I''m not even sure how to title this but I'm feeling pretty alone here

lizzybt · October 2015

As a background story my husband and I have been married for a little over a year now but we've been together for 6.5 years. Our relationship started when we were both broke college students living in his mom's house, we didn't have much of a sex life because a squeaky bed in his mom's small house kind of killed it for both of us, and he promised that when we got our own place the sex life would pick up. Fast forward a few years when we both got good paying careers and could finally move out, we had our place but things hadn't changed much, he was working a weird schedule where he was tired all of the time so I didn't really push it but I was becoming worried because my desire for sex decreased, it's like my body was getting used to not having sex and I had wondered if the same was happening to him. Fast forward a couple years later and his schedule is normal, has been for the last 6 months but he still claims he's tired. He initiates sex about once a month and I almost dread it because since it happens so infrequently it's almost painful to have sex, it's like I'm a virgin all over again. I've talked to him about why he doesn't want to have sex and have even accused him of not being attracted to me, which I know he is attracted to me because he shows it in other ways but I'm trying to get some sort of answer from him. He said he does want to have sex and I could initiate it too, and he makes a great point but here's the thing, I'm never in the mood for sex and I think it's because of all of these years I've gotten used to not having it. Now a few weeks ago we talked about seriously trying for a baby so I finished up my pills and we're all ready to go. But here's the problem, you need to have sex to have a baby and because all of our relationship he has hardly wanted to have sex with me I now feel like he is only having sex with me regularly just to have a baby, not because he wants to be intimate. Don't get me wrong, I know most couples sometimes have to pick up the pace with frequency of sex when they're trying but it almost seems forced because going from once a month to a few times a week is very unnatural and a dramatic change for what our "normal" is. From talking to friends it seems they are doing it once a week.This may sound dumb or super dramatic but I almost want an insemination just to avoid the blurred lines and hurt feelings. At least I would know with insemination we would get the desired result of getting pregnant without the "chore" of having more frequent that usual sex. I've already said this to my husband but he doesn't seem to have much of an answer for me and doesn't seem to get why I feel so alone. I'd rather not air our dirty laundry out to our friends who know us because I don't want them to think poorly of him and also, I'm embarrassed by our sex life, it hardly seems normal. Thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

I don't understand? :-??

You complain that you don't have a lot of sex. Then you decide to TTC & sex gets a boost-- problem solved?

What does your husband say about the feeling that he's only having sex with you more often to make a baby?

That would offend me if my partner accused me of "a means to an end" when I tried to fix the sex frequency issue. Maybe he just is making more of an effort because he knows it bothers you & it has nothing to do with TTC?

Your post sounds very, I can't describe it-- wishy-washy? Nit-picky? You wanted more sex & now you have more sex. What is the REAL issue?

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

PS-- even TTC if my husband & I have the energy (and neither of us is sick or interrupted by the kids) for twice a week-- we are calling it a win. I'm not sure if you are being realistic about expectations.

TheBorg7of9 · October 2015

lizzybt said:
As a background story my husband and I have been married for a little over a year now but we've been together for 6.5 years. Our relationship started when we were both broke college students living in his mom's house, we didn't have much of a sex life because a squeaky bed in his mom's small house kind of killed it for both of us, and he promised that when we got our own place the sex life would pick up. Fast forward a few years when we both got good paying careers and could finally move out, we had our place but things hadn't changed much, he was working a weird schedule where he was tired all of the time so I didn't really push it but I was becoming worried because my desire for sex decreased, it's like my body was getting used to not having sex and I had wondered if the same was happening to him. Fast forward a couple years later and his schedule is normal, has been for the last 6 months but he still claims he's tired. He initiates sex about once a month and I almost dread it because since it happens so infrequently it's almost painful to have sex, it's like I'm a virgin all over again. I've talked to him about why he doesn't want to have sex and have even accused him of not being attracted to me, which I know he is attracted to me because he shows it in other ways but I'm trying to get some sort of answer from him. He said he does want to have sex and I could initiate it too, and he makes a great point but here's the thing, I'm never in the mood for sex and I think it's because of all of these years I've gotten used to not having it. Now a few weeks ago we talked about seriously trying for a baby so I finished up my pills and we're all ready to go. But here's the problem, you need to have sex to have a baby and because all of our relationship he has hardly wanted to have sex with me I now feel like he is only having sex with me regularly just to have a baby, not because he wants to be intimate. Don't get me wrong, I know most couples sometimes have to pick up the pace with frequency of sex when they're trying but it almost seems forced because going from once a month to a few times a week is very unnatural and a dramatic change for what our "normal" is. From talking to friends it seems they are doing it once a week.This may sound dumb or super dramatic but I almost want an insemination just to avoid the blurred lines and hurt feelings. At least I would know with insemination we would get the desired result of getting pregnant without the "chore" of having more frequent that usual sex. I've already said this to my husband but he doesn't seem to have much of an answer for me and doesn't seem to get why I feel so alone. I'd rather not air our dirty laundry out to our friends who know us because I don't want them to think poorly of him and also, I'm embarrassed by our sex life, it hardly seems normal. Thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

I understand exactly where you are coming from. And I have two pieces of advice. First, your husband should see a doctor. Preferably a urologist who specializes in infertility to be tested for low testosterone. The test should be done first thing in the morning. I know he probably won't want to go, but if you ever want this to change...

Second, if you learn to track your fertile signs (cm, opks, and temps), you don't need to increase your frequency of sex because you'll know which day you are most fertile and can just have sex on that day. It worked for me. With my third pregnancy, we had sex one time in the whole month. And with my fourth, we only had sex twice in that month. You only need one day, if it's the right day.

Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni W. And do the tutorials on fertility friend.com to learn how.

Good luck!

Hummingbird125 · October 2015

Busy at work, so this will be a shorter response than what I'd like to write but here is how I'm reading this:

- You have never been totally happy with your sex life.

- You (both?) decided that you wanted to TTC.

- You wanted to have sex with your H more often.

- Your H now initiates sex with you more often.

- Although you both a) want to have sex more and b) want to get pregnant, you are unhappy that your H is initiating more often, because you think it is only because he wants a baby, and not because he wants to have sex with you.

My thoughts?

You should put a hold on TTC and have a serious talk with your H about your sex life. Figure that out and make sure you can communicate about it and come to some sort of resolution that you are both happy with before moving forward with trying for a baby, I don't think wanting to be artificially inseminated to avoid having sex with your husband to "avoid hurt feelings" is a healthy way of thinking.

lizzybt · October 2015

I'm complaining because the only reason why our sex life is increasing if because of TTC, otherwise it would go back to normal. Believe me, he isn't doing this because I said something. I've been saying something for the past 6 years and nothing has changed. If anything I feel like the stereotypical relationship but reverse, like I'm the guy and he is the woman and I want sex and he doesn't. I don't know how else to explain it, it's like he is only having sex with me for a baby and then he is for lack of better words "done with me" I want to have sex for intimacy reason not just to procreate. I don't really feel like I'm winning here with more sex because the increase in sex is agenda based only. Make sense?

lizzybt · October 2015

Thank you, your response was helpful!

blackgirlmagic · October 2015

Hello. My situation is a little different then yours, but I wanted to show some support. My husband and I only had sex about three times a week, if that, before we started trying for a baby. And it was only so frequent because I just gave in. When I was on the pill my sex drive was pretty low. I was cool with having it once a week. My husband on the other hand could have sex everyday if it was his choice. Coming off the pill and officially trying my sex drive went up some. But a lot of the time I was having sex because I had a goal of getting pregnant. The next two months is when I actually started enjoying and wanting to have sex just for the hell of it. And if we got a baby from it then even better. But this month I was not into all that much. Having sex during my FW was strictly a business deal of trying to have baby. It's sad but I am sure I am not the only one that goes through that every now and then. Try and be positive and be happy that you husband is having sex with you. I would look at that as winning. Sex is not always going to be like the movies and be hot and heavy. You went from basically have no sex to having sex. You all will find your grove eventually. Good luck.

dixie7701 · October 2015

Holy wall of text....

I'm not sure that I really understand the problem other than you can't seem to be happy with lots of sex and you're not happy when you're not having sex.

If he's making the effort to have more sex because you guys want a baby you're just going to have to learn how to deal with the feelings that come with that. Talk it out with your husband or with a counselor or whatever, but it needs to be dealt with before you bring a baby into the picture.

Sex is a huge part of a marriage. I've seen marriages end over lack of sex. I'm not saying that's the case, but if the sudden change in sexual activity is causing you emotional distress that needs to be addressed.

P.S. - Try some lube - that should help with the painfulness

lizzybt · October 2015

Thanks, it's cetainly does not feel healthy

LoveIsOwlYouNeed · October 2015

I'm a little confused because I can't tell if you're not satisfied with how often you have sex in general or just in relation to having a baby. Putting the baby aside: do you wish you and your DH had sex more often? Because that's something larger than just how it relates to TTC. I am just trying to figure out if there's a larger issue at hand here.

Is it possible that either you, your husband or both of you are asexual? This is a real thing, marked by an indifference to sex. Regardless, I can't help but wonder if there is something deeper attributing to this aversion to sex on both your parts. It really sounds like you'd benefit from some counseling or professional help if you're feeling so alone over this. And maybe this isn't the time to be bringing a child into the mix, although I'm not sure by the above what the rest of your marriage looks like.

Also, please don't focus on "normal." There is no "normal" because people and couples are different. There are some couples who go at it like rabbits and some who have sex once a month. What's usually the key point is that it's satisfying both people in the relationship. So again, it's really about what you want and if you're not satisfied in your relationship, for any reason, you might want to find someone who can assist you with that.

lizzybt · October 2015

My issue is that we hardly ever had sex, which wasn't really desirable for me but I wasn't going to force my husband to have sex if he was tired. And now that we are trying to TTC he is doing what he should be doing, having more sex. But as I've mentioned, he is only having more sex for the baby agenda, not for intimacy. Like I'm being used or something, because otherwise if we were not TTC then things would go back to a once of month type of thing.

LoveIsOwlYouNeed said:

I'm a little confused because I can't tell if you're not satisfied with how often you have sex in general or just in relation to having a baby. Putting the baby aside: do you wish you and your DH had sex more often? Because that's something larger than just how it relates to TTC. I am just trying to figure out if there's a larger issue at hand here.

Is it possible that either you, your husband or both of you are asexual? This is a real thing, marked by an indifference to sex. Regardless, I can't help but wonder if there is something deeper attributing to this aversion to sex on both your parts. It really sounds like you'd benefit from some counseling or professional help if you're feeling so alone over this. And maybe this isn't the time to be bringing a child into the mix, although I'm not sure by the above what the rest of your marriage looks like.

Also, please don't focus on "normal." There is no "normal" because people and couples are different. There are some couples who go at it like rabbits and some who have sex once a month. What's usually the key point is that it's satisfying both people in the relationship. So again, it's really about what you want and if you're not satisfied in your relationship, for any reason, you might want to find someone who can assist you with that.

blackgirlmagic · October 2015

How do you know he is only having sex with you for a baby? It could have been like that for the first week or so and then he could have realized that he likes or loves the feeling of having sex and just wants more or it. You could be over analyzing everything.

lizzybt · October 2015

I would have been happy with a lot of sex if that is what the norm was for us, I feel like he is only having sex with me more often for a baby, while that is the main goal it would be nice to know he would like have to have sex with me to be intimate with his beautiful wife but our past sex life suggests otherwise

dixie7701 said:

Holy wall of text....
I'm not sure that I really understand the problem other than you can't seem to be happy with lots of sex and you're not happy when you're not having sex.
If he's making the effort to have more sex because you guys want a baby you're just going to have to learn how to deal with the feelings that come with that. Talk it out with your husband or with a counselor or whatever, but it needs to be dealt with before you bring a baby into the picture.
Sex is a huge part of a marriage. I've seen marriages end over lack of sex. I'm not saying that's the case, but if the sudden change in sexual activity is causing you emotional distress that needs to be addressed.

P.S. - Try some lube - that should help with the painfulness

lizzybt · October 2015

Thank you so much!

TheBorg7of9 said:

As a background story my husband and I have been married for a little over a year now but we've been together for 6.5 years. Our relationship started when we were both broke college students living in his mom's house, we didn't have much of a sex life because a squeaky bed in his mom's small house kind of killed it for both of us, and he promised that when we got our own place the sex life would pick up. Fast forward a few years when we both got good paying careers and could finally move out, we had our place but things hadn't changed much, he was working a weird schedule where he was tired all of the time so I didn't really push it but I was becoming worried because my desire for sex decreased, it's like my body was getting used to not having sex and I had wondered if the same was happening to him. Fast forward a couple years later and his schedule is normal, has been for the last 6 months but he still claims he's tired. He initiates sex about once a month and I almost dread it because since it happens so infrequently it's almost painful to have sex, it's like I'm a virgin all over again. I've talked to him about why he doesn't want to have sex and have even accused him of not being attracted to me, which I know he is attracted to me because he shows it in other ways but I'm trying to get some sort of answer from him. He said he does want to have sex and I could initiate it too, and he makes a great point but here's the thing, I'm never in the mood for sex and I think it's because of all of these years I've gotten used to not having it. Now a few weeks ago we talked about seriously trying for a baby so I finished up my pills and we're all ready to go. But here's the problem, you need to have sex to have a baby and because all of our relationship he has hardly wanted to have sex with me I now feel like he is only having sex with me regularly just to have a baby, not because he wants to be intimate. Don't get me wrong, I know most couples sometimes have to pick up the pace with frequency of sex when they're trying but it almost seems forced because going from once a month to a few times a week is very unnatural and a dramatic change for what our "normal" is. From talking to friends it seems they are doing it once a week.This may sound dumb or super dramatic but I almost want an insemination just to avoid the blurred lines and hurt feelings. At least I would know with insemination we would get the desired result of getting pregnant without the "chore" of having more frequent that usual sex. I've already said this to my husband but he doesn't seem to have much of an answer for me and doesn't seem to get why I feel so alone. I'd rather not air our dirty laundry out to our friends who know us because I don't want them to think poorly of him and also, I'm embarrassed by our sex life, it hardly seems normal. Thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
I understand exactly where you are coming from. And I have two pieces of advice. First, your husband should see a doctor. Preferably a urologist who specializes in infertility to be tested for low testosterone. The test should be done first thing in the morning. I know he probably won't want to go, but if you ever want this to change... Second, if you learn to track your fertile signs (cm, opks, and temps), you don't need to increase your frequency of sex because you'll know which day you are most fertile and can just have sex on that day. It worked for me. With my third pregnancy, we had sex one time in the whole month. And with my fourth, we only had sex twice in that month. You only need one day, if it's the right day. Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni W. And do the tutorials on fertility friend.com to learn how. Good luck!

housewifehobbyist · October 2015

I'm going to add something to address just the relationship/sex issue, which may lead to better TTC sex. It sounds to me like this has a big psychological component where you are wanting to feel sexually desired by your husband, and he is meeting the sex need, but not the need to be sexually desired.

I think both of you should start showing physical, sexual signs of affection to eachother without the pressure of necessarily requiring full on penetrative sex. A few steamy makeout sessions might help you reconnect in a sexual way without the pressure of needing to "complete the process".

dixie7701 · October 2015

@lizzybt

You guys really need to work together to sort out your intimacy issues before you stress about TTC. Having a baby puts a lot of pressure and stress on a marriage/relationship.

I realize that my reply came across a little bitchy and I didn't intend for it to. I'm sorry about that!

lizzybt · October 2015

I don't believe I am over analyzing, because first of all it was my TOM last week and we only had sex this past Sunday. But I've been with him for 6.5 years and I was not his first sexual encounter, for someone who has been having sex for 12 years of his life (6.5 half of them with me) I'm sure he did not just figure out this week that he likes the feeling of sex. But thanks!

BeachTigress said:

How do you know he is only having sex with you for a baby? It could have been like that for the first week or so and then he could have realized that he likes or loves the feeling of having sex and just wants more or it. You could be over analyzing everything.

LoveIsOwlYouNeed · October 2015

lizzybt said:

My issue is that we hardly ever had sex, which wasn't really desirable for me but I wasn't going to force my husband to have sex if he was tired. And now that we are trying to TTC he is doing what he should be doing, having more sex. But as I've mentioned, he is only having more sex for the baby agenda, not for intimacy. Like I'm being used or something, because otherwise if we were not TTC then things would go back to a once of month type of thing.

LoveIsOwlYouNeed said:

I'm a little confused because I can't tell if you're not satisfied with how often you have sex in general or just in relation to having a baby. Putting the baby aside: do you wish you and your DH had sex more often? Because that's something larger than just how it relates to TTC. I am just trying to figure out if there's a larger issue at hand here.

Is it possible that either you, your husband or both of you are asexual? This is a real thing, marked by an indifference to sex. Regardless, I can't help but wonder if there is something deeper attributing to this aversion to sex on both your parts. It really sounds like you'd benefit from some counseling or professional help if you're feeling so alone over this. And maybe this isn't the time to be bringing a child into the mix, although I'm not sure by the above what the rest of your marriage looks like.

Also, please don't focus on "normal." There is no "normal" because people and couples are different. There are some couples who go at it like rabbits and some who have sex once a month. What's usually the key point is that it's satisfying both people in the relationship. So again, it's really about what you want and if you're not satisfied in your relationship, for any reason, you might want to find someone who can assist you with that.

In that case, I stand by my above statement that I think you should seek out professional help to see what is causing his low sex drive. And maybe put TTC on the back burner for a while because it sounds like this needs some attention for both your sake.

lizzybt · October 2015

I agree, I've felt like holding off on TTC. But at the same time months before we began TTC I have gotten used to our barely existent sex life and have come to terms with it, I stopped badgering him about it and began to accept him and our sex life for what it is. But now the TTC opened up a new can of worms.

dixie7701 said:

@lizzybt
You guys really need to work together to sort out your intimacy issues before you stress about TTC. Having a baby puts a lot of pressure and stress on a marriage/relationship.
I realize that my reply came across a little bitchy and I didn't intend for it to. I'm sorry about that!

0SeaMonkey0 · October 2015

PrimRoseMama said:
I don't understand? :-??

You complain that you don't have a lot of sex. Then you decide to TTC & sex gets a boost-- problem solved?

What does your husband say about the feeling that he's only having sex with you more often to make a baby?

That would offend me if my partner accused me of "a means to an end" when I tried to fix the sex frequency issue. Maybe he just is making more of an effort because he knows it bothers you & it has nothing to do with TTC?

Your post sounds very, I can't describe it-- wishy-washy? Nit-picky? You wanted more sex & now you have more sex. What is the REAL issue?

This comes off as a really mean response to someone who needs support right now. I TOTALLY get her feelings and her concerns. If you don't, maybe you should just a scroll by. You don't have to have a say on everything.

blackgirlmagic · October 2015

lizzybt said:

I don't believe I am over analyzing, because first of all it was my TOM last week and we only had sex this past Sunday. But I've been with him for 6.5 years and I was not his first sexual encounter, for someone who has been having sex for 12 years of his life (6.5 half of them with me) I'm sure he did not just figure out this week that he likes the feeling of sex. But thanks!

BeachTigress said:

How do you know he is only having sex with you for a baby? It could have been like that for the first week or so and then he could have realized that he likes or loves the feeling of having sex and just wants more or it. You could be over analyzing everything.

The only reason why I said that was because people can go through ups and downs with sex. Your sex life is not always going to stay at the same peace. Some people go through peaks and valleys. Just sit down and have an open and honest conversation with him about what you would like your sex life to be like. And talk about what you BOTH can do to have to better, enjoyable sex life.

ETA: to add more words

lizzybt · October 2015

I wanted more sex in the past because my husband should want to get intimate with me, you know, do what normal couples do, not JUST because he wants to have a baby. That's my complaint

0SeaMonkey0 said:

I don't understand? :-?? You complain that you don't have a lot of sex. Then you decide to TTC & sex gets a boost-- problem solved? What does your husband say about the feeling that he's only having sex with you more often to make a baby? That would offend me if my partner accused me of "a means to an end" when I tried to fix the sex frequency issue. Maybe he just is making more of an effort because he knows it bothers you & it has nothing to do with TTC? Your post sounds very, I can't describe it-- wishy-washy? Nit-picky? You wanted more sex & now you have more sex. What is the REAL issue?
This comes off as a really mean response to someone who needs support right now. I TOTALLY get her feelings and her concerns. If you don't, maybe you should just a scroll by. You don't have to have a say on everything.

lizzybt · October 2015

Thank you BeachTigress said:

lizzybt said:

I don't believe I am over analyzing, because first of all it was my TOM last week and we only had sex this past Sunday. But I've been with him for 6.5 years and I was not his first sexual encounter, for someone who has been having sex for 12 years of his life (6.5 half of them with me) I'm sure he did not just figure out this week that he likes the feeling of sex. But thanks!

BeachTigress said:

How do you know he is only having sex with you for a baby? It could have been like that for the first week or so and then he could have realized that he likes or loves the feeling of having sex and just wants more or it. You could be over analyzing everything.

The only reason why I said that was because people can go through ups and downs with sex. Your sex life is not always going to stay at the same peace. Some people go through peaks and valleys. Just sit down and have an open and honest conversation with him about what you would like your sex life to be like. And talk about what you BOTH can do to have to better, enjoyable sex life.

ETA: to add more words

lizzybt · October 2015

Thank you 0Sea Monkey0 I wasn't looking for hateful or the obvious response, like I received from this lady.
0SeaMonkey0 said:

I don't understand? :-?? You complain that you don't have a lot of sex. Then you decide to TTC & sex gets a boost-- problem solved? What does your husband say about the feeling that he's only having sex with you more often to make a baby? That would offend me if my partner accused me of "a means to an end" when I tried to fix the sex frequency issue. Maybe he just is making more of an effort because he knows it bothers you & it has nothing to do with TTC? Your post sounds very, I can't describe it-- wishy-washy? Nit-picky? You wanted more sex & now you have more sex. What is the REAL issue?
This comes off as a really mean response to someone who needs support right now. I TOTALLY get her feelings and her concerns. If you don't, maybe you should just a scroll by. You don't have to have a say on everything.

BostonBaby1 · October 2015

I truly think your DH should be tested for low-T and that you both should go to couple's therapy. Possible also individual therapy too. There are a lot of dynamics at play here and therapy no longer comes with a stigma attached.

*typo

tripledaggerWed95976 · October 2015

I don't fully understand the whole post so I will just comment on the part I relate to. In terms of having sex more whilst TTC- I think that's normal. It was definitely the case or my husband and I. If it were me I wouldn't overthink that part, since it is totally understandable (and many times necessary) to increase the frequency of sex while TTC.

0SeaMonkey0 · October 2015

I totally completely understand what you're going through. I get not being happy with only having sex once a month but I also know that there is absolutely no worse feeling in the world than thinking that someone is having sex with you because they have to, not because they want to.

I've been through this. Here's the best advice I can think of: take it slow. Work on slowly increasing the amount of sex you have just for fun. I know that totally sucks because you want a baby tomorrow but it will take time and I 100% guarantee you that forcing yourselves to have sex when you're not enjoying it is going to wreak havoc on your relationship and emotional wellbeing. I firmly believe that there is a component of habit to put sex lives and that you don't need to jump to the conclusion of medical problems rift away. First you need to try just getting used to having sex more often.

Try initiating sex or even just intimacy (you don't have to go all the way every time) whenever you think might be a good time. After a little while, you may find that you're initiating twice a week and actually having sex once but at least make sure you're enjoying it! Once you get into a better pattern, you can work on initiating more frequently during your FW and then work up to being a little more pushy on really important days.

Our situation was different but DH and I went through similar feelings of being "used" trying to conceive #1. I have PCOS and irregular cycles and I wasn't temping to track ovulation so we were trying to have sex ED or EOD for weeks on end and it was just too much but we were putting so much pressure on each other. It sucks and it's not healthy.

It sounds like you and you husband communicate about sex which is really good! Keep working with that, be patient, keep trying and, try not to get mad at him for not wanting sex. There's always another time and another month. It will happen.

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

0SeaMonkey0 said:

I don't understand? :-?? You complain that you don't have a lot of sex. Then you decide to TTC & sex gets a boost-- problem solved? What does your husband say about the feeling that he's only having sex with you more often to make a baby? That would offend me if my partner accused me of "a means to an end" when I tried to fix the sex frequency issue. Maybe he just is making more of an effort because he knows it bothers you & it has nothing to do with TTC? Your post sounds very, I can't describe it-- wishy-washy? Nit-picky? You wanted more sex & now you have more sex. What is the REAL issue?
This comes off as a really mean response to someone who needs support right now. I TOTALLY get her feelings and her concerns. If you don't, maybe you should just a scroll by. You don't have to have a say on everything.

@0seakmonkey0 : I was unaware that asking for more information was considered "unsupportive". Just because I don't pet her hair the minute she posts doesn't mean that I am not allowed to comment. If you don't care for my post, perhaps YOU should scroll by. I was simply asking for more information. Her post was confusing to me and I'm not exactly sure she is clear on what she wants.

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

oh give me a break with this "hateful" nonsense. I was asking for clarification. Nothing I said was remotely hateful in any sense. Are you kidding me?

jhems776 · October 2015

I can understand your issue for the most part. Before TTC we were the 1-4x a month couple and I was the one who wanted more. You want more sex and now that you have it but it kind of feels like a let down because you are unsure if it is because he wants you or a baby. I do think that he doesn't know why he doesn't want sex more. I cannot count how many fights and tears we have had over this same issue. Before TTC we were on almost a year upswing and purposefully increased the amount before coming off BCPs. Every person and relationship is different in that department, I know I hated the advise of "just put on a sexy outfit", yep you have never been told no in lingerie and then be told he just wanted to cuddle on the couch. My H does not have any ED problems. He says he doesn't really know why and after a lot of talking there were only two things that he knew were true: he just doesn't think about it much and often his back and knees hurt. In our cause more sex leads to more sex and for him he got into more when a day ahead of time I want it, I know some guys that would be too much pressure but for him he would get excited for it. Hopefully the extra from TTC will lead to more non TTC. Good luck!

chanfa · October 2015

Before TTC, my husband and I would have sex maybe once or twice every 2 weeks. I don't know what your expectations are for a "normal" couple. I would consider my relationship with him as normal and neither of us have experience the same worries or issues as you currently feel right now.

I would definitely echo some of the PPs and talk openly with your husband about your relationship in regards to sex and leave out the whole TTC part. Right now, we are all unsure of what your husbands actual movtiations are and only he can tell you what they are. It takes both of you guys to get pregnant and if you are having trouble talking about this now, you really need to work it out before throwing a third into the mix.

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

lizzybt said:

I wanted more sex in the past because my husband should want to get intimate with me, you know, do what normal couples do, not JUST because he wants to have a baby. That's my complaint

0SeaMonkey0 said:

I don't understand? :-?? You complain that you don't have a lot of sex. Then you decide to TTC & sex gets a boost-- problem solved? What does your husband say about the feeling that he's only having sex with you more often to make a baby? That would offend me if my partner accused me of "a means to an end" when I tried to fix the sex frequency issue. Maybe he just is making more of an effort because he knows it bothers you & it has nothing to do with TTC? Your post sounds very, I can't describe it-- wishy-washy? Nit-picky? You wanted more sex & now you have more sex. What is the REAL issue?
This comes off as a really mean response to someone who needs support right now. I TOTALLY get her feelings and her concerns. If you don't, maybe you should just a scroll by. You don't have to have a say on everything.

@lizzybt : you seem very concerned with what is "normal" for other couples. I hear that you want your husband to desire you. That's not a crime and I understand that completely. However, nothing you've said indicates that he doesn't desire you? That's where I'm confused. Your husband has sex with you on the regular now. Is it mechanical? Does he seem warm and attentive when you engage in sex? I'm really not trying to be unsupportive. I honestly don't see where you think he's just having sex with you to make a baby? Perhaps he heard you and wants to make sex a more routine thing for the good of your marriage?

As others have said, he could have low testosterone or depression. There are a number of things that can zap desire. My response was not meant to be tone deaf or lacking in sympathy, but at the same time-- the wall of text seemed to indicate that you are dissatisfied no matter what your husband does and that is not fair to him. Do you see where I'm coming from here? You were unhappy with sex prior to TTC. Now you are STILL unhappy with more frequent sex.

If TTC were off the table, do you think he would still have as much sex with you? Have you asked him?

riri111 · October 2015

I just want to send you virtual hugs!! I'm sorry you're feeling this and I hope you and your husband are able to resolve it. I don't have specific advice, but I do want to let you know I understand what you're saying. Hugs again!!

0SeaMonkey0 · October 2015

PrimRoseMama said:

0SeaMonkey0 said:

PrimRoseMama said:
I don't understand? :-??

You complain that you don't have a lot of sex. Then you decide to TTC & sex gets a boost-- problem solved?

What does your husband say about the feeling that he's only having sex with you more often to make a baby?

That would offend me if my partner accused me of "a means to an end" when I tried to fix the sex frequency issue. Maybe he just is making more of an effort because he knows it bothers you & it has nothing to do with TTC?

Your post sounds very, I can't describe it-- wishy-washy? Nit-picky? You wanted more sex & now you have more sex. What is the REAL issue?
This comes off as a really mean response to someone who needs support right now. I TOTALLY get her feelings and her concerns. If you don't, maybe you should just a scroll by. You don't have to have a say on everything.

@0seakmonkey0 : I was unaware that asking for more information was considered "unsupportive". Just because I don't pet her hair the minute she posts doesn't mean that I am not allowed to comment. If you don't care for my post, perhaps YOU should scroll by. I was simply asking for more information. Her post was confusing to me and I'm not exactly sure she is clear on what she wants.

As with many situations in life, it's not about what you said but how you said it. I read your reply and it made me feel really sad for OP. Your response lacked sensitivity and really devalued her feelings. That was not necessary. Judging by your response, her situation is not something that you have experienced or can relate to. In that case, leave it to those of us who can. Be kind.

lizzybt · October 2015

Thank you soo soo much! I wish I could hug you right now! I had to shut my office door because I am balling it feels amazing for someone to finally get me!

0SeaMonkey0 said:

I totally completely understand what you're going through. I get not being happy with only having sex once a month but I also know that there is absolutely no worse feeling in the world than thinking that someone is having sex with you because they have to, not because they want to. I've been through this. Here's the best advice I can think of: take it slow. Work on slowly increasing the amount of sex you have just for fun. I know that totally sucks because you want a baby tomorrow but it will take time and I 100% guarantee you that forcing yourselves to have sex when you're not enjoying it is going to wreak havoc on your relationship and emotional wellbeing. I firmly believe that there is a component of habit to put sex lives and that you don't need to jump to the conclusion of medical problems rift away. First you need to try just getting used to having sex more often. Try initiating sex or even just intimacy (you don't have to go all the way every time) whenever you think might be a good time. After a little while, you may find that you're initiating twice a week and actually having sex once but at least make sure you're enjoying it! Once you get into a better pattern, you can work on initiating more frequently during your FW and then work up to being a little more pushy on really important days. Our situation was different but DH and I went through similar feelings of being "used" trying to conceive #1. I have PCOS and irregular cycles and I wasn't temping to track ovulation so we were trying to have sex ED or EOD for weeks on end and it was just too much but we were putting so much pressure on each other. It sucks and it's not healthy. It sounds like you and you husband communicate about sex which is really good! Keep working with that, be patient, keep trying and, try not to get mad at him for not wanting sex. There's always another time and another month. It will happen.

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

0SeaMonkey0 said:

0SeaMonkey0 said:

I don't understand? :-?? You complain that you don't have a lot of sex. Then you decide to TTC & sex gets a boost-- problem solved? What does your husband say about the feeling that he's only having sex with you more often to make a baby? That would offend me if my partner accused me of "a means to an end" when I tried to fix the sex frequency issue. Maybe he just is making more of an effort because he knows it bothers you & it has nothing to do with TTC? Your post sounds very, I can't describe it-- wishy-washy? Nit-picky? You wanted more sex & now you have more sex. What is the REAL issue?
This comes off as a really mean response to someone who needs support right now. I TOTALLY get her feelings and her concerns. If you don't, maybe you should just a scroll by. You don't have to have a say on everything.

@0seakmonkey0 : I was unaware that asking for more information was considered "unsupportive". Just because I don't pet her hair the minute she posts doesn't mean that I am not allowed to comment. If you don't care for my post, perhaps YOU should scroll by. I was simply asking for more information. Her post was confusing to me and I'm not exactly sure she is clear on what she wants.
As with many situations in life, it's not about what you said but how you said it. I read your reply and it made me feel really sad for OP. Your response lacked sensitivity and really devalued her feelings. That was not necessary. Judging by your response, her situation is not something that you have experienced or can relate to. In that case, leave it to those of us who can. Be kind.

------

Except you can't read TONE on the internet. You have no idea what exactly I was getting at. I didn't call her names or mock her. I simply told her how her post came across to me. Just like you are doing-- I'm not chastising you for calling me "mean" or "unkind". Also, you can't tell folks how they should respond on the internet. I don't care for the finger-wagging. I was not at all unkind. Her post was confusing and I said so.

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

@0seamonkey0 : Also, isn't it ironic that you are calling me mean etc. then telling me I should be "kind"? It reminds me of the newbies that go off about how we should all be supportive and stuff-- then go BSC with the name calling etc. Practice what you preach. I may be straightforward, blunt etc. but at least I'm consistent. Your post finger wagging me and calling me mean was not at all kind.

lizzybt · October 2015

Thank you, I'm so glad I'm not alone. My husband is very sensitive and trying to help but he doesn't know how. Hell, I don't know how. I mean you can't really fix 6.5 years of lack of sex over night. It will take time to get in the habit of having/wanting sex again. Of course now it just feels like another agenda, work on non TTC sex in hopes to work up to better feelings about lots of TTC sex. Gosh!

jhems776 said:

I can understand your issue for the most part. Before TTC we were the 1-4x a month couple and I was the one who wanted more. You want more sex and now that you have it but it kind of feels like a let down because you are unsure if it is because he wants you or a baby. I do think that he doesn't know why he doesn't want sex more. I cannot count how many fights and tears we have had over this same issue. Before TTC we were on almost a year upswing and purposefully increased the amount before coming off BCPs. Every person and relationship is different in that department, I know I hated the advise of "just put on a sexy outfit", yep you have never been told no in lingerie and then be told he just wanted to cuddle on the couch. My H does not have any ED problems. He says he doesn't really know why and after a lot of talking there were only two things that he knew were true: he just doesn't think about it much and often his back and knees hurt. In our cause more sex leads to more sex and for him he got into more when a day ahead of time I want it, I know some guys that would be too much pressure but for him he would get excited for it. Hopefully the extra from TTC will lead to more non TTC. Good luck!

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

@0seamonkey0 : Yeah, you have no idea what my personal situation is with regards to sex frequency. Please don't assume at all. That's why clarification questions are necessary. Actually, my husband and I struggle with sex frequency. Between the kids' demands, my pain problems, his work/travel schedule and more-- I get wanting to have more sex. Breast feeding KILLED my sex drive and so I felt like I was just going through the sexual motions. Nothing makes me more upset than when someone comes onto a post finger-wagging and white-knighting for no good reason. I didn't say anything about my own ability to relate to @lizzybt . NONE. You pulled that out of thin air and THAT is insensitive, lacking in compassion and not at all respectful of my situation.

I asked some questions in a way you felt was not compassionate. I disagree and feel that you were very quick to jump to WK. Asking for information sake does not equal lacking in sensitivity. It is asking for the bare information so that I can respond further. Please do NOT internet-nanny me with out knowing the details then jump to calling ME mean and unsympathetic. I've been responding to posts with truck-loads of compassion for quite some time. Just because I didn't jump right to the platitudes straight out of the gate does NOT mean I don't empathize with the OP. You just have to let me get more information to respond.

jhems776 · October 2015

One other thought, I know our frequency issue will be a forever issue and we will always work on it and it will never go away and I feel fully confident in our TTC. If you are supposed to wait till your relationship is perfect very few would TTC, just as long as divorce is not a thought.

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