Husband troubles, anyone?

taylorstel · October 2015

Is anyone else having any tension with their husband due to pregnancy? I'm now 12 weeks along and my husband won't actually read or even pick up a baby or pregnancy book (and has no plans to), yet tries to make it out as though I'm stupid for wanting to research and educate myself on what to expect. We are first time parents, and he's had little to no experience with caring for a newborn, yet makes it out as though I'm the idiot for reading about how to get into good breastfeeding habits after delivery. Actual quote: "It's not that hard, it's a natural thing. The baby will come out and suck on your boob because it needs to eat. I don't know why you're making this whole thing out like it's going to be some challenge!" Um, maybe because parenthood IS challenging?! Things that seem like basics such as breastfeeding do NOT always come so naturally for everyone.

His behavior and lack of involvement is causing my excitement to diminish, only to be replaced by worry that he's not going to be an active participant throughout this whole experience. Although all of this IS natural, granted, it does not come that easily to everyone and is a complete life change, regardless of how seamless the transition into parenthood is. I don't mean to complain, I just don't like feeling insulted for my wanting to be aware of what we're getting ourselves into, here. And I hate that his lack of enthusiasm takes away from my own pregnancy experience.

cmjenkies · October 2015

In general, I think that men have a harder time connecting to pregnancy and sometimes even in the beginning after baby arrives. He wants to just see the big picture, and you're more focused on the details. Tell him how you feel, openly and honestly just like you posted above. Definitely work out the tension now so it doesn't continue to grow.

I am sorry though, I know it's tough to not get the kind of support and encouragement you want from DH, regardless of the circumstance.

amaniupendo · October 2015

My husband had lackluster participation when I was pregnant the first time but is an amazing and active dad. It was pretty annoying though. This time he's marginally better.

Truth be told, sometimes I wish I listened to his reassurances that thing would be okay. I had an anxious pregnancy last time and worried about everything like bf'ing.

It's hard not to worry but you aren't automatically doomed! Good luck.

I recommend continuing to do your research and enjoying your pregnancy as much as you can. Don't let him get in your way.

AmadorRose · October 2015

I agree that your husband probably hasn't connected all the dots yet; however, as someone who has been in an abusive relationship, don't EVER let him make you feel dumb for wanting to be prepared. I don't know your relationship, so I'm not judging. All I know is that this is where it starts. My ex began with making me feel dumb, lazy, ugly, etc, and it escalated from there. Explain to him the way he's making you feel and why his actions make you fear for the quality of your child's future. Even if he doesn't understand exactly where you are coming from (and probably won't until after the birth), y'all need to reach an agreement to respect each other's feelings on all things baby.

jasmineahenderson · October 2015

This might not help but it may make you laugh. My has been was somewhat the same way first time around. We bought the book but he didn't really read it and he had played with an infant but he wasn't used to cook and caring one he never even change the diaper until my son was born. However first day baby came home I had baby in the nursery and my husband was running around like a chicken with its head cut off because he didn't know what to do and he thought so he ended up having to drink two shots and have a little breakdown before pulling it together. If your husband wants to be stubborn about it you may feel the effects of it later. You just keep doing what makes you feel comfortable with becoming a parent.

Shrmoss01 · October 2015

....men... That's all I can say to that one. Our first go around my husband was not interested in the least! I was reading every book and article, setting things up multiple times for the easiest transition ect... When our son was born I remembered a conversation we had had about 3 days prior about how hubby swore he couldn't deal with baby poop that it would strictly be my job because he would throw up. I asked him if our son had a dirty diaper about 7 hours after birth... I looked over to see him wrist deep checking with his hands if he had pooped... He is the greatest dad I could have ever hoped my children would have. Some men it literally doesn't click until there is a live small human in front of them. Good luck mama! I can say my husband did get a tad bit more interested when he could start feeling movement also, but nothing to over the top!

mrstrax · October 2015

Here's the info from the pamphlet at least: https://m.acog.org/Patients/FAQs/A-Fathers-Guide-to-Pregnancy?IsMobileSet=true

taylorstel · October 2015

Thank you so much for understanding, and I'll definitely talk to him now that I feel a little less crazy sensitive. I really appreciate your empathetic response, it makes me feel less whiney

Meggs2559 · October 2015

It's tough the first time around and all men respond differently. My mom told me "a woman becomes a mom when she finds out she's pregnant. A man becomes a dad once he holds his baby" Sometimes, it can be hard for them to grasp, especially this early, since they don't have too much of a connection yet. I would definitely talk to him and let him know how you feel though.

eastdurian · October 2015

Well, both DH and I were really laid back about DD. We were both in the mindset that we'd figure it out when she came, I was active on TB then and got lots of good information. This time we've had a bit of a debate regarding how important genetic testing is so I'm a little disappointed that we still haven't had it checked out but hopefully next week we'll get the ball rolling.

I do think sometimes that reading non-stop and worrying (especially about BFing) ahead of time can end up causing more trouble because you're overly anxious. Your best friend after BFing will be the LC that comes by, just don't let them leave without asking questions. DD seemed to be doing fine and she gained weight great but she has a tongue/minor lip tie and it would have been better to check for it immediately. I think it would have helped her not need to feed every 1.5-2 hours had she not had to work so hard to eat with her ties.

Wils0722 · October 2015

It's possible he just doesn't want to read...maybe you can find an educational film you can watch together? Mine skimmed a book and decided it was written mostly for me. While He cares what I'm going through, he wants more tangible things...what can he do to directly impact the pregnancy and ultimately the child. So I gave him things that he would be interested in. Car seats, strollers, monitors, etc. he's now all excited about researching this stuff and owning a part of the process.

Ready4theParty · October 2015

I think it's normal for first time dad's to not be as connected. It's hard for them to understand what you are physically going through let alone emotionally or physically.

Cynthia1207 · October 2015

It's not wrong for you to research nor is it wrong for him to be more laid back. Both H and I have more laid back attitudes and it actually was preferable that way. A book will not distinguish your baby's cries for you, it won't help you get through exhaustion and it won't help with getting to know your child. Your instincts will do that.

Researching is good to prepare yourself for general things such as developmental milestones, growth spurts, etc. But most things, you learn as you go.

I think it's great that you want to be informed for your own interest but not everyone is the same and not all answers can be found in a book. Please don't get upset with your H over this. He isn't carrying the baby and the magnitude of the situation hasn't hit him yet. Once he hears that first cry and holds your baby in his arms, it will change. That's when it becomes more real for them.

My husband said he wouldn't hold the baby when he was too small. I ended up having a c-section and guess what? Daddy was holding his newborn way before I ever got to.

Try to enjoy your pregnancy in each your different ways and when the baby comes, that's when you can speak about issues. You don't know what you'll be dealing with until then anyways.

mrstrax · October 2015

My OB's office gives a (pretty hefty) pamphlet that is specifically written for dad's by the ACOG. He may be more willing to read something like that because it is specifically ways he can help you during pregnancy, l&d and your recovery period. I'll try to find it online and add it to this post, if not maybe ask your OB if they have anything for Dads.

As PPs have said, it's harder for dad's to connect his early and it's OK to not way to research a bunch (it makes me super stressed) but it's not ok for him to make you feel dumb for wanting to do so. When you have a calm time when neither of you are upset, try bringing it up to discuss why you want him to do these things with you. If he's not interested in reading, maybe try things like registry research or prepping the nursery room.

akb1125 · October 2015

I found it helpful that my husband took a breastfeeding class, newborn care class, and the birthing class at my hospital before my son was born.

And it'll definitely feel more real when he can start feeling the baby move, etc. Its hard right now when not much has changed.

eastdurian · October 2015

Ready4theParty said:

I think it's normal for first time dad's to not be as connected. It's hard for them to understand what you are physically going through let alone emotionally or physically.

... and second time dads. DH isn't suddenly more interested this time, if anything it just proved to him that he didn't need to worry about DD before she was actually here.

Pinguinageddon · October 2015

My husband is doing great with the pregnancy aspect-- he is *in love* with this baby.
But he has decided within the last couple of weeks that he's above everybody. He fights back against everyone, nit picks points he's even wrong on, acts like he knows better than everyone else. He tells us (the MIL lives with us) something, and then literally yells at us saying he said something else entirely... Then acts like he's being the bigger person by saying "Okay." He won't let anything go and suddenly feels the need to always have the last word.... I don't know what's gotten into him but I am so close to just bitchslapping him and leaving him to dry. I'm doing literally everything, looking up all the information, finding ways for us to save money, taking care of all the bills, yet he acts like he's the only one who deserves to be treated with respect. He tells me to get shit for him and gets upset when I don't make dinner, like..... First of all, I JUST got off bedrest and am STILL at risk. Secondly, when the FUCK did we step back into the fifties??

mojomama6 · October 2015

I think my first husband said almost the exact same thing to me while I was pregnant with my first. She's 13 and we've been divorced for 12 and a half years- it never got better. In fact, he still thinks that it's stupid to research or ask for parenting advice from anyone. He's a peach to co-parent with, let me tell you.
I hate to be negative, but I agree that his specific responses send up red flags. Please have a heart to heart with him, but don't ever let him make you feel stupid for wanting to be prepared.

ivyvines6 · October 2015

Lol. We have a joke that my fiancé can't read. He has zero ability to learn anything from reading it, and less attention span for listening to me read. When things come up I just say I'm well versed in this subject, and am waaaay smarter than you anyway.

taylorstel · October 2015

To all the beautiful ladies who responded to this post,

Thank you for making me laugh, feel less crazy, and mostly for understanding. Once we both calmed down, we sat down and discussed it, and we now completely understand where the other is coming from; he works out of town for weeks at a time when we don't see one another, so he hasn't been able to make a prenatal appt. yet. He hasn't been in the room, seen the baby develop and wiggle around week to week, he's missed all of the big moments that have made everything sink in for me.

He also was afraid to get too attached until now, as we lost the first pregnancy. We had both fallen completely in love with that baby, and when we lost him, it completely crushed us. Thus, he was hesitant to get as attached to this baby, until now. Now that we've hit the second trimester and I'm bringing home ultrasound photos with a human looking baby in there (as opposed to the frog he said it looked like before), and the doctors are telling us we can finally relax and enjoy, he's like a whole new person.

He's acting truly excited, asks tons of questions (I was a full time live-in nanny to two children from when they were 2 days old until the oldest turned 9), and has apologized for being less than sensitive before. I'm sure we'll continue to have plenty of ups and some downs from time to time, but things are really looking up.

Thank you all for being there when he just wasn't quite caught up on the excitement yet.

~T

elasticheart13 · October 2015

@Shrmoss01 that is very comforting haha, my husband has repeatedly told me if he has to change a diaper he will end up throwing up. I am curious to see how he handles it after baby is born. I am a student so he will be taking care of baby while I'm at class and I told him I'd rather have him throw up than leave baby in a dirty diaper for 7 hours :P

muzsk · October 2015

Dont be too hard on him. First time dads to be are some times like that. Mine was very protective the first time but a bit too much. He did not know how to channel it in more productive areas. But this time, he is an absolute gem. He is gone for two weeks and im crying my eyes out because i miss him dreadfully. Urs may not be able to show concern like u but sure as hell would not want even the slightest bit go wrong. Give him his little space. And relax.

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