Anxiety/ppd confession

rachellegiacco · October 2015

I just want to start off by saying I would never harm my children nor have I ever came close to. But I have horrible dreams and thoughts when I'm awake about the what ifs. What if I stood up from the couch and my foot got caught in the blanket and I fell with her? What if I tripped down the stairs or just simply dropped her or hit her soft head on something?? I hate these feelings of ppd but the added scary thoughts (I didn't have that with my first, just sadness) is a whole new level of anxiety.

theglitteredpterodactyl · October 2015

First, you're definitely not a bad mom and it's really good that you recognise these thoughts for what they are-anxiety fueled intrusions. Talk to your doctor about this and see what they say. I've dealt with anxiety just in general and noticed it's really revved up post-partum. I think all my longest conversations with my partner are just me rambling all of the "what ifs" that I'm scared of (everything from what if I don't love her to what if she dies to what if I'm not reading her sleepy cues right, it's a wide range)

Take care of yourself and hang in there, you're not alone!

Yiggle09 · October 2015

When I was a week pp I constantly thought how I wish I'd never had my lo. How I'd made a huge mistake. I wanted to leave him with my husband and walk away. Again never harmed or wanted to harm him but I was miserable and thought what's the easiest way to be happy again. About a month pp my husband said I looked miserable that our son was beautiful and he was great and I should be proud of him and how everyone compliments us on him. All I associated him w was stress about bf and feeding him and how overwhelmed I was feeling. He snapped me out of my malaise. Now I enjoy him and feel proud of him smile for him. I still cry. I'm crying now lol but its cause I love him and talking about how I felt when he first was home is embarrassing but healing. He just nuzzled my boobs for milk something he hasn't done in weeks since we mostly bottle feed his bm I cried. Seek help if you feel you need it to get out from under water. There's no shame your not a failure but the dreams are what concerns me most for you. It's just a chemical imbalance just remember your not thinking these things your brain is manufacturing these feelings

TeacherMom210 · October 2015

I don't know if I've ever stopped having anxiety about falling down the stairs that I had with my first. I still worry about that one, especially when I am carrying LO and helping DD#1 walk down the stairs in the morning.

You know that these feelings are caused by anxiety, so that is a good start. In general, we worry because we care. Are you prone to anxiety in general or is this new? Keep an eye on it and maybe have your SO do so as well. If it doesn't lessen or stop, you might want to see someone about it. I have an anxiety disorder myself, and going to see a doctor about it was one of the best decisions I have made. Just a thought.

Atlasmom · October 2015

I love my little guy more than life itself. He is all I've ever wanted. My one dream come true. A couple of days PP I started to feel bad anxiety about something bad happening to him. The stairs scared me. Me tripping on something and dropping the baby. Me falling asleep with him and accidentally sophocating him. SIDS. A hidden illness. Etc. I started to feel the same anxiety over something bad happening to my husband and my family. I started meditating and basically talking to my self through the craziness and telling myself that it was all in my head and that LO and DH were safe and fine. I've been feeling better everyday. I was already thinking of getting medication if it got worse.

Keep an eye on it and if it doesn't improve talk to your doc. You are not alone.

junebaby20 · October 2015

Talk to your doc about PP OCD. I have it and take meds. These what it's would pop up in my head and I thought I was going insane.

rachellegiacco · October 2015

Thank you I feel a little better knowing I'm not alone and that I'm not crazy. I wanted to go to the doc but I'm hesitant because I didn't like the meds they put me on with my first baby. It made the sadness go away yes but it made me feel numb to everything. I'm not sure if that is better

chelseajeanene · October 2015

I had these thoughts so bad before I started my depression medication and they've now gone away. I do have thoughts of accidentally hurting him still sometimes but I've realized those thoughts are normal. Are you on medication? I highly recommend it because I hated myself when I was going through those thoughts. Anything I picked up I imagined hurting the baby with and it made me sick

theglitteredpterodactyl · October 2015

@rachellegiacco knowing that a particular medication didn't work well the first time is a great thing to tell your doctor, it can help them find a better option for you this time around. It can be frustrating for people when they first start the journey, but medication for any kind of mental health issue (pp and beyond) can take some time to get just right.

Anecdotal aside, but I was put on antidepressants in high school and absolutely hated how they made me feel so I stopped taking them and was opposed to any kind of medication. I spent ten years doing mediations and therapy and finally my issues got so bad I caved and looked into medication. I was diagnosed as bipolar, and people with bipolar do ~horribly~ on antidepressants, so of course I hated them. Part of me wishes I had just worked through that initially because it could have saved me ten years of some really big swings, but now I have ten years of intense mindfulness and meditation exercises that help keep me balanced.

Which is not to say I think you're bipolar, or have anything beyond post partum anxiety/depression, just that it's still a good idea to stay open to meds even if the first option didn't work out well. Best of luck!

kmcshane0211 · October 2015

Yes! I had these too. Very characteristic of anxiety. I've had them before I was pregnant and notice they always flare when I'm anxious or stressed. Just remember...they're just thoughts! Try and laugh at them and remind yourself they're just thoughts.

kaybee03 · October 2015

You are not alone!

andrea7782 · October 2015

...I don't have these dreams and imagines of hurting my baby. But I suffer from anxiety , I feel constantly all day and night in stress, my stomach vibrates , can't take a deep breath and relax . I spoke to my husband and family about it but they don't take me seriously about how I feel. I believe I might have postpartum depression or baby blues , I don't know what the difference is. But I don't feel good and I don't feel myself and I don't know what to do or calm myself down. I am scare to tell my dr. As I don't wanna take any medication.

stumpty · October 2015

@andrea7782 I am feeling the same way. I just don't feel good. I never want to leave the house or see anyone. i don't like taking medication so I'm worried about talking to my dr about it.

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