IMO I don't think anyone is childish enough to actually think that all men cheat or that only men can do shitty things. The general consensus I've heard here from most women is that their DHs have been warm and encouraging for the most part, which has restored a bit of my optimism. OPs husband appears to be "sorry he got caught" as opposed to actually sorry. Doesn't mean he is a bad person but this probably the worst thing a man could do, ever, in my book. I think the rage is justified.
I think you need to separate the justified anger of OP from some of the replies that brought about the defense of men. You would be surprised how many women feel strongly that there are no faithful men, just as some men out there have absurd blanket beliefs about "all women" too. I used to have a male friend who truly believed all women were gold diggers. Sadly this view of others tends to be a self defense mechanism by someone who was personally hurt by such a person or someone who grew up watching an abusive/unfortunate relationship. When I see a poster insinuating that this absurdity could be the case (even if simply messaged through a third part source), it bothers me as OP shouldn't be left with a feeling of "yeah that sucks! Sadly that's what men do".
Point well taken though I tend to feel sorry for people who think there is nothing better out there...they have probably been unlucky. But my gran used to say that letting darkness touch you but not taint you is part of growing into a woman.
You've gotten great advice already so I'm just here to say sorry you're going through this. What he did is inexcusable and the ball is 100% in your court. Take the time you need to go through any and all emotions that make sense before committing to anything further with him. You didn't deserve this.
*hug* You are not alone. What happened to you is devastating but it's not uncommon (I'm not saying it's excusable, acceptable or healthy and normal). I don't know your relationship and havent walked in your shoes. I dont know if it would be better for you to get out now, or, if you both are willing to try to save your relationship.
IBefore we were married, it became clear that we either needed to break up or get some help. We researched couples therapists through google & the listings on psychology today's website. Made several calls (which eliminated a lot of ppl either bc they weren't a good fit, or, didn't take insurance), met with 2 different counselors and decided together who we wanted to see. I did hitake the lead on who he preferred to meet with, I took the lead in other areas.
That was 4-5yrs ago and we do occasional check ins now. We went 2x monthly for awhile. For us, counseling was helpful but we went consistently and held each other accountable. That's all the advice I can offer but I wish you all the best and I hope your hurting heart is soothed soon.
I'm so sorry, this is what happened to me shortly after I found out I was pregnant. (Only my husband decided to leave me for his 19 year old "hottie" when confronted) I went from stay at home mom to single working mother of two with one on the way, so if you need to talk let me know. That being said sometimes men are just jerks and stupid. Maybe he really is sorry and maybe it won't ever happen again. You just have to decide what you're willing to forgive, or if you can even try. Not knowing if you can trust your partner, especially with a new baby, definitely is a difficult road to go down. Only you know how much you can take and still be a happy momma for your baby.
I'm so sorry, this is what happened to me shortly after I found out I was pregnant. (Only my husband decided to leave me for his 19 year old "hottie" when confronted)
I went from stay at home mom to single working mother of two with one on the way, so if you need to talk let me know. That being said sometimes men are just jerks and stupid. Maybe he really is sorry and maybe it won't ever happen again. You just have to decide what you're willing to forgive, or if you can even try. Not knowing if you can trust your partner, especially with a new baby, definitely is a difficult road to go down. Only you know how much you can take and still be a happy momma for your baby.
You get a medal. I don't know what kind of medal but you get one. You are an amazing woman.
I dont believe her (grandma) of course, but it is a good thing to keep in mind. She did not suspect it at all and still got betrayed. She was talking out of resentment + she only has male friends, who talk to her about their affairs (even though they are married) so she actually does not know many faithful men. Sad.
So sorry this happened to you. Pps gave you some great advice. Take some time to re-evaluate things with him. Try not to stress though and focus on you and your baby.
Sorry for what you are going through. I have no advice that hasn't been said already.
On a side not after reading the response I do want to point out that 1) all men are not pigs. That is a broad and outrageous statement. 2) men are not the only ones that cheat.
Sorry to jump onto that but some of the response got to me. I hope that everything works out for the best for you no matter what you choose to do.
So just a little FYI my friend, I said nothing of the sort that ALL men are pigs now did I?! Ya, I didn't think so.
I'm so sorry your going through this right now... PPs have given you great advice.. I don't have any advice since I haven't been in a situation like this before.. But I'm thinking of you and I hope your doing ok
First, I just want to say my heart aches for you. While being cheated on is NEVER easy, I can't imagine a more difficult time to deal with that heartache. I agree with many of the PP in that it's very important to give yourself some time to work through this and if you're able to seek any help from a therapist/counselor, I can't tell you how healing that can be. It would be so helpful to speak to someone that can help you navigate everything in a healthy way, with out any bias. Just remember that you can get through this and you will surprise yourself with stength you never knew you had in these kind of situations. You are going to be a mommy in just a few weeks and that child will have your broken heart feeling more love than you ever felt! You'll definitely be in my thoughts & prayers.
Sorry for what you are going through. I have no advice that hasn't been said already.
On a side not after reading the response I do want to point out that 1) all men are not pigs. That is a broad and outrageous statement. 2) men are not the only ones that cheat.
Sorry to jump onto that but some of the response got to me. I hope that everything works out for the best for you no matter what you choose to do.
So just a little FYI my friend, I said nothing of the sort that ALL men are pigs now did I?! Ya, I didn't think so.
Did I mention you specifically? No my friend, I did not. Your not the only poster to say 'men are pigs'.
First of all I just want to say thank you to everyone. Your love was so very needed. Just to clear some things up. He uses instagram, apperently they met on there. There is tons of photos of us... I guess he was telling her our relationship was over and bad and he didn't even know if the baby was his. That part breaks my heart everytime I think of it. We have not fought, we have sex regularly, if you were to look at our phone calls and texts you would probably puke at all lovey we are. Always saying how amazing we are to eachother, how we are best friends etc. This girl found my instagram account and messaged me. I guess they had been talking for two weeks, he works out of town, then the day he was coming back he came back early, went over to her house, fucked her, then came home. He blocked all her contact so she got mad and messaged me. It's a rather sick situation. So yes, he admitted it after me basically telling him I KNOW you did it. She also sent me photos of conversations and told me things about the sex only. . Well I should have known such hurts too. I'm feeling very lost. We are stuck with the house as papers are signed. I don't know what to do about baby girls last name and I don't know if I'll ever trust him again. I don't want to be that crazy girl that's always questioning. He's turned me crazy staying strong and trying not to cry so much as my eyes are literally raw at thus point.
Oh hunny. I would give that baby your last name at this point. And cry if you need to cry! Let it out so that it easier to keep moving forward. You got this.
I'm sorry this happened to you. He sounds like a jerk to me and personally I know what my reaction would be...
You don't need to decide anything about your relationship now but if I were you I'd get checked for STDs as soon as possible (in case it was not the only time he cheated since the beginning of the pregnancy). Keeping baby safe is the most important right now.
Save as much energy as possible for baby, it's the most important right now!
I agree with PP's. You don't have to decide anything right now, especially since your plate is already full and overflowing with that growing baby girl. I personally would give baby my last name in this situation until things are finalized either way. As above PP said, definitely get the full check out with your OB, that way you know you and baby are safe from any STD's. Have you been able to reach out to your family to get some support there? My heart goes out to you, I hope you get some moments of calm and clarity soon.
I've been separated from my son's "donor dad" since I was about 3-4 months due to his infedility. My situation is far easier seeing as how him and I were just friends having sex. That tried to stem from that. In both situations I feel that cheating is disgusting enough but cheating on someone in this weak, fragile state known as pregnancy is unforgiving. This is of course my opinion. It felt like the ultimate betrayal her I am changed my entire lifestyle to be a good mother and I get hurt. I've been sexless ever since. He can be in his son's life as he pleases but I would much rather be celibate until I die than to have his hands anywhere near me. *angry b%&$& rant over lol
In addition the baby's feelings are most important so try not to be depressed, stressed, or angry. I spend lots of time in my baby room or in baby stores, that helps.
I am so so sorry to hear this Hun! I have also been through this recently myself. The only advice I can give is. Give yourself some space/you time Sit down and talk with him You will have to make a choice To forgive him and start from "today" to repair your relationship Or if you feel you can not forgive make it clear to him why, express how hurt you are. I agree he doesn't have the right to be upset. Your emotions would be running high right now. Don't make any choices right now, give yourself time to get your head together. But always remember to think of yourself and your baby/s.
Keep support & family close. Never ever think your alone.
I haven't reached out to my family yet. I feel so embarrassed and if I do tell them I'm afraid they will hate him. Everyone is so happy for us. Always saying they are so happy I'm with a good man. Now it feels like everything has been tainted. He was my very best friend and he crushed me. He was always so against cheating too seeing as his best friend and ex girlfriend got together when they were still together and he told me how much it hurt him, then he turns around and stabs me in the back. 5 days after our anniversary too. I'm just so very heart broken it's like I don't even know him anymore. I never in a million years thought he would do this. Never seen it coming. I would have never known unless this girl messaged me. Ugh. Makes me sick to think about. Especially because she told me details. Gag.
Even though it may be hard, I'd reach out to a close family member, a mother, sibling, someone who knows you well and can help.
Agreed. You didn't destroy his reputation. He did that on his own. You shouldn't have to go through all of this by yourself and be stuck in your own thoughts. You need to be with people who love, uplift, and support you to remind you of the strong woman you are.
I don't have anything useful to say, I'm heartbroken for you it all sounds seriously shit. I just wanted to say please don't beat yourself up about it... I have a close friend in a similar situation and it's torture watching her blame herself and feel like it's somehow fault. The fault is with him entirely and I hope you can remember that through the anger and sadness :-(
Thinking of you Hun. Give him a massive kick in the nuts, whatever you decide to do.
You've received some great advice, more than what I had to offer. As PP mentioned, go in for a std check up. Always better to be safe than sorry. Thinking of you and I hope whatever you decide to do works out for you and you may start to heal. Thoughts and hugs.
I'm so sorry, this is what happened to me shortly after I found out I was pregnant. (Only my husband decided to leave me for his 19 year old "hottie" when confronted)
I went from stay at home mom to single working mother of two with one on the way, so if you need to talk let me know. That being said sometimes men are just jerks and stupid. Maybe he really is sorry and maybe it won't ever happen again. You just have to decide what you're willing to forgive, or if you can even try. Not knowing if you can trust your partner, especially with a new baby, definitely is a difficult road to go down. Only you know how much you can take and still be a happy momma for your baby.
Same goes for me - message me if you need to talk, vent , anything!!!
So sorry the whole story is awful. As previous posts said, if you can find support in friends and family that would be the best for now... Take care of yourself and baby ! It must hurt so much
I'm so sorry you're going through this so close to bringing your child into the world! I really wish I knew what to say other than that. Take care of yourself and your baby - if he really wants to fix things, he can show you by patiently waiting for you to be ready (if you'll be ready)
This is so awful. I just want to echo what a previous poster said and make sure you get tested for STDs. The fact that he would do this on a whim, when everything seemed to be going great with you two, makes me question if he hasn't done this before. Just seems crazy that he'd randomly find someone to have a one night stand with on Instagram out of the blue. Again I'm so sorry but the most important thing right now are your and baby's health.
Thank you again ladies. Dr is booked for Monday. It was the earliest I could get in unfortunately. I feel like this is all a bad dream. He's telling me I can have all his passwords, he'll download the find my friend app and all this stuff to make me feel secure but I just...don't trust him either way. He will probably just find another way to do something.
Thank you again ladies. Dr is booked for Monday. It was the earliest I could get in unfortunately. I feel like this is all a bad dream. He's telling me I can have all his passwords, he'll download the find my friend app and all this stuff to make me feel secure but I just...don't trust him either way. He will probably just find another way to do something.
I think you should probably ask him to step back. You need to think, and think hard, about this situation and it won't help having him begging and trying to make it right. He made his choice and now he needs to let you make your choice, whatever that may be and however long that may take. You need to make this decision with your head, not your heart, but sometimes it can take a bit for things to settle enough for you to think straight. Personally, I wouldn't leave my home and would be asking him to leave but that's up to you. It may help you more to go to someone's home to stay, someone you know that will let you vent but not push you one way or the other. And do something for yourself, manicure(with or without a friend), a funny movie, a pint (or half gallon) of your favorite ice cream. But you've got this, it hurts, it's unbearable, but you're going to come out the other side and be okay. We'll all listen whenever you need to vent or ask for any advice. Good luck with whatever you decide.
You've gotten lots of great advice, so I'll just say I shed some hormonal tears for you, OP. No one deserves that and no matter how you choose to go about the situation I hope it works out in the best possible way for you.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I have been there. With my last pregnancy I caught him at 32 weeks, and threw him out. Then the stress put me into preterm labor and I ended up on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. All I can say is, we worked it out, EVENTUALLY and it has been on my mind this entire pregnancy. But please do what is right for you, and try and keep that baby healthy! Stress is the worst thing for you right now and the last thing you need is to feel guilty for being upset. Best of luck to you!
Bless your heart...I wish I had some words of wisdom or advice for you but you've gotten a lot of good stuff from PPS here already. Just wanted to send some hugs and compassion your way and I hope this all works out for you in the end. What a horrible shock...I can't imagine the pain you must feel. If he is truly remorseful and it was a one-time deal then he needs to give you whatever time and space you need right now to process everything. Right now just take care of you and that little one. We're all here for ya if you need to vent it out or just emote but I agree that reaching out to someone in your circle/family is important right now. Sending hugs your way.
So sorry for what you're going through OP. I agree with @eamarat that he needs to take a step back until you are ready to deal with this. It sounds like he's desperately bargaining to get his old life back, but you shouldn't feel rushed into anything. He made the decision to cheat, so he should wait until you're ready to let him know what you have decided to do. I don't bad mouth my H to my family if I'm upset with him as I don't want them to dislike him, but IMO cheating crosses the line. I definitely feel that you should reach out to some close family members. They may well judge him, but that's completely his fault, not yours. If you do give him another chance eventually he can gain their trust back while regaining yours.
Re: Well...he cheated.
I don't know your relationship and havent walked in your shoes. I dont know if it would be better for you to get out now, or, if you both are willing to try to save your relationship.
IBefore we were married, it became clear that we either needed to break up or get some help. We researched couples therapists through google & the listings on psychology today's website. Made several calls (which eliminated a lot of ppl either bc they weren't a good fit, or, didn't take insurance), met with 2 different counselors and decided together who we wanted to see. I did hitake the lead on who he preferred to meet with, I took the lead in other areas.
That was 4-5yrs ago and we do occasional check ins now. We went 2x monthly for awhile. For us, counseling was helpful but we went consistently and held each other accountable. That's all the advice I can offer but I wish you all the best and I hope your hurting heart is soothed soon.
I went from stay at home mom to single working mother of two with one on the way, so if you need to talk let me know. That being said sometimes men are just jerks and stupid. Maybe he really is sorry and maybe it won't ever happen again. You just have to decide what you're willing to forgive, or if you can even try. Not knowing if you can trust your partner, especially with a new baby, definitely is a difficult road to go down. Only you know how much you can take and still be a happy momma for your baby.
Time to untwist your panties sweet heart.
You don't need to decide anything about your relationship now but if I were you I'd get checked for STDs as soon as possible (in case it was not the only time he cheated since the beginning of the pregnancy). Keeping baby safe is the most important right now.
Save as much energy as possible for baby, it's the most important right now!
I have also been through this recently myself.
The only advice I can give is.
Give yourself some space/you time
Sit down and talk with him
You will have to make a choice
To forgive him and start from "today" to repair your relationship
Or if you feel you can not forgive make it clear to him why, express how hurt you are.
I agree he doesn't have the right to be upset.
Your emotions would be running high right now.
Don't make any choices right now, give yourself time to get your head together.
But always remember to think of yourself and your baby/s.
Keep support & family close.
Never ever think your alone.
Xoxoxox
Thinking of you Hun. Give him a massive kick in the nuts, whatever you decide to do.
And do something for yourself, manicure(with or without a friend), a funny movie, a pint (or half gallon) of your favorite ice cream.
But you've got this, it hurts, it's unbearable, but you're going to come out the other side and be okay. We'll all listen whenever you need to vent or ask for any advice. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Best of luck to you!
I don't bad mouth my H to my family if I'm upset with him as I don't want them to dislike him, but IMO cheating crosses the line. I definitely feel that you should reach out to some close family members. They may well judge him, but that's completely his fault, not yours. If you do give him another chance eventually he can gain their trust back while regaining yours.