How to tell MIL you don't want her in delivery room amongst other things

mamahihway · October 2015

Ok so MIL is completely annoying she's a lovely lady but sometimes I just cannot deal. Idk how to tell her that I don't want her in the delivery room because honestly I feel like she will stress me out. And also when baby is born I prefer for my mom to stay and help instead of her. I just don't want the added stress nor aggravation. Help !

spottedginger · October 2015

"MIL, I plan on only having husband and mom in the labor and delivery room. I can't wait for you to meet little one once s/he arrives."
This is a situation where polite directness is the best solution. Trying to talk around it or make excuses is liable to dilute your message or hurt her feelings. You can also blame it on a hospital policy about only having two people allowed while in labor, but then you need to make sure he nurses know not to let her back. I would also tell her sooner rather than later so she can get over her disappointment if she's making assumptions and counting on being there.

VegetaElPrincipe · October 2015

Exactly what @spottedginger said. Plus the nurses will play bouncer for you. Also, I'd nip her assumptions in the bud real quick.

hplunkett2883 · October 2015

Just tell her that you understand her excitement and her wanting to be there but this is a time you and your mother have dreamed about sharing together for years. She is more than welcome to be the first visitor in after the baby is born though. And that you and your mother have already made arrangements for your mother to stay with you after the baby is here and you just don't want a crowded house. She can come and visit and help when she is there but again this is a special time you and your mother have been planning since way before.

mrs14678 · October 2015

We just aren't going to tell anyone until baby is actually born. The only people who will know will be my parents and sisters (they all live at the same house, so kinda hard to explain when mom suddenly leaves to help at the hospital...) and my husband.

Gingermom15 · October 2015

Just tell her you don't want her in there for the birth. Your baby, your rules. But I'm not as nice and tactful as others here may be

lalg28 · October 2015

You could always lie and say they only allow two people in delivery room. You could probably get the nurses on board too.

celainev · October 2015

I have a slightly obnoxious MIL as well. And she did plan on being in the hospital even though I never asked her. I had my DH politely compromise with her saying that we would love it if instead she stayed at our house while I am in labour, and "prepared the house." But we made it clear that she is not staying with us after. She loves her "job" now and is so excited to have meals prepared for us and so on.

She lives an hour away and my DH wanted her close when I am in labour... But I also had to compromise with him since it will be my naked body, not his. But since this baby is both of ours, I can't not let her see the baby as soon as it is born. (Sorry, double negative!)

My MIl is more honest to my DH, as she usually will tell me what I want to hear and then complain about it after to my DH, as if we don't discuss these things together. That is why I had him talk to her.

DaniApp11 · October 2015

I always find it best to allow the child to communicate with their parent....let your husband break the bad news. She will likely take it less personally.

BostonBaby1 · October 2015

Either you or your husband say:

" Mom, we really appreciate that you want to be in the room. That's very generous of you, but we don't feel comfortable with it. It is going to be just the two of us ( or it is just going to be us and my mother.) We love you very much! "

Melissadmag · October 2015

Just let her know that you are only comfortable with your hubby and your mother in the room with you. If she persists, I would also say perhaps a little white lie such as, " my best friend, my MIL, my cousin, etc all seem to want to be in the room with you when you deliver and it's making you so stressed out that you are considering not even telling anyone you're in labor until after the baby is already born. You are very serious about only wanting those 2 people in the room with you, others are welcome to the waiting room, but they don't need to see you sprawled eagle with all your goods out.

blansaw · October 2015

Don't make it a conversation about her. Maybe bring up how a "friend" mentioned how she wants to be in the delivery room, and you are really uncomfortable with anyone except Person A and/or Person B being in there. That way she feels like you can confide in her with certain information (like she's your bestie), AND she knows exactly who you want in there without directly saying "you're not welcome".

I had to do a similar thing with my MIL coming to our wedding. She had a new BF that my DH hates (and everyone else in the family) so when she came to visit I mentioned that one of our friends was trying to bring other people with him to our wedding of which the location had very limited space. I explained that the only people that are invited are the people that are addressed on the envelope and that I wish DH's friend would get it. Needless to say she did not show up with the new BF and no one had to have the awkward "we don't want your weird new BF in our wedding photos" conversation.

Rawr052992 · October 2015

I wouldnt make it seem like its about her stressing you out. I would just say that your not sure you would be comfortable having all of yourself exposed to her & you would rather her wait until after baby has been delivered & your able to cover yourself for her to bei n the room.

Im nowhere near body shy, but thats what I told my BFs mom, and she wasnt happy about it, but understood at the same time.

She argued "You're going to be completely open and exposed to all the doctors and nurses who randomly check on you, why cant I be there for the birth of my first grandchild"

We simply responded that if we could lower the number of doctors and nurses we would, but sadly thats not something we're able to control.

That was the end of the argument and she agreed to just wait in the waiting room & come in as soon as we were ready.

redfallon · October 2015

@Rawr052992 said:

I wouldnt make it seem like its about her stressing you out. I would just say that your not sure you would be comfortable having all of yourself exposed to her & you would rather her wait until after baby has been delivered & your able to cover yourself for her to bei n the room.

Im nowhere near body shy, but thats what I told my BFs mom, and she wasnt happy about it, but understood at the same time.

She argued "You're going to be completely open and exposed to all the doctors and nurses who randomly check on you, why cant I be there for the birth of my first grandchild"
We simply responded that if we could lower the number of doctors and nurses we would, but sadly thats not something we're able to control.

That was the end of the argument and she agreed to just wait in the waiting room & come in as soon as we were ready.

That's a silly argument. It's their job to see all your business out there.

herewegrow · October 2015

I can't believe so many people WANT to be there and watch that. I didn't even want to be there and I can't believe my husband watched. I pray no one ever asks me to help them give birth. Blech.

But yeah, I like the idea of telling her about a "friend" wanting to be in there... That wouldn't work with my bone headed MIL, so you may just try to be direct and firm. She will just have to deal. Maybe have her be at the hospital and give her the responsibility of getting a treat for the nurses or calling others once baby is born!

kcas123 · October 2015

I have told my SO's mother numerous times she will not be in the delivery room. She still tells people to this very day tells people that I told her she could be in the room with me and SO. I've been stressing about it because I do NOT want her in there. My mom is a maternity nurse and she says the nurses will really work with you if you give them the "hint" that you don't want someone in there with you.

redfallon · October 2015

@herewegrow said:

I can't believe so many people WANT to be there and watch that. I didn't even want to be there and I can't believe my husband watched. I pray no one ever asks me to help them give birth. Blech. But yeah, I like the idea of telling her about a "friend" wanting to be in there... That wouldn't work with my bone headed MIL, so you may just try to be direct and firm. She will just have to deal. Maybe have her be at the hospital and give her the responsibility of getting a treat for the nurses or calling others once baby is born!

Agreed. I don't understand how telling her a friend wants to be in there so she can't be would help matters. I think it'd make it worse: "But I am family! I'm the child's grandmother!" etc.

Sorry, but I don't want anyone in there except people who have already seen my hoo-ha recently. That would include my husband and my doctor... and the nurses whose job it is to be there.

mrs14678 · October 2015

redfallon said:

@Rawr052992 said:

I wouldnt make it seem like its about her stressing you out. I would just say that your not sure you would be comfortable having all of yourself exposed to her & you would rather her wait until after baby has been delivered & your able to cover yourself for her to bei n the room.

Im nowhere near body shy, but thats what I told my BFs mom, and she wasnt happy about it, but understood at the same time.

She argued "You're going to be completely open and exposed to all the doctors and nurses who randomly check on you, why cant I be there for the birth of my first grandchild"
We simply responded that if we could lower the number of doctors and nurses we would, but sadly thats not something we're able to control.

That was the end of the argument and she agreed to just wait in the waiting room & come in as soon as we were ready.

That's a silly argument. It's their job to see all your business out there.

Plus you don't have to see them socially!!

VegetaElPrincipe · October 2015

You guys are nice. I'd just go with, my birth team, aside from the medical professionals at the hospital are my husband and mother. That's all that I am comfortable with. We'll let you know when to come and visit, after he's born and checked.

That's the whole convo. If my MIL were to get upset, she'd have to find someone who cares, because I personally don't and my husband feels it's my body and I'm doing the work so it's my way. Plus, it would be rude and strange of her to think she was entitled to such a thing. I'd also tell her that. If it came up about my mom coming, I'd point out that my mother has come to the ER with me during this process, appointments and through the scary testing period. She always offered to come.

But my MIL makes minimal efforts. So I guess that's where my attitude about it all stems from. Like, you don't get to do what you want, when you want, how you want, with me. Especially, after you've been less than half asset the whole time. *Shrugs* also, I'm the type who will let you tell people whatever you want. If I didn't tell you that you were coming in, you chose to make an ass of yourself with that assumption.

yl1m32015 · October 2015

I never even allowed my mil to have the idea in her head that she would be included in the delivery room. We told them up front, early on, only dh and I will be there. In fact, we told her she isn't even welcome to sit in the waiting room. We will call her after baby is born and once were ready for visitors. It's not difficult to say "no" politely, but sternly. This is your labor and your birth, it's not your job to worry about her feelings.

Taylovesbrad · October 2015

I think just being honest and direct and making it about you and your husband.

I'm sorry I know you were hoping to be in there but it just makes us uncomfortable. Thank you so much for wanting to be there, but the best way to support us is to wait outside.

kdoak2015 · October 2015

I've just gone through this situation this week and unfortunately my MIL didn't have the decency to talked to me directly she lost it on my DH and has been pouting ever since. I emailed her this evening explaining my situation and advised that I understand it's her first gc but I would like a few hours alone with my family. She still isn't handling it well but i don't give a shit anymore. My kid, my vagina, my time with her. It's not about anyone else it's my families time. She needs to get over it. The end! Good luck with yours!

kristen2b · October 2015

No. The end. It's not hard.
You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to make up some story about your friend hoping she'll get the hint. She says "I want to be in the delivery room". You say "no". She says "why". You say "because I said so". It's great practice for motherhood.

MegStark · October 2015

My MIL can drive me batty sometimes, but I would never dream of her trying to be in the delivery room. With our first child, I said early on that I think it's weird that anyone would try to be in the room other than DH. I guess that was my way of telling her she wasn't allowed, but it was and still is my honest opinion. These MILs need to get a grip.

acanfield18 · October 2015

Those of you that do not want your MIL in the delivery room, stick to your guns. Flat out tell them, thanks but no thanks. With my first, DH was deployed and my mom coulsnt make it. I was happy my MIL was willing to step in until she was all up in my crotch.... It was awkward and effin weird. She made comments after the fact that were inappropriate and uncomfortable... Do not feel pressured, you have to be comfortable or the whole experience is ruined!

BostonBaby1 · October 2015

kristen2b said:
No. The end. It's not hard.
You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to make up some story about your friend hoping she'll get the hint. She says "I want to be in the delivery room". You say "no". She says "why". You say "because I said so". It's great practice for motherhood.

VegetaElPrincipe · October 2015

kristen2b said:

No. The end. It's not hard. You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to make up some story about your friend hoping she'll get the hint. She says "I want to be in the delivery room". You say "no". She says "why". You say "because I said so". It's great practice for motherhood.

Side note, I totally used to hate when my mother said that. But YES to this bit of advice.

VegetaElPrincipe · October 2015

acanfield18 said:

Those of you that do not want your MIL in the delivery room, stick to your guns. Flat out tell them, thanks but no thanks. With my first, DH was deployed and my mom coulsnt make it. I was happy my MIL was willing to step in until she was all up in my crotch.... It was awkward and effin weird. She made comments after the fact that were inappropriate and uncomfortable... Do not feel pressured, you have to be comfortable or the whole experience is ruined!

Sorry for the double post ladies.

@acanfield18, comments? What could she have commented about? Don't share if you are uncomfortable, but I am genuinely curious.

mltarrio · October 2015

I guess I am lucky on this one. My MIL is a big "space" person and has no interest in being in the room. My Mom was there for my sister, (she was 18 and the Dad was not in the picture), and she asked me directly if I wanted her in the room. I told her I wasn't really comfortable and it would just be myself and my husband. She was relieved! I think if I had said yes she would have done it for me, but it wasn't something that she wanted. I don't really get these Grandmas who want to be present for this. It seems just as awkward for them and I am sure it would be for the woman giving birth. To each his own, but I would think it would be better for everyone to come and see the baby after it is cleaned up and fed and Mom has an hour or two to recover.

Daphneh28 · October 2015

My MIL lives out of state and when she called to say she couldn't make it to the baby shower but would for the birth I started freakin g out. Nope. Nope. Nope. If ya ain't seen the goods you are not welcome. So SO saved the day and gave her a call and said since the baby is due a couple of weeks before the holidays just come for Christmas (I'm fine with that) and then you can meet her cause you never know when the baby will actually be born. Phew! That made me feel much better. I agree with so many PPs I understand your excitement but WHY do you want to be there all up in my stuff? My mom is definetly going to be there I can't do this without her but I know she will be up by my head not my nether regions. I need my mommy to hold my hand lol!

Mother0fDragons · October 2015

mltarrio said:

I guess I am lucky on this one. My MIL is a big "space" person and has no interest in being in the room. My Mom was there for my sister, (she was 18 and the Dad was not in the picture), and she asked me directly if I wanted her in the room. I told her I wasn't really comfortable and it would just be myself and my husband. She was relieved! I think if I had said yes she would have done it for me, but it wasn't something that she wanted. I don't really get these Grandmas who want to be present for this. It seems just as awkward for them and I am sure it would be for the woman giving birth. To each his own, but I would think it would be better for everyone to come and see the baby after it is cleaned up and fed and Mom has an hour or two to recover.

This! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

chillmama1518 · October 2015

I'm also glad there are other mom to be's here that only want hubby there and want a little time to just be a new family of three before grandparents come on the scene.
I feel like I've got a bit of flack/dirty looks when I've explained this to both my family and his. Like both grandmas think they should get to hold the baby within minutes of being born...ummmm...can I hold him or her first please?
I love my parents and his parents both but I just feel like this is a huge moment in hubby and my life, and we should enjoy it for a bit before being bombarded with visitors of any kind.

VesperLove · October 2015

You guys are way too nice for me. I will bluntly and honestly be telling my MIL (and my own mother) that I do not want anyone except DH in the room during the birth. I know I'll get push back from both of them but I don't feel the need to explain. I will tell them I understand they might be disappointed but this is my birth and my decision and this is what I want and if they try to make their way back there or go against my wishes my nurses will have strict orders not to allow them in. And that if they really care about me and this process going as best possible for me, DH, and the baby they won't push it any further. Period.

lbaird123 · October 2015

I have been stalking this thread for a few days hoping someone would leave a comment that didn't make me furious....no luck. My DH has no one. His dad died of pancreatic cancer when he was 17 years old. We lost his mom may 2014 of colon cancer. He has NOBODY. I was you ladies with my first daughter. But life throws things at you and you wish like hell you could take back things you said or did.I would give anything for my MIL to be there for this baby's birth. But she won't be. There's bigger things ladies. Life changes in an instant.

haylierm · October 2015

This is one of those things that confuses the heck out of me. Did she have her mil in the room when she gave birth? Who doesn't just want their own mother? I mean, I know every situation is different and some of you ladies I'm sure have different relationships and preferences. Some of you might even prefer mil to your own. But what I mean is I just can't wrap my mind around assuming somebody wants you there during the most intimate moment of your life. Lol especially if you're a ftm, you're scared, you're in pain, you want your mommy and the person who got you into this mess in the first place (husband). Lol I agree with everyone here. Labor is not the time to worry about hurting anyone's feelings. THE ONLY thing that matters is your comfort during that time. My mom and husband will be in the room with me and I wont be telling anyone anything until after the baby is born. The last thing I want to worry about is my dad or step mom pissing me off when I already have enough going on. I'm sure there will be some hurt feelings but its about what i want. Sorry not sorry. Lol and as others have said, nurses are great at running interference. Lol

VesperLove · October 2015

lbaird123 said:
I have been stalking this thread for a few days hoping someone would leave a comment that didn't make me furious....no luck. My DH has no one. His dad died of pancreatic cancer when he was 17 years old. We lost his mom may 2014 of colon cancer. He has NOBODY. I was you ladies with my first daughter. But life throws things at you and you wish like hell you could take back things you said or did.I would give anything for my MIL to be there for this baby's birth. But she won't be. There's bigger things ladies. Life changes in an instant.

I'm sorry for your family's losses and wish for you that you could have the people there that you want. But that doesnt change the fact that everyone has a right to their own wishes and your judgment is unwarranted.

I lost my grandmother, one of the most important people in my life two years ago. I would give anything to have her back. Anything. But that doesnt mean id want her in my delivery room. My other grandma lives in Florida and cant travel and likely will never meet this grandchild. It devastates me. But even if she could get here for the birth she wouldn't be in the delivery room either.

Having a want or desire for your birth process that excludes people doesn't mean you don't love them, appreciate them, or recognize the importance of their role in your life. And to judge someone as though it does is unnecessary and in my opinion incredibly rude.

I truly do wish you could have these loved ones back in your life and i am so very thankful for the people i have in mine that will be a part of this journey. But i won't feel bad for knowing what i want and need during the birth of my child and expressing that to those involved.

kristen2b · October 2015

lbaird123 said:
I have been stalking this thread for a few days hoping someone would leave a comment that didn't make me furious....no luck. My DH has no one. His dad died of pancreatic cancer when he was 17 years old. We lost his mom may 2014 of colon cancer. He has NOBODY. I was you ladies with my first daughter. But life throws things at you and you wish like hell you could take back things you said or did.I would give anything for my MIL to be there for this baby's birth. But she won't be. There's bigger things ladies. Life changes in an instant.

I would give anything for my husband's grandmother to be around to meet our children but that doesn't mean I want her to see my vagina.

acanfield18 · October 2015

@VegetaElPrincipe .. First she made the comment how she had done it before (given birth) but never seen it and wished she hadn't. Then she would flat out tell lies to other family members. For instance, she told everyone I didn't wear pants after... Like apparently I was walking around the hospital with my used and abused lady bits hanging out for everyone to see...obviously not true. Then was pissed because I was up and moving around and doing things for myself so she told everyone I was treating her like a slave and she wanted to go home. She left the day my husband came home but before they saw one another... Also, I was active military so I delivered on base and you get very little say in your health care, not that it was bad, my hospital stay was great but she kept trying to threaten everyone that her husband was high ranking in the Air force and she would make a call if she needed to, well they all thought she was bat shit crazy and told her to call if she felt the need, no one she knew had any pull in their Army hospital...she was just a horrible person to have there and it made it more stressful than necessary. I'm happy she booked her vacation for the week I'm due so I don't have to worry about her psyco ass...
Sorry it's so long..partially a rant!

VegetaElPrincipe · October 2015

@acanfield18 well, I'm glad that my asking you to share let you get that out. I'm sorry you had such a terrible experience with your MIL.

@VesperLove I love you. That was such an eloquent and elegant response.

VesperLove · October 2015

VegetaElPrincipe said:
@acanfield18 well, I'm glad that my asking you to share let you get that out. I'm sorry you had such a terrible experience with your MIL.

@VesperLove I love you. That was such an eloquent and elegant response.

:x

mamahihway · October 2015

Thanks everyone for the advice. I will definitely have DH talk to his mother. I sneakily had the conversation with him and he just told me whatever I want is fine as long as I'm comfortable. I just want things to go as smoothly as possible being that everything else is a mess. Moving due in 9wkd and not even sure if I'm having a baby shower yet. This is one less thing to worry about

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How to tell MIL you don't want her in delivery room amongst other things

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