Well...he cheated.

bbsweet · October 2015

Yup, the love of my life, who I honestly thought we were so happy, so perfect, couldn't wait for our perfect little family cheated. 3 weeks before my due date. He finally admitted it after a fight. Oh and I found out because the girl actually messaged me. So, we are supposed to move into our house in 2 weeks. Baby girl due in 3 and I'm basically completely lost. He says he's sorry, it'll never happen again, she shows remorse but....yeah. my hearts pretty much ice at this point. He's upset because I won't even kiss him...hmm I wonder why. Help? I'm trying not to stress for baby but it's hard.

Charismatic69 · October 2015

MEN!!
Some are such inconsiderate pigs!! I'm sorry you are going through this at such a late stage in your pregnancy.
Questions you need to ask yourself now are,
Do you want to still be with him?
Can you forgive him & move on from this?
Right now you need to do what's best for you.

tayzav · October 2015

What PP poster said. I am so so sorry you're going through this, especially right now at what's supposed to be such an exciting time in your life. Men are pigs. Try to take some time for yourself and gather your thoughts. No matter what your decision is in the end, make sure to give yourself that time to really think about what you want to do. Don't give into his "I'm sorry it won't happen again" bullshit until if and when you're ready to, and even decide to. Thinking of you.

thegingeravenger · October 2015

I'm so sorry. For the record - he doesn't get to be upset right now. You don't need to decide what you want to do right this moment. You don't even need to decide this in the next few months. Once you cry a bit and indulge in some sort of sweet treat, look up a therapist that your insurance covers and make an appointment. This will be the person that helps you decide what you want to do. They'll teach you healthy ways to cope with your pain, be a judgement-free place to air your feelings, and help you -when you're ready- decide what you do with your guy. You can demand couple's therapy if you want as well. If this is a dealbreaker for you and you don't need time, I still recommend the therapist, but go ahead and start the process of separating/going to the courts.

Is he willingly offering you passwords, access to his phone, offering to do whatever takes to make this work? I will say that true remorse would be him offering to fly you to the moon to even just try to make things work out. Actions speak louder than words.

All the hugs to you.

jscasher · October 2015

I'm so, so sorry.

some men are absolute jerks. You need to do what's best for you and little one, and nobody here can tell you whether or not you should stay or go. I wish we could help you make that choice. Is there a friend or family member you can stay with for a few days to clear your hear and do some hardcore thinking?

HopefulMNMom · October 2015

That's awful. Take some time to really think about how you want to handle the situation. Nothing needs to be decided right now. Sending hugs your way!

kwaldy · October 2015

@thegingeravenger said everything I was thinking and probably said it better than I could have.
Thoughts going out to you, OP.

thefithuntress · October 2015

Ugh, I am so sorry. What an asshole.

I truly hope that you can find a place where you feel comfortable and the time you need to decide what works for you. Like previous posters said you get to decide where your relationship goes and how you feel about it. He doesn't get to decide anything right now.

Do everything you need to mend. Maybe steal his credit card and let him treat you to some spa time.

kesmeredith · October 2015

Heart breaking! So so sorry for you. I agree with PP that a therapist is a good place to start. Either just for you or for the both of you. You will make it through this!

savyjohn1 · October 2015

I can honestly say...been there. After 9 years and 2 kids, my hubs screwed up. Big time. I took my kids and left. Hardest day of my life. I ended up moving back home, into the guest room, while we figured things out. My husband went through rehab for alcohol, changed all of his phone numbers, erased his facebook account, pretty much anything I asked him to do. We went through some counseling, and have since worked things out. He is back to the guy I married. I can honestly say leaving was the best thing I could have done, it was a wake up call for him, and the only thing that made him realize how bad the situation really was. I would not let him even touch me for a long time, and quite honestly I still struggle with some things. I will never forget, but have chosen to forgive and move on. You definitely need to think about you and baby, and what you want and will be able to do moving forward. Give yourself some space and time and go talk to someone!! I hope and pray that you find the answers for you, and hang in there. I know exactly how you are feeling and it sucks. Hugs and prayers for you and little one.

MargaretC5 · October 2015

I think the PP have given you great advise. I just wanted to say I am sorry you are going thru this and give you creepy Internet hugs.

ashleywuli · October 2015

Ugh!! Men can be such jerks!!! You have received amazing advice above, which I fully agree with. Take time for yourself and figure out what you want, and can handle. He doesn't have the right or get to be upset right now. This is YOUR time. Just try to relax maybe take a night or two away and get a hotel room or stay with family or friend

ash413 · October 2015

I would avoid making any big decisions. You are stressed, hormones are high, and you are getting ready to welcome a new baby into the world. I would just focus on you and baby for now. Definitely seek out a therapist to help you work through your feelings. Is there someone you can lean on right now like mom, sister, friend.
I am so sorry you are going through such a sucky situation right now.
Like others said he doesn't get to be mad, he destroyed your trust. Don't let him tell you how to act or feel.

PetitNightingale · October 2015

I am so, so, so sorry this happened to you. This is just vile that he did this. I cannot understand how some people can be so blindingly selfish even as they claim to love someone. Please take gentle care of you and your baby.

I have never been in your shoes and can't tell you what do but please, take care of you--even if that means taking some time away from him.

Ugh rage.

MoonUnitNugget · October 2015

PetitNightingale said:
I am so, so, so sorry this happened to you. This is just vile that he did this. I cannot understand how some people can be so blindingly selfish even as they claim to love someone. Please take gentle care of you and your baby.

I have never been in your shoes and can't tell you what do but please, take care of you--even if that means taking some time away from him.

Ugh rage.

Is this a joke. I thought you left....?!

Elyse1384 · October 2015

Wow that is horrible. Sorry you are dealing with that. PPs have said what I would have so I just wanted to offer my support. Definitely use this time to focus on you and LO. Take all the time you need to make a decision for how you want to proceed with the relationship.

PetitNightingale · October 2015

Oh, I did. I got seriously, seriously depressed and felt I needed to take some time and revaluate things, especially if I was upsetting so many people with my behavior and in turn allowing it to upset me so much. I don't plan on resuming any AW behavior, I'm just trying to be a helpful member of the community. I have no real practical advice but can still offer support. In light of not wanting any drama, I really don't want to detract from OPs thread--this is about her, not me--so that's all I will say.

VexedMommy · October 2015

I'm so sorry to hear this. You definitely have some tough decisions ahead. While you definitely have time to make some decisions and the ability to change your mind at any point, I would think carefully about a couple of things immediately. I'm not sure about your marital status. It may affect some of the legal aspects of your decisions.

You guys are moving in two weeks. Have you already signed the lease/mortgage in both of your names? If not you may want to think whether you want that tying you together. If you're both on the legal documents for the new place you are not able to force him to leave (he can't force you out either.)

Do you want your daughter to have his last name? You have a few weeks to decide, and if you're married you may not have a choice but it's something to think about.

Something to remember, no matter what your choice he is obligated to support your child and the power of the state will compel him to do so if he wants to act like an ass.

Finally, feel whatever you're feeling. He has no rights at this point to be upset at you for however you feel. Even if it's completely different than how you felt a few hours before.

MoonUnitNugget · October 2015

Op I am really sorry that happened to you. What an asshole! Be strong for your family and you baby.

grapesoda1111 · October 2015

What PP's said. I'm so sorry mama

rubirubi89 · October 2015

What an asshole! I know a guy who knows a guy. Bang bang! :!!

threatlevelmidnight · October 2015

I have no good advice, but I will be lifting you up in prayer! Stay strong mama! So sorry for you.

rmbuchholz · October 2015

Totally agree with what @GingerAvenger and other PPs have said - take some time to think, talk to someone, seek a therapist, don't forget (or let him forget) how incredibly important you and baby's health (physical and emotional) are right now.

I am so so sorry that you are going through this. My heart breaks for you

petreann · October 2015

So sorry to hear this. PP have given great advice. You and LO are in my T&P

alynny · October 2015

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, do what's best for you and baby. Praying for you!

mrsgabus · October 2015

I have been there,in my case we had been moving into an apartment and had already given first and last .

I helped him move all his stuff and then moved in with my dad for awhile . We tried to give it another go but I was never able to fully trust him.

However in no way am I saying to give up on your relationship . Some people honestly make horrible foolish mistakes and some people are able to work through such a mistake .

For the time being I would try to focus on you and LO. If you have family maybe you could stay with them for a few weeks for help and to fully decide .

Or maybe he can stay with someone . Seeing someone for yourself or as a couple cannot hurt

NovemberSno · October 2015

I'm so sorry, that's terrible! Only advice I have is to keep this between you and him until you decide for sure what you want to do. Sometimes it's easy to let your feelings out to family/friends but remember if you decide to stay with him they will never forget what he did and it'll cause you and him problems aside from just this. I agree with some PP about a therapist. This same thing happened to my sister and she posted it on FB that she was getting a divorce because he cheated. They had 3 kids together and she decided to stay with him but now she had to explain to everyone her personal business. Also, IF IF IF you do decide to stay with him eventually you have to let it go in order to move on with your lives. I'm not saying now but eventually. My sister used to bring it up to her husband everytime they argued even if they were arguing about dishes. It's understandable because she was still hurt but I told her the same thing and she stopped doing that and they are so much healthier now. They did get couples counseling too which is a good idea I think. I hope you're ok, it sucks you have to deal with this. Especially right now. Be strong for you and you're little one. Hugs!

dmiller1213 · October 2015

So sorry! No one deserves to be treated that way. Do what's best for yourself and your LO. Hugs

nano1 · October 2015

I'm so sorry to see this, what an aweful situation. I'll be thinking of you @bbsweet sending lots of creepy Internet love!!!

As for that, "valuation," sounds like we have a winner aboard.

poupoule · October 2015

So sorry...

A few good points:

He admitted it, he is remorseful, how the hell do you know her though ? How did she get your phone ? Is it someone part of your life ? Was it a one time thing, was it more ?

My grandmother always told me that there was no faithful men, her husband, love of her life, after 20 years of marriage when she thought they were like the perfect couple. He had actually cheated on her since the beginning, with all her friends...

I encourage my husband to tell me who he finds sexy, and we are really opened about it. We often joke of us having affairs around, which kind of builds the trust too, as we joke about it between us...

We don't know him and can't be in your shoes, but I would say that if you can really relay on him, and that he will be here for you and baby. I personally would make a huge scene but give him another chance. If that ever happens again though, that's another story.

thegingeravenger · October 2015

poupoule said:
So sorry...
A few good points:
He admitted it, he is remorseful, how the hell do you know her though ? How did she get your phone ? Is it someone part of your life ? Was it a one time thing, was it more ?

My grandmother always told me that there was no faithful men, her husband, love of her life, after 20 years of marriage when she thought they were like the perfect couple. He had actually cheated on her since the beginning, with all her friends...
I encourage my husband to tell me who he finds sexy, and we are really opened about it. We often joke of us having affairs around, which kind of builds the trust too, as we joke about it between us...

We don't know him and can't be in your shoes, but I would say that if you can really relay on him, and that he will be here for you and baby. I personally would make a huge scene but give him another chance. If that ever happens again though, that's another story.

... He admitted it after being caught. The other woman had to call her to tell her. That's not an immediate sign of being remorseful - that's an immediate sign of being sorry you got caught. Tracking down her number was probably easy - people that are dumb enough to cheat are also dumb enough to leave their phones out so that the person they cheated with can grab a number. Or Facebook stalking.

poupoule · October 2015

That would mean it was more than one time ? I can't imagine why the girl would text her if it was a one time thing.

If it was a real affair on the side, that is another story. I could not forgive it.

PetitNightingale · October 2015

Counseling is really the only helpful thing I can think of to say. It has helped me immensely and obviously, different situation but I really feel like you must need someone qualified to talk to at such a difficult time. You're in my prayers.

thegingeravenger · October 2015

poupoule said:
That would mean it was more than one time ? I can't imagine why the girl would text her if it was a one time thing.
If it was a real affair on the side, that is another story. I could not forgive it.

Many people don't realize that their ONS is married/or in a relationship until they put their ring back on once the deed is done or until something slips after the fact.

If I was in some sort of twisted parallel universe and I had a sexual relationship with someone that I found out after the fact that he was in a relationship I would track the woman down to the best of my ability. No matter the end result is, the person cheated on deserves to know.

lakesideknitter · October 2015

poupoule said:
That would mean it was more than one time ? I can't imagine why the girl would text her if it was a one time thing.
If it was a real affair on the side, that is another story. I could not forgive it.

What? I don't understand your reasoning here. She'd only contact his wife if he had cheated multiple times? Why would it matter?

Elyse1384 · October 2015

poupoule said:
So sorry...
A few good points:
He admitted it, he is remorseful, how the hell do you know her though ? How did she get your phone ? Is it someone part of your life ? Was it a one time thing, was it more ?

My grandmother always told me that there was no faithful men, her husband, love of her life, after 20 years of marriage when she thought they were like the perfect couple. He had actually cheated on her since the beginning, with all her friends...
I encourage my husband to tell me who he finds sexy, and we are really opened about it. We often joke of us having affairs around, which kind of builds the trust too, as we joke about it between us...

We don't know him and can't be in your shoes, but I would say that if you can really relay on him, and that he will be here for you and baby. I personally would make a huge scene but give him another chance. If that ever happens again though, that's another story.

Ummmm... I seriously hope you don't believe your grandmother because she is dead wrong that there are no faithful men out there. Sounds more like she said that out of disbelief over what happened to her.

tdart14 · October 2015

Sorry for what you are going through. I have no advice that hasn't been said already.

On a side not after reading the response I do want to point out that 1) all men are not pigs. That is a broad and outrageous statement. 2) men are not the only ones that cheat.

Sorry to jump onto that but some of the response got to me. I hope that everything works out for the best for you no matter what you choose to do.

nmwheel1 · October 2015

Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear this. You've been given some great advice and I hope everything works out for you, whatever path you choose. Best of luck

PetitNightingale · October 2015

IMO I don't think anyone is childish enough to actually think that all men cheat or that only men can do shitty things. The general consensus I've heard here from most women is that their DHs have been warm and encouraging for the most part, which has restored a bit of my optimism. OPs husband appears to be "sorry he got caught" as opposed to actually sorry. Doesn't mean he is a bad person but this probably the worst thing a man could do, ever, in my book. I think the rage is justified.

Elyse1384 · October 2015

PetitNightingale said:
IMO I don't think anyone is childish enough to actually think that all men cheat or that only men can do shitty things. The general consensus I've heard here from most women is that their DHs have been warm and encouraging for the most part, which has restored a bit of my optimism. OPs husband appears to be "sorry he got caught" as opposed to actually sorry. Doesn't mean he is a bad person but this probably the worst thing a man could do, ever, in my book. I think the rage is justified.

I think you need to separate the justified anger of OP from some of the replies that brought about the defense of men. You would be surprised how many women feel strongly that there are no faithful men, just as some men out there have absurd blanket beliefs about "all women" too. I used to have a male friend who truly believed all women were gold diggers. Sadly this view of others tends to be a self defense mechanism by someone who was personally hurt by such a person or someone who grew up watching an abusive/unfortunate relationship. When I see a poster insinuating that this absurdity could be the case (even if simply messaged through a third part source), it bothers me as OP shouldn't be left with a feeling of "yeah that sucks! Sadly that's what men do".

nursewho · October 2015

So sorry to hear you're going through this right now! I second what PP said about keeping this to just a few close people. My best friend always says "you may love him, but your close ones love you, not him". Of course, you still need some support! Creepy internet hugs!

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