Unfortunately I cannot even sit in my own living room due to the scents from the cats and the cats are tearing up my walls by clawing when I just spent $50k remodeling my house. I didn't want the cats in the first place and it is my house. They aren't my cats yet I clean the litter feed them pay for the food etc. When pregnant you're not supposed to clean litter boxes it can lead to miscarriage and I've had 2 miscarriages in the past and don't want another.
Only if you have outdoor cats... If they're indoor cats you can change the litter.
@Htow89 I apologize if this comes across as bitchy- that certainly isn't my intent- but I noticed you said "I decided [...] we should start trying". Was he a part of this decision? If not, I can see where he would be upset.
In regards to the cats- you could look into a behaviorist that specializes in cats, I'm sure they would be able to help you find some solutions. I can try to give you some advice here, although it can be a little tough over the Internet. Some good news- my allergist said its actually good to be exposed to animals during pregnancy, it can help prevent dog/cat allergies in your baby!
It seems like you have bigger issues than the cats if your fiance is willing to leave you while you're pregnant . . . maybe some premarital counseling is needed?
I agree with @Alparsons and you should seek professional counseling. I could give you my opinion on what I would do in your situation, but you are the ones who are either going to separate or stay together. You bear all the responsibility and risks of decisions made, and that'll eventually effect your family. It requires more than advice from the internet.
Have you asked him when not in an argument but in a calm loving setting, "honey, are you scared? Is that what's going on bc I know you and I know how much you love our children and being a Dad which you are amazing at!" See what he says then.
We went through something devasting making me seriously ill and I didn't understand my husbands reaction, anger and lack of support till I finally simply, calmy asked him that simply question. Men don't like to show they are scared to their wives bc they like to protect us and when they feel helpless they get angry and can turn that out on us. They don't really mean to but they don't know how to handle their feelings like us. Sometimes we jus trace to call them out on their true feelings and see through all the other stuff. Then the elephant in the room is out and you guys can talk about those fears, come up with a plan etc. share how supportive you will and are of him and that won't change. Encourage him etc. this is incredibly hard for you and it was for me with what I went through but remember this effects you both and the total dynamic of the family and how you get from one day to the next.
It will work out. The sooner you lovingly talk to him and put your hurt aside making sure not to get angry, the better. Just love him and reassure him. Then once he feels secure again watch him be your night and shining armor again!
@TheThornBird I should have put we. He did know about trying. He was more excited than I was at first, in fact. It just seems like it's all overwhelming him. And we are doing premarital counseling, but I feel that relationships should be equal compromise. My dogs have been inside dogs for 6 years and now they are outside because of his allergies. But when his house got foreclosed and he moved in with me (he was laid off from the Union for a year is currently back with them) he had no choice but to get his cats. Which he had locked in a back bedroom and fed them 2x a week bcuz he stayed with me more than his house. If the cats and then smells weren't causing problems I wouldn't have a problem. I know I sound selfish, but I feel like I'm compromising when he isn't. If they could make it outside I would be fine with that!
Even though we both wanted this child, I feel like it's driving us apart 3 weeks ago before I had symptoms everything was great! We had only ever had one fight and it was nothing major and now the last couple of weeks I feel like it's ll changed.
@Htow89 Whew, glad to hear it was a mutual decision!
Have you had an ultrasound yet, and did he go with you? With my first pregnancy, it didn't seem real to my SO until after the ultrasound. You also mentioned previous miscarriages- were they with him? He may be holding back on acknowledging it's real until you're a little further along. My SO is like this now; he's great, but doesn't want to talk baby stuff and sometimes forgets (he's offered me beer, ha) because he won't accept its real until we get past 12 weeks (our miscarriage hit him really hard).
Premarital counseling is a great idea, I highly recommend it.
Have you drawn some boundaries in regards to the cats? Such as, if he doesn't feed, care for, and make sure the cats aren't destroying things and pooping everywhere, then the cats need to go; if he refuses, then he needs to go, too. Sounds harsh, but I'm actually your fiancé in my relationship- I have lots of pets that my SO dislikes, so it's my responsibility to make sure they are cared for, things are kept clean at all times, and they don't destroy our home. If I don't fulfill my end of our compromise, the animals have to go, which I think is fair. If you do go that route, do it before you are married- once you are, it'll be harder to ask him to leave.
@mariaalene We tried putting the cats outside and they started spraying the door one wouldn't even leave the porch she was so terrified. Don't get me wrong, I love animals I have two outside dogs and a stray cat that we feed. When they get mad they poop on the floor in the dining room, we aren't sure which one does it, but I can try the soft paws. The other issue is that the reason he doesn't take care of them is because he is highly allergic, and I fear the baby will be too. He can't sit on the couch without sneezing like crazy and eyes getting puffy because that's where they lay to look out the window.
This is unrelated to your current problem, but I don't understand how people who have outside dogs "love" animals. I consider myself an animal lover, and I would never leave any animal alone outside for an extended period of time. You're not sending off an animal lover vibe.
ETA: I just read they're outside because of your fiances allergies. Sounds like his allergies are kind of flaky... Like he is, apparently.
It sounds a little bit like you all have taken on too much at once (I can't imagine planning a baby before having really lived together). It also sounds like you still think of it as your house, which might be manifesting itself in ways other than the cats. I do think it's very weird that he has pets that he physically can't take care of. If he can live in a house with two cats, he can deal with cleaning litter boxes. And if you're worried about toxoplasmosis, you could get a blood test to determine whether you're immune. Many people are.
@katykatykaty Its hard to put all details on here, but the dogs stay in the mud room that's heated and attached to the back of the house, they are only outside when I let them out and stay with them, the rest of the time they are inside.
My first u/s is next Friday and I'm not sure if he will be going now. There are a lot more details but I can't post everything.
@Alparsons he's mentioned the baby once or twice and made a point to tell my mom to make sure she doesn't get rid of any of the baby clothes since we will need them. That's progress. I'm going to ask him to go to my counselor with me next week to see if we can really get to it. I'm still just dealing with being terrified or losing the baby and trying to take care of myself and be calm.
Our Miracles: BFP- May 14, 2015... diagnosed with SCH. Collapsed Sac- May 29, 2015. Determined to be failed twin tetraploidy pregnancy. "Never in my arms, Always in my heart"
I swear I can't even tell if people are being serious or if they're just plain bored/hormonal on this app. Do not listen to that crap! You're pregnant! You have every right to feel calm and secure in your own surroundings. I'm really sorry you're going through this and that these people are clearly so miserable that they feel the need to say nasty things to a woman who clearly needs support.
Sometimes people need reality checks and someone to tell them that they're not 100% correct or being selfish. Sometimes it's also helpful to have someone to encourage you to see things from the other persons side.
Support isn't only telling someone they're "totez right to feel how they do". You can disagree and still support someone.
Update: my SO and I have come to a compromise. We have decided to haven the cats declawed, he will be changing the litter and doing it more frequently, as well as changing the litter to odor free. Also, for the trip hazard down the stairs, the cats will be kept in a room at night and I will let them run the house during the day. Hopefully this fixes the issues I was having. Since the cats have been indoors their whole lives it would be unfair to put them outdoors, especially this close to winter. I'm hoping by my second trimester my sense of smell won't be so great and my hormones will be in check. We are still going to do premarital counseling, however we both agreed it's too stressful to plan our wedding right now with such a short amount of time, so we are moving the wedding to the fall when baby will be 5-6 mo. Thank you all for your supportive feedback, it was greatly appreciated
@Alparsons he's mentioned the baby once or twice and made a point to tell my mom to make sure she doesn't get rid of any of the baby clothes since we will need them. That's progress. I'm going to ask him to go to my counselor with me next week to see if we can really get to it. I'm still just dealing with being terrified or losing the baby and trying to take care of myself and be calm.
@megmarissa - praying for you and I hope that he is willing to go to the counselor with you. That is progress that he asked your mom to keep the baby clothes! Maybe he is coming around on his own time. I would talk to him about his fears and try and be understanding. I'm sure that he is going through a lot of emotions right now, as are you. If you come together as a team, you can get through his illness and have a healthy pregnancy! T&P for your family!
Update: my SO and I have come to a compromise. We have decided to haven the cats declawed, he will be changing the litter and doing it more frequently, as well as changing the litter to odor free. Also, for the trip hazard down the stairs, the cats will be kept in a room at night and I will let them run the house during the day. Hopefully this fixes the issues I was having. Since the cats have been indoors their whole lives it would be unfair to put them outdoors, especially this close to winter. I'm hoping by my second trimester my sense of smell won't be so great and my hormones will be in check. We are still going to do premarital counseling, however we both agreed it's too stressful to plan our wedding right now with such a short amount of time, so we are moving the wedding to the fall when baby will be 5-6 mo. Thank you all for your supportive feedback, it was greatly appreciated
@htow89 - Glad that y'all were able to come to a compromise with the cats and you are going to have the premarital counseling. I think that if you both think the wedding you want to have would be too much in the current time frame, it's wise of you both to consider moving the date to later in the year. It sounds like you're on the right path. Glad to know things are better for you today! Hopefully things will only continue to get better for you, and then you will be able to have your LO at your wedding with you!
Update: my SO and I have come to a compromise. We have decided to haven the cats declawed, he will be changing the litter and doing it more frequently, as well as changing the litter to odor free. Also, for the trip hazard down the stairs, the cats will be kept in a room at night and I will let them run the house during the day. Hopefully this fixes the issues I was having. Since the cats have been indoors their whole lives it would be unfair to put them outdoors, especially this close to winter. I'm hoping by my second trimester my sense of smell won't be so great and my hormones will be in check. We are still going to do premarital counseling, however we both agreed it's too stressful to plan our wedding right now with such a short amount of time, so we are moving the wedding to the fall when baby will be 5-6 mo. Thank you all for your supportive feedback, it was greatly appreciated
Please please please do not de-claw your cats. It is so inhumane! They literally break their knuckles and pull their claws out. It is a truly horrible things.
Update: my SO and I have come to a compromise. We have decided to haven the cats declawed, he will be changing the litter and doing it more frequently, as well as changing the litter to odor free. Also, for the trip hazard down the stairs, the cats will be kept in a room at night and I will let them run the house during the day. Hopefully this fixes the issues I was having. Since the cats have been indoors their whole lives it would be unfair to put them outdoors, especially this close to winter. I'm hoping by my second trimester my sense of smell won't be so great and my hormones will be in check. We are still going to do premarital counseling, however we both agreed it's too stressful to plan our wedding right now with such a short amount of time, so we are moving the wedding to the fall when baby will be 5-6 mo. Thank you all for your supportive feedback, it was greatly appreciated
Please please please do not de-claw your cats. It is so inhumane! They literally break their knuckles and pull their claws out. It is a truly horrible things.
Also especially if it's done when they are adults, the cat can become discouraged from using a litter box bc now they don't like the feel on their sensitive feet. You might end up with even bigger problems
I'd encourage you to check out a feline behaviorist for help with your cats. It can actually be much cheaper than getting surgery for claw removal, and they can help you with the litter box problem.
But I'm so happy you two were able to reach a compromise and agreed to do premarital counseling! It sounds like things are on the right track
Update: my SO and I have come to a compromise. We have decided to haven the cats declawed, he will be changing the litter and doing it more frequently, as well as changing the litter to odor free. Also, for the trip hazard down the stairs, the cats will be kept in a room at night and I will let them run the house during the day. Hopefully this fixes the issues I was having. Since the cats have been indoors their whole lives it would be unfair to put them outdoors, especially this close to winter. I'm hoping by my second trimester my sense of smell won't be so great and my hormones will be in check. We are still going to do premarital counseling, however we both agreed it's too stressful to plan our wedding right now with such a short amount of time, so we are moving the wedding to the fall when baby will be 5-6 mo. Thank you all for your supportive feedback, it was greatly appreciated
Imagine having your fingers chopped at the knuckle under your fingernail...that's what they do to declaw cats. Someone suggested a product called soft laws and i urge you to atleast consider this before inflicting this kind of pain and cruelty on these cats. It can cause the cats to get serious infections and can cause them pain to use litterboxes.
Update: my SO and I have come to a compromise. We have decided to haven the cats declawed, he will be changing the litter and doing it more frequently, as well as changing the litter to odor free. Also, for the trip hazard down the stairs, the cats will be kept in a room at night and I will let them run the house during the day. Hopefully this fixes the issues I was having. Since the cats have been indoors their whole lives it would be unfair to put them outdoors, especially this close to winter. I'm hoping by my second trimester my sense of smell won't be so great and my hormones will be in check. We are still going to do premarital counseling, however we both agreed it's too stressful to plan our wedding right now with such a short amount of time, so we are moving the wedding to the fall when baby will be 5-6 mo. Thank you all for your supportive feedback, it was greatly appreciated
Imagine having your fingers chopped at the knuckle under your fingernail...that's what they do to declaw cats. Someone suggested a product called soft laws and i urge you to atleast consider this before inflicting this kind of pain and cruelty on these cats. It can cause the cats to get serious infections and can cause them pain to use litterboxes.
I have to say, I agree. I had a declawed cat once. She was that way when I got her. Cutting off their toes causes a whole mess of other problems and I guarantee you'll end up rehoming them. They can get aggressive because they feel vulnerable after being chopped up and having no natural defenses so they are more likely to bite and have behavioral issues. They can also develop litterbox avoidance issues, which if there is already a tendency then that's the last thing you want to risk exacerbating. At the risk of sounding judgy I'm kinda appalled that he was keeping them locked away in some room and only going in to feed them a couple times a week. That's probably why they have behavioral issues now... I hope you know no-one is being rude by warning you about the declawing thing, it's actually illegal to declaw in other countries because it's considered inhumane. Imho, if y'all don't want to invest in some training/counseling from someone that specializes in cat issues I think they would probably be best in another home.
Eta: Sorry OP for hijacking your thread! I think others have it right, he's scared and worried about how he will perform with his health issues and a new baby. It's just alot of stress. I'm surprised there wasn't a talk about condoms or something if he was really worried about it, but I guess it's a bit late for that now. I'm sure he'll come around and I doubt the retirement excuse is legit.
What everyone else said about declawing: it will cause more problems than it solves. And Soft Paws are totally an option!!!
But also: Litter! I cannot recommend highly enough Arm and Hammer Odor-Free Clumping litter. Not only are there no odors, there is no dust! I have to clean/dust around the litter box ten times less than I used to, plus with no dust there are no lung issues for the cats. Seriously the best thing in litter since ever.
@Htow89, along with what other PPs have said about declawing, good luck finding a vet that will do it! Most of them, at least in my area find it deplorable and will tell you to GTFO of their office if you ask about it.
FYI - declawing adult cats leads to litter box issues (they will likely stop using the boxes and start peeing & pooping all over your house. Enjoy that.)
Some women are very rude on here she probably didn't know so you guys probably could be a little more considerate. ...
Rude? For objecting to a cruel animal practice? Any responsible pet owner would do a little research before consenting to an unnecessary, inhumane procedure for the sake of the freaking furniture. What would have been the more polite response? "I'm sorry for the loss of your curtains. Yes, I think it would be appropriate to maim innocent animals that neither of you seem to care about in order to save your relationship." Give me a freaking break.
Some women are very rude on here she probably didn't know so you guys probably could be a little more considerate. ...
I don't think anyone was being rude. Looks to me like everyone just wanted her to make sure she knew what she was doing before she did it... I know with my pets I do loads of research before I do anything for them. I would want to make sure any other responsible pet owner had the opportunity to know information on all sides. I would also want people to give me information I was missing if it were me.
I had a cat that had me absolutely at witts end. I was talking to vets about declawing, even though I really didn't want to do it. We tried the nail caps as a last effort before declawing. He had to be sedated by the vet to have them put on, but we did it. Every 6 weeks for 2 years the cat went to the vet, got sedated and had his caps changed. He was a terror and we couldn't really touch his claws without being attacked. (Sedating was a challenge in and of itself.) When my long time roommate and I had to part ways, she asked if she could have the cat. He was much more bonded to her than me, and slept with her every night. So I agreed it was best for her to keep him, but offered to continue paying for the caps and sedation. She decided she wasn't going to use the caps because clawing didn't bother her. After 2 years with the caps, he no longer had the behavior. He never claws anymore. I would highly recommend trying them, especially if you have nicer cats than mine was and can get away without sedating. It might just break the behavior.
I worked at a vets office for 4 years, I know what it entails and have been in surgery when the procedure was performed. This is why it is typically done with the spay and neuter process when they are young. I have had cats before that were declawed when I adopted them. I never had a litter issue with it. It doesn't matter if I put the cats outside or declaw them someone will always have an issue with it. Both cats are barely a year old so if I had it my way they would be rehomed with a nice older lady who has the time and patience for them, however my SO is not ok with that. He is the one that wants to declaw them and was planning on having it done during the spay. I understand everyone's judgement here, but its his choice and if he would rather do that and keep the cats then it's on him.
Re: Hubby doesn't want baby + intro
In regards to the cats- you could look into a behaviorist that specializes in cats, I'm sure they would be able to help you find some solutions. I can try to give you some advice here, although it can be a little tough over the Internet. Some good news- my allergist said its actually good to be exposed to animals during pregnancy, it can help prevent dog/cat allergies in your baby!
We went through something devasting making me seriously ill and I didn't understand my husbands reaction, anger and lack of support till I finally simply, calmy asked him that simply question. Men don't like to show they are scared to their wives bc they like to protect us and when they feel helpless they get angry and can turn that out on us. They don't really mean to but they don't know how to handle their feelings like us. Sometimes we jus trace to call them out on their true feelings and see through all the other stuff. Then the elephant in the room is out and you guys can talk about those fears, come up with a plan etc. share how supportive you will and are of him and that won't change. Encourage him etc. this is incredibly hard for you and it was for me with what I went through but remember this effects you both and the total dynamic of the family and how you get from one day to the next.
It will work out. The sooner you lovingly talk to him and put your hurt aside making sure not to get angry, the better. Just love him and reassure him. Then once he feels secure again watch him be your night and shining armor again!
Even though we both wanted this child, I feel like it's driving us apart 3 weeks ago before I had symptoms everything was great! We had only ever had one fight and it was nothing major and now the last couple of weeks I feel like it's ll changed.
Have you had an ultrasound yet, and did he go with you? With my first pregnancy, it didn't seem real to my SO until after the ultrasound. You also mentioned previous miscarriages- were they with him? He may be holding back on acknowledging it's real until you're a little further along. My SO is like this now; he's great, but doesn't want to talk baby stuff and sometimes forgets (he's offered me beer, ha) because he won't accept its real until we get past 12 weeks (our miscarriage hit him really hard).
Premarital counseling is a great idea, I highly recommend it.
Have you drawn some boundaries in regards to the cats? Such as, if he doesn't feed, care for, and make sure the cats aren't destroying things and pooping everywhere, then the cats need to go; if he refuses, then he needs to go, too. Sounds harsh, but I'm actually your fiancé in my relationship- I have lots of pets that my SO dislikes, so it's my responsibility to make sure they are cared for, things are kept clean at all times, and they don't destroy our home. If I don't fulfill my end of our compromise, the animals have to go, which I think is fair. If you do go that route, do it before you are married- once you are, it'll be harder to ask him to leave.
ETA: I just read they're outside because of your fiances allergies. Sounds like his allergies are kind of flaky... Like he is, apparently.
My first u/s is next Friday and I'm not sure if he will be going now. There are a lot more details but I can't post everything.
Our Miracles: BFP- May 14, 2015... diagnosed with SCH. Collapsed Sac- May 29, 2015. Determined to be failed twin tetraploidy pregnancy.
"Never in my arms, Always in my heart"
Support isn't only telling someone they're "totez right to feel how they do". You can disagree and still support someone.
But I'm so happy you two were able to reach a compromise and agreed to do premarital counseling! It sounds like things are on the right track
At the risk of sounding judgy I'm kinda appalled that he was keeping them locked away in some room and only going in to feed them a couple times a week. That's probably why they have behavioral issues now...
I hope you know no-one is being rude by warning you about the declawing thing, it's actually illegal to declaw in other countries because it's considered inhumane. Imho, if y'all don't want to invest in some training/counseling from someone that specializes in cat issues I think they would probably be best in another home.
Eta: Sorry OP for hijacking your thread! I think others have it right, he's scared and worried about how he will perform with his health issues and a new baby. It's just alot of stress. I'm surprised there wasn't a talk about condoms or something if he was really worried about it, but I guess it's a bit late for that now. I'm sure he'll come around and I doubt the retirement excuse is legit.
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
DO NOT declaw your cats,
if you want to declaw find them a new home, the cats are tortured during declawing, and often it causes so many problems in their paws
use soft paws, cheap easy and effective
and they come in many different colors