Feel Like I'm Losing My Pregnancy to Future MIL

kyraaD · October 2015

i just need to vent a little about my struggles with my future MIL (me & SO just got engaged) & also see if you ladies have any advice on how to handle this.. sorry if it's a bit lengthy.

this is mine & my SO's first child; due March 14, 2016. being both our mother's first grandchild, they are over-the-moon excited for us, which is really really great! it takes a lot of stress & pressure off us to know that we have our families supporting us. however, she is starting to make me & my mother feel very excluded from my own pregnancy. she's buying things left, right, & center without even consulting me on what i or my family would like to purchase for the baby. she's assuming she will be throwing my shower even tho my own mother has offered to do it. I've told her this & instead of wanting to co-host with my mom & get to know my family, she decided she wants to throw me a separate shower with all of these people she is friends with & who i dont know at all. a bunch of other things have happened but these are the things that have bugged me the most.

I'm just starting to feel like my pregnancy is turning into being all about her getting her first grandchild & not at all about me & my SO getting out first child. I've tried to talk to my SO but he gets extremely defensive, almost like I'm attacking her or saying she's not allowed to be excited. how can i deal with this??

MrsLeanMeanClean · October 2015

Set up a registry.... share your plans on specifics of what you want (type of pram etc) and accept.the second shower... If she wants to spend her money on it and her friends then accept it, be gracious, and smile and nod

kyraaD · October 2015

i will accept. it's just frustrating to me that she doesnt want anything to do with my side of the family & doesn't consider me or them at all. she's making all these decisions & buying all this crap & I'm starting to feel like my pregnancy is becoming hers.

asheriff1 · October 2015

No! Do not accept it. My MIL was this way and she HATED me until we announced our pregnancy and I told her if she couldn't respect me then she wouldn't be part. You and your fiancé need to talk and you need to tell him that this is you twos baby and you're glad she's excited but you want to lead the show. Tell her that your mom is already planning a shower and if she wants to help your mother do it great, if not oh well. Tell her you only want one big one because it will be awkward to have all people there you don't know. You have to put your foot down now or she's going to be at your door every day taking your child, and not letting you be a mother..

thecubiclee · October 2015

I understand where you're coming from. But two separate showers isn't a bad thing. My MIL is throwing me a shower with people I don't really know and it's fine by me. She has also started buying her first grandson stuff and randomly bringing it to my house to drop off. I just love that she's so excited. My family is throwing me a separate shower as well, which I think works out better for my situation. But if you're receiving things that you don't necessarily like, most places (being that you know where she got it) allow you to exchange things.

meganmarie1087 · October 2015

I went through this 3 years ago with my MIL. I would suggest having your fiancé sit down and talk with his mother about boundaries. Trust me, if you do not do it now, it will only get worse once the baby gets here. My MIL got so upset with my husband when he laid out the issue of boundaries and respect but she eventually got over it.

It is nice to know that your future MIL is excited about your LO but at the same time it can be overwhelming. Try to sit back, relax and enjoy your pregnancy.

ecwk · October 2015

I guess I can't see what the big deal is. My situation is similar in that it is the first grandchild on both sides. My MIL is also buying things left, right and centre but I'm totally happy about this. I think you should graciously accept the gifts and if there are things you don't want or won't use you can always exchange or donate them.
As for the shower, plenty of people have two and it's really not a big deal. I know it must be a little frustrating that she's not wanting to work on this with your mom but it honestly sounds like she is just so excited and she wants to spoil you and her grand baby.
So many people complain about how they don't have anyone to throw them a shower and I think you should consider yourself lucky that you're having two. It's all about perspective.
Finally, try imagining what it would be like to have a MIL who was disinterested, unsupportive or downright not happy about a pregnancy. That would really be something to complain about. IMO, you need to adjust your attitude and be a little more grateful.

hellomcintosh · October 2015

@ecwk so harsh! lol

I understand why you would want to vent, but I'm not necessarily in the same situation. However, I think the scariest part of your post was how defensive your fiancé gets when you try to talk about it with him. Luckily my husband has always been pretty supportive of me with MIL problems, even if he doesn't understand why I feel that way, but I would just work on calmly and patiently trying to discuss it with him. PPs were mentioning him speaking with his mother about everything, but that would never happen if he doesn't support you (and may need to soon!)

And I do see, I think, how everything else snowballs into a bigger deal than it probably would be if the two of them would be open to listening to you and including you.

Sorry that was long, lol

ecwk · October 2015

@hellomcintosh I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm being totally honest and trying to put that across as best I can. I hope you understand that too @kyraaD

I would say the exact same thing to a friend in real life if they came to me with this problem.
If it was something where the MIL was trying to control her, like telling her what to eat, what not to eat and that she's gained too much or something like that then I'd have a completely different response. Where it's just presents and showers (that we know of) like I said I'm in a similar position but it doesn't bother me one bit.

kynbar5 · October 2015

I don't think @ecwk was harsh at all. I was actually thinking exactly the same things. Count your blessings. It does sound like she's just extremely excited. Just to reiterate, it's not like she's trying to control you. That would be something to be annoyed about. I honestly think saying that you feel like you're losing your pregnancy to her is a bit much. Serious question- if your mother acted exactly as your MIL is would it be this big of a deal? As far as your husband getting defensive, well, it's his mom and I wouldn't hold that against him because he's right in that it sounds like she's just really excited. Much better than it being the other way around!

klgiles12 · October 2015

kyraaD said:

i just need to vent a little about my struggles with my future MIL (me & SO just got engaged) & also see if you ladies have any advice on how to handle this.. sorry if it's a bit lengthy. this is mine & my SO's first child; due March 14, 2016. being both our mother's first grandchild, they are over-the-moon excited for us, which is really really great! it takes a lot of stress & pressure off us to know that we have our families supporting us. however, she is starting to make me & my mother feel very excluded from my own pregnancy. she's buying things left, right, & center without even consulting me on what i or my family would like to purchase for the baby. she's assuming she will be throwing my shower even tho my own mother has offered to do it. I've told her this & instead of wanting to co-host with my mom & get to know my family, she decided she wants to throw me a separate shower with all of these people she is friends with & who i dont know at all. a bunch of other things have happened but these are the things that have bugged me the most. I'm just starting to feel like my pregnancy is turning into being all about her getting her first grandchild & not at all about me & my SO getting out first child. I've tried to talk to my SO but he gets extremely defensive, almost like I'm attacking her or saying she's not allowed to be excited. how can i deal with this??

I will echo what @asheriff1 said. My MIL has been nothing but passive aggressive, insincere, and smothering in a not so good way through 9 of our 12 year relationship. DH and BIL are her only two kiddos and she can't let go, so we have distanced ourselves to stay away from the negativity. It took a long time for DH to see her true nature. Luckily we live all the way across the country. Of course now that I am pregnant she wants to be best friends and has been calling daily. We just don't answer. I am not stupid lady. I would advise really speaking with him about how she is making you feel, not necessarily what she is doing.

Both sets of our parents are also buying things. I say let that go, whatever is not your style or taste, take it back or donate it. There are lots of families that can't afford new things so at least someone would get use from the items you don't want or need. Not to mention good karma. :-)

You can also set your own boundaries. You can't force her to do or not do something, but you have total control over yourself and what you choose to do. If you are uncomfortable, separate yourself. If you think you can get through the shower she's throwing, after all it is only a few hours on one day, by all means go and enjoy the time you have there. If not, don't. But don't also let anyone make you feel like you are being ungrateful for wanting to stay out of a situation that makes you uncomfortable or upsets you.

Good luck!

flowerpower5838 · October 2015

I am in the "I don't really see this as a problem" party to a certain extent. So I'll say the obligatory "be grateful she is interested, happy for you, etc."

If I were you, I think I'd be a little hurt about the whole family thing a little, too. clearly I do not know your future MIL, but I'm sure the 2nd shower wasn't intended as a dig at your family, probably more that she wants to show off (not in a bad way, in an excited grandma to be way)to the rest of HER friends and family. Trust me when I say GIANT showers are the worst. There is nothing worse for a shower guest than sitting through an hour of present opening because you have an 80 guest shower, so this may be a blessing in disguise.

My suggestion would be to try to organize the same kind of get-togethers non-pregnant couples organize when introducing/familiarizing their parents/families to each other. Go out to dinner with the moms, dads and your DH, plan a wedding planning day with the moms, BBQ at your house, etc. I don't necessarily agree with the advice of "setting boundaries now" and "have DH talk to her ASAP" because I kind of agree with him. About what? Buying your kid stuff and wanting to throw you a party? Seems like small potatoes to me and I kind of don't blame your DH for getting a little defensive. She isn't really even being passive aggressive, she seems to just be excited. It isn't YOUR baby, it's his, too. Thus just as much his mom's as your mom's if that makes sense.

If you don't like the stuff she buys, suggest she keep some of it at her house for when the baby visits. If that's not possible, be honest and just tell her - "Oh I registered for something very similar to that in a pattern we LOVE!" Hopefully she will get the hint. If not, then oh well at least you have free stuff!

llybeck · October 2015

I was in your situation with my first and I don't really see the issue. You are saying she is taking over your pregnancy but it sounds like all she has done is buy things for you/your child and want to throw a shower. Is there more to this than what you're saying here? I just don't see at all how that could be considered her taking over your pregnancy or excluding you. She's doing what a lot of grandparents do and I would venture to guess that if it was your own mother and not MIL doing this, you wouldn't see a problem. What it sounds like is that you have other issues with MIL that are causing this to bother you more than it should, it really shouldn't be an issue.

I can understand if you are worried about her buying things that you don't want/need but look at it like any other gift, you graciously accept and if you don't want/need it then you can exchange or donate it. Simple as that. As far as having two showers, that is very common. I didn't know most of the people at the shower my MIL threw for me but they were insistent on coming and I am so glad they did. It was wonderful to meet the other people in my DH (at the time my fiance) and his family's lives. A lot of times it is easier for the host to do a separate shower instead of doing one big shower. Especially if this is the first grandchild on both sides, let the grandmas both do their own thing.

The only thing in your whole post that I think actually needs to be addressed is your fiance getting so defensive. While I agree with him that you do seem like you are down on you MIL way too much, he needs to be able to talk to you about things like this without getting upset. That is a learning experience though so be patient with him too. It's still his family you are talking about and if you are upset about his mom throwing a shower and buying you things, it's a bit understandable that he would be a little blindsided about your feelings and defend his mom. Like myself and others, he probably doesn't understand what the issue is.

smushi · October 2015

My MIL went nutter butters with the buying since DS was her first and only grand baby. Just smile, say thank you, dress them in the outfit for a second and snap a picture to send her. If she buys you big things that turn out to be crazy or unnecessary, return them later and get what you need (but wait awhile-you never know until you have the baby that the insane looking bouncer she bought turns out to be the only way to soothe the baby lol). MyMIL boughtDS a training potty for Christmas last year... We returned it for a high chair (because that's what we needed more). Just remember to breathe, smile, nod, and say thanks. People go bonkers over babies and sometimes they don't realize when too much can begin to feel overbearing. You're the momma. At the end of the day you get to make all the decisions. But you can choose to do so in as pleasant a way as possible

mshukh · October 2015

I agree with everyone in the "I think you may be overreacting a little" camp.

Although, my MIL has done similar stuff and it did annoy me at the time, I kept telling myself that it was just me being a little overly emotional due to pregnancy and occasionally a bit selfish. As far as your husband getting defensive, he is defending his mother and I think that's a good thing in this particular situation. Think about if you were the MIL throwing a shower for your first grand child and showering your DIL with gifts. I think you would appreciate that your son loves you enough to defend you and let his wife know when she may be just a tad unreasonable.

But, I also think that your husband should learn to take these comments without getting so defensive and try to discuss them with you with an open mind. I don't think both of you being defensive is going to lead to any productive discussions. You both need to learn to listen to each other.

SarahFoley725 · October 2015

My MIL is a nightmare and has been since the day my husband put a ring on my finger. She's giving me an issue with shower as well...wanting to invite her co workers that my husband doesn't even know. It's not the exact same situation but I feel you. If you don't feel comfortable with her friends being there just tell her or pass it off on your fiance to tell her. I'd just say you'd love to have a shower with his family, but you're not sure about sharing it with friends of hers just yet.

To make it simple I'd just do both showers. If she's bought you stuff you don't want or like, return it and get what you do want. My MIL is notorious for demanding a registry, looking at it, and going and buying what she likes somewhere else. It's so damn annoying but it's not going to change honestly. You will just have to find ways to manage her habbits. My mother told me there'd be a time to put my foot down and tell her enough is enough, but a baby shower isn't the time. Pick our battles and all that jazz

adotgorman · October 2015

It will only get worse once the baby arrives. My MIL did the exact same thing and has constantly caused issues metered DH and I regarding the kids until I finally put my foot down and cut her off. You need to set boundaries NOW. This should be done by having a sit down conversation with her and your DH.

flowerpower5838 · October 2015

Please do not start your relationship with your fiancé's family by cutting her off, setting hard boundaries and/or making ultimatums now.

Unless there is more to the story than your future MIL not making major strides towards getting to know your family better, buying you stuff that you didn't specifically ask for and wanting to throw you a shower, I feel like this is not good advice. While I DO understand that there are instances where these measures are absolutely necessary, I think you would be causing unnecessary strain on a relationship you are likely going to have for the your foreseeable future.

kynbar5 · October 2015

flowerpower5838 said:
Please do not start your relationship with your fiancé's family by cutting her off, setting hard boundaries and/or making ultimatums now.
Unless there is more to the story than your future MIL not making major strides towards getting to know your family better, buying you stuff that you didn't specifically ask for and wanting to throw you a shower, I feel like this is not good advice. While I DO understand that there are instances where these measures are absolutely necessary, I think you would be causing unnecessary strain on a relationship you are likely going to have for the your foreseeable future.

All of this^^^ it really does seem like there could be more to the story as I've never heard of anyone getting so upset about people being really excited about a baby and buying things... Oh wait, this is tb and sadly this rant happens too often imho. Be grateful, thankful, happy, appreciative, etc.

llybeck · October 2015

flowerpower5838 said:

Please do not start your relationship with your fiancé's family by cutting her off, setting hard boundaries and/or making ultimatums now.
Unless there is more to the story than your future MIL not making major strides towards getting to know your family better, buying you stuff that you didn't specifically ask for and wanting to throw you a shower, I feel like this is not good advice. While I DO understand that there are instances where these measures are absolutely necessary, I think you would be causing unnecessary strain on a relationship you are likely going to have for the your foreseeable future.

100% agree. This women is going to be in your life for the rest of hers, do you really want to put up that many walls and ultimatums over her wanting to throw a shower and buying you things? And do you really expect your fiance to be okay with you doing that to his family? Just like any relationship, you are going to need to be able to talk to her honestly and compromise. Setting unrealistic boundaries or cutting her out is very childish in my opinion and not at all fair to your SO. In the OP's case, I don't see an issue with anything the MIL is doing. However, if there is more to this and you are having other issues, just talk to her. You are going to need to be able to work with her and have some kind of relationship with her (within reason) for your SO and your LO. At least make the effort.

ETA: I know OP is not saying she will cut off her MIL or put up crazy boundaries, I am just referring to some of the advice given in this thread.

soxfan9968 · October 2015

I'm glad you've decided to accept the shower. I wouldn't say she's refusing to spend time with your family just yet. Maybe she'd feel uncomfortable inviting too many people to a co-shower?

In either case, I agree that you should be grateful that she's excited. My MIL has boundary issues and we don't exactly get along but I'm not stopping her from buying things for baby. She has already gone overboard and I don't like all her choices but a gift is a gift and I'm thankful. As long as she's not coming into your home and decorating your nursery for you, it's not a big deal. If she really wants to make BIG purchases I agree with advice you received early on, make a registry. Worst case scenario, if something is truly against what you want you can donate the gift to a woman's shelter for a baby that is really in need. This is your future MIL and someone you will be seeing for a LOOONG time, pick your battles. This isn't one I'd choose to fight about. Her excitement doesn't mean she's coming into your home and taking your baby.

kyraaD · October 2015

@kynbar5 I'm not upset about her being excited at all. I'm upset about the fact that she is kind of taking over my pregnancy & not considering me or my family, & also honestly has no interest in getting to know them or interacting with them. there is more to the story, but it isnt related to my pregnancy, so i didn't think i should write about it.

@ecwk i didnt feel you were being harsh either, ahah. thanks for the advice.

i also definitely do NOT plan on cutting her off or anything along those lines. just to make that clear incase anyone was thinking that's what i wanted. i just would like to know how i can ask her to start being a little more concious that there are things i or my family would like to do for the baby, & it's not all about her & her excitement.
her & my SO moved quite far from where the rest of their family lives, & for the past 10yrs they have only ever had to consider themselves. now my SO has asked me to marry him & i think they're both struggling a little with the whole "it's not just us anymore" thing.
anyways thanks for the advice ladies!! I appreciate getting so mant different opinions on how you all feel about the situation & hearing how you would handle it.

kynbar5 · October 2015

Just sit down and honestly talk to her. That's the best advice I can give. You're all adults.

llybeck · October 2015

@kyraaD but what is it that makes you think she's "taking over" your pregnancy? I think this is a situation where the rest of the story that isn't being told is influencing your feelings on this.

To be honest with you, your MIL doesn't need to get to know your family and doesn't need to make an effort to have a joint shower. If you would like her to meet your family, tell her that. Ask your mom if she would be willing to invite MIL to the shower she is throwing. It might not even be that she isn't interested, just that the easier option is to have them each throw their own. I am planning my BFF's baby shower with her mom and even that isn't the easiest! Sometimes it's better to just have them do their own thing. I just don't think you should jump to conclusions that she doesn't want anything to do with your family.

Just talk to you MIL about all of this. I don't see the issue but if there are other things going on besides just this, have a respectful, honest conversation with her. I can see how your SO and her having a relationship where it has been "just them" for a long time could be a bit of a strain on both of them. But they are going to have to get over that too. Just communicate well and try to be understanding.

flowerpower5838 · October 2015

@kyraaD As far as the whole getting to know your family thing goes, I'd take the reins on that myself ESPECIALLY if she doesn't have much family around anyway. She may not take the initiative here because she could feel that she is imposing or it's not her place or she really just might not have an interest in it, as you expect is the case.

This might be something to talk to your fiancé about, but I'd make sure to phrase it in a positive way. "Hey, I noticed that your mom and my mom haven't really gotten to know each other. Do you think your mom would like to do XYZ with all of us? Why don't you call and ask her about it." She might take it better from him than you? IDK for sure, but what I do know is that you and your fiancé are the ones that are going to have to make the effort here because honestly you are the ones bringing two families together.

Invite her to family stuff that lots of us take for granted since (from what you said) she doesn't seem to have much around. Think Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff, Sunday dinners, maybe even church if your family goes, etc. If she says no, then just drop it. I know it sucks, but not all families are close. My mom and MIL are friendly enough, but they certainly don't ever hang out if DH or I are not involved.

I just wanted to let you know that I did NOT think for a second that you were going to cut her off or anything, but a lot of times it is so much easier to take those "chip on a shoulder" pieces of advice since they usually fit our agendas a little more. Good luck OP!

cmerribury · October 2015

I want to preface this by saying that I have a very strained relationship with my MIL.

That said, I think you may be overreacting a little bit. She's your future MIL, so she's not going away. It doesn't seem like she's trying to overshadow you, she just sounds excited. I got a lot of gifts from family members that weren't what I would have picked, but they were purchased and given with the purest intentions, and that's an important thing to remember.

If she begins to really overstep boundaries (my MIL refers to herself as "Mommy" to my son, for instance) then I think it would be time to sit down with your future husband and establish a united front, then approach her together. However, I can say from experience that having a strained relationship with your MIL will not benefit either your marriage (you've already said that he's defensive, and of course he is, she's his mother) or any other family relationships. It would be in your best interest to take the high road, be appreciative, and grin and bear it as best you can unless it gets truly out of control.

Best of luck.

emjeve · October 2015

I understand the not wanting two baby showers. I didn't want two, but MIL LOVES to host things, so I ended up having two as well. It was annoying at first that she would not just co-host with my mom, but in the end it wasn't a big deal. After DD was born she did continue to insist that she host things - like DDs baptismal brunch and she even wanted to host DD's first bday party (I accepted the baptismal brunch, but I put my foot down on the bday party- that was something I wanted to host).

I would accept the second baby shower and enjoy it! And having her buy things is her way of expressing her excitement. If she bought you a random crib or something, that would be weird... But clothes, blankets, etc is nice. As PP stated, you can always donate/sell/regift items you don't want or need. Good luck!

kyraaD · October 2015

@flowerpower5838 thanks for the advice! i have tried to invite her to a Thanksgiving dinner that me & my SO threw. she told me she was doing her own Thanksgiving dinner but told me she still wanted to come to mine. she then sent a text to my SO & said she didnt want to come at all, & was just being polite when she told me she would. I've invited her to other little outings with my mother, myself, & my SO, but she's always refusing. so i think I'll take your advice & just drop it.
i was just really hoping to avoid the whole 2 Thanksgivings, 2 Christmases, etc. thing for my LO. i was really wanting to give him holidays with his whole family, apart from when we travel to Ontario to see SO's family.

flowerpower5838 · October 2015

kyraaD said:

@flowerpower5838 thanks for the advice! i have tried to invite her to a Thanksgiving dinner that me & my SO threw. she told me she was doing her own Thanksgiving dinner but told me she still wanted to come to mine. she then sent a text to my SO & said she didnt want to come at all, & was just being polite when she told me she would. I've invited her to other little outings with my mother, myself, & my SO, but she's always refusing. so i think I'll take your advice & just drop it. i was just really hoping to avoid the whole 2 Thanksgivings, 2 Christmases, etc. thing for my LO. i was really wanting to give him holidays with his whole family, apart from when we travel to Ontario to see SO's family.

Dh and I do the whole 2 of everything and it gets a little hectic but it's not awful. Thankfully our families live all of 5 miles from each other so I look forward to two Thanksgiving dinners lol. Don't forget that it's ok to start your OWN traditions if you want to. Deciding that you want to celebrate xmas or xmas eve or thanksgiving at your house instead of one of your parents might entice them to come to you - thus only once celebration!

SarahFoley725 · October 2015

kyraaD said:
@flowerpower5838 thanks for the advice! i have tried to invite her to a Thanksgiving dinner that me & my SO threw. she told me she was doing her own Thanksgiving dinner but told me she still wanted to come to mine. she then sent a text to my SO & said she didnt want to come at all, & was just being polite when she told me she would. I've invited her to other little outings with my mother, myself, & my SO, but she's always refusing. so i think I'll take your advice & just drop it.
i was just really hoping to avoid the whole 2 Thanksgivings, 2 Christmases, etc. thing for my LO. i was really wanting to give him holidays with his whole family, apart from when we travel to Ontario to see SO's family.

I'm sorry. That's pretty crappy and I understand how you feel. My MIL seems to think it takes us an hour to get to her....but 8 for her to get to us. She never wants to come visit but has always wanted to complain about not seeing her son often enough.

I would get on a schedule now. Thanksgiving with your family, Christmas with his and then switch. I personally feel like since this is their only grandchild they should let us celebrate in our home and come to us (it isnt very far) but it's honestly not feasible.

emjeve · October 2015

kyraaD said:
@flowerpower5838 thanks for the advice! i have tried to invite her to a Thanksgiving dinner that me & my SO threw. she told me she was doing her own Thanksgiving dinner but told me she still wanted to come to mine. she then sent a text to my SO & said she didnt want to come at all, & was just being polite when she told me she would. I've invited her to other little outings with my mother, myself, & my SO, but she's always refusing. so i think I'll take your advice & just drop it.
i was just really hoping to avoid the whole 2 Thanksgivings, 2 Christmases, etc. thing for my LO. i was really wanting to give him holidays with his whole family, apart from when we travel to Ontario to see SO's family.

I had to put a stop to this! My parents are divorced, so before we had kids, DH and I did 3 stops most holidays! It was insane! We live out of state now, so we don't go back for Holidays very often anymore, but when we do we pick one family to spend it with. It's too hard to jump around with kiddos!

smount2011 · October 2015

I have to agree with accepting her buying baby things. Its her way of showing excitement about baby coming. I have yet to see that from either of my MIL's or my own mother for that matter. Who has been the only one looking at/buying things? FIL. You can always return things you don't want, or make her keep those things at her house.

Although the second shower I would contest- but that is just me. I hate showers to begin with; to have to deal with 2 would be too stressful on me.

irenewslee · October 2015

Is your SO really close to his mother? DH is extremely close to his family so before we got married, we had a serious talk about the marriage being the TWO of us and if things happen between me and MIL, he cannot just side with his mom (vice versa), or this marriage will not work. He thought the talk was unnecessary at the time, but I explained to him how differently we were raised and how different our parents are. Things will happen at some point, and we both need to know what is expected of each other. I think it's better to talk about these things ahead of time (aka before getting married and before the baby comes). There will be lots of little things as you guys get closer to the wedding and when the baby comes (like who should be invited to the ceremony, how to hold or feed the baby, etc.)

I am sure he cares about your feelings but he also wants to protect his mom (especially if he's a mama's boy). Put this pregnancy and shower aside... talk to him about your relationship with each other, and with the extended family. We also had a pre-marriage counseling session with our pastor and he really helped to talk through some of these things. If you don't have a religious background, maybe ask around and see if people have any recommendation of a counselor. Of course check with your SO to see his view on this too.

flowerpower5838 · October 2015

@irenewslee This is great advice for everyone, even those of us that have been together/married for a bit. Thank you.

kyraaD · October 2015

charley15 said:
I have to agree with accepting her buying baby things. Its her way of showing excitement about baby coming. I have yet to see that from either of my MIL's or my own mother for that matter. Who has been the only one looking at/buying things? FIL. You can always return things you don't want, or make her keep those things at her house.
Although the second shower I would contest- but that is just me. I hate showers to begin with; to have to deal with 2 would be too stressful on me.

the thing with her buying things for LO is that she doesn't give them to us to take the load off. she is keeping them for herself. so i guess she can buy what she wants when it comes to things like baby clothes & whatnot. she's tried moving into big-ticket items like cribs & stuff but i put my foot down on some of it.
i guess since starting this thread I've realized that it's not her buying a bunch of stuff that's been bothering me. it's that she doesn't seem at all interested in trying to get to know my side of the family, despite me trying to include her. & that's not what i want for my LO.

@irenewslee yeah my SO is very family oriented, & because his mother dragged him away from his family back in Ontario, he has obviously become very close to her. i understand him being protective, but to a certain point, you know? i feel like her word has more weight than mine & it shouldn't be like that, especially if he wants to marry me. I'll definitely take your advice & try to sit down & talk with him about it like you did with your DH.

@flowerpower5838 yeah, i think starting new traditions would be the way to go! I'm only 21 so still trying to figure out how to do this whole "adult" thing, haha.

flowerpower5838 · October 2015

@kyraaD Girrrlllllll I am 28 and still figuring it out! It's definitely a learn as you go thing so don't sweat it!

Doxies4life · October 2015

I would say accept and be gracious, but be warned that this is setting a trend. I would set ground rules. I'm sure i'll get some flack for this response, but my thought is that this is a relationship that you will have for a long time as well as your child will have a relationship with MIL for a long time

llybeck · October 2015

There are definitely ways to work out having to split holidays so that it works for everyone and isn't a huge strain. My parents are the ones uncomfortable with going to DH's huge family gatherings. Part of it is that they want to have their own time with our family and part of it is that they both have really bad social anxiety. My feeling is that if that is not what they are okay with or not what they want to do, why should they be forced to just because I got married? So no one has hard feelings over it and both parents get to have their time. What we do is Christmas Eve is always DH's family, Christmas day is always my family and Easter and Thanksgiving we switch each year between the two (so does SIL with her ILs so we coordinate). The rest is easy to figure out. So try not to stress about that, you will figure it out.

maelic · October 2015

I mean, my (lovely) MIL has no relationship with my family because my family is in Italy. It's really not a big deal.

If she's rude to you, or dismissive, talk to your SO. But if she's just not interested in hanging out with your mom or your sister then I really don't see what the big deal is, they don't actually need to interact much at all. Ever. Not even at birthday parties.

Either do two Thanksgivings or decline politely to go to hers: "I'm sorry, we're hosting my family this year! You are more than welcome to join us or come over for dessert, whatever you prefer, we'd love to have you. Next year we can switch!" Done and done.

ClaireBear90 · October 2015

Having a shower where you don't know people is a little awkward, but really not that bad. My husband's company threw us a shower for our first and I didn't know anyone except for his boss and one coworker. It was a sweet gesture and very appreciated! And my husband was there for it . . . I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask for your fiance to be included if that would make you feel more comfortable.

As far as buying stuff goes: my MIL was/is sort of the same way. She went NUTS with our firstborn (also a first grandchild for both sides) and gave me so much stuff. If you really don't need/want everything she gives you, you are not obligated to keep it or use it. I think having a registry to point her toward would be helpful, but if she still goes crazy buying things you don't want, just quietly pass them along to a charity or someone who could use them. (I still do this after holidays and birthdays... my house would be a storage unit if I didn't!)

Give her a chance though and try to give her room to be excited in her own way. My relationship with my MIL went from being like an acquaintance (I only met her three times before I was engaged to her son!) to being like a second mom after my baby was born. She's a wonderful woman and I didn't really appreciate her fully until we had a tiny human in common and I saw how much she cared not just about my baby but also about me.

She has been a constant source of help and support, always just a phone call away. I hope this turns out to be the case for you too!

kitteh81 · October 2015

cmerribury said:
I want to preface this by saying that I have a very strained relationship with my MIL.

If she begins to really overstep boundaries (my MIL refers to herself as "Mommy" to my son, for instance) then I think it would be time to sit down with your future husband and establish a united front, then approach her together. l.

Best of luck.

Now THAT warrants some firm boundaries and ultimatums. Seriously, I don't even know what I would do if I had to deal with that kind of crazy.

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