Horrible first birth experience (long)

NLewis1 · October 2015

Hi ladies, I need some advice (especially from you 2+ moms). I had a super easy first pregnancy. I ended up being induced and it ended up awful. My son took forever to descend, and I pushed for an hour and he crowned for 45 minutes of that. When he was born, he was born blue with the cord wrapped crosswise around his body. The nurse over bagged him and collapsed both of his lungs. He didn't move, breathe, or make any noise for 20 minutes. He was then life flighted to a bigger hospital 3 hours away from me. By the time I was discharged and we made it to the bigger hospital, he was 14 hours old. I hadn't been able to hold or feed him until that point. We spent a week in a level 3 NICU and came home on oxygen for a month.

I spent months in therapy for PTSD afterwards. I thought I was making progress (I no longer break down when I see life flight etc). However now that we are on #2, I'm very concerned about another scary experience. I live in a rural area and we have 1 hospital. This hospital is notoriously bad, and they just this week gave my husband severe bi-lateral pneumonia after he had an appendectomy because the nurses didn't have him do his breathing treatments. He's spent all week in the hospital.

I think part of my problem last time was my midwife, so I have switched to an OB whom I love, but the truth of the matter is, I can't change the nursing staff at the hospital. 80% of our nursing staff is awful!

I don't have many options. I've thought about maybe asking one of my moms friends who was an excellent post surgical RN for 30 years be with us at the hospital, so I felt like someone medically trained could be on our side (this would be ideal) but I'm not sure if she would be willing to do this for us or not. My friend who is an RN is someone else I thought about asking, but turns out she is pregnant too, and further along so I doubt she would be game with a brand new baby.

I've also thought of having my mom come up with us, just to watch the monitors and stuff, but I don't know if she would just make things worse, or better.

My only other option which isn't feasible at all is to drive to the bigger hospital 3 hours away.

Any advice or insight I'm not seeing??

longhurrdontcurr · October 2015

Would it be doable to find a hotel in the area of a different hospital? Maybe treat it like a mini vacation and stay there about a week or so before you think you're due? Then you can just run right over to the new hospital when the time is right.

NLewis1 · October 2015

With our son and work and everything, it unfortunately is not. I know several women who have gone the route of driving to this hospital and they end up having to get induced near the end, or end up going into labor and delivering here in town.

longhurrdontcurr · October 2015

Oh rats. Is there a birthing center maybe? Midwife?

NLewis1 · October 2015

No birthing center. The one midwife we have in town is who I used last time and she was AWFUL.

I kinda like the idea of my mom being there, but I know my husband isn't thrilled about that and I worry the experience would be stressful to him, and them subsequently stressful to me. My mom gets on his nerves a bit. But I know my mom would be asking questions and saying things purely out of concern for us and would be totally in my corner. I'm very torn.

longhurrdontcurr · October 2015

NLewis1 said:
No birthing center. The one midwife we have in town is who I used last time and she was AWFUL.

I kinda like the idea of my mom being there, but I know my husband isn't thrilled about that and I worry the experience would be stressful to him, and them subsequently stressful to me. My mom gets on his nerves a bit. But I know my mom would be asking questions and saying things purely out of concern for us and would be totally in my corner. I'm very torn.

So I'm just gonna say, this is a time in your life when it's all about YOU. You're giving birth!! You're pushing his child out of your body! Your husband needs to just deal and be supportive. If having your mom there will make life easier and bring you some comfort then he needs to behave himself. That's your mom!! For goodness sake. Personally I'm bringing my mom out about a week or so before my due date - I love having her around to help!

Eta: words because I am dramatic

TwoBadMice · October 2015

I am so sorry you went through that! I thought I had a hard experience but that sounds absolutely aweful! Have you talked to your doctor about your concerns?

NLewis1 · October 2015

My husband has told me that he will do whatever it is to make me comfortable that day, and he will "keep his mouth shut".

I have talked to my dr about my concerns, but I plan on having another conversation at my u/s in two weeks. I talked to him back in July when he took my IUD out, and I wasn't very collected. I want to write out my concerns and try to hold myself together - though that's what I loved about him the first time I saw him, he was so supportive. He agreed he would have made the decision to give me an episiotomy to get that baby out instead of letting him just hang out there for that long.

I just can't get over the fact that he will just hand my baby to a possibly horrible nurse.

Edited because words are hard

NLewis1 · October 2015

I should add - even though my husband would be trying to behave himself if my mom were there, I would KNOW when something would piss him off.

I think I'm going to talk to my moms RN friend (who has known me since I was born) and see if she would be willing to do this for me. I just worry she won't since she and her husband are both retired and travel a lot, then I'm stuck in the same boat.

emucoleman · October 2015

Wow, that is so hard, I can't even imagine. I really hope your mom's RN friend will be willing to do that. I know it can be awkward to ask people to do something like that but don't feel bad! You're a mother doing this for her baby and no one will fault you for that even if they aren't able to help.

Also, I agree that you're the one giving birth and you should have the ultimate say in who's there...but...I also understand that no matter how hard your husband tries, you're in a marriage relationship and you can't help feeling each other's feelings. If my husband was annoyed by a relative, it would be very hard for me to ignore that, especially when I'm giving birth and already on edge. You should be having good feelings in the room. It's a tough decision. If you do end up having both your mom and husband there, I would suggest taking a lot of time to talk before the birth about what things might set people on edge or calm people down, so things might at least be a little less awkward for all. That's my best suggestion...all I can say for sure is, good luck! I really hope everything works out and that this experience is better than the last one.

NLewis1 · October 2015

Thanks for all your support and kindness

I should also add my boy is now a happy and healthy 13 month old with zero issues and zero delays. He's absolutely perfect!

To see the silver lining

WSU2015 · October 2015

I would probably lean towards having your mom be the extra support person.

I don't think it would be a bad idea to have your family friend who is a nurse there. I just wanted to add that God forbid your baby gets handed to a bad nurse the friend who is a nurse isn't going to be able to take over for her or tell the bad nurse how much or how little to intervene. OB is a very specialized field so unless your family friend is an OB nurse she won't know the proper procedures.

I think your OB will know who the good nurses and bad nurses on the floor are. And your OB may know if there has been improvements or not in the nursing staff since your last birth.

I am very sorry for your past experience and I am so happy to hear your child is healthy and happy today! I truly hope your next birth is smooth sailing.

Lyzza350 · October 2015

NLewis1 said:
I should add - even though my husband would be trying to behave himself if my mom were there, I would KNOW when something would piss him off.

I think I'm going to talk to my moms RN friend (who has known me since I was born) and see if she would be willing to do this for me. I just worry she won't since she and her husband are both retired and travel a lot, then I'm stuck in the same boat.

This is the option that stood out to me as the best. I can't believe she would say no after you describe what you went through. And she will know medical stuff you won't! I say ask! Or maybe hire a dula? They can advocate for you as well.

Corts · October 2015

Hi. So sorry you had a bad experience. If the hospital is as bad as you say then consider the hospital 3 hours away. Seriously. We have many hospitals around here but driving down to the one with the high level NICU (2 hours away) is common for the ladies around here. There is just so much that can happen in seconds during labor, that could be an emergency without having a NICU nearby
My daughter was born 17 years ago and needed to be transferred by helicopter at 48 hours old. At midnight. They wouldn't let me go with her and I will never forget how helpless and terrified I felt standing on the helipad that night.

sthomas1222 · October 2015

I am so sorry this happened to you. I wish I could give you a big hug. It breaks my heart to hear that what should have been a wonderful, empowering moment has left you so hurt.

The only issue I see with having your mom there to watch the monitors is she won't know what is what and may put you on edge if she's asking a ton of questions. In your case I would hire a doula. DoulaMatch.com is a great resource in finding one. While they aren't there for medical support they are there for you 100% and their sole focus is on you and your baby and supporting you in whatever way you need.

KayDray15 · October 2015

I agree with sthomas1222. Having a birth doula is wonderful!

I am so sorry you are in that situation. That is hard! Good luck!

aloha5736 · October 2015

Sorry this happened to you. Unless your friend is an OB nurse, I don't think she'd be very useful in the overseeing regard. Coming as an ICU RN I would honestly have minimal knowledge of what I was looking at for a baby. We see it in school and then don't see it again unless we specialize. I would never try to oversee an OB nurse and I'd hope they'd never come to an ICU and pretend like they knew our monitoring. It's just entirely different, so when I go in I just hang back and do what I'm told LOL.

cjt121413 · October 2015

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through last time. That's scary and terrible. I can't believe there are hospitals like that! !

Two ideas are 1.Hire a very outspoken doula who is not afraid to piss off the nurses. 2. Figure out a way to deliver at a different hospital. Either way, perhaps you can have a very pointed talk with your ob about the problems you had before.

I get why you'd want your mom, and PP are right that it is about you, but it's also about your DH. He should be comfortable too. I think your nurse friend would be great if her area was L&D, but if not she might not have the knowledge to be too helpful.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

NLewis1 · October 2015

Since our area is SO rural, we do not have any doulas near by. So that's out....

My thought was that regardless of specialty, a nurse knows how to read a heart rate monitor (which my nurses before were NOT doing, as my baby was in distress and they just let him sit there like that), and since my mom doesn't have any medical training, as someone stated before, she may just put me on edge asking a ton of questions (which will likely piss my H off). At least my nurse friend would be able to watch the monitors and know what means what without having to ask about it.

I do understand that im the one birthing this baby, but my H does matter to me. Its an experience for BOTH of us, and I would hate for him to look back on it with regret because he spent the entire time constantly irritated with my mom.

I think its just something we are going to have to think/talk about. As I stated before, driving 3 hours to a hospital is not feasible for us. I would have to take a day off work each month to go to drs appts, and then bi-weekly and weekly towards the end. I can't afford to use my PTO for that when I have a 1 year old in daycare who seems like he is always sick, and then having to use 5 days of PTO at the beginning of my leave before short term disability kicks in.

aloha5736 · October 2015

NLewis1 said:
Since our area is SO rural, we do not have any doulas near by. So that's out....
My thought was that regardless of specialty, a nurse knows how to read a heart rate monitor (which my nurses before were NOT doing, as my baby was in distress and they just let him sit there like that), and since my mom doesn't have any medical training, as someone stated before, she may just put me on edge asking a ton of questions (which will likely piss my H off). At least my nurse friend would be able to watch the monitors and know what means what without having to ask about it.
I do understand that im the one birthing this baby, but my H does matter to me. Its an experience for BOTH of us, and I would hate for him to look back on it with regret because he spent the entire time constantly irritated with my mom.

I think its just something we are going to have to think/talk about. As I stated before, driving 3 hours to a hospital is not feasible for us. I would have to take a day off work each month to go to drs appts, and then bi-weekly and weekly towards the end. I can't afford to use my PTO for that when I have a 1 year old in daycare who seems like he is always sick, and then having to use 5 days of PTO at the beginning of my leave before short term disability kicks in.

Believe it or not the monitors are completely different from OB to general patient population. The babies vitals are completely different. If the babies heartbeat starting going low I wouldn't know what the heck to do lol. Sometimes the monitors don't pick up accurate, there can be interference, and on a OB monitor I would have no way of telling if it was accurate or not. I go up to high risk deliveries where the mom may have issues, my hospital does a lot of high risk, so I see the monitoring, but Its just different than to what I'm used to.

NLewis1 · October 2015

aloha5736 said:

NLewis1 said:
Since our area is SO rural, we do not have any doulas near by. So that's out....
My thought was that regardless of specialty, a nurse knows how to read a heart rate monitor (which my nurses before were NOT doing, as my baby was in distress and they just let him sit there like that), and since my mom doesn't have any medical training, as someone stated before, she may just put me on edge asking a ton of questions (which will likely piss my H off). At least my nurse friend would be able to watch the monitors and know what means what without having to ask about it.
I do understand that im the one birthing this baby, but my H does matter to me. Its an experience for BOTH of us, and I would hate for him to look back on it with regret because he spent the entire time constantly irritated with my mom.

I think its just something we are going to have to think/talk about. As I stated before, driving 3 hours to a hospital is not feasible for us. I would have to take a day off work each month to go to drs appts, and then bi-weekly and weekly towards the end. I can't afford to use my PTO for that when I have a 1 year old in daycare who seems like he is always sick, and then having to use 5 days of PTO at the beginning of my leave before short term disability kicks in.
Believe it or not the monitors are completely different from OB to general patient population. The babies vitals are completely different. If the babies heartbeat starting going low I wouldn't know what the heck to do lol. Sometimes the monitors don't pick up accurate, there can be interference, and on a OB monitor I would have no way of telling if it was accurate or not. I go up to high risk deliveries where the mom may have issues, my hospital does a lot of high risk, so I see the monitoring, but Its just different than to what I'm used to.

That's good to know, thank you

This kind of just makes me feel like I'm screwed though

aloha5736 · October 2015

NLewis1 said:

aloha5736 said:

NLewis1 said:
Since our area is SO rural, we do not have any doulas near by. So that's out....
My thought was that regardless of specialty, a nurse knows how to read a heart rate monitor (which my nurses before were NOT doing, as my baby was in distress and they just let him sit there like that), and since my mom doesn't have any medical training, as someone stated before, she may just put me on edge asking a ton of questions (which will likely piss my H off). At least my nurse friend would be able to watch the monitors and know what means what without having to ask about it.
I do understand that im the one birthing this baby, but my H does matter to me. Its an experience for BOTH of us, and I would hate for him to look back on it with regret because he spent the entire time constantly irritated with my mom.

I think its just something we are going to have to think/talk about. As I stated before, driving 3 hours to a hospital is not feasible for us. I would have to take a day off work each month to go to drs appts, and then bi-weekly and weekly towards the end. I can't afford to use my PTO for that when I have a 1 year old in daycare who seems like he is always sick, and then having to use 5 days of PTO at the beginning of my leave before short term disability kicks in.
Believe it or not the monitors are completely different from OB to general patient population. The babies vitals are completely different. If the babies heartbeat starting going low I wouldn't know what the heck to do lol. Sometimes the monitors don't pick up accurate, there can be interference, and on a OB monitor I would have no way of telling if it was accurate or not. I go up to high risk deliveries where the mom may have issues, my hospital does a lot of high risk, so I see the monitoring, but Its just different than to what I'm used to.
That's good to know, thank you

This kind of just makes me feel like I'm screwed though

I know. Don't! I just didn't want to give you false hope, but be realistic. I'm sure she'd be more knowledgable than just the average person without a medical background. Just didn't want your expectations high, especially if she's never been in that area, in my facility it's a lot different. Plus give you the information to make your own opinion. I could go to almost any area and understand the monitoring, but OB they do things different. Those fast little heart beats even give me a run for my money to count LOL. I did OB for three months and switched to critical care. I would get a fresh start at different facility, or tour the other one and see if things change. There's a lot of turn over in hospitals, better jobs, schedules, money. People are always switching. Good luck

sthomas1222 · October 2015

I would look into doing concurrent care. See if an OB or MW at the hospital 3 hours away would be ok with you seeing someone here but delivering there. You may be able to just come to that hospital a few times rather than for every visit. Or you could transfer care later on. I've transferred at 28w & 32w during my pregnancies.

NLewis1 · October 2015

sthomas1222 said:

I would look into doing concurrent care. See if an OB or MW at the hospital 3 hours away would be ok with you seeing someone here but delivering there. You may be able to just come to that hospital a few times rather than for every visit. Or you could transfer care later on. I've transferred at 28w & 32w during my pregnancies.

This is an excellent idea! Hadn't thought of doing that. Though if I go into Labor unexpectedly, I would have to deliver here. But it might be the better of the two evils.

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Horrible first birth experience (long)

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Re: Horrible first birth experience (long)

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

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