How much hubby hobby time is too much?

SMac2013 · October 2015

So my husband likes to stay busy. He goes to the gym, he washes the cars, cuts the grass, messes with his dirtbike/motorcycle/bicycle, and just recently started hunting again. Since I have known him the hunting obsession gets old very fast, even before the baby. Now it drives me insane. I feel guilty because I get insanely jealous that he can just go do things whenever he feels like it and I am "stuck" at home with our adorable 7 month old baby. I have never had any desire to cut the grass but now I'm like please let me cut the grass and you watch the baby. I never had any hobbies before the baby, I would just work a lot and occasionally hang out with girlfriends. Since hunting has started he has come home late every night from work, like 7:30 late. LO bed time is 8-9 anytime between there and I am utterly exhausted and needed a break by 5 pm. So I am the one doing the bath and getting him sleepy and to sleep every night again. I feel like it it putting this huge wedge between us because I am resenting him for getting a "break"...he always asks but it's not like I can say no, come home and parent please. Because half the time if he's here he will find something to keep him busy.. He can't just chill. Cleaning a gun or doing something stupid.he doesn't understand that I need to make baby food , do laundry, and other "mom" things and I actually like to clean the house and I can't just let the baby cry while I do those things. Don't get me wrong he's been a great dad. He loves our babe and plays with him and cooks dinner for us ( he's a very picky cook). But I just want him to have to stay at home and watch our baby to see what I go through every day. It drives me crazy. I'm scared to become that "bitchy wife" that never lets her husband do anything, but I am feeling frustrated because I feel like a single parent more and more lately. I know I need to talk to him about it but I haven't figured out where to start and I get so angry I don't want it to turn into a fight. And now this weekend he will be going away to his families camp to get ready for winter or whatever they do.
How do you ladies balance all of this? I am at a loss for words and I'm not sure what to do.

SharLovesAlex · October 2015

Hi! First of all, I don't think you'll become "that" wife by asking him to stay home more.

I think, personally, your feelings are founded because I feel that way sometimes. On a lazy weekend afternoon, my husband will just doze off on the couch. I mention being tired & he says, "Take a nap!" Like I can just have a snooze with our 7 month old crawling around. Not easy at all. And yeah, he's gone out to the bar with his brother and to baseball games and I'm home like ~X( All my friends have kids so don't go out a whole lot, either. He still has friends that are single without kids. I have one single friend that has no kids, but she lives over an hour away. So I totally get where you're coming from.

How about positive reframe? Tell him your LO is doing so many funny, new things every day, you'd like for him to see them enjoy them, too. And ask him if he can skip hunting that night or whatever it is. Or if he's home, ask him if he'd like to read to your LO, or tell him, "He loves playing with this, try playing with him!" Then you don't come off rude and b!tchy. You should talk to him about your feelings once he's settled in playing or reading or whatever, like, "It's so great you're doing this with him right now, and sometimes I could use a break for a little while."

That's just a suggestion. Hope everything works out!

honkytonk_kid · October 2015

Why can't you ask him to come home and parent? He is... a parent. You deserve time to yourself too.

I mean, say it in a nice way, but yeah.

rojita-2 · October 2015

First off, please tell me he isn't handling guns around baby, even if they're just being cleaned.

My personal opinion on guns and hunting aside, I agree with pp. It's important to be frank and open with hubby and ask him to share in the parenting some more. He may not even realise how exhausted and in need of a break you are but if you don't tell him, it'll only build up. I also agree with you that the the little things make a huge difference - mowing the lawn, getting groceries, even washing your hair (drying your hair is an added bonus!)

Good luck!

chandlersmama25 · October 2015

My husband is like this, too. He works 13 hour days so I get no help during the week, but then on the weekend he can't sit still and whines at me when I ask him to take the baby. Honestly, I sat down with him and just explained that I really needed help and told him it's be great if he watched the baby while I did the chores! It helped a lot.

Streed1 · November 2015

My husband and I are dealing with this too. He constantly wants to be doing something such as fishing, hunting or hanging out with friends. I have become that bitchy wife at times. I try to keep in mind that this is my time with my son and when he gets older he will want to do more stuff with his dad and I will miss this age.

aframe77 · November 2015

I had a similar issue, it may sound cheesy but I wrote him a letter, outlining the way it felt when he spent too many evenings away from us, also explaining that I am not a "default babysitter," that we have a shared responsibility. I gave it to him at a time when I wasn't upset or irritated so we could have a conversation instead of an argument. So far he's made a strong effort to stay home more, or involve me as well. I also started booking things for me to do on my own so we each got our own "me time" throughout the week. It's a balancing act!

KD32412 · November 2015

I wonder if this is an age thing? My husband spends all his free time doing family stuff or helping around the house. It helps that most of our friends are married with kids and are busy doing the same. When we do spend time with friends, we do kid friendly activities: zoo, park, potluck gatherings, playdoh parties, etc.

Communication is so important. I like the PP's idea to write a letter and bring it up when she's NOT upset.

brookeleen · December 2015

I have similar situation except my husband is out surfing all the time. Just tell your husband that you want him home more, it may or may not work but usually it works especially if he knows and has been out a lot he'll feel guilty then. Yea he can offer to have you go out with the girls but it's not the same! We are Momas and carrying the moma guilt of leaving our babes at home and end up not having fun! Lol just tell him that. It's hard dealing with a husband who likes to be productive but only talking to him about how you feel will get you somewhere.

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