Baby shower

TeeShannon · October 2015

Has anyone thrown their own baby shower? I don't really have anyone that will throw me one so is it ok I do my own?

MrsB915 · October 2015

No I have not thrown my own baby shower and would never dream of doing so. It is rude to do so. A baby shower is thrown as a gift to a Mom-to-be, and generally only first time mom's get one. The purpose of a baby shower is to welcome a woman to motherhood and "shower" her with gifts for the new baby.

By throwing your own shower you would basically be inviting the most important women in your life to dress up, sacrifice a day out of their schedules so that they can come give you things. You might as well write on the invite "please buy my things."

Unfortunately if no one is offering to give you a shower then you don't get one. If people want to give you gifts they will whether you have a shower or not. Showers are a gift, not a right.

SummerFall03 · October 2015

Has no one offered? Work or friends?

zg49 · October 2015

Instead of a throwing yourself a shower, you could always throw yourself a "come meet baby" get together and people might bring gifts. I definitely wouldn't put any registry details on any invites though so it doesn't look like you're asking for anything. It might be hard to plan for a winter baby but it's always an option.

If you really want a shower then ask the people you are closest to if they want to help out and they may take the reigns and host it for you. I have a friend who had her mom and best friend hosting her shower but she was clearly involved in every aspect. Wasn't rude - just her personality!

fishsticks-n-custard · October 2015

I thought early on in my pregnancy that I wouldn't have anyone to throw a shower for me, but I've been surprised. I've had two small impromptu family showers when I was visiting them (wasn't expecting one at all; first one my 6 yo niece threw and it was adorable). I also had a work friend offer to throw one recently, which I wasn't expecting. So you never know, there may be one in the works for you that you just haven't heard about yet.

I agree that traditional etiquette says that throwing your own shower is rude but there are ways around it. I agree with PP that a "come meet baby" party is an option. My husband and I, before we knew we were going to have a real shower, had a "We got real jobs, we bought a house, & we're having a baby, oh sh!t that means we're adults now" party/BBQ (that's literally what it said on the invites) and I decorated like a shower and had fun shower games, so I felt like I had the shower experience but I don't think anyone thought it was rude. We got a few gifts but more house warming style gifts which was fine with us because that wasn't our goal of the party.

Cejiml · October 2015

We live out of state from our families so it took us a while to decide if we wanted one. Once we did I kind of worked with my sister and friend. We did a brunch at a restaurant that does parties and we paid for the food. My sister and friend did the cake and flowers and decorations. I still bought them hostess gifts and the ran the shower games. I just felt like us being out of town and we wanted to do it all at one time I had like 30 people and it was expensive. So we just bought the food to make it easier. It was fun and worth it and I'm glad we did it because I got to celebrate my daughter. Not sure what your circumstances are though. I'm sure there is a tasteful way to do it.

ChrissyD1203 · October 2015

I love the come meet baby idea!

kmcc14 · October 2015

MrsB915 said:

No I have not thrown my own baby shower and would never dream of doing so. It is rude to do so. A baby shower is thrown as a gift to a Mom-to-be, and generally only first time mom's get one. The purpose of a baby shower is to welcome a woman to motherhood and "shower" her with gifts for the new baby. By throwing your own shower you would basically be inviting the most important women in your life to dress up, sacrifice a day out of their schedules so that they can come give you things. You might as well write on the invite "please buy my things." Unfortunately if no one is offering to give you a shower then you don't get one. If people want to give you gifts they will whether you have a shower or not. Showers are a gift, not a right.

^All of this. If no one throws you a shower, then you could have a sip n' see once baby is born. People may bring gifts, but you shouldn't include any registry info on the invites. It's possible that someone may still step up when they realize that no one else is throwing you a shower. Some people just wait until the last minute.

maureenmce · October 2015

I would suggest waiting. We didn't think anyone would throw us a shower (family lives too far away) but just today a friend of mine emailed offering to throw one. We still have a little way to go until Jan - try to be patient!

carlyhammond · October 2015

It is NOT against baby shower etiquette to throw your own shower...
(I googled it)
It does seem that if you did throw your own shower like you are begging for presents.
It is against etiquette to ask people to throw you a shower.

You should really google it... I live by the google

SummerFall03 · October 2015

carlyhammond said:

It is NOT against baby shower etiquette to throw your own shower... (I googled it) It does seem that if you did throw your own shower like you are begging for presents. It is against etiquette to ask people to throw you a shower. You should really google it... I live by the google

You had to google something that had to do with etiquette??

Some things should be common sense, not relied upon the Google Gods.

carlyhammond · October 2015

SummerFall03 said:

carlyhammond said:

It is NOT against baby shower etiquette to throw your own shower...
(I googled it)
It does seem that if you did throw your own shower like you are begging for presents.
It is against etiquette to ask people to throw you a shower.

You should really google it... I live by the google

You had to google something that had to do with etiquette??

Some things should be common sense, not relied upon the Google Gods.

Yes yes i do.
I also googled how to spell etiquette- I suggest you stop judging people, it's not very nice.
I have never had a shower before- not married so I've never had a bridal showe, I'm a FTM never had to have a baby shower before. So forgive me for not knowing the rules behind shower etiquette. K thanks. ✋
It has NOTHING to do with common sense.

jrouge12 · October 2015

@carlyhammond I googled it after reading your post and the answer Google gave me and the first several results contradict what you found.

Here is the first answer Google gave:
"The point of a baby shower is for your community of pals (or coworkers) to "shower" you with gifts, so etiquette dictates that the parents-to-be can't throw their own party (since it can be perceived as asking for gifts and that is frowned upon by the etiquette police)."

Can a person throw their own shower? Of course, it's not like there are laws against it. Should said person be prepared for people to think it's rude (and some people won't hold their tongues {also rude} about it).

My suggestion to a person throwing their own shower would be to keep it small. Don't invite the whole of your acquaintance just to get more gifts.

carlyhammond · October 2015

@jrouge12
You are correct- many websites do say it is "against the law" but, there are a few and I do mean FEW that say it is okay.
I'm not good with words so forgive my misunderstanding. I looked it up again and it says it's "unusual" for the mother-to-be to host her own shower.

I'm not saying I would do it for myself, and yes rude people will talk (lord knows there's plenty of them) but you could if you are 100% sure no one would host one. But as many PP have stated, instead of throwing a baby shower you should do a "sip and see" after baby is born.

ChrissyD1203 · October 2015

Going back awhile - maybe the end of our first trimester there were a ton of posts on this and people have very strong opinions. Putting aside formal rules of etiquette (to the extent one set of formal etiquette rules trumps all others), what is your audience like? Maybe I would think to myself for a second that it was weird someone was throwing their own shower, but I wouldn't spend more than a second on that thought - I'd move on to, it's going to be fun to see my friends and celebrate with them. I'm from NYC. I think last time there was some correlation between opinions and geographic areas.

N1col3 · October 2015

My mom said she was throwing me one and then hadn't done anything. She almost didnt have a place to have it because she waited until 5 weeks before the shower to try and find a place, even though we picked the date months ago. I did the invitations and am currently making the favors. I don't really see anything wrong with throwing your own shower. Especially if people are expecting to go to one. Just see if someone can at least help out with the leg work

Kelley421 · October 2015

I know that etiquette says no throwing your own shower..but that just really sucks for the mom-to-be, if absolutely no one offers to do it. I think I would feel bad enough that the woman had to throw her own shower, I'd probably buy her extra gifts

There is so much gray area these days with showers as we have blended families and whatnot.
I am a STM and a large group of family/friends came together and threw a shower for us and I am endlessly appreciative.
My daughter is nearly ten, I am having triplets, and they are my husbands first children. I still felt a bit awkward having a shower.

divergirl1986 · October 2015

I really like the idea of after the baby get together, my cousins girlfriend did that. They were able to get some items that they still didn't have and you got to see the baby. Good luck maybe someone is working one or for you.

trypeace · October 2015

Jewish religion considers showers "taboo" so I was actually relieved about worrying who will throw me one. My other two kids are 14&11 and I was in college when I had them. No one had time or money then. What I did then was have a very nice baptism party. This baby we will have a "meet the baby" when she is given the Hebrew name or if it was a boy it would be a bris. I'm actually relieved. But made a small registry for those close to me to buy bigger items. I'm really enjoying finding deals on things and buying all my own stuff. Now I get to pick a cute outfit for the after party and also one for myself since I'll be two weeks post baby and able to fit in nicer outfits

HelBelles · October 2015

Some perspective from the UK where baby showers are not as common as the U.S... If you want to throw yourself a baby shower for your friends and family to celebrate you being pregnant and playing now silly games etc then go ahead. I would not feel obliged to bring a gift to a shower but then I probably would out of the enjoyment of shopping for the baby.
I do however consider it rude to have a baby shower registerery. I hadn't actually heard of one until I was on this forum and the thought of dictating what people buy for my baby is cringeworthy. In my opinion a gift should be chosen by the person buying it.

However as you can see there are differences in opinions and cultures and there is no right or wrong.

EmmyMommy123 · October 2015

I think you've gotten some great feedback here and a lot of it shows different people/cultures/backgrounds/countries are going to have strongly different opinions on the matter, so like a pp said "know your audience".

I really like the idea of a meet the baby type thing, and if I was invited to one and hadn't been invited to a shower, I personally would bring a gift. I can see that putting registry information on that invitation might be uncomfortable, however.

I wouldn't think twice if I was invited to a shower thrown by a mom to be - if anything I'd feel bad she's doing so much work herself and offer to help. Where I'm from, showers are pretty much expected, so if I hadn't heard of someone having a shower I'd start asking questions so I could make sure I attend and give them a gift. Babies are expensive and I wanna help a mother out!

And where I come from, registries are also expected - I'd way rather purchase a useful gift off a registry then buy on a whim and see the mom get multiples of the same thing. But totally a difference in where you come from and not right or wrong either way! Funny how different things are. I usually throw in some clothes of my choice as well because that's fun as a gift giver.

Kellycrazymomma · October 2015

A lot depends on where you live. My sils live in Texas, where there's a shower for EVERY baby... Hubby and I felt a bit awkward when my sisters decided to throw us a shower for our second boy. Then we remembered, we went to the hospital way too soon and cancelled one last time, after 5 years, a strong little man, a basement flood in the new house, what didn't break or expire was destroyed, and this is likely the last baby for me or my 3 siblings. So we let them have their way... But we replaced the big ticket items ourselves, and keeping the list to very close family and friends. There may be a way for you to figure something out. Perhaps everyone thinks somebody else is going to throw it, and waiting for an invite. Is there is someone you are close to that you could mention that no one has offered to throw a shower, but you registered at such and such just for discounts, and maybe they would take the hint?

Jamilla9 · October 2015

I asked my mom to throw me a shower for baby #2!!! GASP!!!!! But, we aren't putting our registry on the invite. I just wanna celebrate with friends and eat some comfort food. I just don't think it's a big deal if you throw it for yourself or someone else does. Just celebrate the baby and you becoming a mama.

stephanienjer · October 2015

Here's the thing...Who cares if it's rude, tacky, selfish, or a great idea. All of those things are opinions, and relative. If this were years ago, when family norms were more set, and you lived in the same town you grew up in, and extended families still got together for Sunday dinners, then I would say follow etiquette. But it's not. Some of us live 3000 miles from our female family members, and some of us, having started families later have lost many family members and friends.

I asked my sister to plan something, as she only visits from across the country once every 18 months. I told her I only wanted one if she could be there, and since she visited so early in my pregnancy, she just planned it for when she was here.

IMO, I think if you took a different tactic, this might go over better with your friends and family. First, what is your goal? Is your goal just to have time to celebrate impending motherhood, or do you need the baby gear? (No shame, we totally needed the gear AND wanted to have a fun celebration.) We also lost all the women in my grandmother's generation last year (Grandma and 2 great-aunts) and we really don't have a big reason to see extended cousins, etc., and I thought this would be a good way to do it.

Could you ask your friends out for a "Let's have a lunch and celebrate a baby on the way" celebration? You could say you know that your life will change, and your availability will become more restricted once baby comes, and you want to have one last thing so you can all get together and talk. (People might still bring you gifts, but I certainly wouldn't ask for them at this point.) If you were planning on going through the expense of having a shower, you could just buy everybody lunch for about the same amount of money.

ChrissyD1203 · October 2015

@stephanienjer I think you said how I feel perfectly.

@thegoudalife - I recognize how different we feel. I laughed at your clutching your pearls expression because I think that just shows the cultural difference. I think pearls are beautiful but none of my friends own them but literally all my cousins from the South have multiple pairs. I think in different areas, social groups, people react very differently to this, so what really matters should be how OPs invitees would react.

Although I'm not having my own shower, I'm curious as to whether if in your opinion, you personally find it unacceptable and like it screams buy me gifts, or you think everyone else feels that way too.

perfectlyawful · October 2015

I honestly dont see how it would be "rude" to throw your own shower but its not rude for someone to put the effort to throw one for you. If its your first baby i personally feel everyone deserves a shower, plus the showers arent all about gifts its celebrating the 9 months you are spending carrying this baby and the rest of your life you plan to spend raising the child. If that doesnt deserve a party/celebration than I dont know what does. This is just my opinion though.

MrsB915 · October 2015

Honestly I don't see how so many people think it is ok to throw yourself a gift giving event or to ask someone else to throw you one! Either way I think it is extremely rude. You're either sending your loved ones an invitation that says "come buy things for me because I'm having a baby" or you're asking someone you love very much to go through the time and expense of throwing you the party so they and others can buy things for you.

Yes, I had a shower and it was thrown by mother and sister. The only input I had was to give them names of a few friends I wanted there in addition to family. I also helped mom pick the date because it was after my son was born so I wanted to make sure he was out of the hospital before the shower.

I have lived in both the south and now in New England and because of military background I have met people from all over the country so I don't really think it is just a regional thing.

If your goal is to celebrate the baby then have something after the baby is born like a sip n see. If your goal is to celebrate your pregnancy and acknowledge that your life is about to change and you might not have as much free time, invite people out for lunch, maybe pick up the tab or have a mani pedi day or something similar.

The point of a "SHOWER" is to shower the mother to be with gifts for the baby. Since it is a gift giving event by nature it would be rude to throw it yourself or worse ask someone else to do it.

enkb · October 2015

So glad my life is not as complicated as these discussions make me think other people's are. I'm glad the etiquette police don't know where I live and none of the few close friends and family that I would want to celebrate with me would judge me based on what I was doing with a shower. Or the idea that calling it a shower is not ok, but if its a 'celebrating baby' party it somehow is.

TeeShannon · October 2015

I don't think it's rude either being that I am doing it to really celebrate my pregnancy and new life I have coming into the world. My husband and I are blessed enough to be able to provide for our child that is on the way. I feel like nothing is traditional anymore nowadays anyway and if it's such a problem for people to throw there own because no one is stepping up family or friend wise I don't see the issue. I appreciate the positive feedback but those that way it's begging may need a reality check. I also like the idea of a sip and see. The baby shower question was bought up because I keep getting asked when I'm having one.

MssyMmmy · October 2015

I would think if your friends are willing to attend your shower at least one would be willing to host one? Yes it is expensive and a lot of work but it doesn't have to be. I hosted a shower for my friend last year and split the food duties with a couple of other relatives/close friends. I agree to wait until later on. If truly no one will host one for you than have a party without a registry. Half the time people buy what they want and don't bother looking at a registry anyhow.

MamaHolland · October 2015

MrsB915 said:
Honestly I don't see how so many people think it is ok to throw yourself a gift giving event or to ask someone else to throw you one! Either way I think it is extremely rude. You're either sending your loved ones an invitation that says "come buy things for me because I'm having a baby" or you're asking someone you love very much to go through the time and expense of throwing you the party so they and others can buy things for you.

Yes, I had a shower and it was thrown by mother and sister. The only input I had was to give them names of a few friends I wanted there in addition to family. I also helped mom pick the date because it was after my son was born so I wanted to make sure he was out of the hospital before the shower.

I have lived in both the south and now in New England and because of military background I have met people from all over the country so I don't really think it is just a regional thing.

If your goal is to celebrate the baby then have something after the baby is born like a sip n see. If your goal is to celebrate your pregnancy and acknowledge that your life is about to change and you might not have as much free time, invite people out for lunch, maybe pick up the tab or have a mani pedi day or something similar.

The point of a "SHOWER" is to shower the mother to be with gifts for the baby. Since it is a gift giving event by nature it would be rude to throw it yourself or worse ask someone else to do it.

@MrsB915 birthday parties, weddings, retirement parties, housewarmings & anniversary parties are all gift giving events. It's not mandated that someone brings a gift but guests usually do. There's nothing wrong with planning & hosting any of these events for yourself. I'm not saying baby showers are the same but I do disagree that people cannot throw themselves a gift giving event.

Also I haven't seen anyone mention that strict tradition/etiquette says that even an immediate family member should not throw a baby shower.

"For instance, in the case of baby and bridal showers, it’s technically considered bad manners to throw a party for oneself, or even for an immediately family member (although it is often done anyway). Baby and bridal shower etiquette says that someone outside of these parameters should host the shower."

"Tradition states that a shower should not be hosted by a close family member of the parents-to-be, but instead by a friend or more distant relative, such as a cousin or an aunt. This rule was meant to avoid the appearance that the family was simply on a mission to collect gifts. However, like many traditions, this rule isn't strictly observed these days. In fact, it's usually considered perfectly acceptable for a sister, mother-in-law, or even the guest of honor's mother to host or co-host a shower. It's still unusual for a mother-to-be to host her own shower, though."

It all depends on a person's perspective. While you may label someone else as tacky maybe there's another person who feels that way about you.

mamakculb · October 2015

I don't think weddings, housewarming parties, and birthdays etc are in the same line as a baby shower. All of these are celebrations of life events where you, the guest, partake in the event going on to some extent. At a wedding you witness the marriage, at a housewarming party you see their new home, at a birthday you see the person whose birthday it is. At a baby shower the main goal is to shower the mother with gifts. This is why I think a meet the baby party or "sip and see" is more appropriate for the parents to host because then the guests are getting to first meet the baby and second bring gifts if they wish. Who comes to a shower without a gift? The whole day centers around you sitting and opening gifts. If you're honestly just trying to celebrate your new baby and being a new mom, then wait til you have your baby so they can be the focus, not the gift giving.

CKolleth · October 2015

Maybe I am just sensitive and moody, but there are so many ladies on this thread galavanting on a pretty high horse. People get so touchy and offended over the dumbest stuff... Especially weddings and babies. I say if you want to throw yourself a party, go for it! Throw a darned parade if you want. If they don't like it, they don't have to come. Just be yourself.

scornwell717 · October 2015

I don't know if this is a silly suggestion or not but I'll throw it out there! If you're worried about the expenses of stuff that they say shouldn't be used as hand-me-downs, like car seats and whatnot, maybe make a registry at a place that offers 10-15% off at the end for things that aren't bought? I know babies r us and target does this but I don't know exactly what the rules are. It's always worth looking into!

TeeShannon · October 2015

CKolleth said:
Maybe I am just sensitive and moody, but there are so many ladies on this thread galavanting on a pretty high horse. People get so touchy and offended over the dumbest stuff... Especially weddings and babies. I say if you want to throw yourself a party, go for it! Throw a darned parade if you want. If they don't like it, they don't have to come. Just be yourself.

Thanks, I agree and I plan to. when I posted the question it was more like asking had anyone done it. Just do I could get an idea of how it was. I had planned on asking a family member to be the host and we were planning to call it a celebration. It's sad to see women sitting behind computers making such rude comments.

stephanienjer · October 2015

Again, tacky is as tacky does. Calling someone tacky or rude isn't exactly polite in itself.

If I were so offended that I was invited to a shower hosted by the guest of honor, I just wouldn't attend.

Most of the time, though, I'm so happy for the person, I don't care who initiates the thing.

TeeShannon · October 2015

thegoudalife said:

stephanienjer said:

Again, tacky is as tacky does. Calling someone tacky or rude isn't exactly polite in itself.
If I were so offended that I was invited to a shower hosted by the guest of honor, I just wouldn't attend.
Most of the time, though, I'm so happy for the person, I don't care who initiates the thing.

I don't believe anyone was calling a person tacky or rude but rather stating that the action of throwing your own shower is tacky and rude. There is a difference.

Honestly, I think getting true opinions here is a great thing because your loved ones would never want to hurt your feelings by telling this to your (general your) face. As that would be rude as well. But they may say it behind your back.

I've been very happy for friends and family who've had 2+ kids and had a 2nd shower. It doesn't mean I don't think their action wasn't rude, because it was. As much as I may love and care for them, I don't appreciate feeling like their personal piggybank made to supply them with items they need for their child.

I understand everyone has a different opinion on this. But I'm always confused as to why the people who are for throwing their own showers always get so upset and defensive against the people who don't agree with it. They're usually the first people to call names as well.

Funny.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion I simply said it was rude due to the way the opinions are expressed. A lot of individuals get on these boards and behave in such a way that they probably don't in real life. As far as throwing a shower for people to be "personal piggy banks" I totally disagree. But then again that is my opinion vs yours. This is my first child I would like to have a shower, rather it has to be thrown by me or not I am blessed enough to afford things for my child. No one asks who throws the shower one they get the invite anyway. I will plan my own shower but that doesn't mean I am going to be standing there making sure things run a certain way

ambercakes92 · October 2015

TeeShannon said:

thegoudalife said:

stephanienjer said:

Again, tacky is as tacky does. Calling someone tacky or rude isn't exactly polite in itself.
If I were so offended that I was invited to a shower hosted by the guest of honor, I just wouldn't attend.
Most of the time, though, I'm so happy for the person, I don't care who initiates the thing.

I don't believe anyone was calling a person tacky or rude but rather stating that the action of throwing your own shower is tacky and rude. There is a difference.

Honestly, I think getting true opinions here is a great thing because your loved ones would never want to hurt your feelings by telling this to your (general your) face. As that would be rude as well. But they may say it behind your back.

I've been very happy for friends and family who've had 2+ kids and had a 2nd shower. It doesn't mean I don't think their action wasn't rude, because it was. As much as I may love and care for them, I don't appreciate feeling like their personal piggybank made to supply them with items they need for their child.

I understand everyone has a different opinion on this. But I'm always confused as to why the people who are for throwing their own showers always get so upset and defensive against the people who don't agree with it. They're usually the first people to call names as well.

Funny.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion I simply said it was rude due to the way the opinions are expressed. A lot of individuals get on these boards and behave in such a way that they probably don't in real life. As far as throwing a shower for people to be "personal piggy banks" I totally disagree. But then again that is my opinion vs yours. This is my first child I would like to have a shower, rather it has to be thrown by me or not I am blessed enough to afford things for my child. No one asks who throws the shower one they get the invite anyway. I will plan my own shower but that doesn't mean I am going to be standing there making sure things run a certain way

------
Just wanted to comment on people not asking who throws the shower...I don't necessarily agree. The baby shower invites my mom and aunt purchased have a "given by" line, making it very clear that the shower itself is a gift unto the MTB. It even makes me uncomfortable to include my registry link, and it's my first child. Clearly I'm not throwing it myself but I don't want people thinking I'm all about the money regardless, because I think showers can easily come across that way. Obviously you feel differently, but that's my perspective.

kmcc14 · October 2015

If you aren't prepared to hear negative opinions regarding throwing your own shower then you shouldn't create a thread asking if it is ok to do so. This is not the first thread that has been created on this topic. A little searching would have shown you the type of responses that you were likely to receive.

MrsB915 · October 2015

As to the point of "no one notices who throws the shower" I disagree. As pp stated there is typically a line that states "given by so and so." Also, the person to whom you are asked to rsvp is usually the hostess as she is the one who needs a final count to make proper arrangements.

I don't think that anyone who responded negatively to the op was being rude. Try posting this on the baby shower board and see if you still think the J16 ladies have been rude.

nlwz123 · October 2015

MrsB915 said:

As to the point of "no one notices who throws the shower" I disagree. As pp stated there is typically a line that states "given by so and so." Also, the person to whom you are asked to rsvp is usually the hostess as she is the one who needs a final count to make proper arrangements. I don't think that anyone who responded negatively to the op was being rude. Try posting this on the baby shower board and see if you still think the J16 ladies have been rude.

Haha I'm just imagining the invitation:

You are invited to a shower for me.

Thrown by me!

Please respond to me by this date!

I am registered here, here and here.

Let's show me the best time ever!

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