Expat sadness — The Bump
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Expat sadness

Anyone move "permanently" to be with their SO? My DH is Australian, I moved almost 3 years ago here to be with him. In hindsight, I was very naive to make the move. I left behind close family, tons of friends and an amazing job. I said that I would try it here but we got pregnant right away. I love him very much but want to go home. He doesn't want to live in America. I'm pregnant with #2 now. I'm filled with so much grief and homesickness at the moment. Anyone in a similar predicament? How did you cope?

Re: Expat sadness

  • I didn't move to be with my SO. We met in Japan and I ended up staying for theong haul. It's been very hard for me since LO was born. Before I could manage well and not be so sad and homesick but now with LO I've been having horrible depression, anxiety, and homesickness. Plus I have no American friends or Japanese for that after with LOs around the same age to talk to or bounce ideas off of. And all my knowledge is from my culture and everyone here expects me to adhere to Japanese culture and I'm getting sick and tired of it. I get that some things can't be helped but there are some things I have to hold my tongue against because the ideas are really stupid and old fashioned. One example: the idea that mother is caretaker 24-7 with little to no help. That one kills me. The last time I had a day to myself or even a couple of hours was in December after LO was born. I went to the cinema to see Hobbit.

    I'm staying homesick so much due to LO now. I'm still coping and taking one day at a time. I keep in touch with friends via fb and use Skype or FaceTime with family when the time is good for both of us. It's hard and I'm trying. But my SO wants a second and I'm really leaning toward having a pet instead. Pregnancy and birth were hard enough (surprise c-section) in a hospital with no English support and then the ppd and lack of help after have been just too much for me.
    mriee
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  • @MommyMoru thanks for posting. I'm sorry you are in a similar situation. The language /cultural barrier must make everything extra hard for you. Even though we all speak the same language here, the cultural differences are great. It's also very hard to make friends here. Would your SO ever move back to America? I'm pregnant with our 2nd and the rush of feelings that has come over me to go home is intense. I'm sending you a hug. It's good to keep trying and I know how difficult it can be. Xoxox
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  • GalLaura said:

    @MommyMoru thanks for posting. I'm sorry you are in a similar situation. The language /cultural barrier must make everything extra hard for you. Even though we all speak the same language here, the cultural differences are great. It's also very hard to make friends here. Would your SO ever move back to America? I'm pregnant with our 2nd and the rush of feelings that has come over me to go home is intense. I'm sending you a hug. It's good to keep trying and I know how difficult it can be. Xoxox

    Well, he's Japanese and has a very stable job here (can never be fired) so it's very unlikely we will move. I'm doing the best I can and things are getting somewhat better. He keeps talking about a second child and I'm like 'dude, let's get through this one first' but I honestly don't know if I could go through all of this again and have a toddler on top of it...
  • kimey1kimey1 member
    edited June 2015
    I just had a misscarriage here in the states. Im a fluent bilingual from Korea but i went through a lot of thinking when we found out I was pregnant. Not having any family or close childhood/college friends made me really sad. I'd like to move back to Korea by the time we are pregnant again. Hubby is looking into language classes and jobs that can be 100% remote.
    Somee asian cultures can be a tight bubble, often with double standards, so I really feel for you @MommyMoru - hang in there.
    mrieemaurahalp
  • I choose to live overseas but I was also raised overseas too so that helps somewhat as home is a very fluid concept to me.

    Something's that I have found especially with being pregnant is its actually a great way to meet and cut through some cultural boundaries. Everyone loves a baby! Or so it seems. Try on Facebook or a website called meetup if you live in a city I am sure they have a group or even a site called internations. These might help to make connection especially with other mums.

    I think sown times when you miss family it's because we miss people we can just be ourselves with and don't feel ashamed to ask for help. Seek out other expats they will have the same experiences and be each other's family.

    As I said I can relate to the overseas part but I am so used to missing family and home is all over so it impacts me less but I hope some of those ideas work. It's the worst feeling to hate where you live or to miss another place. The best advice though is to through yourself into life where you are at least you can say you really gave it a go if you ever realise you really need to leave.


    All the best with your pregnancy
    kimey1mallinacashew
  • I agree that trying to get to know other people were you live will help. Everyone seems to love a pregnant lady, and a baby even more so, so it might not be as hard as you think to meet new people, and new moms. I've noticed that even participating in classes like prenatal yoga is a great way to meet others.
    I'm an expat, but by choice, and although I miss my friends and family, I know that my experience is a unique one and I need to make the most of it.
    Good luck to you!
    kimey1
  • Thanks for all the input an advice. I've lived overseas for 3 years now and it's my second bub. I'm not happy here and want to go home. The problem is my dh id from here and doesn't want to leave.
  • GalLaura said:

    Thanks for all the input an advice. I've lived overseas for 3 years now and it's my second bub. I'm not happy here and want to go home. The problem is my dh id from here and doesn't want to leave.

    I have a similar issue- i met DH right when i had made up my mind to leave the USA. I don't hate it here but often times im indifferent because his family is so close and i never get to see my family. So next year we plan to live in Asia to be near my family and if things go as planned i will give birth there. We hope to spend 6months there. When we were dating i was worried he'd be tied to this place forever so i'm getting excited.

    Ultimately we want to find a place to settle down between our two home countries where we are both happy, and a good environment for the kids to grow up. Could you and DH try and do sth like this? Taking turns living in each other's respective countries?
  • keagykeagy member
    edited September 2015
  • I'm in a similar boat and can relate. I did relocate permanently to Amman, Jordan to be with my husband. I've gone back and forth between Amman and NYC for the last five years. We decided that because we own our apartment here outright, and because of his job (he works for a company based in Saudi Arabia) this would be the best place for us to start out since we could save money. We plan to stay here another 2 years but now that I am pregnant I am incredibly homesick for the easiness of my life in NYC. It's even less about missing my family and more about just missing the convenience of everything. I have a solid understanding of Arabic so language is less of an issue but life here can be frustrating at times and also every day repeats itself over and over. I wake up most days sad and long to go back which makes me more upset because Amman is a city I have come to love and consider home over the last 5 years. Expat blues for sure. I am just worried this will turn into serious depression and I won't be able to dig my way out of it with a newborn.

    I'm happy I found a forum where others can relate.
  • kimey1kimey1 member
    edited October 2015
    @katesaleh So glad you posted this.
    DH and I are planning to have our first child in Korea next year, where my folks still reside. I've been based in NYC for the past 5years due to school, then work, then being with DH. As much as I enjoy the convenience I miss my family a lot - the opposite issue of yours. It's the main reason I've decided I want to head to my folks early in the last trimester so I can share this precious time with my mom and have them there the first few months with baby.
    I know I'll miss the convenience of NYC (like you mentioned) if I were to live in Korea, but the homesickness is getting worse as time goes by. DH says he can work towards traveling to Asia several times a year but isn't entirely convinced about living there. So far we are still planning to purchase a home in NY/NJ first since I'm not sure how long I would want to live in Korea either. I'm thinking probably 5 years before baby goes to school, but aging and ailing parents are always on my mind. My dad still has almost 10years till retirement and I dont think it's right to have them move here unless it's voluntary on their part.
    At times it feels great to have one side of the family here, but other times, it feels like you can never win. I wonder how having a baby will change my thoughts about all of this.
    I just wanted to say, I GET YOU! I totally get the expat and reverse-expat blues.
  • I'm really struggling with this at the moment. I moved to the U.S. three years ago from Australia and don't have any family here except for my fiancé. A lot of my friends that I did have moved home/overseas. I didn't expect to find my pregnancy so difficult without a support group. I'm a little concerned about how I'm going to cope once they baby is here. Although I'm so happy about my baby boy, I'm also incredibly sad without my family around me.
    kimey1
  • @maddyveenstra. We have a similar story but reversed. I've been in Australia for 3 years now. It's very hard. Isn't life ironic...I'm sure we would love to switch countries! Hang in there. It's hard but your baby will bring you lots of joy.
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