Feeling sad and isolated. Anyone else?

chloe97 · October 2015

H and I were married in August and decided to try right away because I am 36. Well to our surprise we got the BFP our first month of trying. We are both happy because this is what we anted, but I feel like my life just took a big shift that I am not sure I am ready for.

We live in an urban setting and have a mix of couple and single friends ages 30-45 and having kids is just like something that you do eventually, but no one (except us) seems to be in any sort of a rush. I got my BFP on Friday night and of course Saturday night we had plans to watch the Cubs game at a bar. Walking through the bar scene completely sober, I felt like my life as I knew it was ending and it made me really sad. Trying to hide the fact that my drinks were club soda and lemon without the vodka was stressful, I just wish that I could talk about it, but we are so early on (3 weeks 6 days) that I don't even want to tell my mom or my bffs in case I get my period this week.

I was crying to H last night and he was like "this is the happiest time in our lives, you should be happy!" and even though I know this is what I want and that I will be thrilled when we are further along and know that things are okay, I just am not excited yet. Being pregnant has sped up our conversations about moving to a bigger place and we are in disagreement about where to move (city or suburbs) and whether to buy or rent (we own now). I am anticipating a ton of fights as we try to figure out our living situation and I know that it will be the FIRST thing our parents will bring up when we tell them- making it more stressful. And then I feel guilty for my feelings and fighting because I know it can negatively affect the baby.

Is anyone else feeling sad or isolated this early on? I don't want to give the impression that I am totally depressed, but I am not as thrilled and glowing as I feel like I should be at this point.

theatremandy · October 2015

I felt this way when we had our first. And you have to make the lifestyle changes immediately because you are carrying the baby. It's a lot of change to deal with, along with hormones working away. Hang in there.

mkemommy · October 2015

Yes, I feel like a lot of first time moms must experience this. I think when you are older and more set in your ways/habits it makes it even harder (I'm 34 next month, a first time mom, a professional where happy hours are expected and live in an urban area too).

I was telling H how isolating being pregnant is and he seems to get it, which helps. It's worse when all my friends and family are drinking and eating whatever they want and I'm like "is this safe for baby? What about this?" H has promised to give up anything I have to give up come January (we are going on a trip before then and with holiday parties I've given him a pass till then). Would your H do that?

I also told a few people who would be supporting in the event something bad happened early on (4-5 weeks). That helps a little as does this board.

Long response but just wanted to say you aren't alone. Also, we used to live in Chicago, are you from there (you mentioned the Cubs so thought I would ask)? We live in Milwaukee now but I miss Chicago sometimes something fierce.

chloe97 · October 2015

mkemommy said:

Yes, I feel like a lot of first time moms must experience this. I think when you are older and more set in your ways/habits it makes it even harder (I'm 34 next month, a first time mom, a professional where happy hours are expected and live in an urban area too). I was telling H how isolating being pregnant is and he seems to get it, which helps. It's worse when all my friends and family are drinking and eating whatever they want and I'm like "is this safe for baby? What about this?" H has promised to give up anything I have to give up come January (we are going on a trip before then and with holiday parties I've given him a pass till then). Would your H do that? I also told a few people who would be supporting in the event something bad happened early on (4-5 weeks). That helps a little as does this board. Long response but just wanted to say you aren't alone. Also, we used to live in Chicago, are you from there (you mentioned the Cubs so thought I would ask)? We live in Milwaukee now but I miss Chicago sometimes something fierce.

@mkemommy- yes we are in Chicago! And I think you are right about being set in our ways being older. I've been living here for 10 years doing the same types of things this whole time. My H will be great and definitely cut back on drinking and going out etc, but right now we feel like we need to keep up appearances that everything is normal or people will start asking questions. With Cubs games (we have a group that we go out with to watch sports with a lot) and Halloween coming up, there is just a lot going on.

I have a weekend planned with my 3 best college girlfriends all of whom have plans to try this fall/winter next month, so that should be helpful. I feel like I can tell them then-I will be 7 weeks, but I feel weird telling people anything before I go to the doctor and have my HCG levels tested.

It's so good to hear that there are other people who are having the same feelings as I am right now. I can talk to H about this as much as I want, but he just doesn't get it. His life won't change until the baby gets here.

vampbride99 · October 2015

Hello fellow Chicago mommy! This is my first time too, and I do get where you're coming from. I'm quite nervous thinking of all the changes DH and I will have to make throughout this pregnancy. Thinking about everything you eat is pretty daunting as I'm just used to eating whatever I wanted. But now, everything I eat and drink has to be ok for baby. We are renewing our vows on Sunday (October 25th) and I just had to notify the hotel to switch out the champagne for me. Also, I know I'll have to make a decision as to whether or not I'm attending my work's holiday party (they are BIG drinkers), and they are known for fishing for if someone's pregnant lol (they did that at the last holiday party, and of course was right).

We know that eventually we'll have to move to a larger place. Our place works for now, but wouldn't work if we decided to have another child. There are so many things to think of, it's insane. I think it's good to tell someone, just to get it out there, but I totally understand. Besides DH, only one friend of mine knew early on. My parents just found out last night at 5 weeks exactly. Telling them has made me feel a lot less stressed.

Please know that your H is there to support you, as we all are here and that what you're feeling is normal.

mkemommy · October 2015

chloe97 said:

mkemommy said:

Yes, I feel like a lot of first time moms must experience this. I think when you are older and more set in your ways/habits it makes it even harder (I'm 34 next month, a first time mom, a professional where happy hours are expected and live in an urban area too).

I was telling H how isolating being pregnant is and he seems to get it, which helps. It's worse when all my friends and family are drinking and eating whatever they want and I'm like "is this safe for baby? What about this?" H has promised to give up anything I have to give up come January (we are going on a trip before then and with holiday parties I've given him a pass till then). Would your H do that?

I also told a few people who would be supporting in the event something bad happened early on (4-5 weeks). That helps a little as does this board.

Long response but just wanted to say you aren't alone. Also, we used to live in Chicago, are you from there (you mentioned the Cubs so thought I would ask)? We live in Milwaukee now but I miss Chicago sometimes something fierce.

@mkemommy- yes we are in Chicago! And I think you are right about being set in our ways being older. I've been living here for 10 years doing the same types of things this whole time. My H will be great and definitely cut back on drinking and going out etc, but right now we feel like we need to keep up appearances that everything is normal or people will start asking questions. With Cubs games (we have a group that we go out with to watch sports with a lot) and Halloween coming up, there is just a lot going on.

I have a weekend planned with my 3 best college girlfriends all of whom have plans to try this fall/winter next month, so that should be helpful. I feel like I can tell them then-I will be 7 weeks, but I feel weird telling people anything before I go to the doctor and have my HCG levels tested.

It's so good to hear that there are other people who are having the same feelings as I am right now. I can talk to H about this as much as I want, but he just doesn't get it. His life won't change until the baby gets here.

I hear you. My H is super supportive but it's not the same as actually growing a baby. There are moments where I just don't feel like "me" anymore, you know? I think it's normal along with the excitement, anxiety, wonder, happiness, etc. just take it day by day and be kind to yourself.

Welcome to the boards by the way. Stick around as everyone is helpful and in a similar boat.

mmakitten · October 2015

Totally. I'm having to give up my sport, which is a huge part of both my social life and identity. I have ways to stay involved, but it's not the same. It's proving to be a hard transition, especially since it was unexpected. I totally get it. I think it's normal to be pretty overwhelmed and out of sorts right now. I'm lucky because DH has been amazing and supportive and letting me cry on his shoulder.

hellomommas · October 2015

I experienced this but in reverse--/ I was very young with my first and none our friends had kids yet. No one in my circle understood what we were experiencing- good or bad. BUT it was only a short time before I was connected with lots of new mommy friends who can be awesome! (And my long-time friends started having kids too). It's no doubt- having a baby changes lots of things. But you will not regret this. Just wait til you have that beautiful baby. You will adapt and love your new life. Will you sometimes miss the "old times"? Yes- but it's not like you have to abandon that altogether. You can still do your thing and get out once and a while when your baby comes--/ in fact I think it's super important to do that.

saladflambe · October 2015

I definitely felt this way. I wasn't expecting a BFP the first month trying, and even though this was totally planned, I fell into a bad depression. It's been 2 months, and I'm doing a lot better now with the help of my therapist, but I still have nightly meltdowns about it.

BornMama · October 2015

I feel you. It's nice to hear these feelings are "normal"

cjt121413 · October 2015

You're totally not alone. I felt this especially in my first pregnancy, as I was not married and not planning to get pregnant. I even feel like this sometimes now even though I am way more ready. It is a big change.

I want to emphasize that you won't have to give up on fun after your LO is born! It will be different but you sometimes you will get a sitter and go out "like old times. " Eventually many of your friends will have kids and you all will watch Cubs games at someone's home and all the kids will play and it'll be great.

Go Cubs go, by the way! ! I'm originally from the Chicago burbs but now in Texas.

love it and miss it.

chloe97 · October 2015

Thanks everyone! It's really helpful to know that's it's not all rainbows and sunshine for everyone when you get the BFP even though its planned. These pregnancy hormones are taking me for a ride. I am all over the place.

Now if the Cubs could just get it together!!

redheadbride15 · October 2015

Yes. I definitely felt this immediately after my BFP. I'm also a newlywed and at 38 we started trying immediately after the wedding. I was expecting conception to be difficult because of our age but it only took 3 months. I didn't feel ready at all. But it's especially hard very early on - I'm now almost 7 weeks and I feel much better. I've been avoiding social gatherings involving alcohol because they're ... awkward. H and I have just been enjoying time together. I'm staying active (jogging, hiking), reading a lot, keeping the apartment clean. So give yourself some time to adjust. I think there's an impression out there that we're all supposed to be on cloud nine, but I don't think parenthood is that simple.

Corts · October 2015

You just got married and pregnant in the same month...relax, this would be anxiety inducing for anyone. Give yourself time.

Raincity · October 2015

Completely understandable. I'm in a very similar situation. We are 30, got married in June, thought we'd just give it a try (I have a chronic disease and I thought it would take us forever!) and BAM! first try. My husband and I are both super outdoor active, and our lives are based around morning coffee, risky weekend adventure (whitewater, mountain biking, climbing) and beer in the evening.

None of our friends where we live have kids. We live in North Carolina but I'm from Vermont, my family and best friends are there. I haven't made too too many friends here and of course now I believe I never will! Most of our my husband and my friends here do not want kids, and sadly, the three couples that do have not been able to, and so we worry about how this will impact them as well.

Think of it this way: in the beginning, pregnancy is just loss: suddenly no alcohol (that's a huge part of socializing!) no hot tubs, no this food, no that food, no PAIN MEDICINE or cold medicine (for people with chronic pain, that presents a huge problem). Fearing the loss of your identity, of the important relationships you currently have, loss of energy, loss of feeling good! It's not till you start to show, or feel a kick, or in some cases- have the baby! that some people feel pregnancy is actually giving them something positive.

On top of that- there is all this tremendous pressure to be over the moon happy and instantly gleeful to sacrifice all of these things for the new pregnancy, which is so new and doesn't feel real.

So yeah, I hear you.

CopperLane · October 2015

I feel the same. This baby was in the works for 1.5 years so you'd think I would be more excited! I think this is a normal reaction, it's a huge change and a lot to take in at once.

I had an ultrasound on Friday and it really helped ease my mind a bit and get more excited for the baby. I think seeing what is going on in there vs. feeling horribly sick and not seeing the baby helped me. I don't feel pregnant, so seeing the baby made it real.

I'm a FTM and thought I was crazy in feeling this way. I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

allisonrafie · October 2015

I definitely had a break down tonight about this! I have to stop playing my sports, drinking beer and drinking my coffee. I don't even feel like myself anymore. DH and I have been married for 6 years and got pregnant in 2 months! It's hard to give up me and start thinking for baby. I feel so selfish saying it, but it's true.

laurenw8383 · October 2015

Hang in there, I have moments where I feel the same. We recently went on a big annual trip with all of our friends (basically a weekend of drinking and water sports). Thankfully I stopped drinking before just to get my body ready. I didn't know I was pregnant until we got home. But it helped with friends not being so suspicious of me. The upcoming Halloween parties should be interesting though. I also recommend telling at least 1 other person that way you have some support outside of your relationship. Just incase you need it.

hokiejenn · October 2015

I was so relieved to see this post (although I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way!). I have been kind of depressed too and feeling SO guilty about it. I guess the mom guilt starts early!

I'm 35 and we have been trying for almost 2 years, finally got pregnant through IVF. You would think I'd be over the moon, and of course im happy, but im also terrified of miscarriage and really feeling not myself. I'm having to "take it easy" for now because I've had intermittent spotting, and we're New Yorkers who love to walk everywhere. Plus fitness is a big part of my life that I've given up. And I'm really missing wine at the end the work day. It's all for good of course, but I guess I'm sort of mourning my "old" life.

Thanks for bringing this up though and creating a safe space to talk about it! Best wishes to you for a h&h 9 months!

cdnrunning · October 2015

@hokiejenn I feel the same way. In an instant everything changes and even though I'm still exercising, it's not like I was before because I'm so terrified of having another miscarriage. I too after a long day at work would sit down with a nice glass of wine. Now, i'm on a mission to find a decent nonalcoholic wine that doesn't taste like crap!

mocktailmama04 · October 2015

This board seems so supportive and honest! My DH and I got married in July of this year. We decided we wanted to start a family right away. This is our first. I have to say I am riddled with anxiety. I often ask myself, "Am I going to be a good mom...or even a good enough mom?" I don't have much experience with children. My nieces and nephews is the extent of it.

I know I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder...which basically means I get depressed in the fall/winter season. I noticed myself withdrawaling from others and becoming depressed even before I found out. I am definitely happy and so grateful to be able to potentially bring a child into this world. In the same token, it doesn't feel real to me. I dont "feel pregnant." I have mild symptoms, but no MS. I get sore boobs, fatigue, bloating, etc. I am 6-7 weeks along, and havent told family yet. I am being over cautious. I hope once I hear the heartbeat it will become more real to me. Can anyone else relate?

shellzmoe · October 2015

Just broke down tonight bc all my friends are still in that 20-something fun party phase where every weekend revolves around partying up for the local college football game..I'm so ecstatic to be a mom but I'm having a hard time accepting that my whole social life has so quickly shifted. I am only 25 and this is so not how I expected to feel since I wanted to start a family with my dh so bad

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