door every day. A child no more gets a choice in being posted on social media than he or she does in the food you feed it - and I'm guessing no one is promoting feeding their child solely McDonalds or giving them Coca Cola to drink versus breast milk.

I don't follow. What does solely feeding babies McDonald's and Coke have to do with posting on social media? Are you saying they are the same thing?

ohbaby714 · October 2015

katec4vt said:
Ugh, literally just had someone come in my office - whom I've never met before - and try to show me a picture of some child that is somehow related to her (but not hers) on her cell phone. This just reiterates my idea of wanting to just have hard copies of photos that we send only to close friends and relatives. Even if it does cost more - this woman doesn't know me from Adam. Who knows what kind of person I could be?

I've had people do that to me with hard copies of photos as well. I've also gave my husband's grandma hard copies of photos that she copied and gave to her brothers, sisters, ect. I'm not saying it's not possible, but I think it is going to be harder than you think to keep photos only in your close family whether it be via social media or family showing hard copies to others. I guess I don't have much advice other than to make it very well known that you do not want the pictures shared or posted on social media.

katec4vt · October 2015

sheslikeasunburn said:

katec4vt said:

sheslikeasunburn said:

@katec4vt There are so many optional things we do in life that carry risks (ie flying, eating sushi). We do them anyway because they bring us joy and ultimately the risk of something really bad happening is low. I choose not to live in fear.

You can make that choice because you're an adult; just as you can choose to fly or to eat sushi or to walk out your front door every day. A child no more gets a choice in being posted on social media than he or she does in the food you feed it - and I'm guessing no one is promoting feeding their child solely McDonalds or giving them Coca Cola to drink versus breast milk.

I don't follow. What does solely feeding babies McDonald's and Coke have to do with posting on social media? Are you saying they are the same thing?

Simply using your logic of flying and eating sushi. You said those were the same as posting on social media, because they're all choices we can make. So as much as we can choose to do your examples, I figured I'd point out we could choose to only feed our babies McDonalds and Coca Cola. [But I think you know that.]

sheslikeasunburn · October 2015

katec4vt said:

sheslikeasunburn said:

katec4vt said:

sheslikeasunburn said:

@katec4vt There are so many optional things we do in life that carry risks (ie flying, eating sushi). We do them anyway because they bring us joy and ultimately the risk of something really bad happening is low. I choose not to live in fear.

You can make that choice because you're an adult; just as you can choose to fly or to eat sushi or to walk out your front door every day. A child no more gets a choice in being posted on social media than he or she does in the food you feed it - and I'm guessing no one is promoting feeding their child solely McDonalds or giving them Coca Cola to drink versus breast milk.

I don't follow. What does solely feeding babies McDonald's and Coke have to do with posting on social media? Are you saying they are the same thing?

Simply using your logic of flying and eating sushi. You said those were the same as posting on social media, because they're all choices we can make. So as much as we can choose to do your examples, I figured I'd point out we could choose to only feed our babies McDonalds and Coca Cola. [But I think you know that.]

@katec4vt I was pointing out other low-risk, elective activities people generally engage in because the joy they bring outweighs the risk. Your example does not fit that, and is extreme.

katec4vt · October 2015

ohbaby714 said:

Ugh, literally just had someone come in my office - whom I've never met before - and try to show me a picture of some child that is somehow related to her (but not hers) on her cell phone. This just reiterates my idea of wanting to just have hard copies of photos that we send only to close friends and relatives. Even if it does cost more - this woman doesn't know me from Adam. Who knows what kind of person I could be?
I've had people do that to me with hard copies of photos as well. I've also gave my husband's grandma hard copies of photos that she copied and gave to her brothers, sisters, ect. I'm not saying it's not possible, but I think it is going to be harder than you think to keep photos only in your close family whether it be via social media or family showing hard copies to others. I guess I don't have much advice other than to make it very well known that you do not want the pictures shared or posted on social media.

I just feel like with it being just hard copy photos, at least we can specifically limit which photos we are sharing and who is originally getting them. I don't really worry about people making copies of those to give to others if we have set the limit on sharing via social media. I think by then they'll get the point.

Monkeybutt80 · October 2015

katec4vt said:

Ugh, literally just had someone come in my office - whom I've never met before - and try to show me a picture of some child that is somehow related to her (but not hers) on her cell phone. This just reiterates my idea of wanting to just have hard copies of photos that we send only to close friends and relatives. Even if it does cost more - this woman doesn't know me from Adam. Who knows what kind of person I could be?

That's not going to stop just because you give out hard copies of photos instead of digital copies. Nothing prevents your mother(just an example) going to her hair salon and showing some random lady sitting next to her a photo of your child out of her wallet. If other people seeing your kid's picture is in itself a problem for you (instead of the issue of photos on the internet), the only way you could prevent this is to not take any photos of your child (i am not advising this - childhood photos are so important, in my opinion). Even with hard copy photos, you understand that the photo processing employees (randoms) will look at them, right?

katec4vt · October 2015

sheslikeasunburn said:

@katec4vt I was pointing out other low-risk, elective activities people generally engage in. I think you are being extreme.

katec4vt said:

sheslikeasunburn said:

katec4vt said:

sheslikeasunburn said:

@katec4vt There are so many optional things we do in life that carry risks (ie flying, eating sushi). We do them anyway because they bring us joy and ultimately the risk of something really bad happening is low. I choose not to live in fear.

You can make that choice because you're an adult; just as you can choose to fly or to eat sushi or to walk out your front door every day. A child no more gets a choice in being posted on social media than he or she does in the food you feed it - and I'm guessing no one is promoting feeding their child solely McDonalds or giving them Coca Cola to drink versus breast milk.

I don't follow. What does solely feeding babies McDonald's and Coke have to do with posting on social media? Are you saying they are the same thing?

Simply using your logic of flying and eating sushi. You said those were the same as posting on social media, because they're all choices we can make. So as much as we can choose to do your examples, I figured I'd point out we could choose to only feed our babies McDonalds and Coca Cola. [But I think you know that.]

@katec4vt I was pointing out other low-risk, elective activities people generally engage in because the joy they bring outweighs the risk. Your example does not fit that, and is extreme.

That's your opinion to have. Everything is subjective.

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